photo by Nicole Mason

{Preach} When thinking about titling this, It came out easily and quickly.

“The biggest thing I wish people would know about me… “

Side Note: I wish this was a podcast. Think there would be juicy sidebars added. #NotetoSelf

Can you meet me at the table with where we are THE SAME?? (Same fears? Things we’re too afraid to say *I know you have something. Same desire for connection with someone of like mind) versus seeing me as needing to be fixed or seeing me as someone to be pitied or looked down upon? (separated from each other?)

*This happens a lot. Regularly. Twice just this week. It actually amuses me at this point in my life. (Although never comfortable in the moment)

I was talking to a girlfriend a few weeks ago and I asked her, when we first met, when I was 18, if I came all OUT THERE… wanting to know ALL about her with my ongoing questions… and also to share ALL about me.

She said, without having to think about it… YES. She said I came all “cards down” (my word) and well, I’m not surprised. I’ve been this way since I was little.

A guy friend in college told me I put my cards down (his word) too soon. That I should hold some up, to be mysterious…

It didn’t feel right to me to do that.

It still doesn’t.

Even in my A Course in Miracles study group… I’m totally OUT THERE as an eager student… asking questions.. sharing my experience and I can sometimes feel people’s uncomfortable-ness… thinking that I need help.

No need. I am aware I am open.. vulnerable and extremely empathetic.

It’s who I am… who I’ve always been…

You see… what you don’t realize is.. I love who I am… EVEN when I’m in my own resistance (even at my highest weight or in my own greatest fears or sadness or jealousy) and THAT is what most people don’t see. When I’m being all OUT THERE… I’m actually in my genius… I’m like a mathematician, at the white board… talking the formula out. Writing and erasing… excited and frustrated… working out the way to the conclusion… the progression of my development. Growth.

Speaking my manifestations… working through my obstacles, WITH YOU.

I do this constantly to see if you’ll stand by me and also to see if you’ll join in, grab a marker and start writing out your own genius yourself.

Or if you’ll walk away.

Because there is only ONE problem needing solving (We have forgotten who we really are.. ONE), even though there are many different methods to finding solution.

I am genuinely excited to work out the problem together at the board… but I won’t know if you are until I go first.

I have heard it worded in recent years as having #nofilter

Don’t be mistaken… my gift/curse is paying MORE attention to what you’re NOT saying… WHEN… I’m totally being my OPEN self.

  • Do you get pissed? Frustrated? *You’re not alone if you do.
  • Do you go into “aww bless her heart”
  • Does being myself make you want to fix me? Give me advice?
  • Wish I would hold my cards up more?

If so… I’m not surprised.

It’s not always FUN being on the receiving end of being ‘so much myself’… people are sometimes uncomfortable, even unkind when I take off my mask first.

It’s backfired on me a handful of times with those I thought were close friends and relationships. Even as I type this.
*I AM still learning and am not perfect at this.

In these moments I’m paying more attention than what you’re not saying than what you are.

We are the SAME… and by being totally myself… I attempt to connect with the part of you that is the SAME as me.

And the kindreds in my life , the ones I go to when I’m the most scared and most vulnerable… can and have withstood this OUT THERE part of me AND CAME CLOSER.

Didn’t step away.

Perhaps they see themselves in me when I’m being so much myself and desire themselves, to grow in compassion and growth as they hold space for me.

*or they hate it but don’t know how to get away from me. Possible. Haha. *notkidding

Regularly just being myself has attracted or repelled people all my life… and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

If you’re just getting to know me or interested to know me more… it’s important you know this.

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