We're LIVE!!!

I feel like I haven’t written in FOREVER. Almost feel like I’m neglecting you. It’s been BIZ-ZAY over here in Kerilynland. The past month has been like a dream. Part nightmare and part ‘Dreams do come true’ ‘ kinda dream. (Settle in folks, this is a LONG post!)

Why you say?  (good question)

Married to a Chef

And so begins my online quest to find support. I found an article (of which I actually commented if you look, under ‘thisdreamergirl’) found a page on facebook group – and then I hit the Jackpot – DesparateChefsWives – this young 20 something has created a place to go to hear her story, and to commune with – blog style. I found myself reading for hours and feeling better after doing so…. But I wanted more.

I wanted a place where we can talk to EACH OTHER. We can connect with each other. Meet up with each other too. (And this was before I lost my job and even considered being a Life Coach!) I wanted an entire support platform.

So since I couldn’t find that.. I decided I’d create it myself! (with my regular philosophy of “What do I REALLY have to lose?”)  I went ahead and bought the domain name marriedtoachef.com/net, married2achef.com/net – told my wonderful girlfriend Kyra (who designed this site)  about my project and that I wanted her creative vision to drive the message I wanted to send out to the world.  She was IN! (SCORE!) And so it was….

Then life happened. I lost my job (two months before my wedding no less!) and on went months of stagnation and fear. (six to be exact) With the help of many blessings, we got thru the wedding, and honeymoon and back to my quest of “WHAT do I do with my life?” With the help of Peter (of course), we went for a drive one day when i was feeling especially lost, and what resulted was this astounding epiphany that I should do what I always wanted to do – Help other people!!! HOLY SHIT!  Attempted to enroll in the Life Coaching Program but without a job, that wasn’t gonna happen.

All along, my enthusiasm for Married to a Chef was there. Somewhere inside me I KNEW that this was a BIG idea. HUGE actually. My wonderful wonderful talented friend Terry designed this RIGHT ON THE MONEY logo for Married to a Chef (of which makes me smile everytime I look at it knowing my friend did something amazing for me). I wanted to wait to do anything public until I submitted a Trademark Application (again, I had a feeling this idea was HUGE – and felt the urge to protect it) So I had to wait until I got a job and had some money coming in so I could pay for the application ($300 bucks) I was antsy.. sitting on my hands those last months being unemployed.. AIMLESS with this HUGE idea.  Alas, January 2010 I started working and paying off my debts, and as SOON as I was able.. that application was filed and I took a deep breath of relief! FINALLY I can start talking about this!!!

My girl Kyra was about to give birth and was busy preparing for her new arrival, so I paid someone $50 that I found on Craigslist to put up a front page, a teaser page as they call it.  February 2010 – the temporary front page went up. (Truthfully it didn’t match the energy I wanted to give to the site but I DESPARATELY needed to take a step (ANY STEP)  in the direction that would give me a feeling of momentum, getting somewhere, after those months of feeling lost.)  People started signing up to “Stay Tuned” for the full site launch. I was blown away when I got my first sign up, then 5, then 10. I asked those that signed up to tell me their location, so I’d know where in the world these people are coming from and I was again, speechless when I found that these interested parties were from ALL OVER THE WORLD!!! Like New Zealand, Africa, Australia!! WHAT? Could this really be happening?

By now I’m enrolled in the Life Coaching program, and my mission in life is now NOT what I had been thinking since I was 21 (Interior Design) but this mission to rejoin with my 6 year old Kerilyn dream of being a psychologist and helping other people!!! Holy Schnikeys! So Married to a Chef has transformed into my business idea, and a way of bringing in income.

In coaching what Married to a Chef is is called a niche. A specialization. And I – have one pretty STRONG NICHE!

But before coaching – Peter and the peeps from his company were invited to the Rammys – in June (Coaching started in July) . The Rammys are this award celebration of the DC Food Industry and that means that Chefs (AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS) were going to be there!!! Peter (again in his wisdom) suggested I make something to promote Married to a Chef. (GREAT IDEA HONEY!) So my girl Kyra created this KICKASS postcard so I could hand it out to well.. everyone! I made 50 postcards.. and handed out (more like left them on the tables – I found out I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to be handing them out… something called soliciting) so I just walked around and left them on the tables) I got a few responses after that but even MORE – I had something I could hand out to people to tell them what my mission is! (this postcard has provided more than I ever thought it would have) I carry a few on me and whenever the topic comes up  – BAM! I throw out a postcard!

In the meantime, Kyra redesigns the front page and OMG. As I thought it reflects the energy I wanted to bring… soft, personal, with an eye catching design. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! (definite pinch me moment here!)  The summer comes and goes and I go up to NJ in early fall to visit my girl Kyra (now with her beautiful daughter Indira ) and we work thru the layout of the pages, what they will be – a general gist of the site. (kinda like a bubble diagram) And before my eyes it’s ALL starting to come together. (definitely another pinch me moment).  We collaborate together and are starting to really build this up…

then BAM. I hit a HUGE WALL.

NO joke. It came time to writing the content. THE MEAT of the site. And I froze. True, I was really busy with the 9-5 job and 3/week coaching assignments in the evenings, doing some heavy inner work on myself via coaching that has been somewhat tiring (yet totally worth it) but it was something else. I kept making excuses that I was busy (well, I was) but it felt like an excuse.

You made it THIS far Kerilyn what is stopping you now?

WEEKS turned into almost two months I believe, telling Kyra.. “yea yea I’m going to get you something by X” and well.. it didn’t happen.  I knew what it was but I didn’t want to face it, didn’t want to say it out loud… so I kept on for a while with the excuses.

then The Washington Post called.

Go back in time to the fall, and I had some wackadoo “what do I REALLY have to lose?” moment and I write a letter (an actual letter) to EVERY PERSON in the food section of The Washington Post. I, of course, include one of the kickass postcards. Saying what Married to a Chef is and when we’re launching (at this point it was December 2010/January 2011)  I think there were (7) letters in all. And you know what.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

Yep, nothing. Until THREE weeks before Valentines Day. They wanted to do an article about celebrating (or not celebrating) Valentines day with your Chef, and HOLY SHIT! they want to feature 1. Married to a Chef and 2. Peter and I!!! Yea… this woman of MANY MANY WORDS (uh this post is PRIME example) really had none.

When you need to light a huge fire under your ass.. having an article PLUG your website is JUST the thing!  AAAHHH! What does that mean???  It means I have to push past this HUGE FEAR/BLOCK!!! First I had to realize what the block was. It was the fact that after this launches. I can NO LONGER just SAY this is an idea. I can no longer hide. I have to fully stand in the present, and accept whatever comes my way. I cannot take this back. This also means that my dreams are coming true and well, I’m still working on receiving the blessings and joy from this. (You mean dreams DO come true?)

*We had a photo shoot with the Post and an interview was done too. This was fun. Check it out – here is the article online titled – How do they do it?

So.. for what? two, three Saturdays I sat.. in my pajamas.. and just started writing. I was almost scared. I mean, Who am I to tell someone anything? I’m not perfect.. I don’t have it all together. How can I help others? I found the minute I put myself in someone elses shoes.. it just flowed. So I did that.  And one by one.. the pages of meat were completed.. and my girl Kyra.. GOD BLESS HER… with an almost one year old in tow… KNOCKED out a website BEYOND what I ever could’ve imagined. I got access to the back end as Kyra worked.. and that SO helped me SEE my vision coming to life. It was like creating a sculpture. We would be on Instant messenger.. back and forth.. it was AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL and SPIRIT driven.  (okay getting choked up here)

Within MINUTES people were signing up.. creating their own profiles and joining groups to chat. It was mind blowing.  And it continues to be…….

So there you have it.. why I’ve been a smidge distant. My energy has been dedicated to this mission and I’ve purposefully made different choices so I can accomplish this! (Like being home on Saturdays with NO plans)

Onto Phase II – happening April into the summer.. creating programs and products that will ALLOW me to have active and passive income so I can, with CONFIDENCE and ENTHUSIASM move toward my 2012 Declaration toward living (EVERY DAY) an inspired life.

Before I go, I’d like to take a moment to , with everything I am, thank my girlfriend Kyra (I call her K) K, your vision for Married to a Chef paralleled EXACTLY with the feel I wanted to express.  I never had any strong pull toward any certain design or look, but what you created was almost like a mind meld of what I wanted the MESSAGE or FEEL to relay. I only sort of know how much work went into sculpting this website, and I am SO DAMN GLAD that you are my partner on this journey. THANK YOU!!!  I could not have done this without you and I WOULD NOT HAVE WANTED TO. I SO look forward to Phase II and beyond with you.

with their blessing at workisnotajob

dropping in for a quick self bitch slap to remind me that I have ALOT to be grateful for.

5 things I’m grateful for:

1. First and foremost – my husband. I still find myself wondering how much, a gift from God he is to me. Yes, at times he severely pushes my buttons (which means he’s one of the greatest teachers in my life) but he’s also the pacifier when I’m in the middle of a freak out. He has this way of either giving it to me straight that slaps me out of it.. or he infuriates me to the point that the contrast of what I’m experiencing allows me to realize it on my own.  It’s truly a blessing, either way.
2. Morning Coffee – this will never change from being on my top 5 things I’m grateful for.
3. That our place has a LOT more natural light – wherever we go – which facilitates me feeling better.. more expansive. GO SUN!
4. My coaches – they have pushed quite hard on me these past few months – and I am feeling closer than I ever have.. of being okay with where I am (and more importantly) me in general. Comfortable? hell no. Liberating? Ding Ding!
5. Housewarming Parties – that remind me that there are many people who love me (even when I may not)

4 things I cannot stop thinking about:

1. WHATEVER it is that has me from doing what I KNOW I gotta be doing with Married to a Chef!!! Feeling a huge, city wide block of procrastination around getting this done!! WHY???
2. Saving every single dollar I bring in (Saving $ = Freedom)
3. Getting a facial or massage. (I think this is because of my need for comfort.. to be touched)
4. CRAVING (and I mean hard core) for time by myself. Just me, Pez and silence.

3 things I want to accomplish THIS WEEK KERILYN!!!

1. GET the ‘Evolution’ pages done for MtaC this Saturday (Shoooot, get the whole site done!)!!! (Note to self: Kerilyn, you know.. once you start writing it’ll flow.. now DO IT!!! What are you afraid of!!!???!!!)
2. Spend at least an hour every nite between now (Wednesday evening) and Saturday reading either The Artist in the Office or Highly Sensitive Person.
3. Finish organizing my closet.

2 things I am working on being positive about:

1. I am walking up to the wall that has really nasty things written on it.. (THAT I HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT MYSELF) and acknowledging and facing them NOT as fact, but as the other me who is terrified to fail, to look like a failure and a fraud to everyone around her. Giving myself comfort (instead of seeking it outside myself) because when I really look at the false vision behind what I’m telling myself – I have accomplished ALOT in my  life, and should be DAMN proud of it!
2. That my body can do amazing things (like be a home for a baby) and so I should love it more.

One random thing:

Wanna hear something cool? Peter and I are going to be featured in the food section of The Washington Post on Feb 9th for their valentines day issue. About Married to a Chef!!! (oh and about a few couples who are also ‘Married to a Chef’!) How cool is that? (answer: very!)

From Jen at Bits of Truth

*I love this photo/saying… It speaks to me today.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if there really was a superhero to save the day? You know.. to fly into a sticky situation that somehow is in frozen in time, and “save the day”? When I think of a hero.. I think, Wonder Woman.*alright Wonder Woman doesn’t wear a cape but no matter… I also think of the Bionic Woman. *again, no cape. alas….

We don’t give ourselves enough credit that we actually DO have the strength and know how to do what it takes to DO what we have to do. We doubt, second guess ourselves, look backwards for an answer to the present. What would it be like – in the moment – to remember that WE are our own superhero? We don our own cape, take a deep breath, and say… “I’ll take it from here!”

One of the coaching tools I’m learning when working with clients is acknowledging and validating. It allows the client to really feel heard, and then a sense of whatever the person is going thru… is common (I choose to not use the word ‘normal’) for the person to be feeling what they are feeling. Acknowledging and validating work.  I’ve been the recipient of it and also watched how someone shifts their energy from anxious.. to “oh really? you mean it’s OKAY that I’m feeling this way?”

I’m realizing just how much we do not give ourselves permission to do… well, anything! Feel sad, feel *sensitive, ooh feel ANGRY, feel proud and confident. Somehow the giving of permission to do all these things is somehow GONE. No WONDER why we look to those around us for answers. We don’t even know how to feel confident in the feelings we DO have!

*side note: learned a LOT this weekend about Highly Sensitive People - oh my gosh when all the traits of a HSP are a BULLSEYE about me and how shocked I was once I heard the statistics about how many of us there are!

I think THAT is where our cape is… in giving ourselves the permission to DO, FEEL or SAY what we are feeling on the inside. Letting the OUTSIDE match the inside because when it comes down to it.. if you’re even slightly alive.. you can FEEL when what you see (on the outside) doesn’t match what you sense is going on within.

Acknowledging is really listening.. and then playing back what you heard.. so the person on the other end really FEELS your interest in what they are saying. Usually starts with “What I hear you saying is……..” (or other similar ways of saying this)  It allows the client to really FEEL heard. And come on.. isn’t that all that we really want anyway?

Validating is neutralizing the energy of the situation. “Well yea… it totally makes sense that anyone in your situation would feel ……..” There’s the PERMISSION to feel the way you do.

That’s the moment when we can tie on that cape of ours and say to whatever situation we’re in….

“I’ll take it from here!”

Just wanted to take this moment to say wherever you are, whatever situation you’re in.. I’m sure it MAKES SENSE that you’re feeling the way you are… now, pick up that cape, no matter what it’s made of.. and realize that YOU have the power to make a different decision, or a new decision, or do a 180 degree pivot turn and go in another direction. YOU. (yes, you my lovely.)

GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION.

Now say it with me….. “I’ll take it from here!”

xoxo
Kerilyn

ps: as an example.. I will give myself permission to feel damn proud of writing this blog post tonite! TA DA! ~and the cape goes on!~

Up to now, I kinda felt the opposite of what Home Sweet Home is supposed to feel like to me. Rushing to grow up.. rushing here… rushing there. To meet this deadline and to finish this goal before the year flies by (or before my biological clock stops ticking as one recent example). Reactively planning myself into a box with no door. And…just when I feel like I get into a groove, get some future reactive planning in place,  somehow I add even more to my list, or something unexpected happens. Now, I will admit that I do find solace in the repetitive nature of life - being a creature of habit – the having of a  routine tends to have a calming affect on me, knowing what I’m doing and what it’s going to look like, taste like, feel like, allows me to feel at ease - but the past few years I have gotten a little nutty with the planning. REACTIVE planning that is.

uh.. Stop the insanity please.

I can look back on the past 5 years of my life and see the events unfolding like that skipping rock on the water; watching one moment in time lead to the next to the next. (Shoot I can probably go back almost two decades without flinching)  Happening with purpose and ON purpose.  (For the record:  not all of these events were fun or pleasant, to the contrary many were filled with tears, a sense of sadness and a “WTF is going on?” mentality.) Note I said I could look BACK, not forward. Seems I’ve always REACTED to situations only after being placed in my lap instead of being proactive that theyre going to occur in the first place. And, like somehow I thought once getting thru one situation “Whew.. that’s over now it’ll never happen again!”  just to REACT to something else I wasn’t expecting or wasn’t prepared to deal with.  Starting in 2010 though, it began to shift from only looking back to being able to shift my gaze forward, being PROACTIVE in our decisions.  (which in turn allowed me to become a bit more spontaneous – HUGE for this girl!) I began to watch the skipping rock of both my own decisions combined with the partnering of my husbands.. in a forward direction, and I felt a deep sense of peace when what we were proactive about was dealt with a sense of calm and accomplishment rather than feeling overwhelmed while looking over my shoulder wondering when the boogeyman was going to ‘get’ me.

And, as most of you know, I have some BIG plans for 2011 in my declaration to make 2011 my bitch. One of them was to return to my meditation practice. I am OVERJOYED to report that I am in week two of meditating every morning. I am finding myself waking with joy to take a shower, get my coffee ready and then sit for 20-30 minutes in the dark of the night only to open my eyes to the rising sun. I can definitely tell a difference in my body and also I believe in my thoughts. (Next up, exercise.) But another decision that almost came outta right field that feels more right than I ever expected for this repetitive planner is the decision to STAY HOME 3 out of the 4 Saturdays/month, this year. No plans. No lunches, no movie plans with girlfriends. Staying home. (Why not the whole weekend? you ask. Sunday is Peters (the hubs) weekend day off, so Sundays are our sacred day for us to be together and do whatever, which usually involves being out and about but I’m happy doing whatever when I’m with him.) Of course there will be life, and which Saturday which I make plans will adjust.. but I DECLARE that I will be home 3 out of the 4 Saturdays. Oh my gosh I cannot tell you how excited I am that I have NO plans of leaving the house tomorrow. I’m waking up and doing laundry and BUSTING out some content for Married to a Chef and pow wowing with my girl Kyra sometime this weekend and enjoying EVERY minute! Will this be a bit of an adjustment? absolutely. I will admit the pull of “well… I can call Kim up and see what she’s doing for lunch…” but I say NO.. No Kerilyn. and I come back to my image of this picture. HOME SWEET HOME.  Ah yes, Thank You.

Talking about proactive decisions and planning. What I want right now is to start my family, and I am (whether I am prepared or not) in the process of ‘birthing’ my business idea that also needs dedicated attention and focus. Both these goals I cannot do while I’m out and about.. but exactly where I am, at home.

From workisnotajob

 It’s as if this sign was made for ME.

no really. When I read it.. it’s the things I hear Peter telling me all the time… ‘baby,don’t cry – it’s alright’….it’s gonna be fine’… yet somehow, this past year I’ve noticed I feel more uptight and short fused than ever. (In all honesty, I feel I’ve been this way all my life but the past two years I’ve had a much greater awareness of these moments and their aftermath)

and I do not like it one bit.

It’s not like I don’t have the tools or understand how to use the tools to bring greater peace into my life…
no, this is more like I am carrying a toolbelt with valuable hammers, needlenose pliers, and an array of different size alan wrenches but somehow…
in the moment.. (this is key to remember)
I totally forget I’m WEARING the tools to get the job done!!!

ugh… it’s the ‘in the moment’ part that I completely disregard everything that I have read, watched, or discussed.
yep, out the window it goes and I become this raging and panicking animal.

*Please believe me when I say I am NOT exaggerating. My family and husband can testify to the moments of complete freakazoid temper tantrums.*

Here’s the thing…frankly while it’s happening… I’m MOSTLY angry at myself for reacting this way which makes it even more challenging to snap out of it.
Because to those who are around me when I’m in this mode don’t hear the voices in my head.. telling me, ‘Kerilyn, here you go again.. freaking out over NOTHING! It’s no wonder everyone walks away from you when you get in that zone. How are you going to teach your children how to live in peace if you cannot do it yourself?? You think Peter is going to put up with this for the rest of your life? WRONG.” and so it goes.. on and on.

These thoughts are like whips upon my skin… whipping myself. When I’m saying how stupid I am that I know the more I say negative things about myself, those around me, and what I’m doing.. the MORE I’m bringing frustration and dis-ease into my life….  the more sucked into the black hole I become.

ugh.. I’m angry.. SO angry at myself.. that the ONLY way I can release the anger (at myself) is to cry. And cry I do…..

Just thinking of how easily I am set off… and how embarrassed and ashamed I am of myself for reacting this way…makes me think of Peter and all those that I LOVE that have born witness to this.

*Side note: I know that a large part of this behaviour is learned. I cannot tell you how many times I experienced my father reacting the same way to something growing up and how it made me feel. I remember him cursing wildly, even throwing things when things were more complicated than he originally thought. We walked on eggshells around him and even today, my sister and I have our own check in with each other so we know what kind of “mood” my father is in. I am not BLAMING my father because I am firmly aware that this is a choice I have made - but I know it was the tool that I picked up as a way of dealing (unsuccessfully) to moments that are out of my control. For it works, it makes others FEEL the way I’m feeling.. even if for just a moment. I had a moment a few days ago on Christmas eve.. with my parents visiting where I went into one of these moments.. and said out loud (in the midst of my frustration) that this was learned behavior…surprisingly to me, my father confirmed. He too, knew this was his way of reacting.. and defended it. I said I was ashamed of it and in that moment bought ‘it’ to the surface, which to some degree - loosened up the reigns on my shame. To anyone within close radius of what I have coined “Seeing Red” – I ask for your forgiveness.  I am VERY MUCH aware of how it makes others feel and I DECLARE to significantly reduce if not stop this reaction. I feel dedicated to this cause*

Part of making 2011 my bitch  is to somehow always be aware that I HAVE THE TOOLS!!! That I can CHOOSE to react differently.

Something I know I’ve shared here on my blog but something that has stuck with me is when my Auntie visited me back in 2004.. stayed at my house.. and she said that I have all these wonderful inspiring things around my house but that I don’t live it. Of course it wasn’t easy to hear… but I couldn’t disagree. I remember that every time I stare at another affirmation or inspirational picture I have on my shelf. I mean shoot.. Ancora Imparo means “I am still learning” but how bout “I SUCCEEDED in learning it!”  I’m ready not to still be learning.. but to really put into practice all that I’ve learned to finally bear fruit.

One path to that goal is to enforce my 2011 goals that I mentioned in my last post - PLAY and SELF-CARE.  Whatever will allow me the choice to be at greater peace in my head. To dramatically reduce the churning churning churning in my head. Another that I believe will help me find success is to just WALK AWAY when I am feeling one of these moments coming on. I think my philosophy of  tackling something until it’s done is SO STRONG that I always am feeling like I cannot do it all, be it all, etc.. I KNOW this philosophy needs to shift to one of LEAVE IT and come back to it  later. Giving myself a time out. It will still be there. It’s OKAY to walk away from it. It doesn’t mean I have failed but in walking away I HONOR my desire to remain at peace, and continue to maintain a level of serenity instead of that straight shot up to RED ZONE.

Feels so awesome to have my new year goals to be of doing LESS instead of doing more. Hot Damn.

xoxo
Kerilyn

From Jen at Bits of Truth

When I read this I let out a great big laugh. Not because it was funny (well it is funny in it’s delivery)  but because this speaks to how I see 2011. (*)

I am declaring this…. (now that I am more comfortable making declarations thanks to Jess and Michelle (and Pierre François Frédéric of course) over at The Declaration of You e-course I took in the fall. Thank you Ladeez and all the Declaration Debutantes that went on the ride with me!!!)

My visual for this declaration looks like me as a cowboy herding a pack of horses , directing this years events with ease. Not forcing it, fighting it,  or being mean to it…  inflicting pain.. just lovingly directing it, moving with it in the direction I want to go. Yee Haw.

Here’s the catch. I am both the horse and the cowboy. The past year (shoot most/all of my life) my thoughts have been like the wild horse… powerful (especially when in a group of negative thoughts), uncontrolled, without rest, correct nutrition, wandering aimlessly, continuously running in an attempt to find…. something. (What exactly I don’t know) It has caused me to sabotage myself so many times, in the decisions I make about my physical body, my relationships, and my overall mental state. I am running (I call it churning) churning churning churning in my head like those wild horses. Allowing it to have all the power and creating fear and causing destruction with whomever and whatever it comes into contact with.

Here’s where I give myself some credit; I have made some powerful, life altering decisions over the past two and half years. Without worry for their outcome. Those decisions were made in power and unyielding faith but I have not been able to sustain those moments in the long term. Well this year I declare will be the year where I conjure up my inner cowboy… herding my thoughts into the direction that will yield the greatest results.

My two guns (Cowboys gotta carry guns, eh?) or TOOLS/WORDS that will help me in this exploration are called

Why these two?

Because 1. I have realized that I took ALL of 2010 off of keeping up with Self Care. That means 365+ days of not exercising, eating healthier, doing the things that make me feel “so much myself” (like wearing contacts vs. glasses, shopping for clothes/shoes, wearing makeup, meditation, reading, being in the sun, working on my cards…. all these things (not just one or two) Even the two things I really enjoy doing for myself (getting my nails done and eyebrows waxed) I wasn’t as regular about doing this past year.  Kinda like “hey ya’ll.. we’ve decided w’ere  going to shut down the plant for one whole year!” What?  Thats one whole year of dust collected in the crevices, and malfunctioning systems that need to be serviced and maintained in order to get back up and running! When my self care priorities are higher on my list, (like they were before I lost my job/got married in 2009) I was happier IN GENERAL. I wasn’t churning churning churning in my brain/thoughts three quarters (3/4)  as much as I do now…. (we’re reigning in the horsies people!!!)

and 2. Because I realize that I do not play enough/Live with abandonment that I am unable to be fully present in the moment.  What am I abandoning? My friggin churning thoughts! The worry, the constant being fearful of the future…of not being successful… I probably have never had PLAY high enough on my life list. I’ve always been overly cautious. “Be serious!” Having to think it through before I do anything… This year I DECLARE to dramatically reduce my “Swimming in the Deep End” conversations with my friends, and allowing myself to be more childlike… to PLAY MORE.  (anyone want to join me? I mean it.)

The numbero uno way that I will allow myself to play more in my life is to DANCE. I LOVE DANCING. I want to GO dancing more this year, and do things that involve dancing and moving my body. When I’m dancing… listening to a good beat, or hearing words that inspire me.. I’M NOT CHURNING!!! This year I declare I will DANCE! *I asked Peter for belly dancing classes for my birthday… (permagrin)

So there it is folks…. I DECLARE 2011 WILL be my bitch. The cowboy in me is determined to reign in on these churning thoughts… and ALLOW myself the space to ENJOY my life instead of just living it.

I wish you all a Happy Holiday! Whatever you do, wherever you are… I am grateful you are on my bus, comfortable visiting Kerilynland from time to time… and I wish you many belly laughs over the next few weeks!!! *think of me when you’re in the midst of one, eh?

Much Love,
Kerilyn

*Thank you, Jen darlin for spilling your wonderful quotes/visuals. I LOVE that I can use them in my blog!!*

From Jen at Bits of Truth

what a ride…. is all I can say.

The past week has been an amazing, beautiful, tragic, can’t avoid facing the truth anymore kinda weekend.
The quote that came to mind while rushing to my families side was…
“Life is what happens (to you) when you’re busy making other plans” -John Lennon
One minute the trajectory is A and the next… A is thrown out the window and you’re flailing toward B.

{In the midst of packing up last things Friday nite to move to our new digs, I get a call from my sister that my mothers having a stroke.}

Moments of confusion while I attempt to get a grip with the situation…
and then… the reality hits me and I’m in the car driving out to be with my family.
my thoughts were racing…is this really happening? is this it? will I get there before I can tell her how I feel?
I won’t lie that my thoughts were also of the selfish nature, whether my future children will know my mother.
I didn’t feel alone in my car.. while tears streamed down my face like a leaky faucet, I felt love and support in these moments.

then something shifted, and I haven’t felt quite the same since.
What I thought was important to me, what i had been holding onto for YEARS…
suddenly fell away and I was able to see my own internal block with greater clarity.
And in that moment I found forgiveness.

*In my recent studies I’m learning so much about how it’s ALL about forgiveness.*

Thankfully  (Praise God/my mother) that she is better and is home as of today but it sent a CLEAR and STRONG message.
I do not have forever with her in this lifetime, and I better make whatever I have count.
Does it change my beliefs about what caused the block to be there in the first place, No. 
But it shouted “Kerilyn… what if she wasn’t here tomorrow?”

I realized in this experience just how much I have taken for granted.
My mother is always doing for us, despite her own physical pain which is greater than I think we can imagine.
I want to be fully present to receive her offerings of love..so I can continue to create those memories in my mind.
In order to do that, I believe I need to forgive the ‘what is” of what got us to this point.
I’m still feeling unsure of how to proceed… this block has been there since my teenage years.
But feel a strong momentum to allow forgiveness to take the lead.
I want to be able to accept and meet my parents where they ARE… without shifting my own faith about how this world we experience works.
But I have the memory of my thoughts in my car Friday nite to go back to if/when I slide back into that comfortable block state.

I am grateful for my mothers recovery, and choose to ALLOW forgiveness to lead the way.

*oh.. and with a few days of being in a daze like state.. the hubs and I are fully moved to our new digs.. still have some subtantial unpacking to do but we’re both
REALLY happy with our decision to move here. It feels like a family lives here and that’s the energy we want to create going into the new year.*

PS: Can you believe that Christmas is next week? I cannot.

 Found a bunch o’ questions that I thought I’d like to answer in the few moments before I go back to wake/coffee/work/pack/coaching calls/sleep (hoping this will be over by Sunday)

6 names you go by:
1. Kerilyn
2. Keri
3. Ker
4. Ker-Bear
5. Keriwinwin
6. Honey

3 things you are wearing right now:
1. my wedding rings
2. my stupid glasses
3. my multi colored heart socks

4 things you want very badly at this moment:
1. to have this move OVER with
2. to NOT have to work at the 9-5 anymore
3. baby belly
4. to be back to running 3 miles/day mentality

2 things you did last night:
1. Had my last SARA group meeting
2. 2 hr weekly coaching teleclass about intuition. (LOVED IT!) *Bonus that my own coach was the presenter of the teleclass*

the last 2 people you talked to on the phone:
1. the furniture people, confirming our furniture delivery on Saturday.
2.  The Hubs

2 things you are going to do tomorrow:
1. NOT go to the 9-5 tomorrow (took off because it’s supposed to rain Sunday (our original move date) so the schedule has been adjusted to accomodate
2. move as MUCH stuff as I can, all day long.

3 favorite drinks:
1. coffee!!
2. room temperature water
3. orange juice

alright… I’m off.. more next week!
Have a great weekend!
xoxo
Kerilyn