Who am I?

That is such a good question… for it seemingly varies from day to day, but, when I think about it… there is a foundation; a Kerilyn mold. So that’s who I’ll tell you I am.

Well, I decided to begin this incarnation on December 31st, 1974 in Brooklyn, NY to Bill and Annette Fox. The story behind my name (I get asked this a lot, so let’s set the record): My parents couldn’t decide between Keri and Lynn, so, on the way to the hospital they decided to slap it together. Thank God, because I love my name; love that I have never actually met another Kerilyn. I hear that, from the get go, I was a handful! Growing up in Queens, NY, I wish I had more memories… of my grandparents; the way they smelled, the way every inch of their house was a declaration of who our family was. I wish spent more time listening to my Grandpa talk on the phone to his family and friends in Italy… how I loved to hear him speak Italian. Wish I had more memories of family reunions with Bocce games in the backyard of my Uncle Vic’s house. Those early memories escape me. My sister, Kristine, decided to join us 17 months after me. I don’t remember if I was happy to be a sister then or not… I know I am now.

There are so many memories that don’t escape me. Memories of the move to the Garden State, where my conscious journey began. Of school and always feeling like I didn’t fit in…of being taller than everyone else… of wearing glasses at age 6 (NOT cool at the time) and of not learning quick enough. These were not easy moments. But there were also the fun ones! Memories of my friends, sister and I “playing store” and “school” every day for hours in the basement; with the cash register and the reams of paper we wasted on making Final Exams for our students (our Cabbage Patch Dolls). The sad part was, we had to take those tests ourselves so we could correct them.

Memories of the move from one city to another in NJ; of staying back a year so I could be “at the right place with all the other kids” and how embarrassed I was.

Memories of the pneumonia and of the two months I spent in the hospital when I was 11 (three hours or so of which I truly remember). Of my guardian angel experience… where I was told I wasn’t going to die, but that I was going to go through a lot of difficult things in my life and to know that I would one day reap the rewards. Of air tents, respirators, two blood transfusions, 140 stitches and five metal staples in my lung; making sure I wouldn’t “go off” when going through a metal detector. Of surviving that experience.

Memories of losing my grandpa when I was 14 and how I remember the way my mom’s face looked when she was on the phone and hearing the news that it was cancer. How I cried for hours in the cabinet under the sink because I didn’t want anyone to find me. It still makes me tear up to remember that one…

Memories of how I had a few friends, but still had the feeling that I was missing something. Of all the sports I was made to play: soccer, tennis, karate, swimming, softball… and how I didn’t excel at any one of them. Of my first job in Richard’s Fine Footware… stocking shelves with shoes and helping size customers’ feet with that metal contraption. Of Joey Fratesi… gosh, I had such a crush on that boy (Like you didn’t know this Joe? HA!) Memories of the summer of 1993, which had to be one of the best years of my teenage life. Graduated high school, was going away to college, had my car, a group of friends (Phyllis… my kindred sister) who I spent practically every day with, doing fun things (like dancing), and not so fun things (like staying out without telling anyone where I was). I was a rebellious teenager. Memories of ending racism and questioning authority. If you don’t believe me, ask my parents. They didn’t like me much back then. Memories of meeting my girl Kyra in my Senior year of high school. She is the most creative and artistic person I know. Without calling myself a literal copycat, she has helped inspire me; how I see things, the world, and interpret things into my own artistic influence. When I’m in her space… I am immersed in Kyra’s soul. I could stay there forever.

Memories of college and all that I experienced… independence and freedom and the realization of how sheltered I’ve been all my life. I enjoyed college… not so much for the academics, but for the expression. Every student freely expressing themselves in their own way. I enjoyed watching that from my dorm room window or my walk home from class. Of my Krisstoefir who gets the ‘best roommate of my life’ award. Of Heather, “Running Heather”, who I met during orientation before I even started college at WVU. We were inseparable for the most part, for almost 4 years… laughter and tears… to the beach, to New York City, we went together. She was my WVU. And of Matthew… my Matthew, or “Bizatch”, as he is sometimes still called. I’m in CONSTANT amazement that he’s stuck by me as long as he has. It’s definitely been an interesting ride with he and I (insert LOUD laugh here… of both fun times and sincere appreciation). One of the smartest men in my life. I DARE you to try to step up to the debating plate against him; definitely the proverbial Scorpio he is… (now Matthew, don’t edit my grammar here, okay?).

Memories of Kerilyn’s repetitive attempt at trying to find love. Wow! I need a few more pages for this one, but I’ll make it brief. Of eternally pining for those that did not hold mutual interest. Of my alarming disrespect for myself and all the foolish decisions I made trying to comfort myself from the loneliness and despair and the fact that I still felt like I didn’t fit in. Of the consequences of those decisions, but I’ll admit…those same decisions have helped shaped who I am, so I don’t regret a one.

And all the while, of Kerilyn’s big dream of walking down the street, holding hands.. that silent connection that lies between 2 hands, 2 palms touching and 10 fingers that I still believe holds the secret to whatever it is that keeps people together.  It is the dreamer in me that will always yearn for this feeling in my life. (3.1.09) I have learned that that feeling doesn’t necessarily exist solely when holding hands… It’s a knowing, that is without words. I am grateful to of experienced both.. holding hands without any feeling.. and the feeling of being in the arms of someone you love and who loves you… warts and all.

Memories of that rainy Wednesday afternoon when I was so lost that I found myself in church… crying endlessly (and loudly I remember)… and suddenly I felt something shift.

“Change, when it comes, cracks everything open”
– Dorothy Allison

Memories of how quickly everything seemed to change. Of taking an aptitude test that said I was supposed to be doing something with the arts and communication… and then transferring from psychology to Interior Design. Looking at other schools and being accepted to Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD) and quickly preparing to transfer there. It happened all so quickly, like in a blink. When asked “why are you leaving?”, I would answer, “I don’t know exactly… I just know I have to”.

Memories of that day when I was so depressed at WVU, sitting on the couch, wallowing, and my awesome roommates Lisa and Kristen said they were going to go run at the Basketball Coliseum and wanted me to come. I did. I found myself addicted to the thought that I was going to run a mile, and I did it. It took three months of going back there… in the snow, and in the rain… but I did it. It didn’t hurt that people would tell me they could see I’d lost weight, and it became my sole purpose in life – to keep trying to run every day. It made me happy, felt so natural to me… It still does, thankfully. Of the 70 lbs I lost then. It was the happiest time of my life to date.

Savannah. Love that damn town. It’s magical for those who have never been there. Well, it was magical for me. The slowness of the town…I loved being in art school. I still don’t think that I appreciate what I accomplished; far away from everyone I knew. A fresh start… it was awesome!

Memories of the rainy day when I was running on the treadmill in the school’s gym, and this guy came up to me and said ‘Can I ask you a question?”, which I thought was going to be, “Do you play basketball?” (one of the first questions I am often asked) and I took the lead and said “NO! I don’t play basketball!!!”, to which he said he wasn’t going to ask that and proceeded to invite me to join Crew… and I did. And, wow, blew the lid off me thinking that I was not athletic. I loved it. Loved getting up before the sun rose, and loved my girl Tamaryn who sat in front of me every morning. Wow. I don’t think I could’ve asked for a better team. We might never have won, but damn it, we were going down together.

Memories of interior design… and all-nighters,  of hourly smoke breaks (yes, I was a smoker), and of all the hard work that went into our studio projects. Furniture and lighting design, and learning how to “ink” your floor plans, and how much of a bitch that really was (thank God interior designers now use the computer to draw; a runny pen was enough to send us over the edge).

Memories of the triangle of unrequited love. The hours, years for that matter, of angst I put myself under, tears I shed, and how I can, miraculously, re-create those feelings at the drop of a hat and still can’t figure out why. What a waste of energy on my part… Sigh… Sometimes Kerilyn is such a silly silly girl… so much to learn still.

So many memories in Savannah, good and bad. Overall, it was such a gift in my life; all the people in that time, meeting Michelle, or “Sweetcheeks”, as I call her. From the minute I laid eyes on her, there was a connection. In ways that no one but she and I will understand, there are past life connections going on here. I’d say she’s the only one that I can spend time with and not have to talk to TRULY have a good time. Again, a long road for her and I, of the ONE topic that has caused SO much turbulence (insert BIG sigh here) I don’t think I can express my feelings for her… I feel and probably will always feel at home with her. And then, TJ, Kyle, Tina, Garcia, Robyn, AJ, my crew, Meghan, Garrett, Liz and Matthew. I learned SO much, loved SO much, laughed SO much (getting misty, changing subject).

Graduation. And finding a job… originally doing Hotel Design. Moving to Virginia to work in Washington DC and how I somehow thought that would fulfill my dream since high school of moving to NYC after school (if not Italy). In Virginia, being closer to my parents than I had been in many years, and how that took adjusting.

Memories… of being laid off… (two week bout of being unemployed, thankfully)

… of being laid off… (six months of being unemployed… How did I do it? I’m not sure still.)

… of being laid off… (two more months… losing my spirit for Interior Design)

Yes, three times, with a six month bout in between jobs two and three. Tough. The first three years I lived here, EVERY YEAR I got laid off. Due to the economy, down sizing,  I totally believe it was the universe pushing me in the direction I was supposed to go, but damn if it wasn’t hard while in the moment. So, to date, I’ve had seven jobs since 1999.

(10.8.09) EIGHT Jobs.. Three Layoffs.. all to land as a System Furniture Interior Designer.. had been working as a System Furniture Interior Designer for a Herman Miller Dealership from August 2006 until  July 2009, LOVING where I worked.. the location.. the people.. WHAT I did.. until suddenly without any notice.. the company suddenly went Bankrupt and I find myself, yet again.. searching for my next opportunity to shine.. and potentially fulfill my dreams! I am graciously in a situation where I do not feel afraid… and feel in the flow of life.. and I know my next opportunity will be EXACTLY where I am supposed to be! I have faith!

Of my life from 2006 – Mid 2008…what an answer to a prayer that was. Unfortunately we are here to learn.. and sometimes the most important lessons are learned the hard and painful way. You have heard it before I’m sure…”Sometimes you have to lose it all in order to gain everything” – unknown. Well, I gave everything.. lost myself, and then somehow found the Strength and Courage to work towards NEVER AGAIN accepting  less than I deserve. I have learned a lot from this experience, a LOT, have learned that noone.. NOONE can make you feel beautiful.. it has to start with yourself. From the inside out. Why are our greatest lessons the hardest to accept? Still… boggles me.

Of Naomi, a definite kindred spirit here. I have grown more by knowing this amazing woman than I have in my entire life. I have always been one to acknowledge I have my issues, or my “stuff “ as I call it. But Naomi, wow. I’ve actually grown relatively comfortable not pushing it away because of our AMAZING talks. I have been more exposed and more raw with her than I ever have with anyone, and I have grown SO much during the years we’ve been best friends. We have also been through a lot. I can say I am reaping ALL the amazing benefits of being in her life. I have such a better sense of who I am, and who I want to be. A partner in spirit, and emotion, of manifesting our destiny, of fighting “the tribe” and “Acting independently of the good opinion of others” – Wayne Dyer.

Of my greeting cards, Benchmarks. Benchmarks in life, and literally; all my cards have pictures of people on a bench. I truly did NOT intend for my cards to be sold. I did it during one of my bouts of unemployment, as a way to work through my confusion. I did ten cards, left them on my coffee table, until one of my friends noticed them. I had NO idea that they would be so well received. I really enjoy doing them and we’ll see where the future of Benchmarks takes us. I have them in two shops, doing consignment and online (check out my Etsy Shop).  One day at a time is my current way of seeing life.

And last but NEVER EVER LEAST….

(10.8.09) Of Peter, my first boyfriend (and my LAST)  and now my husband, and our strange happenstance that we reconnected after a three and a half year lapse once I moved to Virginia… which began my first experience into coupledom. Long distance for a year, which was tough, but also fun; he in New Jersey and me in Virginia. Then, moving here and trying to balance out our different work schedules (being with a chef is sometimes difficult). I still have so much to learn.  Another past life connection here. Not always the most comfortable, but I will always love Peter for being the first person who has really seen me ‘come undone’ (through long bouts of being unemployed, losing my spirit for my career… just to list two) and still somehow sees someone he loves. Amazing.  (3.1.09) It is my goal.. EVERY DAY… to do my best to show Peter how much he has saved my life… The strength of his love for me.. cannot be expressed through words. We have been together, apart, and somewhere in between, and somehow the feelings of love and ‘knowing’ have ALWAYS been there. He has helped me find myself again….after losing myself… for I am “SO MUCH MYSELF” when I am with him… whether it be singing in the car, being silly or just relaxing together. He knows…without  me having to say a word. I am SO excited to be his wife.. to stand by his side and support his dreams as he supports mine. Marriage and Subsequent family to be the next Chapter in ‘thisdreamergirl’s life.  September 26th,2009 -A Day that will live in infamy in my mind – The Day I became Mrs. Kerilyn Russo and am SO excited (beyond words) for what our next adventures will be!!! If we can get through all we already have.. I am sure that we will work together to make our dreams come true!!!

Wow, I just wrote my autobiography! Cool! Well that’s my journey to date. And as my motto of my life says, “I am still learning”. I am blessed to have another day, another sunrise, and another day to enjoy life, while trying to figure it all out, smiling , dancing and crying all the way.

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself – What makes you come alive. And then go, and do that. Because what the World needs are people who have come alive.”
- Harold Whitman

Edited 10.8.09