Wrong side of the bed.

on particularly rough days

photo credit: Jen at Bits o’ truth

I don’t know what happened, I woke up this morning feeling SO OVERLY FRUSTRATED with everything. Whew. Yesterday, I was planning on writing a post titled, “Pinch me, I’m dreaming”, about how life is unfolding in a somewhat yummy, dreamy way but today… I have NO idea where those good feelings went. I am feeling SO different than yesterday. I message my sister and she tells me that the fact that I’m one week from my third trimester is a clear reason why I’m feeling so emotionally grumpy today. It sort of feels like a bad PMS trip, pissy and ‘locked and loaded’ to attack anyone or anything that comes into my path. So strange.

Before I attempt to turn it around, let me get off my chest what I’m frustrated about. (Just sharing, I’m sure this feeling will pass just as quickly as it came on)

 – Frustrated that I’m feeling like my house is never in order, that it always needs to be cleaned or tidyed up or organized better. I DO know this is just life, but it’s frustrating the crap out of me today.
– Feeling frustrated that the guest room/nursery is not in place yet. How I wish I could look into that room now and envision ‘the boy’ sleeping in there. Not just yet.
– Frustrated with the 9-5, futile endless training that is inevitably going to lead to a dead end when the little one comes. NOT how I saw myself spending the last 3 months in this industry. (Company changed manufacturers, from Herman Miller to Steelcase two months ago, so I’m learning a new product and new way of designing just to leave when the boy comes)
– Frustrated that our savings account is not as large as I would like it to be. Never feeling like I can keep the money IN there, instead there is always a reason to take it out. *Again, I know this is life, just frustrates me today.
– Frustrated that I haven’t had a vacation in over two years and most likely will not before the little one comes. I can’t tell you how I want to cry knowing I haven’t had a ‘time out’ from my everyday life (where I didn’t have an agenda) I am ACHING to have nothing to do, on a beach somewhere, listening to the waves, writing in my journal. This yearning is so strong, it’s palpable.
– Frustrated that I COULD’VE been closer to a beach if we had gone with our plan to move to Charleston,SC (I got a design job down there back in May and then WE decided to go with Plan B (quit 9-5, take a year off, build business) I DO see the value in going with Plan B, I think I’m just frustrated I am still here in DC, where I am SO ready to be down south.
– Frustrated that I don’t feel that Peter is grasping how his life is going to change once this little one comes, and how our independent ways are going to take a pause for an undetermined amount of time and his life is going to consist of work and home for a while. I know I’m not giving him any credit that he does know how life will change, and that he’s trying to just ‘live it up’ now. I think my frustration is REALLY that he’ll get frustrated with me because he can’t go out and do what he wants to, when he wants to like he is used to. Feeling scared that he’ll somehow resent me for limiting him and the things that make him happy, in turn for being sequestered at home with me and the boy. Not saying it’s rational folks, just where I am.
– Frustrated (more like scared) that I don’t know how to rock my business into forward motion when I am able to put all my focus on it. I see others doing it, I just feel a bit scared that I won’t know what to do first… when it comes time to do it for me. So much I want to do… just not sure what to do first.

There, glad I got that off my chest. I still feel the same, but it definitely helps to get it out. Again, I’m just sharing where I am, I’m positive this feeling will pass.

So to attempt shift directions, I am going to do 3 things 2 things, hopefully it will help redirect me out of this frustrating mood I’m in today.

3 things that make you happy:

  1. Feeling the boy moving around a LOT more in the past three days, still such a trippy feeling, one that I am trying not to take for granted (I think it can easily be taken for granted because it’s happening, on and off, all day long)
  2. That it’s FRIDAY. (Can I get an AMEN!)
  3. That I am writing this blog post today. I have been wanting to do this a few days now.

2 things you are looking forward to today this weekend:

  1. That my sister is coming to spend the weekend with me while Peter is off on his bike to a chef/food event in Southern Virginia called Lambstock. We are going to figure out how to lay out this nursery/guest room and get it to a place where I can feel a little more prepared for the boy to arrive.
  2. We are also going to be meeting with a doula on Sunday, hopefully/maybe to be the middle ground between having a hospital birth and a midwife/home/birthing center birth. She is a new doula, but has a team of experienced midwives/doulas on her side so I’m excited to see if we click.

2 long term things you are looking forward to:

  1. That if all things go as planned (fingers crossed), Peter has a getaway weekend (at the beach!) planned next weekend for us so at least I can hopefully spend one day, listening to the waves, eyes closed. If not, I will definitely be going to the pool.
  2. Looking forward to the baby shower shin dig that my sister is throwing at our house in September. If I may… Peter and I “give good parties”, and this one, I think will be no exception. I get most excited to see everyone have a good time. 🙂

1 person you are going to appreciate:

Honestly myself. I am so proud of myself. I told myself that I wanted to be as calm as I can be throughout this experience of preparing for the next chapter of my life. I feel like I’m doing a good job, and am feeling at peace with where I am (despite these frustrating moments). I think I’m at a point in my life where I can see the fruit of my work to SURRENDER to the outcome. I have NO idea what’s ultimately going to happen (how my birthing experience will look like, how I’ll “be” as a mom, how our decision to leave the 9-5 will affect our financial future) and yet I feel at peace with that part of me that is okay that I don’t know. I am facing my fears… and attempting to do it in a way that leaves me feeling as calm as I can be, for me and for the little one within that I am charged with caring for.  I feel BRAVE.

Bet you thought I forgot I had a blog.

Russos 2013

Nope. Very much still here.

Wish I had a good reason (excuse) to share why I’ve been so MIA, but honestly I don’t. I can’t remember the last time that I wrote, on a semi-regular basis, so I don’t know what last I shared with you. With the advent of Facebook (Find me here.) you can practically keep up with me, whenever I do share there. (Which is every once in a while. For me, Facebook has become one big opportunity for information/sensory overload, hence I only share when I’m inspired)

Just haven’t been in a sharer-y mood, as of the past year or so, here on my blog. I didn’t want to come across as negative or ‘whoa is me’ to the things that I’ve been working on since we know by my tough letter to myself, that I can focus a bit too much on that, and the times that I have allowed the flood gates to open, as standard operating practice for those who share their feelings publically, I left myself open to scrutiny. Being a sensitive soul, I wasn’t able to receive others good intentioned suggestions. (even if they were just a part of my imagination) If you too, write a blog, you know that sharing can be deeply personal and can leave yourself open to those who think they know whats best for you.

That said, too much time has passed and I am BURSTING at the seams to share with you all that’s happening in my mind and in my heart. (And in my body… like a BABY!) At my core, I’m a sharer. A chatty Cathy and I have felt a void, a loss of connection that I had, not just with those who read this (those handful or so of you lovelies out there) but with myself. Writing has always been a way of getting what I’m thinking OUT of me and onto a place where I can better process.

SO…. I think I want to have a format where I can share in a regular way. Either I will do 3 things, 2 things : (3 things that make you happy/2 things you are looking forward to today/
2 long term things you are looking forward to/ 1 person you are going to appreciate) OR  5-4-3-2-1 (5 things I am grateful for/4 things I can’t stop thinking about/3 things I want to accomplish this week/2 things I am working on being more positive about/1 random thing

Starting with today. This one will probably be extra long since I’ve got so much to share.

I commit to you and to myself to post one of these exercises, once a week and am actually looking forward to it!

3 things that make me happy:

  1. As of tomorrow, I will be 23 weeks pregnant. (YES, I said pregnant) I honestly am still in shock that 1. Peter and I are going to be parents and 2. We are going to have the experience of caring for and raising a little one. For so long in my life, I didn’t think children were in my plan, so this is still sorta trippy for me. SO FAR, everything is going well. I am due on November 6th-ish and we’re delivery at Sibley Hospital in Washington,DC. I still unfortunately have a bit of nausea (specifically around when I’m either hungry or full) and I found out early on that I have a genetic mutuation for a blood clot disorder that I’ve never heard of in my life until now which has me on a low dose aspirin regimen. Found out we’re having a BOY, which at first was not the news I was expecting to hear, always thinking a girl was who I was meant to guide and nuture, but alas, I’m slowly settling into this fact and looking for ways to raise an emotionally available and well rounded boy to be the man a woman would dream of marrying. *We still have not decided on a name, I have had a girl name in queue for 3 years now and am honestly draw a BLANK with what I would want to name my future son. (Weird. I’m going to have a son. I’m going to be a mama.) Pinch me.  Feeling him moving around already is such a cool, bonding and yet trippy experience. I am SO grateful that I’m not freaking out with “I have an alien inside me!” thoughts, but a gentle calmness and peace when I feel him moving around.
  2. This next thing makes me SO happy, I can not stand it. I am SO grateful to Peter to believe in me and my vision for Married to a Chef and coaching, that he supports me leaving my 9-5 and staying home for a year to take care of our little one and build my own practice. After a three month “maternity leave”, I will begin to work on my practice, my vision FULL TIME, while taking care of our little one. Little ones grow so fast the first year, we both see this as a benefit to be home those first 12 months. This is what I’ve been dreaming of for a LONG TIME. The time and space to focus on my OWN mission and message. I’ve been SO conflicted over the past 4 years with regards to my 9-5 career, that I am SO GRATEFUL for the opportunity to make this happen and hopefully (fingers crossed) find the bounty (both in having the flexibility to raise my family AND the financial bounty to NEVER have to go back to a 9-5 again. – Oh how badly I want to make this take flight) Now, I’m under NO delusion that doing double duty as a work at home mama will be a breeze (or the fact that we’ll be going down to one salary) but I’m committed to working to make this happen. The goal of making my vision profitable so that I can continue past year one (and not returning to corporate america) is something that motivates me to want to work twice as hard. I promise to work hard to make my family proud.
  3. That my kitty girl, Pez, is STILL with me. Oh my goodness, my heart. She is now in her 18th year. Shes definitely slowed down and I worry if we’ve come to the end, from time to time when she intermittently has seizures that scare the dickens out of me but I am grateful EACH day that she is with me. She has been a part of my life for almost half of my life so far and while I know she will not live as long as I, I am savoring each moment I still have to ENJOY her. She’s been really cute lately, visiting me multiple times a night to, I guess, check in to see if I’m okay. I think she can tell that something is about to change.

2 things I am looking forward to today:

  1. My A Course in Miracles study group. Every Tuesday from 7-9pm, I meet with others who are studying ‘The Course”, to help bring them greater peace in their lives. I have been studying and part of this group for a year and a half now, and it’s profoundly changing my life. I wish I could say it’s changing my life because it’s EASY, but alas, I cannot. It’s been one of the hardest things I have ever wanted to do. I find myself in constant resistance to my natural state of peace, and am continually having to pick myself back up, dust myself off and get back on the path. We are not programmed to believe in continual peace. At our core, we are filled with conflict, and this course is a guide to facing that conflict and presenting another option, another way. I know I’ve written about this before, but in studying this course, I feel like I have come home. There is no where else for me to look for the Answer. My only job is to stay diligent in it’s unraveling and continually willing to choose another way to live my life. It is this tug of war between our way of being in the world (EGO) and our natural state of peace. As you can see in my picture above, I need regular reminders to stay on the path, and I find writing on my inner wrist helps me to “Stay the Course”! 🙂
  2. Eating Fruit in some fashion. My fruit cravings as of late have either been as a smoothie (banana/mango/strawberry) or eating pineapple or green grapes. I find myself definitely wanting to get in my fruits everyday. If the afternoon comes and I haven’t had some fruit in some way… I can tell my body starts to yearn for it. (like now) – I figure since I have almost completely cut out coffee and chocolate (for the caffeine), replacing it with fruit is a substitute I can definitely live with!

2 long term things I am looking forward to:

  1. Umm… everything? So many things I’m looking forward to. Leaving the 9-5 (Hopefully forever, fingers crossed!), Having a SAFE and PROBLEM FREE delivery of this little boy, and being able to enjoy every moment being with him, watching Peter as a new dad, my sister as a new auntie, working on my own dreams, drinking coffee and eating chocolate again, babys first Christmas… I don’t think I could just list two things here.
  2. The day we make relocating a reality. I am SO ready for a change of scenery and pace. Finding that place where we want to put down roots (READ: Buy a house) New roads to drive on, new restaurants, new friends, new adventures. Perhaps close to a beach would be nice too. *YES, if you’ve been reading me or following on Facebook, you know that location for me is Charleston,SC but I’ve also been daydreaming of moving back to Savannah,GA too.

1 person I am going to appreciate

Gosh, I cannot name just one. I just cannot.

To my husband – For supporting our family goals and my personal goal of making my dreams come true. I know it will be a completely different experience, diving into the unknown and perhaps our fears, but I promise to do my best to let my actions (and hopefully outcomes!) speak louder than my words! Thank you for really KNOWING me, for knowing when to step in and say “No honey, I know that won’t make you happy in the long run”, even though I desparately thought I could “fake it till I make it”. For asking me when you’re on your way home from work, “I’m leaving now, is there anything you need?” – I can really tell you really want to provide if you can. For surprising me with flowers, and sweet mushy cards and our childs first book. “My Pet Giraffe” – for letting me cry when I need to, and for reminding me to laugh (even when I don’t want to). I am so grateful for you, even in my resistance.  Thank you for saving my life.  Cheers to us being a mama and a papa! (makes me get choked up to no surprise, I’m sure!)

To my sister – For this exciting adventure we are about to go on. You as an Auntie and me as a mama. For spending time with me when I’m lonely. For helping me not feel so alone when Peter works long hours and on weekends. Being the ONLY one who REALLY understands what I’m working on (forgiveness) and where my conditioned beliefs get in my way. I am excited to see how this next chapter unfolds for YOU. I can’t shake the feeling that things are lining up EXACTLY as they should for you. I am SO excited to stand by you while you light the way for yourself. Thank you for your willingness to go into this unknown with me.

For my girl friends Laura, Roxanne and Kriss – Thank you for being there for me through this extremely interesting and foreign experience I’m having while being pregnant. I am SO grateful for your constant acknowledgement and validating thoughts, even when mine are irrational and emotional. I feel heard and seen by you where I feel most vulnerable and sensitive. For encouraging me in a way that leaves me feeling empowered. Thank you for helping me feel like I’m not going crazy, or being ungrateful (or minimizing my own experience) in this trippy and also exciting moment of my life. For helping me feel SAFE in my feelings, even if they’re not understood by everyone. For validating my fears and confirming me that I too, have what it takes to be an amazing mother, to my son. (Still weird to say son, gotta admit.)

Thanks all for letting me pour this out of me. I gotta say, it’s been really nice to share this. Like the first sip of a cool beverage on a hot summer day. Aah. Looking forward to doing it more often!!!

In gratitude,
Kerilyn

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