As we come to another Thanksgiving… it makes me want to share what I am grateful for this 2011 Holiday Season. This year has been an interesting ride, and it’s not over yet. I want to THANK YOU for being a part of my life. I am so overly grateful for the awareness that I am still growing, still learning and that Thank Goodness – I am not done evolving!

5 people I am ESPECIALLY grateful for this Thanksgiving:

1. My husband. Hands down. We have been through SO MUCH since reconnecting in 2008. He is my partner. In the good times, and the not so good. I am absolutely 100% SO MUCH MYSELF with him. I am the best me with him, and I am the worst me with him (and yet he still loves me). I could not IMAGINE being where I am today without his love and support. I am hopeful that this next year, our family will grow, and we will continue to grow stronger as a couple.
2. My Auntie. She is the person I go to when I don’t think anyone else understands. Of shared faith and family, I feel so grateful she is just a phone call away.
3. Laura Hall - A fellow coach, she “saw” me during one of my 3 day coach training weekends, in a way that made me feel so vulnerable yet SO relieved, a fellow ‘Searcher’, she helps me become a better me. I think it still hasn’t hit me that I’m NOT letting go of this one… I honestly think she is going to seriously help change my life.
4. ChaChanna Simpson – Another coach & for a time, my accountability partner. I am SO grateful for the gentle push that I received from her to help me do all I needed to become certified. I wouldn’t have gotten it done as quickly if it weren’t for her.
5. Kyra Dosch-Klemer – Not in my WILDEST DREAMS could I have imagined my idea for a website, a support system for Significant Others in the Restaurant Industry to be as beautiful and as functional as Married to a Chef has become. She continues to add to it, to make it even better. I am SO grateful for the masterpiece she has created.

4 events this year, that I am grateful for this Thanksgiving:

1. As of July 8th, I am officially a CERTIFIED life coach! It was a lot of intensive work but TOTALLY worth it.  It comes pretty darn lose to the dream I had when I was 6 years old. Being able to help other people ‘feel heard’. It’s truly an amazing feeling.  *BONUS: Beginning my practice with paying clients!!!
2. Launching Married to a Chef, ON 5pm on Valentines Day, with a kick off article in The Washington Post.  Simply Amazing.
3. That we moved to a bigger, much brighter place this year,an awesome kitchen, our own office, full size laundry, and a spare bedroom so we can comfortably have more family/friends visit us.  I also discovered that while I am not one for the suburbs while living in DC (boring), I do like having the space to move around.
4. Being able to celebrate my husbands 40th birthday with his cousin (who also turned 40) , at their place in Pennsylvania. Great friends and family. It was a wonderful day.

3 things I am looking forward to:

1. I am SO excited!!! This year we will NOT be traveling this Christmas! Peters family is traveling to US this year! Oh my goodness… Christmas with BOTH our families together! It’s a dream come true!
2. The weekend of January 20-22, Peter and I are making our way to NYC for the weekend, to meet up with the NYC Significant Others for Married to a Chef, we’re going to dinner with Peters family Friday nite and I’m trying to coordinate brunch on Sunday with my family! We’re staying in this cool cool hotel in Midtown Manhattan. I LOVE the city and I am giddy like a school girl to be up there a few days!
3. I have NO idea how long it’s going to take, but I am looking forward to the day that I look down and see  a positive result on a pregnancy test. I feel SO ready to be a mom. My biological clock alarm is ringing very loudly in my ear, and I am SO excited for that day when I scream, call Peter and tell him ‘We did it!”

2 goals I intend to be grateful for achieving:

1. Reconnecting with my physical health again. Losing weight by eating more healthfully and finding a new way to exercise (thinking Zumba, belly dancing, Burlesque).
2. Have few goals for Married to a Chef/Coaching – running my first group coaching session, creating a 30 day program (30 Days of Dares/Note to Self project), begin to plan a Married to a Chef US Tour (I want to visit other areas of the country to coordinate other halves together) *hopefully at some point next year I’ll grow my clientele enough so I can change my 9-5 status, at least go part time, so I can work on my OWN dreams.

1 thing I have not been able to get off my mind:

1. Moving to Charleston,SC. I have NO idea EXACTLY when the stars are going to align and we’ll be ready to pack our bags but I am SO SO ready for a fresh start. A planned change. I want the slower pace, the weather, and the southern charm that I’ve missed so much.

Wherever you are, whomever your celebrating with, find one moment and SAVOR IT. Thanksgiving Day 2011 will soon be a distant memory, how do you want to remember it?

Much love,

Kerilyn

Happiness via Pinterest

I know it’s been a while, thought I’d stop in and say HI! Feeling pretty good since my HOPE revelation. (In case you were wondering!)

I just saw this list on a blogger that I read regularly (Isn’t her whole family ADORABLE?) and I thought I’d follow along:

10 things that make kerilyn extremely happy:

• Having my hope back. (AMEN TO THAT!)
• The name Emiliana Basil Russo (yep, if I’m blessed with a girl – WHEN I get pregnant, that’ll be her name.)
• Getting my car washed after a YEAR! Amazing how different I feel and I enjoy driving her more.
• Reading AMAZING testimonials that make me cry.
• The thought that MAYBE, we won’t have to travel this Christmas (fingers crossed) Daydreaming of how I’m going to decorate and what we’re going to cook!
• Watching the leaves changing. I am absolutely a warmer weather person but I am mesmerized by the beauty of the Fall.
• Having brunch at the Sea Pearl restaurant. LOVE the design and the food is delish too!
• Taking my acrylic nails off after SIX years! (Their still really weak and short, but I just LOVE seeing my OWN nails again!)
• Getting my second tattoo.
• Watching a movie with my husband, with my kitty girl on my lap.

Hope your having a beautiful October! Peter and I are leaving tomorrow for my friends wedding in Charleston, WV. Looking forward to the drive, enjoying the windy roads and the changing leaves!

Hope all is well in your world!
Much Love,
Kerilyn

spontaneity by thelGl

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written… have been meaning to get on it to fill you in on what’s shakin in Kerilynland. If my life were a recipe.. the main ingredients would be:

equal parts being busy (ACTION!) and feeling restless/anxious/unsure (FROZEN).

SO many things have changed… so many things are still in the process of changing that it’s like I can’t seem to focus on one thing at a time.  Admittedly, I’ve been a bit ADD and manic this past year.  Really high highs and really low lows. Moments of taking LOTS of action (GO! GO! GO!) combined with that ‘I just hit a wall’ unsettling feeling of not knowing how everything’s going to shake out leave me never feeling consistent. (and for this planner girl, consistancy is KEY)

I’ve noticed that when waves of feeling unsure come in, I don’t have lots of extra energy to do very much.  My mind is never focused and in turn, I feel drained of energy. That drain leaves me not wanting to be overly social or wanting to take on anything new. I find myself powering down my body in an effort to keep up with my very active mind. After a short respite (usually a day or so), I jump back on the movement train and keep taking steps that have me moving forward with my goals.

Have you ever found yourself feeling the same?

In hindsight, I’m glad all this movement is happening during the summer, before the cooling, more settling in energy that the fall always brings, comes upon me. I guess that’s why they call it the LAZY days of summer, right? *side note: I personally cannot say I’m TRULY enjoying my summer when I have yet to go to a pool this season. boo. Note to self: FIND POOL.

I’m coming to grips…. with the fact that in so many ways, my dreams are coming true.

(Wow.. It feels SO good to say that.)

I look back on the past few years, and realize that almost everything I’ve wished for, is in the process of coming to fruition. Lots of  “Pinch me I’m dreaming!” moments (and there have been MANY lately) when I realize how far I’ve come that triggers the thought that this is somehow, all too good to be true. That in turn activates a desire to freeze in place so nothing will throw me off my trajectory again. Hence… that unsure/anxious/restless state of being.

I pinch myself that it’s all happening… that the realization that my dreams are coming true has me wanting to slow down in order to take it all in. A ‘smell the roses’ kinda slow down, if you know what I mean.

For instance:

• I’m officially CERTIFIED as a Life Coach! Yep, as of July 5th! I am still having moments of wonderment when I remember how far I’ve come in a relatively short period of time. Remember how lost I was, back in 2009, after our wedding, when I lost the job I thought I’d have forever… that blessed AHA moment when I asked Peter what he thought I should do with my life. His answer turned on a light on a dream that I thought I had given up on. I look back on that moment and feel such gratitude. I had NO idea how I was going to reconnect with that little girl dream at the time, but as I kept moving forward, kept sending those wishes out there, those answers revealed themselves to me…one little bit at a time. I DID IT… and I am so damn proud of myself.

*If you haven’t read, I was blessed to be able to speak more on this topic on Tracey Clarks blog, ‘I am Enough Collaborative” (see here)

• On top of that - Getting my first paying client! (hello! pinch me!) Yay! I now have more than one client but it’s so exciting when you seal the deal with your first OFFICIAL client! Hopeful to have 3 more in the next two months! *Know anyone that wants help moving forward with their goals?
• Slowly but surely, building Married to a Chef to be what I know it can be. Making connections, LOTS and LOTS of writing (whoa nelly!) and brainstorming ideas. *creating my first E-Course in the coming months (called 30 Days of Dares) Basically HELLO! … I am in the process of becoming an Entrepreneur. Part TOTALLY exciting and also a HUGE feeling of me being ‘a fish out of water!’  Random: I wish I had a big chunk o’ money that I could invest in some more design/products. We are being read in over 20 countries, and I haven’t even begun yet! Can you say pinch me three times fast?
• I am SO SO happy in my marriage. Peter and I are finding those cycles when we’re closer and times when we’re more independent, like the tide. It’s been such a beautiful discovery. Although in general, we don’t have too many things in common, the one thing we do is this knowing,  this belief that we are meant to be together. We are constantly pinching ourselves with our sentiment that we are REALLY very happy and blessed to have each other. *We are attempting to plan our 2nd annual Annivizaversary vacation (2 years already!) We’re still quite conflicted what we want to do… (thinking relaxing at a beach, somewhere near a cute little town with cute artsy shops and yummy restaurants to try. Any suggestions?)
• We live in a house that’s more conducive for family visits and BBQs. (although confession: I’m kinda bored being in suburbia. I miss being in the energy of all the people – to me, it just confirms that I am a city girl at heart)
• Saving money AND also being able to do what we want to do. Peters WISE WISE comment/virtual bitch slap that we will always be paying for something, and to loosen up and enjoy TODAY. *Still doesn’t mean being frivolous…hee hee.
• UPDATE: I did NOT get this Life Changing Opportunity. Very sad. Almost negating everything I wrote here. Amazing. Be careful what you write down for it could be a slap in the face. Waiting to hear about a LIFE CHANGING opportunity in the next few days to a week. An answer to a prayer FOR SURE. Something that, WHEN it happens, is a HUGE GLARING SIGN that I am being heard, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. (THE END ALL, BE ALL OF PINCH ME!!) I know it’s not a lot of info but I promise to tell you more as I find out!
• Still daydreaming of a move down south. Perhaps in the next year (that is unless the opportunity above turns out to be everything I am hoping it will be, in that case, a definite move back TOWARD city life is for sure! )

Due to all these things amazing happening in my life.. a few things (my friendships and my weight/health) and the connections I have with them, have taken an almost backseat the past few years. I am working thru my feelings about why this seemed to occur. My friendships and my desire to exercise have almost been put on pause while I work on all these other goals of mine. I am hopeful that as these big ‘pinch me’ things become more comfortable, more familiar… I will naturally shift back towards the connections with my friends that have ALWAYS been so very important to me. My friends have always been my chosen family. And as of late, I can tell how much I am missing my family. I can also already feel a greater pull toward being wanting to be happier in my body, eating foods that nourish me and wanting to move my body to create greater self esteem and freedom.

Finally, a sweeping sense of calm has occured around the thoughts of having a family. I tuned into the voice inside that says “It WILL happen Kerilyn… you’re setting your life up NOW to prepare for your family to come.”  And I can see that.I feel at greater peace that when the time is right, it will happen. It’s ALL happening.. I can feel it.

Thanks for sticking with me… I am SO excited to keep revealing to you the ways in which my life has changed. I keep saying to those around me… It’s not that my job/my relationships/my circumstances have changed.. It’s ME that’s changed. I’ve changed.. and I’m doing my best to take it all in stride.

Much love,
Kerilyn

My girl ChaChanna posted this on her website today and I was both choked up and inspired at the same time!!! (Surprised? not me) I had to share it with you all. I needed this reminder today SO badly. My soul has been tugging on me to do something that makes a greater difference in my everyday life (i.e. my 9-5) and this is EXACTLY what I needed to keep my eye on the prize.

Thank you ChaChanna. You are such a blessing in my life.

from Jen at Bits of Truth

ouch, right?

I have lately been looking for messages that cut through my own crap. This one ABSOLUTELY spoke to me (thanks Jen!). It made me chuckle actually as I TOTALLY agree (even if I sometimes don’t want to admit it) As I come to the end of my blessed coaching program, I am looking to drop off as many suitcases of my own drama (to date) that I am able in order to find greater liberation, in order to prepare me the space for my future experiences.

I was thinking about it – If life were like a Chic-Fil-A drive thru … I feel where I am is pulled up to the menu… browsing at all the tasty options, salivating at what I know is around the bend. (DAYDREAMING/CREATING LISTS/CUTTING OUT THINGS YOU WANT FROM A CATALOG/WINDOW SHOPPING ONLINE) I am in the process of sharing my order with voice on the other end of the speaker box (SENDING IT INTO THE UNIVERSE) … and preparing to hand over my moolah (TAKING ACTION) in order to receive the yummy goodness.  (YAY!)

—>How am I going to receive my yummy goodness if I don’t TAKE ACTION?  (answer: I’m not)

How can you expect your life to look any different if you don’t TAKE INSPIRED ACTION! I mean, I’m just like the next person that I would be elated if I won the lottery but HOW am I going to even have a chance if I don’t DO anything about it? If I don’t play? I would love for a lump sum to drop in my lap as well… or someone from Positive Living Television calls me that they want me to complete some segments for the show.. or that someones going to take it on themselves to get Peter and I  pregnant…. yea, that would be nice.  HOW am I going to get any of this accomplished without taking some sort of inspired action. Yes, miracles DO happen – ABSOLUTELY. I’m talking about everyday life. The ins and outs of everyday life.

and for the record….NO, I didn’t say work.

I mean take ACTION! Doesn’t that sound kinda more positive? I think so….  It makes me think that I’m some movie director and the set is quiet and I yell out … ACTION! Feels like movement to me, baby!

In the past month or two, I have heard a handful of people talk about how their waiting for the thing that they want to happen in their lives. Their just going to wait until it happens. They say they just know it will, but they just have to wait long enough. I think that’s amazing. I guess I just wonder how much faster this thing could come to them if they would take inspired action. If that’s what they want.. by all means, I wish them luck. For ME, it just seems that I could really miss something AH-MAZING if I was contented to sit and wait. What opportunities to meet others, to adjust my vision… to feel grateful… would I miss if I was staring at one spot on the wall?

I AM the common denominator in the scenarios of my life that are still unresolved or have me feeling agitation. I am the ONLY one that can surface them and look at them as a way of approaching it differently. I am the only one who can take inspired action. NO ONE ELSE. JUST ME.

“But Kerilyn… you always talk about your faith… where is your faith in all this?”

GREAT QUESTION SELF! (no, I promise i’m not crazy.. High on life people.. High on life.)

(Going to wax some of my joyous roller coaster self on you now.. for those without current faith *KUDOS & MUCH RESPECT* – just sharing what regularly brings me joy.)

WELL… I believe that I am a partner with my faith. Two equal parts of one driving force.  There’s one part me, a “superhero” dropped from out of the sky – with powers of intuition and trust/surrender , clairaudience, CHOICE, forgiveness and the uncanny ability to NEVER give up, even when the chips are down. (okay maybe at first.. but I know I will always get back up) KNOWING that there’s always a chance I will encounter an opportunity that leaves me vulnerable (uh what up cryptonite?)  Then there is my faith, the other part – (God, The Universe, Reincarnation,Sacred Contracts, Akashic Records, Energy, Spirit, Karma, Radical Forgiveness, the Illusion of life, and Ultimate Passion and love)

In my understanding, I cannot separate these two parts. Even when it’s raining, I stub my toe and I’m boo hoo hooing all the way home. (which happens) We are ONE. I AM my faith. I am never without it.. even when I forget. It’s when I remember again that I have the power to unite with my other part… that I feel empowered. Scared sometimes, yes but still empowered.

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE… IS ME.

IF IT IS MEANT TO BE… IT IS UP TO ME.

HOT diggity… saying that, whether out loud or to myself makes me feel so damn good.

I guess what i’m saying is… whatever it is you want to accomplish in your life… more money, a glorious relationship… vacation homes in Aspen, a prized winning Irish Retriever (is there even such a thing?) , work to remember that  YOU (with your trusty partner by your side – whatever it is you believe in) are the one that will make it happen. YOU are the one who is in the physical… your faith works THROUGH you. When you take inspired action out of your desire to LIVE in greater joy… your life will be a series of joyous  opportunities to drop the drama off at the door. Amen to that my people.

*for those of you with HIGH levels of resistance to what I’m saying…I absolutely accept you might feel differently. Totally respect that – part of choice is to believe different things (Thank God!) – please share with me your blog  or leave a comment so we can continue the conversation! (I ask no preaching or threatening statements.. my place; my rules.)

from Jen at Bits of Truth

HIYA everyone!

Thought i’d drop a line to say hi!  It’s Monday and SO nice and warm out. I am LOVING it. No jackets, no scarves, no socks or chilly fingertips as you drive your car. LOVERLY!!! Wanted to share that it’s still SO VERY BUSY over here in Kerilynland… guests visiting us two weekends in a row, then traveling out West to my cousins wedding in Phoenix (wedding pics here) then up north to NJ for my last coaching module (UH-MAZING!), staying busy with Married to a Chef , working on wrapping up requirements for my coaching certification, and spending as much time as I am able with my kitty girl and my beloved husband. (oh and let’s not forget the 9-5 that currently provides the funds for me to do all of the above, visualizing that beginning to change by Labor Day) Whew! I’ve been so busy lately it’s almost as if my feet have not hit the ground in some time now. I don’t predict it to truly slow down until mid-May. My mothers having serious surgery this Friday and it’s Peters 40th Birthday on May 10th and my sisters 35th birthday on May 11th too!!! So many celebrations!!! 

Want to celebrate my own successes as well, as there have been many. I reach my arm out and visualize a Saturday where I do what I want to do, to celebrate.. which looks like:

1. going to get a facial
2. then a massage.
3. then a nice lunch (thinking curry chicken salad sandwich on pumpernickel bread with some yummy salad and an iced tea)
4. then once and for all.. get those tattoos i’ve wanted for OH so long.
5. then wrap it up with an ice cream cone.

Feel compelled to share with you my gratitude… without further adieu.. I give you my Monday Five Countdown (as discovered from my girl, Kyra)

five things i’m grateful for:

1. My kitty girl is doing much better! Makes me feel so good to come home and open the door and see her there. (BIG Sigh….)
2. The saying “The only one whose going to make my dreams come true… IS ME!” – it’s helped me stay positive lately.
3. Morning Coffee (always)
4. Being in my house on a Sunday afternoon with all the windows open (seeing my kitty girl there)
5. SO grateful to see my husband happy when he’s doing what he loves (riding his motorcycle)

four things i can’t stop thinking about:

1. surrendering to the unknown
2. the 5 things i listed above that I want to do one Saturday SOON…
3. WHEN am I going to create the time to read all the books I have and WANT to read???
4. the day I NO LONGER have to go to the 9-5.

three things i want to WILL accomplish this week:

1. Two Energy Leadership Index Debriefs with my peers- five are required for certification. I will be completed with my debriefs by April 22nd!
2. Two complimentary coaching sessions I have scheduled tonite (Monday) – ten are required for certification. (I currently have 3 completed)
3. Take a walk at LEAST once this week. (Wishing I could do it tonite… so nice out!)

two things i am working on being more positive about:

1. that money comes and goes. That holding onto EVERY PENNY isn’t using The Law of Attraction. GIVE AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE. (uh, can you say scary?)
2. just because my body is not where i want it to be currently (LIKE AT ALL!) - doesn’t mean that it’s going to be that way forever. START by visualizing my body the way I want it to be! Why don’t you start loving your body now DESPITE the shape it is… HUH KERILYN???

one random thing:

I don’t REGRET cutting all my hair off because it was more of an emotional liberation from my past.. but I am missing having long hair right now… and look forward to the day when I can put it up in a clippy again.

Okay.. that’s all I got. Hope you’re doing well in your world.
Much Love,
Kerilyn

my baby kitty

is with this little orange girl. This is my girl Pez, after I’ve had her a few weeks.  I had no idea.. when I took this picture,  the impact she would have in my life. She has been my constant friend, confident and fluffy place to lay my head when I need support.

Almost 15 years she and I have been a pair. Where I go, she goes.

West Virginia, Savannah and Virginia.. she has been my partner in crime wherever I lay my pillow.

From the beginning I had an idea this little girl was going to make my life more joyous. I remember the night I came up with her name… sitting in the kitchen of my house at WVU with my roommate, watching her run around as if she was on a sugar high… after eating a bunch of Pez candy.  Yep, that’s how she got her name! When I got her I didn’t realize she was a long haired kitty. You look at this picture and just think she’s fluffy. I really had no idea she would puff out like a cotton ball. Cute little hairs between her toes on her paws. Just adorable.

She has brought not just me but just about everyone who meets her joy. (okay at least a smile) Quiet and sassy my little girl is.  Oh and like most cats, she’s independent. She’ll come when SHE wants to.. not when you want her to. Little brat. Yes, I’ll admit it…she has me wrapped around her little paw. But what I do for her doesn’t come close to what she does for me. I mean, I know her. I know she’ll be there when I open the door when I get home, and when I get into bed.. within minutes she’s there (until Peter comes and then she’s mad at him every nite when he asks her to move over) I don’t know HOW she knows but she always comes and jumps onto the bed.. meowing just a few minutes before my alarm goes off. The price of KNOWING she’ll be there for me has meant more than anything I could ever buy her or do for her.

When I was in Savannah.. she and I would do the 8 hour drive together. In the car, her and I. She would sit in the back window.. basking in the sun. She never needed a carrier. We had a process. Back and forth to my parents house, she was my passenger.

She’s a part of my family. When “on vacation” at my parents house…she sits at the railing at the top of the stairs, paws right at the edge looking down. My dad and her will play around.. he’ll jump up and try to touch her paws. It’s what they do.

For every bout of unemployment.. she was there, silently showing her support by taking my mind off of the unknown. At times, Pez was the only thing in my life that I KNEW.

She’s been really easy to take care of… not finicky or anything. Like her ‘mom’ she likes her routine.

Two peas in a pod we are.

So as much and as great as my heart hurts saying this… together we beginning a new chapter. Her and I. A chapter where, at some time undisclosed in the future… we will soon be going our separate ways.

For the past 9 months or so… Pez has been having petit mal seizures. At first they were very VERY scary to me and to her as I know they disorient her. Neurotic kitty mama Keri and would video tape them to send to the vet.  They happen very intermittently.  Like your car, we never know when one is coming and how long it’s going to be. Once we figured out she was in no pain.. just being disoriented, I wasn’t as fearful when I saw one come on. (mind you in the past 9 months I might have witnessed a half a dozen.. we’re not talking every day or anything – that is that Peter or I have WITNESSED.. most likely she’s had them on her own as well). I would get on the floor and be near her, just so she knows I’m there until she ‘comes out of it. Since we’ve moved in December, I’ve only seen one seizure and it was small. I kinda thought maybe it was temporary.

Something told me when I went to bed Wednesday nite and she didn’t come to be with me that something wasn’t right. But I convinced myself that she must be sleeping somewhere else tonite. I mean, it does happen from time to time. I should have gone to find her. She woke me up at 1am Thursday morning with a cry that I cannot seem to get out of my head, this seizure was different. Usually she tenses up while it’s happening (picture yourself shrugging your shoulders for a minute.. uncomfortable, yes. painful, no.) This time she was a mush… I will spare you of the details but honestly, I thought it was a stroke. She was purring but this time her breath was labored.. so her purr was almost forced. I woke Peter and went back to her, thankfully it started to pass. Then comes the ‘out of it’ phase where she’s SLOW. One step at a time. Kinda like she’s really high. This usually takes 5 minutes but this time.. it wasn’t going away. She was walking but wasn’t able to eat the treats Peter put out for her.. almost like she couldn’t see them. I swear she couldn’t hear us either. Minutes went by and she it did seem like she was coming out of it.. but not like before. I knew it was different when Peter said ‘lets take her to the Dr’. So we did.

Long story short but going to the Emergency Vet was a waste. We sat in a room from 1:30ish to 4am and in that time span we saw someone for MAYBE 10 minutes. They just asked questions.. they didn’t DO anything for her. It was confusing because on one hand I am preparing to say goodbye to her but on the other I’m furious.. WHERE IS ANYONE???  So within that time span.. she let me hold her and pet her without any resistance… she would have her head resting on my hand. I thought I was saying goodbye. I told it was okay to go. I know we’re not our bodies.. and that we are eternal. I thanked her and told her I loved her, that I would see her someday soon.

Well thankfully, that wasn’t her time. The vet wanted to put her on an IV and put her under a “seizure watch” (to the tune of $1000 no less) but since we knew it was intermittent.. that would be $1000 down the TUBES. We decided to take her home and see… I mean a few hours later she was more alert and able to move around…we waited 15 minutes with no one around to check out, we called out “hello! we’re leaving!” nope. Finally, I left a message “TIRED OF WAITING.. BILL US.. KERILYN RUSSO” (they called my cell within 5 minutes and ASKED us to come back and pay our bill. Are you fucking kidding me? I have my girl in my arms.. sure let me come back and give you $100 bucks! FUCK YOU!)

I barely slept 2 hours but knew I couldn’t leave her. I went to my job and got my computer to work from home (I had a deadline) and called my vet. Dr Villar is the BEST. He actually works out of a van and comes to your house. The tech comes in with a carrier, puts pez in there and walks out to the van. When done, they do the same and bring her back in) He is down to earth and knowledgable. And more you get DEDICATED time with him. Just YOU and your vet. So when I called, his wonderful tech told me she had to shift some appointments.. but would call me back. Less than 2 hours later, they arrived. After looking her over (at this point she was just tired, and low energy) Dr. Villar sat on the couch with me and the tech for 30 minutes while we came up with a plan. We were now a team. And the goal is to do what’s best for Pez.

She’s given me 15 wonderful years, I’m not going to put her through anything invasive. I could get an MRI, but only if surgery was an option. Oh, the cause? As Dr Villar says.. something with the central nervous system (I think he is caring enough not to drop CANCER or BRAIN TUMOR on my lap) Since I’ve NEVER experienced this chapter of life before, I had questions. Lots. He was so patient and answered all of them (including to page HIM the next time this happens, even if in the middle of the night) He told me when I would ‘know’ it was time. He said “you know her best. NOONE knows her better than you. When you notice that who Pez is.. isn’t there. That’s when you know.” Of course It wasn’t easy to hear but I am so glad to hear this information.  As Dr. Villar says “We don’t want to do anything TO Pez, we want to do everything FOR her.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

So here we are. Today is better. I see a little more of who Pez is today. Does NOT change the thought that a part of her is gone. She is different now. This seizure changed her. Maybe it’s already on the other side, I don’t know.  I have NO idea what timeframe I’m working with or anything of KNOWN value. All I know is here we are..

She’s been with me all of my adult life to date. It’s no small statement that she is a part of me. With her leaving.. means a part of me is leaving.  Yes. I know she’s not really going anywhere but her physical self is leaving.  Even thinking the thoughts, and doing the imaginary planning, means I’m having to accept it. And damn it if this hasn’t been one of the hardest things I’ve experienced thus far in my life.

All day yesterday and today.. a memory will come up or the thought “What am I going to do without her?” and I’m at it again.. crying uncontrollably. I can’t seem to stop crying. This sadness, this awareness literally takes my breath away. I allow myself to cry.. I give myself permission. I WILL be okay. When the time comes and this chapter ends, It will open me up to a new chapter. Who knows what that new chapter will bring.

For now.. I am taking each moment to, as Peter says,  “just enjoy her”. She’s allowing me to hold her near.. even if I’m crying.. without trying to get away.  Doing all I can to ‘enjoy her’ today.

I have no idea what will happen or when the time will come. I do know that I am forever changed because of her. She has been one of the TOP 3 things that has ever happened to me in my life and for that, I am grateful.

I love you my little Pez girl for you are my heart.

My fluffy girl

from Jen at Bits of Truth

amazing.

Earlier today (I’d say from the minute I awoke to about 3:45pm) I was in a funk. Ever feel in a funk? Like something is bothering you.. but you just don’t know what it is? yea, that’s where I was earlier today and actually for a few days now.

It’s amazing how something as small as getting a package in the mail (I ordered a pin from ETSY and it was sitting there on my chair when I returned from an errand at work, waiting for me to open it) can totally change your day around. I feel much much better right now.  Thank goodness.

It’s amazing how thinking of and planning for your LEAP into your own business,  leaving the comfort of the 9-5 brings up the BIG fears. Like I’ve written earlier of the Married to a Chef launch, these fears can stop you in your tracks. frozen.

whew mama.

But while I have broken free from the funk… I will attempt to continue on the pathway to freedom and faith with a little ditty we like to call 3 things 2 things:

3 things that make me happy:

1. I have partnered with the most amazing accountability partner, who has already helped me be more accountable with my weekly business goals. Everyone, meet ChaChanna . She is the creator of Twentity, an educational system of support for those between the ages of 20-30. The preverbial “What to expect when you’re expecting” but of the graduating from college/entering the “real world” experience. We have been in constant communication with each other.. helping each other and gently pushing each other when we get stuck (or when I get stuck, this woman is a MACHINE!) Having her as my partner has already helped me not stay frozen for long.
2. Started exercising again people! Yep. It’s still a tad chilly for me to run outside.. but I’ve been walking a mile around my neighborhood this week. I predict another week or so and I’ll be pounding the pavement again. I feel the enthusiasm again to exercise and watch what I am eating. Makes me happy.
3. SO FAR, I have receive nothing but support from significant others of celebrated chefs and restaurants to be featured on the site. I am surprised when I get an email back from someone I’ve asked to be featured and their response is “oh my gosh this is fabulous!”  Still blows my mind.

2 things that i look forward to today:

1. i would be lying if I told you I had a lot to look forward to earlier today. To the contrary, I had nothing in my peripheral to look forward to.. UNTIL that package arrived on my chair. Now.. I can say I was happy about my walk after work.
2. And this awesome audiobook on The Law of Attraction that totally had me sucked in. *I even sat on my couch for 30 minutes as the sun was setting out the window and finished the chapter.

2 long term things I am looking forward to:

1. HOO WEE! My absolutely favorite couple (and their adorable son!) are coming to visit this weekend! Liz and Matthew (and their cutie face Elliott) are coming up from Atlanta this weekend to visit! I am so so so excited to be around baby energy and to catch up with these two special people of mine!
2. I am also excited about my trip out to Phoenix with my sister next weekend. We’re going to my cousins wedding. Excited about just getting out of the everyday for a while, and relax with my sister. Also of catching up with my family I don’t get to see often (or much at all) *Okay I’m quite nervous about the flight but I’m sure I’ll be just fine.
3. **BONUS – I’m so excited about going up to New Jersey the weekend after Phoenix for the 4th and final 3 day coaching weekend. I’m going to meet ChaChanna in person (she’s not local to me) and my other beautiful coaching peeps that HONESTLY have made the last 9 months of my life SO much more rewarding and enriched. I have evolved within this span of time and I attribute so much of that growth to feeling supported by these beautiful people.

1 person I am going to appreciate:

My sparkly friend Roxanne. She has agreed to help me out in April with an emotional purging assignment from my coach that actually has been in my mind to do for quite a few years. This assignment is very emotional and very delicate so when my coach asked who I thought of  to join me.. She was the first person I thought of! I feel extremely safe when I’m with her and her gentle and soothing energy is just what I need to get this breakthrough to occur.  She has received this role with great understanding and care, and I am SURE that we will both come out stronger and I’m SURE closer because of it. I truly feel like I don’t think I could do this without her. I love you Roxy.