Hey all – My wonderful friend Fran sent this to me and I thought I would share it with you and well.. whomever else stumbles upon this. It SO relates to what Coaching calls our “gremlin” – the deep core belief, inside ALL of us, that we are not worthy. It LIVES to tell us and show us in a myriad of different ways that we are not good enough… I like this prayer as a way of asking for assistance in bringing awareness to this gremlin.

sometime last week it hit me.

I AM HAPPY.

Yep. Me.
It came when my wonderful peer coach sent me this questionnaire. In it were the questions:

On a scale of 1 – 10 (10 high), how fulfilled are you with the choices you’ve made in the last 6 months?

On a scale of 1-10 (10 high), how much stress is in your life right now?  Explain.

Fulfilled is a great word. I think I am really starting to grasp what being fulfilled feels like.  These questions really made me slow the spinning in my head and take stock in the past eight months… Eight months of working again, eight months of experiencing the freedom in saving money, months of recognizing the ebb and flow of Peter and I and loving it when it comes back around to feeling close to him. Reveling in the serendipity that occurred that allowed me to enroll in this Life Coaching Program , seemingly at the perfect moment. The building momentum of my business idea and taking steps to making it a reality. (Ordered Business Cards today! – thank you again Lady Miss K  and Terry for making this possible!) Facing the life lesson to let go of expectations. Of others.. of myself. “It doesn’t have to be what you think it does Kerilyn. Let Go.”  repeats in my head almost hourly and in that repetition.. I find fulfillment.

Finally beginning to accept the purpose my 9-5  job serves. Starting to allow myself to float instead of constantly treading.  Floating allows me to release the hold of a whole compartment of worries and fears about being good enough or proving my worth in my brain and I find I now have a LOT more energy to focus on feeling present where I AM. Fulfilled in the now knowing it won’t always be this way.. so I should appreciate it for what it is.

The unexpected discovery and understanding (also called A HA! moments) of a couple of unresolved quandaries that have plagued my mind (and sense of purpose) for a very long time has brought me so much peace this past eight months. Feeling of fulfillment that I now understand something I so desperately was seeking an answer to for so long.

I thought the concept of “Settling” was like a Cross to a Vampire.  Something that terrified me.
From my experiences -  it meant I was destined to live an ordinary and uninspired life.
The gradual (meaning slow) revelation that ‘Settling” was anything but accepting ordinary has been one of the best gifts I’ve ever given myself.
It has been an understanding that I liken to playing chess. I don’t actually know how to play but I understand the concept. The act of understanding and setting up the players and life experiences around me, knowing they will pick up and change, making them familiar to me according to each step I take. Accepting their position in my life. Accepting their impermanence, that it will inevitably change. When finally understanding that settling doesn’t take my power to make inspired and unordinary decisions from me… I then allow myself to settle into my surroundings. Float. Be fulfilled.

I will admit I most likely will continue to do battle with the older perception of what “settling” is. What most of us think it is. But now, instead of continually being afraid of it, not wanting to look at it … I now know what to compare it to. And in that place I find my power.

That’s where I am. I can honestly say that I am at a place in my life where I never dreamed I’d be. Thinking of this place seemed so far from where I thought I’d ever achieve. A place where it is OKAY to NOT KNOW what is going to happen.  To let go.. and float.

and in that place… to be fulfilled.

xoxo
Kerilyn

Saturday Night Live has a GREAT skit called Really??I love it. It makes light (and makes fun) of our stuff. I tend so say that a lot when I am upset with something…  Like when someone cuts me off when I’m going to work.. REALLY? Or.. if something is overpriced? Really? 57.00 for a cotton T-Shirt? Really? Well hopefully you get my point…

I had a mind blowing A-HA moment at my first 3 Day Life Coaching Weekend.  Exposed a wall that I didn’t even know was there. I was planning on sharing it.. as it’s totally shifted my perceptions of what I believed my friends and family see when they look at me and more importantly… How I have adapted myself based on what they saw… whether I understood and agreed with it or not. After this wall was exposed.. I have been constantly thinking about it, asking friends questions and asking God/Universe/myself for guidance on how I will decide to live my life now that I see it.

And because I believe in ‘As you think so shall you be’ it came to NO surprise (alright I was sucker punched at first but then realized I have been asking for this)  that this past week when someone in my life shared their feelings; sharing the EXACT perception that I have protected myself against most of my life… exposing the wall that was brought to my attention a short while ago.  I absolutely respect their feelings as their OWN.. and choose to agree to disagree with their thoughts.

One of the things they mentioned was my over sharing in this blog. As this is NOT the first time someone has brought this subject to me..to the contrary it’s been mentioned quite a few times.  It bumped up against the wall in which I have recently become aware of… and now that I see it, paired with my continuing quest to NOT accept less than I deserve, I figured I’d address the subject of my blog again.

So… here we are and here is my response.

REALLY?

Really? Do you even know how many individual websites/blogs/vlogs/podcasts are launched everyday so individuals can share their own feelings and beliefs?  Based on this singular resource (of which I’m sure there are many more) there are approximately 175,000 Blogs created each day.  That’s 175,000 people who WANT TO SHARE THEIR EXPERIENCES, RESEARCH, FEELINGS AND BELIEFS!! Really?

and Really? Isn’t it true that we live in America? Where there is freedom of speech? This is a yes or no question. Really?

And Really… Really there are newspapers and tabloids of SO MANY different topics where people come together to share and hard copy their own beliefs. Where people are then able CHOOSE to read and agree or disagree with their philosophies.  Really? Really? Have you gone to your local supermarket today? really.

Oh and Really? Really do you pay for accessing most individual websites/blogs/resources of information or are these out there for ALL OF US to make CHOICES whether we view and use them nor not? Really?

Really… isn’t there anything in your life that you stand for, live by and wish people understood that you feel they currently don’t?  Is there a time when you wish you had a voice, helping others understand who you really are – If they really knew you? (Side note: MTV created a show called IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME – because most of us keep their feelings to THEMSELVES!!)

And Really? I don’t even know what the statistics are on

1. the amount of people on anti-depressants
2. people who have thought of suicide
3. who feel misunderstood and alone

but if I had to guess I would say it’s ALOT! And perhaps the reasons why said people are the way they are is:

1. they feel others do not care how they really feel or
2. they never were told it’s okay to be who you ARE!!! REALLY??????

So I say Really? If you are someone who really doesn’t like what you read here.. DON’T READ IT!! Be my guest and unsubscribe or do not click on the link to this site!!! This is my own site.. MY OWN WEBSITE.. my own little place where I can share (or over share if I wish) my feelings. ~~~ IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS.. LEAVE.~~~ You are NOT being forced to read this but IF YOU DO… Please do not tell me how this is all about me (uh Really? REALLY?) accept this is my own space and I am allowed to share as much or as little as I want.  In NO way do I think I have it all figured out.. to the contrary – that’s why I write to express that I AM STILL LEARNING (Really? Do you even know what my website name means???)  and I want my blog to be a place where I am able to share what I learn!!

Are we clear? I am DONE trying to avoid bumping into someone ELSES stuff just because I know that we all have our ’stuff’. I’ll deal with my stuff MY WAY…. you deal with yours your OWN way.

How bout that for over sharing?

I know… I’ve been MIA lately. I assure you I’m here.

It’s weird… I’m sorta in this weird procrastinating phase… It’s not like I don’t think of doing things – to the contrary I have been spending lots of time visualizing and really FEELING the outcome of what I wish to happen… it seems recently I find I don’t have the physical energy to actually do much… it’s strange. My mind has been very active.. staying focused on creating, planning and maintaining my inner vision of what I would like to manifest… and somehow I end up feeling physically tired.  Honestly I can’t describe it exactly which is why it’s strange. Not bad strange just strange.  (If anyone has, in the process of creating great change has experienced something similar.. please do share)

But I know…I have so much to fill you in on…I’ve learned a lot in the past month or so… about myself.. my relationship with Peter…just been sorta taking it all in – being the observer of what is possible…swimming in conversation with Peter about moving…making my Married to a Chef idea a reality…visualizing leaving the 9-5 world indefinitely… starting a family… brainstorming a plan to make it happen… creating my vision for what I want my life to look like and attempting to keep the doubts away and be in a place of peacefulness. Absolutely want to fill you in on my first 3 Day Life Coaching Weekend (Module I). It was a life changing weekend and I left feeling resolved that I made the right decision!! Getting ready this week for my assignments and weekly tele-classes to begin. SO excited and yet so almost nervous. Will this come natural to me or will I have to really work at it? How much of this program will take up my after work/social life? How will this affect my already limited time I get to spend with Peter?  To be honest I think I have a bout of Fear of Success going on. Fear of Success you say? Yes. It seems with every step I make TOWARD what can possibly become my purpose… leaving the 9-5 world for GOOD and really start to mold my vision…I bump into the voice that does their best to tell me I’m not worth it. In my coaching program they have termed this voice a ‘Gremlin’. It’s in every person. The inner critic that tells you in one way or another that you are not worth it.  It comes out differently for every person. To some… it provokes  fight or flight. to others.. addiction. To even others.. it’s withdrawal. If you were to sit with someone.. sit long enough.. listen hard enough.. you’ll hear it. “I do this because I REALLY don’t feel worth it. It’s easier for me to treat someone else/myself badly than to really look at and accept my own lack of self worth… I accept less than what I really want because I don’t feel worth it to actually ask for and get what I really feel I DO deserve, and so it goes….

I will admit that learning to become a successful coach is going to take a bit of practice. You see. it’s NOT about telling someone what to do. Nope. To the contrary it’s learning how to ask the right questions so that YOU can figure it out YOURSELF. No “I think you should….” or ” I don’t think you’re…” None of that. I mentioned to my trainer (who was amazing) that weekend that it’s going to take me a little time to get used to NOT injecting my own thoughts. He said (I’m paraphrasing)  “It’s like offering someone macaroni and cheese and chocolate cake. It tastes (feels) good and might satisfy for the time being.. but it’s not good for them in the long haul. Coaching is getting someone to see the benefit of eating grilled chicken and vegetables.. and helping THEM choose to eat it to get the long term benefit.”

So yea…. I’m still here but just marinating in all this learning.. all this future envisioning… all this learning to ACCEPT the “What is” of where I am at my life.

Feeling restless in my job – as I am preparing for this shift. It’s been quite a revelation – that design has been “just a job” all along like I finally came to grips with back November after announcing my intention to become a Life Coach. I’m kinda an all or nothing kinda person (in good and bad) and so this weird limbo phase makes me uncomfortable. I know I need to dive into this feeling. Learning to be present in the moment… but I’m not one to ‘fake the funk’ and I’m having a challenging time being invested in my 9-5. I need to seek help with this because I know myself.. You can FEEL how I’m feeling very easily when you’re around me… so I know I need to get a handle of this state before my employers start to feel my uneasyness.  It serves a very important purpose. And for that I need to show my gratitude more. (Awesome when you figure out what you have to do as you’re writing it out!)

Finally – Peter are I have rounded third base and are about to slide into home of our First Anniversary. Amazing how fast one year goes, huh? How much has happened.. but how much still remains the same. Peter and I have decided to road trip to Montreal for the week. I’m excited. It’s one of the places I’ve always wanted to go. (Along with Portland, San Antonio and Prague to name a few) Our year has been like the tide – moments of bringing us close.. feeling “so in love” with each other.. then as the tide wanes.. we drift apart and its in those moments when we do a lot of growing. It’s been amazing.  In good moments (great moments) and not so great moments… I KNOW I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am so glad we have already withstood many storms… and EVERY time.. it always brings us closer together. We are so different.. but it’s because of that difference.. that we can reach out more toward who WE are.. knowing the other person is there to keep us balanced and grounded. Peter is an amazing man. I feel his love Every Single Day. (Even when I believe I don’t deserve it)  It’s been truly amazing.

I will leave you all with the quote that we used on our wedding program. I feel this really sums the journey that Peter and I have taken.. and where we continually find ourselves when we really stop to look into each others hearts.

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

– Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

much love to you all,

Kerilyn

thank you to the wormhole of amazing blogs I dive into…. one leads me to another and another.. sometimes for hours.. swimming in the cool refreshing pool of inspiring artists and fellow “searchers“  – I find solace. Lately my focus has been finding others – who speak to my condition. I have found others and Today, thanks to Danielle, I found the following which I wanted to share…. a reminder that we are not alone – that there are ALWAYS someone thinking  about, or praying for us.(I loved some of the comments left in her posting – so I also added them…..

the manifesto of encouragement

right now:

There are Tibetan Buddhist monks in a temple in the Himalayas endlessly reciting mantras for the cessation of your suffering and for the flourishing of your happiness.

Someone you haven’t met yet is already dreaming of adoring you.

Someone is writing a book that you will read in the next two years that will change how you look at life.

Nuns in the Alps are in endless vigil, praying for the Holy Spirit to alight the hearts of all of God’s children.

A farmer is looking at his organic crops and whispering, “nourish them.”

Someone wants to kiss you, to hold you, to make tea for you. Someone is willing to lend you money, wants to know what your favourite food is, and treat you to a movie. Someone in your orbit has something immensely valuable to give you — for free.

Something is being invented this year that will change how your generation lives, communicates, heals and passes on.

The next great song is being rehearsed.

Thousands of people are in yoga classes right now intentionally sending light out from their heart chakras and wrapping it around the earth.

Millions of children are assuming that everything is amazing and will always be that way.

Someone is in profound pain, and a few months from now, they’ll be thriving like never before. They just can’t see it from where they’re at.

Someone who is craving to be partnered, to be acknowledged, to ARRIVE, will get precisely what they want — and even more. And because that gift will be so fantastical in it’s reach and sweetness, it will quite magically alter their memory of angsty longing and render it all “So worth the wait.”

Someone has recently cracked open their joyous, genuine nature because they did the hard work of hauling years of oppression off of their psyche — this luminous juju is floating in the ether, and is accessible to you.

Someone just this second wished for world peace, in earnest.

Someone is fighting the fight so that you don’t have to.

Some civil servant is making sure that you get your mail, and your garbage is picked up, that the trains are running on time, and that you are generally safe. Someone is dedicating their days to protecting your civil liberties and clean drinking water.

Someone is regaining their sanity. Someone is coming back from the dead. Someone is genuinely forgiving the seemingly unforgivable. Someone is curing the incurable.

You. Me. Some. One. Now.

Someone knows you’re not broken. Even if you feel like you are. They’re remembering who you are when you forget.

someone is waiting for you to embrace vulnerability, step out of your comfort zone and bust a move with that mad talent you’re harboring inside. What you’ve got, people need.

someone just put their arms around you, from the other side, and gave you the biggest longest most tender hug of encouragement, and your heart felt it, even though your body could not.

somewhere someone is driving alone along an empty road reveling, radio blasting, head tipped back woo-hooing out the open window, and laughing heartily by the beauty of all-that-is.

someone is sitting alone, believing their world is over, not knowing yet that, tomorrow, a miracle will happen and everything will change. For the better.

someone is dying surrounded by a circle of love, having said all that was needed to be said, at peace and ready to move on to the next great adventure.

Someone is wildly yearning for a friend just like you to come along. Yearning, yearning.

Someone knows that you are exactly the parent your child needs, that you are doing your best, and that is enough.

Someone is dancing, regardless. Someone is singing, regardless. Someone is waiting you to join them.

someone is looking out to blue sky above a peaceful field thanking whatever is holy that they are alive to witness the beauty. someone is learning to nurse a newborn. a child is collecting flowers only to give them away. someone’s smile just filled the last little hole a heart had left.

Someone is holding positive, manifesting thoughts for you, when you are unable to see the forest for the trees…unable to think positively yourself.

Someone is whispering prayers into the wind…

Someone is blessing their money as they spend it, knowing it will somehow make it’s way into your hands and deliver the blessing to you.

Someone is hugging a toilet happily sick because they are preparing to bring a new life into this world.

Someone hopes they know how much you mean to them, even if they don’t know how to tell you.

Someone is having the best day of their life, and in their joy they are sending out a wish into the universe that you, too, shall have the best day of your life.

Someone has just been singing a song and somewhere in the middle, they forgot to be embarrassed and self-conscious and ashamed, and they *allowed the song to take them*.

Someone is waiting for you to say yes.

amazing huh? yea I thought so too…..
xoxo
kerilyn