thanks to my girl Kyra for always inspiring me….

5 things I’m grateful for:

1. Morning Coffee. Oh how  the thought of that first sip helps me get out of bed somedays.
2. My husband – I am so grateful for our balance. (We love each other madly, and also drive each other crazy sometimes.)
3. My unyielding determination to be a abundant in my soul – as a friend, a seeker, a spirit on a human journey… the list goes on.
4. That I can hear, can see, can feel, can taste, can touch.. and can intuit. SO grateful for my senses.
5. Knowing about and continually attempting to implement The Law of Attraction.

4 things I can’t stop thinking about:

1. The moment when Peter and I realize we’re pregnant (hey, I’m 35 and my bodys feeling VERY ready. I cannot get it off my mind)
2. Visualizing living ABUNDANTLY self-employed. (It looks like me renting an office space close enough where I can ride my bike from home.
   (Check out this chic bike!! – with the cover for when I wear skirts)
3. The update to the Coming Soon teaser page of the Married to a Chef site. (sorry K…sittin on my hands over here!)
4. Getting that ONE big break where I can connect with someone who can catapult my MtaC site into Infinity and Beyond!!!!

3 things I want to accomplish this week:

1. Updating my Mission statement and creating (3) intentions for my Mentor Coach session tomorrow nite.
2. Going to the gym with Melissa (co-worker) 4 times this week.
3. I am going to accomplish not making ANY plans on Saturday. I Declare Saturday to be ME DAY!!! (I haven’t had a whole day to myself in what seems like forever!)

2 things I am working on being more positive about:

1. Liking my body the way it is at this moment.(errr.. uh.. yea.)
2. Feelings around the future with my ‘family’ (Parents/Sister)

1 random thing:

I don’t like wearing glasses. I don’t feel myself in glasses. I find when I’m not really happy with my self-image (my weight) I tend to sabotage myself with regard to doing small things that make me feel more myself, like now – I need to go to the eye Dr and get eye checkup/new glasses and contacts. But I keep making up excuses not to go as a way of confirming my lack of positive self image. (It’s mostly about not spending the money) One day, hopefully within next 5 years, I will have the courage to have the laser surgery so I can live out the rest of my life glasses free!!!!

PS: Thanks to Kyra as well.. I joined NaBloPoMo - Fridays  question is “What toy from your childhood do you still have in your possession? The Answer is my stuffed mouse named Mindy that I’ve had since the day I was born (Here is a picture of her from Flickr)   I wub her!

xoxo
kerilyn

more on ‘I see you” a little later. First… the news.(hee hee)

I wanted to say that I’ve been so inspired lately… so inspired and SO BUSY. I feel like I’ve been going from one thing to another without a break. Sitting here right now, I know I gotta get up and going in the shower to help Peter with a private Halloween party tonite. I woke up today at 11:30 and I NEVER sleep that late. (Thank you again Kristy for getting the tickets for the Christmas concert!) There is SO much on my plate (my physical,emotional,mental and future plate) that I honestly feel burnt out. (It borders on being ridiculous.) I kinda wish things would just SLOW DOWN so I can appreciate them more.. but I have this strong feeling that this is happening just as it should. I feel something BIG coming next year… more than I ever have.. and I know that right now is setting the stage.I just gotta remind myself to take deep breaths.. and lean into it. (oh and pray for strength)

So… let me just say for those who usually hear from me but haven’t lately. Bear with me. I am still here,  definitely thinking about you…the best way to get a hold of me is via Facebook,  email and BBM (blackberry messenger) – but I’ve been slow to respond to email lately though.

One of the things that I have been doing is taking my first E-Course called The Declaration of You. I really am enjoying the daily forms I fill out and put into my binder. I wish I had some more time in the evenings to devote to the course, but alas – Exercising (yes.. I said exercising – Thank Goodness) and coaching assignments have me busy every evening. So I take a little time at work to do them when every day.

Creating a Declaration has been kinda awesome. One declaration that became clear to me is my desire to be more connected. Connected to my faith, to my body, to the earth, to women who inspire me, to my creativity, to my purpose. This desire to be connected, though, has shifted from what it once was. There was a time when all I really wanted was to be connected to my friends (to be a part of a tribe) and now.. it’s shifted to my future with my husband, and all that encompasses that. I find myself going a LOT longer without chatting up my friends. It is honestly a weird experience for me. (not bad, just unfamiliar) Do I love my friends any less? HELLS NO. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it. One of the exercises was to make note of who was “on my bus” (See the picture to the right) I instinctively wrote a few of my people down and then naturally listed what energy/trait/what they bring to me, that  I connect with. It happened naturally, and I realized they are a mirror of the different parts of myself.  For example, my girl Kyra, she connects me to my creativity. Roxanne connects me to my desire for an older sister/someone to look up to. My Auntie connects me to my faith and my family.  I honor each of them as connections to parts of myself, seen and unseen. (I only listed a few but I could’ve gone on, filled the page)

I look forward to the next three weeks of Course work on completing my declaration. Uncovering what else I wish to declare. (Thank you to those who filled out the Uniquity forms. (I promise I will send you one back if you send one to me! Autumn, I need to get on yours, mama!)

Before I move to what I feel inside me to write about, I want to tell you that I am happy. Happy in my soul. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this content. YES there is a LOT going on right now… future thinking of future planning. Future successes, future growth. YES I feel drained. But it’s a good drained. Nothing that is causing me to feel drained right now has anything to do with something negative. Only the positive. I feel more inspired, more driven than EVER -  the foreign uncomfortable part is that I’m in uncharted waters. Historically I’ve lived my life as a reaction to a situation that I felt out of control by.. always looking over my shoulder at where I went wrong or focusing too much on preventing stumbling in the future, which only made me stumble. This time I’m realizing that I am the one holding the Captains Wheel.. with this TREMENDOUS light inside me to move forward.. literally steering myself through the unknown and realizing with every turn, I’m OK.  I’m really okay. It’s been amazing that I have begun the process of, incrementally, letting go of the outcome and it makes me feel FREE. Hot Damn. I have felt more “I am enough” than I ever have. I have realized that I am already mid flow of  letting go of the guilt that I am not enough for my friends. That I am not good enough for my family. Oh my gosh… it’s feels like FREEDOM and I know it’s all happening to prepare me for what is coming.  I feel like a kid on the night before Christmas.. KNOWING that something amazing is coming.. that I have to be patient.. Get thru the evenings festivities and obligations and then when I wake up… it will be here. This whatever that I feel so strongly.  I feel so lucky and blessed.

Okay.. onto our regularly scheduled program.

I want you to know, I SEE YOU.

If you are in my life (even if you are not), I want you to know I see you.  Yes, you. I see inside you. I most likely have seen you from almost the first moment I bumped into you. Not the outside you, but what is inside. Don’t worry, you’re safe. I have realized lately just how much I have trusted my own gut about others all these years.  I am realizing that I have doubted my sense for a long time, using words like “Emotional and Sensitive” to help defend my strong sense of someone. To most, being emotional and sensitive equals WEAK. So I guess I thought I was.  I have always sensed when to stay away or gravitate toward someone. Now, because of my lack of loving myself for so long, I have allowed this doubt to seep into my decision about what I sense. I have doubted my sense.. not trusted it and made decisions against what my sense told me. (To those not actively in my life, you know who you are.. my sense was NOT wrong with you.. I know I made the right decision from Day ONE and I love you no less today than years ago.) My sense of someone has been dead on 99.99% of the time and I am wanting to give my gut/sense credit where credit is due. I see you. And as someone who has a strong sense, I want you to know I have always been interested in you. Genuinely. I have always wanted to know what makes you happy and what makes you sad. I want to see where you are broken. I want to know what your dreams are.. and what breaks your heart. I want to know what’s going on in your head. I want to be in your space, sit with your energy.  It’s where I have always wanted to be. I want you to know that I see you even when you try to hide yourself from me. Yes, I’m talking to you. I see more clearly into those who try to hide it. You are open to me and I WANT to be where you are.

I believe that most of us think that if we hide our pain, our lack of self worth, by puffing ourselves up, putting on a “front”.. that people won’t see. That if we are mean, and snappy, even arrogant and self righteous, distant and detached..maybe those we interact with won’t see just how lost, sad, alone we feel.  Maybe that’s true for most, but not for me. (Actually I believe that most still see instinctively but don’t WANT to look.) I have seen (and been affected by) those that try SO hard to hide it. I feel it is my gift and I am so F’ing proud of it that I want to reveal it to the light. I am sensitive to those who I realize are trying to hide it. I think I have allowed my own lack of self worth to allow me not to honor my sense.. and accept less than I have deserved. DOESN’T mean my sense was wrong. I have some AMAZING people in my life.. because what I see is so beautiful, so powerful, and so worthy of me seeing that I couldn’t be happier and feel more blessed. I mean this.

I am not weak. I SEE on purpose. I WANT to see. I see your power, I see your pain, I see your potential, I see God in you. So yes, I am sensitive. For SURE, I am emotional. I feel so strongly that my purpose, my mission here this time around.. is to be an example for others. To show everyone my insides… ON PURPOSE; that I want what you want. I want to be loved, and seen, and acknowledged. I do this by CHOICE. I have made this choice one day while sitting on our piano bench when I was 16 years old to be open. Did I know where it was going to take me? Uh no. But just know.. that I SEE YOU, and I am not afraid that you see me. I want you to see.

Ending this with joy in my heart. Thank you for spending your energy with me.
xoxo
Kerilyn

hi everyone…

how are you? enjoying the fall so far? the cooler temps? (Not too cold too soon please, Mother Nature!) I realize I do not have enough cooler temperature clothing in this present body ‘o mine. (Note to self: Get over it.. this is your current body size. Buy clothes to fit it so you won’t be cold. You know you don’t like being cold.)

As I watch this years season change… transforming before my eyes; I find myself observing a huge transformation within myself. Like leaves shedding their leaves, I am shedding a bunch of emotional security blankets (some I’ve been holding onto for almost 20 years), willingly and with purpose in order to let go of old, stagnant dark energy, in order to find crisp, clear filled spaces (visualize the brisk air that our current October evenings bring) within myself that will allow for new birth and abundance (literally and metaphorically). I have never, in my 35 years felt this need for transformation to be as important as I do where I am now. Yes – I had already been doing an external purging over the past 2.5 years,  in my (Thank you God!) newfound awareness of beginning to not accept less than I deserve;  but part of me, was just going thru the motions internally. Truthfully I am not 100% sure why. I think SO much has happened that I didn’t have the energy or the knowledge of how to process it all. Too much change in such a relatively short period of time.  I was consciously NOT processing it while eating food that I know isn’t good for my body.. and YEP I sabotaged myself by not exercising. I’m aware. I’m aware of what I was/am doing.  I have no one else to look at by myself for my actions.

So here I am. Standing at the base of this emotional landfill. Rubber gloves, Boots, Face mask, Baseball hat to keep my hair back, clothes that I know I will have to throw away and a shovel.. and I proceed. One shovel full at a time.  ONLY thing I know is that I am doing this with purpose. I want to be here. As much as it makes me want to throw up, run,scream at the top of my lungs and/or punch someone (or someones) in the face (and TRUST me it does); I know that I’ll feel better once I get it out.  Possibly, for the first time in my life.

Photo from Meteo21

And I. Have never been prouder of myself than I am now as well. Facing some heavy heavy stuff in my heart.

A Tornado is coming. Strong and full of power. To those on the ground, you are not going to see it coming.
(Even if you do.. I don’t think you’re prepared for what you’re going to experience)
The voice that’s been locked away is creeping to the surface.
And in turn, so is my anger… my rage.

Perfect doesn't exist!

So among the wonderful wonderful blogs that I read and am constantly inspired by… one that is flittering around the World Wide Wonderfulness is the

Perfect Protest

Brene Browns posting about protesting the idea of being perfect struck a chord with many of us. Since there are many others who also shared in their protest.

I am not perfect. Ha! Not in the least!
Yet we are all bombarded with ideals and images of what we should attempt to attain.. and in doing that we become deflated when we don’t meet up with those requirements.
I know I fall for it. Yep. Me.
And when I do.. my dad always reminds me.. “Ker.. Perfect only exists in the dictionary.”
I think this campaign falls gracefully in the lap of Tracey Clarks ” I am Enough” Collaborative
in which Jen Lemens post really spoke to me.
Hand in hand.. we are armed with some wonderful reminders that it’s OKAY not to be perfect and that
we should strive to be ENOUGH!!!

So in celebration of both affirming statements… I join in this circle of unity:

I affirm:

- I am enough even if I stay the weight I am now.
- I am enough even if I never read all the books I have on my shelves.
- I am enough even if I do not have any children.
- I am enough even if I never feel success in my search for my purpose.
- I am enough even if I do not understand why things are the way they are.
- I am enough even when I get bitchy.
- I am enough even when I am late to my job.
- I am enough even if I don’t visit my parents enough.
- I am enough even when friendships go their separate ways.
- I am enough in my husbands eyes. No matter what my mind is telling me.
- I am enough in my friends eyes. Even when I don’t feel like I’ve done or been enough.
- I am enough even if only a handful of people read this.

I AM ENOUGH.
Down with Perfectionism.
xoxo
Kerilyn

Hey there folksies..

I know it’s been a little while before I posted… Peter and I were off on our one year annivizaversary vacation to The Berkshires where we had a great time despite ALL the rain! (argh) I will write soon.. have a lot to catch you up on… but in the mean time.. I saw this via the absolutely beautiful Rockstar Diaries and had to share!!! Loved it!

Things I am grateful for today:

1.art in all it’s forms.
2. creativity.
3.the internet.
4.the wonderful creative and inspiring people that touch my life.
5. my current drive to make my newfound purpose a success!
6. my wonderful wonderful husband with whom I fell in love with a little bit more over this past week.
7. My girlfriend Kristy – Thank you SO much for taking care of Pez while we were away!!!

Okay that’s just a few…. (Oh.. I got an email from someone in Restaurant PR that i’ve been talking to… that she gave my story to the Wall Street Journal.. on new ventures!! Holy Schnikeys! I’ll have to let you know if/when I hear from them!)

C ya for now.. more in a jiffy!
xoxo~
Kerilyn

 Thanks to my wonderful Mentor Coach.. she helped me come up with some IAM statements.. She wanted me to send them to her via email.
I thought I’d do one better than that and make them pretty for us to see! Peters going to laminate them so I can stick them around the house!
TOTALLY inspired by Aimee over at Artsyville (Thanks Aimee.. promise we will be working together in the future.. I can see it now!)

I think they came out good!
xoxo
Kerilyn

ha for another happy posting… no tender moments here….

Hi there my peeps.

I gotta laugh. (Hold on… let me laugh my arse off here for a sec…)

Okay… that’s better.

Life is funny. I mean.. it is rip roaring, side busting funny sometimes.
The irony and hilarity of what we try desparately to hold on to… our identities.. our choice. our illusion of freedom.
It has become clear just how I take this life too seriously.
And when I do that… I lose my joy. (Hello Joy? Could you please make your way to the Customer Service Desk.. there is a woman here looking for you…)
And ya know what? I do it (take myself and my life too seriously) really well.
TOO WELL.

There are so many things to be happy for… I will list a few shortly.. but for now.. I gotta say…

WHAT ARE SOME THINGS WE CAN DO SO WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER NOT TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY?

I am working on that with my Peer Coach. She is awesome. She has a really soothing voice.. I feel like I would be so content to rest my head in her lap while she talks to me and plays with my hair (one of my favorite things to receive) Its like having my own personal cheerleader. It sometimes overwhelms me.. She eh.. is really interested in me. I feel her encouragement. Her belief in me. She allows me to push myself while being in a safe place. And I do… push myself. More than I EVER have in my entire life. Somehow I understand I’m in this moment of a lifetime where I will have direct access to a shovel.. and someone is supporting me while I dig in and is there when I hit a power line. (Dang.. if only we had Miss Utility for the tough things!  HA HA!!)

One of the things I have decided is to create a symbol I can wear every day to remind me I always have a choice to be happy. I have a choice to make a different Choice. I found what I’m going to use ~ this~ I am going to touch it when I start to take myself too seriously. I mean it looks like a big button! I am excited to get it in! I can already tell you that even without it.. it’s already working. This morning.. Peter did his usual trying to be funny by making me flustered… (he laughs so hard watching me take myself so seriously!)  and I was able to catch myself and I actually touched my wrist… It worked!!! I stopped being so… SERIOUS in that moment. (Let me say… I didn’t start laughing in that moment but I caught myself from going overboard and that’s a start!!)  I am excited to see how much further I can shift my experience IN THE MOMENT….. I’ll have to keep you updated!

One last thing.. my co-worker and fellow designer; Ivy… she is constantly laughing at work. Making jokes and laughing at something funny. I love listening to her laugh. Its such a genuine laugh. I love having her close to me… to snap me out of my churning churning churning thoughts.. when I’m listening to my IPOD working on my computer during the day.

Okay… wrapping up with 3 things 2 things:

3 things that make me happy:

1. Etsy - I love knowing that whenever I want to send something special to someone (or myself) I just have to look to this wonderful website and I will absolutely find something!!
2. My wonderful yoga teacher – Jill – is going to be back in DC for a few weeks and I’ve already signed up for a yoga class with her. I already emailed her and asked if she’d still love me if I can’t do all that I could last year… she said she would be happy if I just sat there and watched… aww I heart her.
3. Cupcakes.  – oh my yes. I know they’ve become a fad lately.. with cupcake shops popping up on every corner (Going to be more popular than Starbucks someday! HA!) I haven’t yet found my favorite… Love the standard Chocolate/Chocolate as a default everytime.. Tried a lemon one.. yummy. I seem to gravitate to cupcakes with sprinkles on them… makes me feel like it’s my birthday… hee hee.

2 things I look forward to today:

1. Getting on the road and enjoying the drive to New Jersey to visit my girl Kyra and meet her daughter Indira for the first time!!! I haven’t seen Kyra in a year (Since our wedding a year from next Sunday!) It’s been a long time. So excited to commune with everyone!! (And French Pancakes!!!)
2. Feeling great right now.. looking forward to having that continue into the evening! Listening to music… open windows…. enjoying my drive… (Hopefully smooth sailing too!)

2 long term things I look forward to:

1. Next Sunday Peter and I will be up at Peters cousin, Rich and wife Debs house to celebrate their daughter Rese’s birthday which will BE our 1 year anniversary and kickoff our 1st Annual Annivizaversary Vacation up to Massachusetts!( We decided to postpone Montreal… there wasn’t a lot of energy around it) Peters renting a motorcycle hitch so he can go for a ride while I get a facial! (YIPPIE!) We’re staying at this schnazzy Inn - in such an artsy town!  SO EXCITED!!!
2.  In October – me and Peter,  his friend Cliff and his girlfriend Angel are renting a Cabin in the Shendandoah for the weekend… they’re (of course) riding their bikes and I’m driving (fine with me!) It’ll be nice to sit on the porch.. read a book.. and just take in the scenery.. the leaves should be all nice and autumn-y!

1 person I am going to appreciate:

My parents. My mom is in the hospital and has been there for the past week and half, almost two weeks. She hasn’t been able to eat in that time too. She has an infection of sorts, in her throat/mouth/stomach. I do not know how she does it. This is a very VERY complicated and multi-faceted topic for me… Watching her not even be able to drink water… makes me cry. No matter what has happened.. no matter what our relationship is…. she’s still my mom. Through all the pain…somehow she still finds it in her to smile.

And my dad…. again, no matter what.. Where she goes.. there he is. I admire his devotion.

My final note to all who blog. I know.. here I am,  rambling… vomiting sometimes.. and yes.. sometimes sinking in the ‘whoa is me’. Thank Goodness for the Bitch Slap my friend Lisa gave me last year when I posted this… It’s easy to use this tabla rasa as a place for filtering thru the cobwebs… in the corners of our sorrow… but come on! How bout we mix in some funny posts.. some grateful posts.. some… more light hearted posts… I think the heavy stuff is important – ABSOLUTELY - But I also think it gets a little too heavy and we readers find it challenging to lift ourselves when constantly reading about tender moments….It’s all about balance.  (Again, Lisa/Scott – Thank you for showing me this)

* Let me just say AGAIN – I do NOT have it all figured out. I’m not right… or wrong. You’re not right or wrong. Just IS.  IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE WHAT WE THINK IT DOES….. is all I’m trying to say.  Now in the famous words of Kevin Bacon…. “I thought this was a party… Let’s DANCE!!!”

OMG. Again in the wormhole of Blogs.. and I stumble upon the F#%K IT LIST

watch this…..(don’t worry.. it’s not “bad”… you can watch this at work)

 Here’s mine (I posted some of these on the comment section of the Blog Posting.. but I felt like adding more..)

I WON’T:
– EVER ACCEPT LESS THAN I DESERVE AGAIN!
– EVER EAT CELERY (UNLESS YOU PAY ME A LOT OF MONEY!!!)
– EVER HAVE MY VAJAYJAY PIERCED
– EVER BELIEVE I’VE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT.
– EVER GET INTO HEAVY METAL OR HARD CORE RAP
– EVER UNDERSTAND WHY SO MANY PEOPLE DON’T SEE THE MISUSE OF POWER IN ORGANIZED RELIGION.
– STOP MISSING MY GRANDPA FOR NOT BEING HERE TO VISIT WHEN I WANT TO.
– EVER DECIDE TO LOVE AIR CONDITIONING. (OPEN THEM WINDOWS PLEASE!)
– UNDERSTAND WHY MY PARENTS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE… OY VEY!
– EVER GIVE UP TRYING TO FIND MY PURPOSE!!!! DAMN IT!
– EVER BE ASHAMED OF CRYING (IN PUBLIC/PRIVATE/TO MY CAT…)
– STOP BEING MOVED BY MUSIC AND ART.
– STOP BELIEVING IN GOD.
– STOP DAYDREAMING ABOUT MEETING A CELEBRITY IN A BOOKSTORE.
- STOP WISHING TO GET A (good) 10,000 CHECK IN THE MAIL.
- STOP LOVING MY FRIENDS (PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE) 
- STOP BELIEVING THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
- START BITING MY NAILS
- GIVE UP ON MY DREAM TO LEARN TO SIGN AND UNDERSTAND SIGN WELL ENOUGH TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH A DEAF STRANGER.
- EVER LIVE IN THE MIDWEST (NO OFFENSE)
- STOP BEING A SENSITIVE PERSON.
- START WATCHING THE NEWS..no thanks.
- STOP DAYDREAMING OF MY DREAM HOUSE.
- ALWAYS COLOR IN THE LINES.
- EVER STOP DRINKING COFFEE IN THE MORNING.
- STOP BEING A SEARCHER
- EVER TRULY BE COMFORTABLE WITH THE DARK
- EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER WATCH ANOTHER SCARY MOVIE.
- EVER STOP BEING PROUD THAT I LIKE TO READ.
- THINK THAT PERECTION EXISTS.
- EVER THINK THAT YOU HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT EITHER.
- EVER GIVE UP ON LOSING WEIGHT (AND KEEPING IT OFF AND WEARING A BIKINI)
- EVER BECOME 100% SPONTANEOUS. (BUT I’D LIKE TO LEARN TO BE A BIT MORE THAN I AM NOW)
- EVER PRETEND TO BE SOMETHING I’M NOT.
- EVER GIVE UP MY DREAM TO TRAVEL THROUGH ITALY (SIGH….)
- EVER GET INTO SCIENCE FICTION OR SCIENTOLOGY…
- STOP LOVING MY HUSBAND FOR SAVING MY LIFE.
- STOP DANCING IN MY ROOM, CAR,ETC….
- EVER STOP BELIEVING IN THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE.
- EVER EVER EVER BELIEVE THAT NO DOESN’T MEAN NO.
- JUST START NOT WEARING MY SEATBELT.
- STOP WISHING THAT I WASN’T A MORE OUTDOORSY KINDA PERSON (I’M NOT.)

(THAT’S IT FOR NOW….. I MOST LIKELY WILL ADD MORE WHEN I FEEL I NEED A PICK ME UP BUT FOR NOW…)

I WILL:
– STOP HERE.