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I must be a mermaid

photo credit: Pinterest

Happy Monday to you all,

Hope you all had a restful weekend. I LOVE this quote above, and wanted to share… I think it says SO much for how I’m feeling these days.

Without diving into my regular chatty Cathy-ness, I want to give these posts a direction, instead of being all over the place like I usually am. So without further adieu…

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5 things I am grateful for:

  1. My husband. Last nite, we had friends over for dinner and he helped me make such a delicious meal AND cleaned everything up afterward. I CANNOT tell you how pampered I felt when I was able to continue my conversation with my friends, and when I went into the kitchen, it was all cleaned and put away! I felt SO taken care of in that moment.
  2. That as of today, I am still pregnant. I am not taking one day for granted. Feeling the boy moving around is still such a trippy feeling and yet feeling him moving, makes me grateful that I have a reminder that as of this very moment, I am someones mama.
  3. My friend Jill asked me to participate with a few of her beloveds, around a topic about self compassion. My episode went live on Saturday, and without a doubt, it’s the clearest writing I’ve done on what I believe in, that I’ve re-read it a few times and feel really good about where I am in my spiritual journey. Plus, she said such nice things about me, I was beaming with love for my friend who truly does “see” me. – See my post here.  *Thank you Jill, for including me in this beautiful conversation.
  4. I am SO grateful to have a vehicle that I LOVE driving. I was a little worried I was going to have to move from my beloved Volkswagon when I had to sell my little red VW V6 Jetta, last November, for something more affordable and practical. I am SO happy that we found the VW Tiguan at Carmax, that was everything I asked for! (manual, a little bigger (read: family friendly), less than 30k miles, and completely within our budget!) I want to say I think she is my dream car. I still get excited to drive her everyday. 🙂
  5. Knowing there are kindreds out there, that I can lean on anytime, that truly get me. Get my swimming in the deep end way of thinking. Who help to challenge me to go deeper, face the darkness of my fears, remind me that I’m not alone and to keep going without telling me what THEY would do or making me question myself for sharing my vulnerabilities. Those who empower me, instead of make me feel shameful or doubt myself. For those who don’t live out of fear, but move through it into possibility. And for my friends and family who are more comfortable swimming closer to the surface, even in my discomfort, as they remind me to take a break from the depths, to come up for air and just lay on a lounge chair and read a Real Simple magazine, with a cold beverage in hand, that I don’t have to think ALL the time. To get over myself. To remind me that my deep swimming is a choice. I need both types of people in my life.

4 things I can’t stop thinking about:

  1. What our sons name will be. Peter and I are still not in alignment with what this little boys name will be. I have my ideas, and he has his ideas. We can’t seem to solidify what we will be calling our little one, all the days of his life, this time around. I know we’ll get there, but I am anxious to find THEE name that feels right to both of us.
  2. Honestly… what the pain of labor will feel like. Will I be able to handle it? Will I need intervention? How long will it last? How can I be at peace, in the midst of this experience? How can I trancend my pain? How can I be at peace, no matter what the outcome is?
  3. What my life is going to look like once he comes…. in ALL aspects of my life and how I can be at peace with whatever it looks like. I really want to be a teacher to my son that it is OKAY if/when life doesn’t go as we planned. I’ve struggled with this so much in my life, and I feel so grateful for this opportunity to learn a new way of being, and then to be an example of what I am learning. (This is sort of a theme in my life right now, a yearning to surrender to the outcome)
  4. Daydreaming of a vacation. Peter and I haven’t been on a vacation since our 2nd annivizaversary (we’re going on our 4th this September 26th!) and I’m daydreaming of laying on a beach, under an umbrella, listening to the waves, and taking a dip in a pool, with my husband. *and a nice steak dinner.

3 things I want to accomplish this week:

  1. Find and register for a hypnobirthing class. It’s something that I think will really assist me in my quest to be at peace, no matter what’s happening around me (or within me) and I am excited to learn the tools to hopefully bring about a more peaceful birthing experience.
  2. Get my car inspected. *Trivial, I know, but necessary.
  3. Finish reading Outliers – Really good book with case studies about the different circumstances that lead up to one person or a group of people finding success. Highly recommended.

2 things I am working on being more positive about:

  1. Being okay with who I am, and not to change or shrink or become smaller when I am uncomfortable or when I’m with someone who thinks differently or wants something different than me. To be okay with what I want or what I can or cannot do, even if it’s not what everyone else is doing or can do.
  2. Releasing some old unhealthy parental patterns around money and receiving gifts. Especially now with this little one coming. I feel very uncomfortable with people spending too much money on me/us/we. It comes from feeling like gifts can somehow compensate for love and quality time, which doesn’t make me feel like I’m giving or receiving something authentic or how I somehow “owe” them something equivalent in return. I would much rather prefer to spend quality time with someone, sharing a meal, writing a note, sharing how I feel about someone than to buy someone something that they can forget I bought with them in mind and vice versa. It’s my issue, I know, and one I’m working on being more open to receive. (This is a tough one, I’ll tell ya.)

1 random thing:

This might be random but it’s VERY important to me. I don’t want to lose sight of my dreams, just because this little one is coming. I have seen (and heard, for mind numbing HOURS on end) women who have basically lost themselves in their children. Who are unable to talk about anything else. That SCARES the shit out of me. I am a dreamer, I have this HUGE mission to make Married to a Chef and my coaching practice profitable so my family and we can relocate somewhere desirable and I won’t have to rely on a 9-5 again. To continue practicing ‘A Course in Miracles’ and going to my weekly study group, to continue to spend time with my cherished friendships, to have a getaway weekend with my husband, to sit and read a book, to follow through on other dreams of mine (perhaps becoming a sign language interpreter?). To me, starting a family is just a PIECE of the pie, it’s not the whole pie. and I EMPLORE you to remind me of this when the boy comes. I know there are so many things I do not know at this point, I KNOW that things will change, I know there will be a period of adjustment, a “Timeout” of sorts until I find my way to a regularly scheduled program in my life, but that said… it’s SO important to me that I find my way back onto the path of working on my dreams, and not to put them aside, just because I have another person to take care of. THANKFULLY, as much evidence I have of women who have lost themselves in their children, I have also seen gleaming examples of women who are doing it… raising a family AND working on their dreams. One particular kindred I know I will be reaching out to, to help me, if I lose my way. I give you all permission to remind me if you see me forgetting my intended way. 🙂

That’s all for me right now, until next time!
In gratitude,

Kerilyn

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