Kerilyn… where are you?
Sunday, August 8th, 2010I know… I’ve been MIA lately. I assure you I’m here.
It’s weird… I’m sorta in this weird procrastinating phase… It’s not like I don’t think of doing things – to the contrary I have been spending lots of time visualizing and really FEELING the outcome of what I wish to happen… it seems recently I find I don’t have the physical energy to actually do much… it’s strange. My mind has been very active.. staying focused on creating, planning and maintaining my inner vision of what I would like to manifest… and somehow I end up feeling physically tired. Honestly I can’t describe it exactly which is why it’s strange. Not bad strange just strange. (If anyone has, in the process of creating great change has experienced something similar.. please do share)
But I know…I have so much to fill you in on…I’ve learned a lot in the past month or so… about myself.. my relationship with Peter…just been sorta taking it all in – being the observer of what is possible…swimming in conversation with Peter about moving…making my Married to a Chef idea a reality…visualizing leaving the 9-5 world indefinitely… starting a family… brainstorming a plan to make it happen… creating my vision for what I want my life to look like and attempting to keep the doubts away and be in a place of peacefulness. Absolutely want to fill you in on my first 3 Day Life Coaching Weekend (Module I). It was a life changing weekend and I left feeling resolved that I made the right decision!! Getting ready this week for my assignments and weekly tele-classes to begin. SO excited and yet so almost nervous. Will this come natural to me or will I have to really work at it? How much of this program will take up my after work/social life? How will this affect my already limited time I get to spend with Peter? To be honest I think I have a bout of Fear of Success going on. Fear of Success you say? Yes. It seems with every step I make TOWARD what can possibly become my purpose… leaving the 9-5 world for GOOD and really start to mold my vision…I bump into the voice that does their best to tell me I’m not worth it. In my coaching program they have termed this voice a ‘Gremlin’. It’s in every person. The inner critic that tells you in one way or another that you are not worth it. It comes out differently for every person. To some… it provokes fight or flight. to others.. addiction. To even others.. it’s withdrawal. If you were to sit with someone.. sit long enough.. listen hard enough.. you’ll hear it. “I do this because I REALLY don’t feel worth it. It’s easier for me to treat someone else/myself badly than to really look at and accept my own lack of self worth… I accept less than what I really want because I don’t feel worth it to actually ask for and get what I really feel I DO deserve, and so it goes….
I will admit that learning to become a successful coach is going to take a bit of practice. You see. it’s NOT about telling someone what to do. Nope. To the contrary it’s learning how to ask the right questions so that YOU can figure it out YOURSELF. No “I think you should….” or ” I don’t think you’re…” None of that. I mentioned to my trainer (who was amazing) that weekend that it’s going to take me a little time to get used to NOT injecting my own thoughts. He said (I’m paraphrasing) “It’s like offering someone macaroni and cheese and chocolate cake. It tastes (feels) good and might satisfy for the time being.. but it’s not good for them in the long haul. Coaching is getting someone to see the benefit of eating grilled chicken and vegetables.. and helping THEM choose to eat it to get the long term benefit.”
So yea…. I’m still here but just marinating in all this learning.. all this future envisioning… all this learning to ACCEPT the “What is” of where I am at my life.
Feeling restless in my job – as I am preparing for this shift. It’s been quite a revelation – that design has been “just a job” all along like I finally came to grips with back November after announcing my intention to become a Life Coach. I’m kinda an all or nothing kinda person (in good and bad) and so this weird limbo phase makes me uncomfortable. I know I need to dive into this feeling. Learning to be present in the moment… but I’m not one to ‘fake the funk’ and I’m having a challenging time being invested in my 9-5. I need to seek help with this because I know myself.. You can FEEL how I’m feeling very easily when you’re around me… so I know I need to get a handle of this state before my employers start to feel my uneasyness. It serves a very important purpose. And for that I need to show my gratitude more. (Awesome when you figure out what you have to do as you’re writing it out!)
Finally – Peter are I have rounded third base and are about to slide into home of our First Anniversary. Amazing how fast one year goes, huh? How much has happened.. but how much still remains the same. Peter and I have decided to road trip to Montreal for the week. I’m excited. It’s one of the places I’ve always wanted to go. (Along with Portland, San Antonio and Prague to name a few) Our year has been like the tide – moments of bringing us close.. feeling “so in love” with each other.. then as the tide wanes.. we drift apart and its in those moments when we do a lot of growing. It’s been amazing. In good moments (great moments) and not so great moments… I KNOW I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am so glad we have already withstood many storms… and EVERY time.. it always brings us closer together. We are so different.. but it’s because of that difference.. that we can reach out more toward who WE are.. knowing the other person is there to keep us balanced and grounded. Peter is an amazing man. I feel his love Every Single Day. (Even when I believe I don’t deserve it) It’s been truly amazing.
I will leave you all with the quote that we used on our wedding program. I feel this really sums the journey that Peter and I have taken.. and where we continually find ourselves when we really stop to look into each others hearts.
“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”
– Captain Corelli’s Mandolin
much love to you all,
Kerilyn







