I know… I’ve been MIA lately. I assure you I’m here.

It’s weird… I’m sorta in this weird procrastinating phase… It’s not like I don’t think of doing things – to the contrary I have been spending lots of time visualizing and really FEELING the outcome of what I wish to happen… it seems recently I find I don’t have the physical energy to actually do much… it’s strange. My mind has been very active.. staying focused on creating, planning and maintaining my inner vision of what I would like to manifest… and somehow I end up feeling physically tired.  Honestly I can’t describe it exactly which is why it’s strange. Not bad strange just strange.  (If anyone has, in the process of creating great change has experienced something similar.. please do share)

But I know…I have so much to fill you in on…I’ve learned a lot in the past month or so… about myself.. my relationship with Peter…just been sorta taking it all in – being the observer of what is possible…swimming in conversation with Peter about moving…making my Married to a Chef idea a reality…visualizing leaving the 9-5 world indefinitely… starting a family… brainstorming a plan to make it happen… creating my vision for what I want my life to look like and attempting to keep the doubts away and be in a place of peacefulness. Absolutely want to fill you in on my first 3 Day Life Coaching Weekend (Module I). It was a life changing weekend and I left feeling resolved that I made the right decision!! Getting ready this week for my assignments and weekly tele-classes to begin. SO excited and yet so almost nervous. Will this come natural to me or will I have to really work at it? How much of this program will take up my after work/social life? How will this affect my already limited time I get to spend with Peter?  To be honest I think I have a bout of Fear of Success going on. Fear of Success you say? Yes. It seems with every step I make TOWARD what can possibly become my purpose… leaving the 9-5 world for GOOD and really start to mold my vision…I bump into the voice that does their best to tell me I’m not worth it. In my coaching program they have termed this voice a ‘Gremlin’. It’s in every person. The inner critic that tells you in one way or another that you are not worth it.  It comes out differently for every person. To some… it provokes  fight or flight. to others.. addiction. To even others.. it’s withdrawal. If you were to sit with someone.. sit long enough.. listen hard enough.. you’ll hear it. “I do this because I REALLY don’t feel worth it. It’s easier for me to treat someone else/myself badly than to really look at and accept my own lack of self worth… I accept less than what I really want because I don’t feel worth it to actually ask for and get what I really feel I DO deserve, and so it goes….

I will admit that learning to become a successful coach is going to take a bit of practice. You see. it’s NOT about telling someone what to do. Nope. To the contrary it’s learning how to ask the right questions so that YOU can figure it out YOURSELF. No “I think you should….” or ” I don’t think you’re…” None of that. I mentioned to my trainer (who was amazing) that weekend that it’s going to take me a little time to get used to NOT injecting my own thoughts. He said (I’m paraphrasing)  “It’s like offering someone macaroni and cheese and chocolate cake. It tastes (feels) good and might satisfy for the time being.. but it’s not good for them in the long haul. Coaching is getting someone to see the benefit of eating grilled chicken and vegetables.. and helping THEM choose to eat it to get the long term benefit.”

So yea…. I’m still here but just marinating in all this learning.. all this future envisioning… all this learning to ACCEPT the “What is” of where I am at my life.

Feeling restless in my job – as I am preparing for this shift. It’s been quite a revelation – that design has been “just a job” all along like I finally came to grips with back November after announcing my intention to become a Life Coach. I’m kinda an all or nothing kinda person (in good and bad) and so this weird limbo phase makes me uncomfortable. I know I need to dive into this feeling. Learning to be present in the moment… but I’m not one to ‘fake the funk’ and I’m having a challenging time being invested in my 9-5. I need to seek help with this because I know myself.. You can FEEL how I’m feeling very easily when you’re around me… so I know I need to get a handle of this state before my employers start to feel my uneasyness.  It serves a very important purpose. And for that I need to show my gratitude more. (Awesome when you figure out what you have to do as you’re writing it out!)

Finally – Peter are I have rounded third base and are about to slide into home of our First Anniversary. Amazing how fast one year goes, huh? How much has happened.. but how much still remains the same. Peter and I have decided to road trip to Montreal for the week. I’m excited. It’s one of the places I’ve always wanted to go. (Along with Portland, San Antonio and Prague to name a few) Our year has been like the tide – moments of bringing us close.. feeling “so in love” with each other.. then as the tide wanes.. we drift apart and its in those moments when we do a lot of growing. It’s been amazing.  In good moments (great moments) and not so great moments… I KNOW I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am so glad we have already withstood many storms… and EVERY time.. it always brings us closer together. We are so different.. but it’s because of that difference.. that we can reach out more toward who WE are.. knowing the other person is there to keep us balanced and grounded. Peter is an amazing man. I feel his love Every Single Day. (Even when I believe I don’t deserve it)  It’s been truly amazing.

I will leave you all with the quote that we used on our wedding program. I feel this really sums the journey that Peter and I have taken.. and where we continually find ourselves when we really stop to look into each others hearts.

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

– Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

much love to you all,

Kerilyn

thank you to the wormhole of amazing blogs I dive into…. one leads me to another and another.. sometimes for hours.. swimming in the cool refreshing pool of inspiring artists and fellow “searchers“  – I find solace. Lately my focus has been finding others – who speak to my condition. I have found others and Today, thanks to Danielle, I found the following which I wanted to share…. a reminder that we are not alone – that there are ALWAYS someone thinking  about, or praying for us.(I loved some of the comments left in her posting – so I also added them…..

the manifesto of encouragement

right now:

There are Tibetan Buddhist monks in a temple in the Himalayas endlessly reciting mantras for the cessation of your suffering and for the flourishing of your happiness.

Someone you haven’t met yet is already dreaming of adoring you.

Someone is writing a book that you will read in the next two years that will change how you look at life.

Nuns in the Alps are in endless vigil, praying for the Holy Spirit to alight the hearts of all of God’s children.

A farmer is looking at his organic crops and whispering, “nourish them.”

Someone wants to kiss you, to hold you, to make tea for you. Someone is willing to lend you money, wants to know what your favourite food is, and treat you to a movie. Someone in your orbit has something immensely valuable to give you — for free.

Something is being invented this year that will change how your generation lives, communicates, heals and passes on.

The next great song is being rehearsed.

Thousands of people are in yoga classes right now intentionally sending light out from their heart chakras and wrapping it around the earth.

Millions of children are assuming that everything is amazing and will always be that way.

Someone is in profound pain, and a few months from now, they’ll be thriving like never before. They just can’t see it from where they’re at.

Someone who is craving to be partnered, to be acknowledged, to ARRIVE, will get precisely what they want — and even more. And because that gift will be so fantastical in it’s reach and sweetness, it will quite magically alter their memory of angsty longing and render it all “So worth the wait.”

Someone has recently cracked open their joyous, genuine nature because they did the hard work of hauling years of oppression off of their psyche — this luminous juju is floating in the ether, and is accessible to you.

Someone just this second wished for world peace, in earnest.

Someone is fighting the fight so that you don’t have to.

Some civil servant is making sure that you get your mail, and your garbage is picked up, that the trains are running on time, and that you are generally safe. Someone is dedicating their days to protecting your civil liberties and clean drinking water.

Someone is regaining their sanity. Someone is coming back from the dead. Someone is genuinely forgiving the seemingly unforgivable. Someone is curing the incurable.

You. Me. Some. One. Now.

Someone knows you’re not broken. Even if you feel like you are. They’re remembering who you are when you forget.

someone is waiting for you to embrace vulnerability, step out of your comfort zone and bust a move with that mad talent you’re harboring inside. What you’ve got, people need.

someone just put their arms around you, from the other side, and gave you the biggest longest most tender hug of encouragement, and your heart felt it, even though your body could not.

somewhere someone is driving alone along an empty road reveling, radio blasting, head tipped back woo-hooing out the open window, and laughing heartily by the beauty of all-that-is.

someone is sitting alone, believing their world is over, not knowing yet that, tomorrow, a miracle will happen and everything will change. For the better.

someone is dying surrounded by a circle of love, having said all that was needed to be said, at peace and ready to move on to the next great adventure.

Someone is wildly yearning for a friend just like you to come along. Yearning, yearning.

Someone knows that you are exactly the parent your child needs, that you are doing your best, and that is enough.

Someone is dancing, regardless. Someone is singing, regardless. Someone is waiting you to join them.

someone is looking out to blue sky above a peaceful field thanking whatever is holy that they are alive to witness the beauty. someone is learning to nurse a newborn. a child is collecting flowers only to give them away. someone’s smile just filled the last little hole a heart had left.

Someone is holding positive, manifesting thoughts for you, when you are unable to see the forest for the trees…unable to think positively yourself.

Someone is whispering prayers into the wind…

Someone is blessing their money as they spend it, knowing it will somehow make it’s way into your hands and deliver the blessing to you.

Someone is hugging a toilet happily sick because they are preparing to bring a new life into this world.

Someone hopes they know how much you mean to them, even if they don’t know how to tell you.

Someone is having the best day of their life, and in their joy they are sending out a wish into the universe that you, too, shall have the best day of your life.

Someone has just been singing a song and somewhere in the middle, they forgot to be embarrassed and self-conscious and ashamed, and they *allowed the song to take them*.

Someone is waiting for you to say yes.

amazing huh? yea I thought so too…..
xoxo
kerilyn

my girl Michelle writes a blog – and I caught up with her postings just now… made me want to write myself. (Way for Pay it forward honey)

I’m in this weird place where I am not contented where I am. Antsy. Stagnant. Things aren’t moving as fast as I want them to. I know I say that I know I will not be where I am today – say a year from now but in reality I have NO idea how long it’s going to take for me to achieve what I desire. I have been driving myself and Peter crazy talking about planning for the future and that means I have not been enjoying today. I’m struggling to accept where I am. And in not accepting where I am – I am sad and in being sad – I start to think sad thoughts – and when I think sad thoughts – sad and upsetting things happen because I believe with my being that all thoughts are things – so… with that being said – what is getting me from where I am now (sad) to living a little happier in my day to day is to just accept the what is – TODAY.

So I thought I need to write it down (and let it out) with the things that I need to accept. Writing 100% in the present moment – not focusing on the past or of the future. Hoping that writing it down here will somehow stand as a declaration of sorts… acknowledging full well that I am NOT FOOLING MYSELF.

I need to accept:

1. It’s okay that my job doesn’t satisfy me. It’s a nice office with a nice view and great location (and a nice station to work in) and a great salary and that’s OKAY!! It’s OK that it’s NEVER going to be like it was at my last job and I need to GIVE UP thinking it is or could be and ACCEPT IT for what it is.  IT’S OKAY!!! ACCEPT IT!
2. That I am not in the living situation I desire. That yea.. it’s not the 3 Bedroom House with the bedroom that I will convert into my studio/office and awesome kitchen that makes me want to cook in it or a garden but the place we live in now is MORE than affordable and has a huge bedroom where I can have a little space for myself. Has a backyard and a patio that I can sit and read outside. (and if you get over yourself buy some flowers you can have a little flower garden!)
3. That I am an emotional and introspective person. That it is OKAY that living on the surface and listening to others go ON and ON about themselves all day without one thought to stop and ask how YOU are doing – agitates you.  It is OKAY that those are not the kindsa people you need to be around. STOP THINKING THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. ACCEPT IT. You are someone who needs a deep connection with someone else.  Stop dwelling in the fact that just because others can talk about nothing – and you can’t – that there is something freakishly wrong with you. It is who you are – ACCEPT IT!!!
4. That my friendships have changed and I don’t have the large circle of friends I once had. KERILYN IT’S OKAY!! It’s OKAY. I know it doesn’t feel okay and you feel (yet again) like there is something wrong with you – there isn’t. Things change – people change – You (Kerilyn) have changed. And in changing yourself so is what you want in your friendships and that means (voila!) your friendships change!!! ACCEPT IT. Doesn’t mean you will be some sort of recluse in your house – watching the dust settle. Just means you need to go out there and find people who need the same things. (I predict you’ll find some of these people when you go to the Life Coaching Weekend in two weeks!)
5. That money comes and money goes. Stop holding on tight to every penny you save. It’s OKAY. I know you’re scared with all the job changes/unemployment.. I know. But it’s OKAY. You’ll have a nice savings by the end of the year – just RELAX and know the tighter you hold onto it – physically and mentally – (like the sad thoughts) the more things will happen so you’ll have to spend that precious savings (like your $700 car repair last week!) LET GO AND ACCEPT IT!
6. That your faith is teeter tottering. It’s OKAY! Alright – you’re not running down the path at full speed .. you’re strolling along in the dark.. but KERILYN!! You’re not giving up.. ACCEPT IT!! Its OKAY!! The sun will come up and You’ll find your stride again – you always do. Find an awesome book or movie – that will re-invigorate you again.. trust that. You are never alone – you know this. Just accept that this is where you are. It’s alright.
7. Ah a tough one – It’s OKAY that you are conflicted about your feelings about getting pregnant. It’s going to happen when it’s supposed to happen. STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT. The more you worry – (like sad thoughts… well you know) and we don’t want that. It’s OKAY that you are feeling all these things – jealous for those who are pregnant/already have children – anxious because you hope there’s nothing wrong with my biology – nostalgic cause you wish you had more time – antsy because you’re not in the job/in the house/have the savings that you wanted to be when you did get pregnant. JUST LET IT GO KERILYN. FOR GODS SAKE – LET IT GO.
8. Another tough one – that you have to start over with your exercise/eating regime. I know you are sad and very mad at yourself that you let yourself go – after all that job stuff.. it’s alright – you did what you had to do but STOP thinking that this is it. LET ME TELL YA GIRLFRIEND… IT ISN’T! You actually could pick up your gym clothes and bring them to work tomorrow and we can get back on track. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. And yea yea.. you can feel blue and depressed that you aren’t where you were and you have to start over.. meh…. at least you know you can do it.. you did it once (twice) you can do it again. NOW DO IT ALREADY.. WILL YA?

Okay there are a few more – and maybe i’ll add them tomorrow.  (or maybe I won’t) It’s late. Time for bed.
Thanks for listening. (or not)
xoxo
Kerilyn

My little kitty girl

Hey there~

Just wanted to drop a line – say Hi.

I know I’ve been MIA lately. If I may just spill a minute or two… there’s been a lot of unexpected and sudden events/changes happening around here lately – and adding to the other life altering changes that’s happened in the past 2 years – the type of and differing severity of them, in recent and distant past -  have kinda all accumulated into the past month or so.

I’ve realized this past week – I’m not the same person I was this time last year.

This girl – who really feels generally and soulfully happy when she’s got a routine and stability – hasn’t had much in the past 2 years.  (Not trying to spill a pity party – just fact) And I’ve hit my limit. I can’t avoid it or even know how to run from it. (Trust me I’ve tried) This transformation from who I was to who I am now – like having the wind knocked from me and I ‘come to’ on the ground like “what the heck just happened/is happening?”

that’s where I am…. and why you’re not hearing from me. I have so much to learn… SO SO much to learn. Actually – I’m mostly upset with myself that I haven’t applied all that I’ve learned.. yea.. that’s really what’s going on here.

meh… enough of that…

Please take a good look at the picture of my kitty girl Pez. Something medical been going on with her lately (with both of us actually); we haven’t figured it out yet… Our vet and Peter and I are working on finding a solution. (I’m working on trying to just let it go.. knowing my little girl is in good hands – seen and unseen, mostly unseen) Who knows… She’s 14. She’s lived her life being very loved. She is my heart.  If you’ve met her or been around her – Please send her your loving thoughts. I know she can feel them.

She says meow. (that means thanks) This is a picture I took of her Thursday morning when I was just getting up – she sleeps in the window sill next to my bed.. with the curtain drawn but open enough where she can see me when I wake up… Love my little Orange Tabbycat.

I say thanks too.

Hope your having a great holiday weekend!!!
xoxo
Kerilyn and Pez

Let me tell you something about me…
Okay you might already know this… If you know me just a bit you’ll know.
And if you really know me you’ll know just how much…
I LOVE reggae music.
LOVE.
Its MUCH MUCH more than the music to me.

It’s about faith… it’s about Peace. it’s about God..
It’s about looking inside…
It brings me to tears… listening to these wonderful beats..
Wonderful words for JAH…

JAH is the Rastafarian word for God … short for Jehovah .

I love all types of Reggae music… Roots, Dancehall , Dub… even Ska (Although I don’t listen to this type much)

I don’t know.. it MOVES ME.
The beats, the instruments… the soothing rocking rhythm.
Makes me visualize myself on a beach and that alone makes me feel peaceful.
It moves my soul.
I can’t help but move around, smile and instantly shift my frame of mind in that moment.

I give thanks most days for my beloved friend Wayne who introduced me to Reggae back in high school…(Big Wayne – I don’t even think you’ll ever understand how you changed my life – You will always be connected to my love for this blessed music) Also to my cousin Enrico who really exposed me to Jazz. He would take me to Jazz clubs in NYC when I was 14 yrs old… and I would watch him be moved by this music… Music (no matter what kind) is a direct connection to our soul. Watching him be deeply moved opened the door to me to what music does.. it moves us.

(okay true. lots of dance hall isn’t about God necessarily in it’s lyrics.. but its rhythm and balance creates the same inside – it inspires me, makes me happy and want to dance and in there is where God is. Most of the time I don’t even understand all the words…but truly -  it’s about something MORE)

Most people only know Bob Marley. Roots. He is the father of the worldwide awareness of what sparked Reggae music to the mainstream. We are graciously indebted to him for inspiring others to carry on his purpose.

Okay so long (long – I can go on all day about this) story short if you haven’t already figured out.. yea, I love Reggae music.

Okay I truly don’t think I knew what was going to happen to me when I went with my girl Kim to see my first SOJA (Soldiers of Jah Army) concert at the State Theater yesterday. I’ve heard their stuff – but not REALLY listened.. So when they took the stage after the first 2 opening acts. I was HOOKED. It moved me.. the beats.. the energy in the whole place picked up – you could feel it. Then the instruments.. the Sax.. the trumpet… the drums… the BASS…. (like liquid gold to my ears) and the two lead singers… voices like pizza deliverymen carrying  a peaceful message to my door.  (ha… my visual makes me laugh)

And you want to know the most interesting thing?

They’re from the Northern Virginia Area.
So yea… I left feeling like something changed… a reconnection.

So I figured I’d share them with you.
I dont want to wait by SOJA

And two more songsthat I just absolutely cannot get enough of… (just listen – nothing to watch)

Love Is by Jah Cure

Why be afraid by Tony Rebel

I hope, at the least – it makes you smile.. like it did the entire time they were on stage yesterday afternoon.
xoxo