So I’ve been hiding from you.
I’ve been telling myself… Day after day to SHOW UP.
Like a runner before the gun, Every morning… I’m emotionally jumping up and down, swinging my arms back and forth to get my blood pumping. Telling myself to just SHOW UP KERILYN. The message will come but you gotta show up first.
And yet as the day goes by… I hear the voice, louder and louder say… “You did it again… you didn’t show up AGAIN.”
And with every day, I feel more and more disappointed in myself. More frustrated.
How can I… this big dreamer I SAY I am, not show up as I have?
Nothing I tell you about WHY will explain why I don’t show up. They’ll all be smoke and mirrors to the real reason.
I want this luxurious life but I’m not willing to show you what I have to teach because of WHAT?
Well I’ll tell you if your interested.
Because I feel something very similar is happening to you too.
Maybe it’s not with business/career but relationships, health…
Maybe it’s about it ALL. *Like me.
You want it all but you DON’T KNOW WHY you won’t show up.
Do the things.
If you’re like me, your aggravation is getting to a point where you can no longer take it anymore… which is why it BLOWS YOUR MIND that you will still go another day not showing up or doing the things…
Like a rubber band stretched to the max, you’re blown away that you have the leeway to go yet one more day… without showing up…
But you do.
- -at the same stinkin job, keeping your mouth shut with the belittling demands even though your manager SUCKS and she knows it deep down but she’s just like you… too afraid to Do the Things that will no longer make her feel like the people under her are looking at her thinking she sucks as a manager so SHE TOO stays quiet.
- In the SAME relationship that’s like kicking a dead horse, same argument, over and over PRAYING TO THE SAME GOD why won’t the outcome be different and you HEAR a voice that says YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS MARRIAGE but you ignore the voice because HOW DARE I do something that will upset the “family dynamic?”
- You get yourself all excited about the latest miracle cure to your being overweight… focusing ALL your energy on what your eating and your exercise but deep down there is a tug at you that this isn’t supposed to be happening to YOU because you’ll always just be the girl that gets picked last for volleyball in high school and who the FUCK are you kidding… even though the compliments feel nice and yea.. your husband wants to fuck you more now… can’t get rid of standing there last in gym class… feeling like your a piece of worthless shit that will never be worthy of being picked FIRST even though the clothing gets cuter and cuter as the dress sizes go down.
You know this isn’t going to last forever,
The one more day and one more day.
You know eventually you’re going to break but you keep hoping it’s not today.
Please, dear God, let today NOT be the day that I’ve gotta “Do the Things”
No God, I’m not ready.
I’m not ready to get what I want.
Because if I SHOW UP,
DO THE THINGS…
Then I’ll find out quickly that I actually am powerful as I thought I was and then
WHO WILL I BE?
Where will the little girl who will “never amount to anything IF”
-you don’t OBEY your parents.
-you don’t SACRIFICE what you WANT for asking for only what you NEED.
-I don’t learn to ONLY color INSIDE the lines.
You see, I’m not more special than you.
I’m not smarter than you or more brave than you.
I’m not more “well off” than you or in this dazzling fairy tale of a relationship where I can just sit back and do nothing and enjoy all the benefits.
I am you.
I want something I’m too afraid to ASK FOR.
I’m afraid if I actually prove to myself that I can do it… that my dad will be mad at me because HOW DARE YOU BE HAPPY?
The closer I get to that moment of breaking… the louder the voice is of my dad who, through his ACTIONS even today says…
“HOW DARE YOU TRY TO DO WHAT I COULD NOT… TO DO WHAT YOU WANT… TO BE HAPPY?
HOW DARE YOU NOT DO WHAT IS OBLIGATED OF YOU?
HOW DARE YOU NOT OBEY ME TO STAY STRUGGLING WITH MY PHILOSOPHY OF “BE CAREFUL” ABOUT EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE?
DON’T YOU SEE YOU OWE ME YOUR HAPPINESS, AFTER ALL I’VE SACRIFICED FOR YOU?
I’VE SACRIFICED MY LIFE FOR YOU AND YOU NOW MUST DO THE SAME THING TO SHOW ME YOU SEE WHAT IVE DONE FOR YOU.
If you DARE disobey, I will cut you off and you will be all alone in this world with no family, with no one to turn to…
DO YOU WANT THAT?
If you don’t, then continue to NOT SHOW UP and not Do the Things… that will be your payment for all that I’ve given up for you.
“BE A GOOD GIRL.”
And so I have.
Despite it NEVER feeling authentic or “right”, I have ultimately OBEYED.
Not TRULY showed up.
Sure, I’ve had my fair share of Fuck you moments (like when I got my nose pierced when I was 18 and played it off like it was fake for 2 years or got the tattoo that you told me you would scrape off with a dull butter knife if you ever caught me with one but JUST SO HAPPENED to wear a shirt that showed my tattoo every time I picked up a box on moving day but never DARED cross the ULTIMATE line because “DO YOU WANT TO BE ALL ALONE WITH NO FAMILY AT ALL? I DIDN’T THINK SO. SIT QUIET AND OBEY” says my father in my head because that’s the message he’s NOT said to me since I was little. (My superpower is focusing on what you DON’T say)
Yea, I didn’t get the parents who write you letters saying “I’m SO proud of you.” but when you feel clear in your WHY… you know deep down that they are exactly who YOU NEED THEM TO BE to push you toward this VERY moment. *But doesn’t take away the disappointment and strong desire to tell them EXACTLY what you think, just to get it off your chest, knowing FULL WELL they will make good on their threat to cut you out.”
But I can’t keep quiet anymore because if I don’t SHOW UP and Do the Things… I feel like I’m going to die and yes, I’m VERY cautious about saying words my body can hear, but it doesn’t make it any less true. *And my body is responding in kind to the NOT SHOWING UP with chest pains and rattling cough that I feel in my lungs and 3am wake up calls with hot sweats and I actually hear my body screaming, like the princess in NeverEnding story yelling “SAVE US! SAY MY NAME!”
Hey this amazing body of mine..I HEAR YOU. I don’t want you to suffer anymore… I’m going to SHOW UP and DO THE THINGS…
I’m prepared to lose everything for this.
Because what God wants me to know is YES… it might LOOK like I might be losing my family… but what I have coming to me is better than any controlling family could ever give.
And ALL I have to do is RELEASE THE GRIP on the fear of losing my family and
SHOW UP and DO THE THINGS.
Gods got the net.
And these THINGS… what are these THINGS I have to offer you, what do I have to teach?
That I AM YOU.
- I know how strong the command of OBEY is from a family member.
- I KNOW how terrifying the threat of abandonment is.
- I know what it’s like to be told “it’s not that bad” and I’m making this shit up that something doesn’t feel right here, even today, 42 years later
- I know how the sacrament of SACRIFICE doesn’t match with living a life of wealth and authenticity…
ALL I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE… is show you you’re not alone.
To show you I’m afraid too.
To show you WE can do the big things.
I want to teach you how to DISOBEY in a way that doesn’t trigger you into a paralyzed state.
ALL I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE is take this God given gift of seeing others as myself and USE IT…
I don’t have magic formulas or secrets to a million dollar business or how to get over overwhelm.
(I mean I do, it’s all one answer. FEAR. We gotta look at the deepest fear but we’re too afraid to do that, for all the reasons I’ve mentioned above.)
All I want to do is have you stare in my eyes, with tears streaming down mine… as you see yourself and all the things YOU CAN DO…
If you too, SHOW UP AND DO THE THINGS.
To start to ONLY OBEY YOURSELF, and the voice who is screaming at you right now.
You hear her, I know you do.
What is she saying?
If you want someone who will NOT come from above you but from a place right across from you… message me….
And we will do this… TOGETHER.
I will be your family if you’re ready.