before you read this, start here.
APRIL 17, 2018 – I wrote this six + months ago and it intuitively came into my experience today.
It has NEVER been more relevant than today. TAX DAY 2018.
So much has happened since September 6th 2017, that I am NOT the same person that wrote this post.
But at the same time…
I STILL AM.
Keep reading… I will update you on this day at the end of where I got on this post.
Honestly I feel like the most insane person writing this, like but I can’t NOT write it. I have no more escape plans. No more detours. No more distraction tactics, no more powerful images to pick myself up with. No more “fake it till you make it” affirmations. No more running on the hamster wheel, no more exit strategies, no more Hail Marys, no more “Rob Peter to pay Paul” plays, no more… “keep at it and it’ll work out.”
No. I’m officially at rock bottom. September 6, 2017. At 42 years old.
I can’t wake abruptly one more day at 1:41 am in a panic ANY MORE. Demanding to myself “Keri, go back to sleep, go back to sleep.” Like somehow I can shut this off and roll over and catch another REM cycle, cause it’s what I have to say, that’s been waking me up every night for the past four years. (Well, the first of those four years was Leo waking me but no harm, no foul)
Family and friends, this is the letter that I’m most scared of writing. I have, quite a few times, thought of blocking QUITE a few of you from seeing this (on Facebook anyway), because you’re probably the person I’m most scared of judging me, I’m probably already worried you think I’m crazy or you’ve said something along those lines somehow in your actions or words. I’ve been SO terrified of you thinking me mad, it’s been easier to blame you for my silence, for my DELAY. “I can’t, what will X think?”. For that I ask for your forgiveness. *If you think it’s you, it probably is.
You are the dragon I THINK I have been slaying in my mind.
Remove the shield I’ve been holding and I see it’s been me fighting myself ALL ALONG.
My own version of fight club. *oh wait, there is no fight club.
I don’t want to fight anymore and I don’t want to hold a shield either. I’m tired. So tired.
This feels Elizabeth Gilbert big when she declared the end of her marriage publicly and her pairing with her soul mate.
This feels as big as Glennon Doyle writing from her cloffice (closet/office) because she too, wasn’t able to keep this in.
And to my biggest tour guide into vulnerability Brené Brown, here I am, in the arena. Staring at this perhaps biggest imaginary bull in front of me, thinking I’m preparing to fight for my life. But am I?
I don’t even know where to begin…. I’ve had so many downloads lately.
Firstly, this is a story about a girl who has gone to immeasurable lengths to NOT fulfill her purpose in order to be an obedient daughter. A not so equal
Has traveled far and wide… searching for something that has always been located in her home, within herself all along.
For so long this girl knew what this purpose was, but no matter where she traveled, she would meet with those (a reflection of her own inner beliefs) who reminded her she wasn’t safe to work from that place… reminding her that she was selfish and irresponsible, CRAZY (anyone experienced in Gaslighting?) …. a “sinner”, that she needed to “get over herself” and “buckle down” for actively searching for it, that she deserved the punishment for not obeying.
And deep down there was a part of her who has believed it.
BELIEVED SHE DESERVED THE PUNISHMENT FOR NOT OBEYING.
THE YEARS SPENT IN UNREQUITED LOVE, THE RAPES, THE LAYOFFS, THE ALWAYS STRUGGLING FINANCIALLY – ALL PUNISHMENT FOR HER NOT OBEYING.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD OBEY, if only she would quit this crazy dream searching. This deep soul digging. This believing in happily every after. This crying out for help with anyone who would listen. If only she would BE QUIET, PLAY SMALL… then maybe the punishments would be over.
BUT NO. There has been a part of her who didn’t believe she was being punished. She knew deep down that somehow it’s been a lie.
When she was 11 and in the hospital and she had a near death experience, she heard a voice that said “Kerilyn, you’re not going to die, you’re going to live. You’re going to go through a lot of hard things in your life and you’re not going to understand why… but I assure you that ONE DAY YOU’LL REAP ALL THE REWARDS.” – It has been this voice who has helped her when things have gotten hard. When life gets so confusing. It’s been her light in the darkness so many times.
It was this part of her who kept going, kept searching, kept talking, kept connecting, kept sharing, KEPT LEARNING, kept baring her soul, kept getting up when she fell, it was this part of her that has led her to today because if I only believed in what I was being told.. I would NOT be where I am today. I would be… well, let’s not think where that would be.
I have recently talked with someone who told me they didn’t have the LUXURY of dreaming when they were my age… that they only had to think about survival. It was what this person DIDN’T SAY to me, that was another reminder of the dragon I have been fighting in my head. Merely a projection of my own thoughts.
DON’T BE SELFISH… DREAMS ARE FOR THE LUCKY ONES.
YOU’RE NOT ONE OF THEM.
GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS AND GET A JOB.
OR ELSE BE PREPARED FOR MORE PUNISHMENTS.
You know whose voice that is?
I have been filtering my life through my fathers voice as the obedient daughter.
Everywhere I go.. I hear my fathers voice commanding me.
Even in you.
I have also been railing myself against that voice with posts like
Because I have been in this tug of war, between whose voice to believe my dads or the dreamer part of me… I’ve made both some AMAZING and also some stupid ass decisions. I have ignored red flags, I have stayed WAY longer than I should have (in a job, in a relationship) fearing the punishments will come. I have looked hard at these decisions over the past four years and I have concluded that I no longer want to listen to my fathers voice. No longer want to hear my fathers voice in all the experiences who scare me. In all the people who scare me (maybe you)
I have done a lot of work on forgiveness. I have looked at my fathers life and seen (as much as he’ll let me see) how WHAT HE’S TAUGHT ME IS A REFLECTION OF HIS ATTEMPT TO PROTECT ME FROM PAIN. His OWN experience of pain. What my fathers NOT saying is… I’m afraid I can’t protect myself from pain. I’m afraid that you’ll DO what I was not able to do and that threatens me. He’d prefer me to OBEY so I don’t trigger him. Don’t remind him of the red flags he ignored and the stupid ass decisions he’s made.
He has NEVER EVER EVER BEEN COMFORTABLE WITH MY BEING AN EMOTIONAL PERSON.
IT HAS BEEN A VERY TENUOUS SITUATION IN MY LIFE, EVERY TIME I BRING UP FEELINGS.
WHY? BECAUSE HE IS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THEM.
BECAUSE THEY REMIND HIM OF WHAT HE DOES NOT FEEL SAFE TO LOOK AT.
THE FUCKED UP THING IS I’VE SEEN THAT DISCOMFORT AS “THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU KERILYN.”
STOP BEING WHO YOU ARE SO I CAN BE COMFORTABLE IN MY NUMB STATE.
*both my parents lives/lived this way.
I believed I was BAD because I am this way.
Feelings were bad, I couldn’t get attention from my dad from showing my feelings.
But money… money was something my dad was good at talking about, being an expert about,
I knew I could get attention from talking about money.
So I would OBEY by going to him, every time it had to do with money.
And I learned QUICKLY that I would get more attention from him if I was struggling
He could exert his parental reign down on me…
HE KNEW… I DIDN’T KNOW and so it was.
He LIKES fixing it for me, anything if it meant he doesn’t have to talk about how he FELT…
Who doesn’t want their dads attention, anyway they could get it,
So I can see now that I have been OBEDIENT by showing him love (and asked for love) the only way I knew how.
By being seen as a fuck up with money.
With my purpose.
My dad likes control (being the OVERT narcissist he is)
He controlled my mom by holding money over her head.
Probably threatened to take everything if she left,
because that’s what she told me he would do when I told her to divorce him when I was 16.
I watched as my mother declined in health rapidly because she was in prison.
She never felt safe to leave.
To say NO.
(I understand more about this now than I EVER have, story for another day)
SO… here I am after reading that on April 17th, 2018.
My last words are… “She never felt safe to leave. To say NO. (I understand more about this now than I EVER have, story for another day.”
Brings tears to my eyes how much I now GET why she never left.
Why she stayed.
Now I understand she was a prisoner.
An emotional prisoner.
Because September 7th was less than a month away from October 2nd, 2017.
The day I did what my mom was not strong enough to do.
And still.. now that I am liberated from my husband. I still feel the TUG.
The pull at me.
It surfaces a feeling of turbulence so intense that I stuff it right back down.
I can’t handle it.
I hope this means I’m close to breaking it once and for all so that I can be FREE to live my own life finally,
And not in the shadow of my fathers.