photo by Tim Gouw
How many of you STILL don’t understand WHY you cannot just pull trigger on the things you really want in your life?
You are doing the work.. writing lists of what your “dream” life would look like…
~Daily Journaling with I AM statements
STILL….what you want is plaguing you… it’s what you think of when you wake up and what you dream of when you sleep.
It’s both what you say (to the people who get you)
and what you DON’T say (to the people you don’t feel safe to say what is calling you ALL.THE.TIME)
It’s these people (the ladder) who I want to talk about today.
Most of these people are loved ones… family.
The people we have and continue to spend most of our lives with.
You know who it is for you.
I was doing some intentional intuitive journalling last night… around a really big block that I just have not been able to find clarity on.
It’s probably, if I’m being totally honest, the ONE THING that is at the core of everything else.
TANGLED. Like that knot at the base of your hair at your neck.
You’re hair looks all pretty on the top but underneath it’s hard to look down.
It’s making me feel angry.
It’s making me feel depressed.
WHAT AM I AFRAID OF? REALLY?
The answer was like a loud voice in my ear.
And It sounded like my dad.
I was raised to be careful about EVERYTHING.
Who I was friends with…
What I spend my money on..
How I spend my money on.
This phrase has haunted me.
I didn’t know just how deeply woven…knotted, this belief was until I was writing about it last night and it hit me
“Be Careful” is the reason why I don’t do what I REALLY want to do.
Why I have made so many decisions not in line with my soul.
Why I make decisions/take actions that are not in line with what’s calling me.
I’ve been taught to listen.
To follow the rules.
To BE CAREFUL
I’ve also been one to resist.
One to “stir the pot” as my mother once told me I always did when I visited.
I’m a pot stirrer for sure.
I take risk. I go to the edge.
I have learned to say “fuck it” with so many of my dreams.
I have made friends, tried things, asked for help, received magical experiences..
ALL because I have not been CAREFUL.
I have made 2 out of the 3 of my biggest dreams come true.
…. but with this ONE THING.
The last of my big dreams. *To always have 10,000 in the bank (savings)*
*For me it involves doing something with my career that I LOVE and am able to receive wealth from it*
I can’t seem to get over this one hurdle and well… I’m at this impasse where you probably are.
I’m at ENOUGH.
Enough with not understanding WHY I can’t do this.
Why I can’t take a step.
Why I’m frozen in place.
Why, no matter what I do, I keep finding myself in this SAME SPOT…
over and over.
Like an invisible fence that I can’t seem to cross over.
Why I am FED UP with feeling this way.
The answer is most likely pretty simple.
Just like it is for me.
It’s probably a voice you’ve been listening too for SO long,
a voice that is not your own,
but you’ve been listening to it, been living your life by it,
you wouldn’t even stop to question it…
for you have been told if you did.. you were told,
threatened even… that it would have consequences.
Do you don’t go near what you want,
what is calling you because…
Well, It’s time to STOP being careful.
To learn to NOT listen to those voices who say OBEY.
To forgive ourselves for what we had no control over.
Even when we stepped out into the world on our own.
(you know, as an “adult”)
By then the damage had already been done.
The habits had been wired.
We feel off because what we were told…
… to listen.
…to BE CAREFUL.
… to “do as your told”
We go to the edge but we never cross it.
*yes, there are the few that do and they are our example that WE CAN TOO.
But we’re never going to do it until we discover what that message is
that we’ve been listening to for SO long.
So I want you to get into a receiving space… whatever that is for you. *no right or wrong way*
(here are just a few examples)
While on a walk, a run, at yoga, in meditation, cooking your dinner, reading a book, journaling, after having some great sex, driving to work, drying your hair, getting a pedicure, listening to a podcast/a TED talk…
- What message are you listening to? What is the message you seem to not be able to ‘get over’?
- Who is saying it to you? *THIS IS A BIG ONE.
- How intense is the fear to challenge the person/s who is saying it to you?
- What are the consequences of saying something to this person?
- What are the consequences of NOT saying something?
*write it down now*
Underneath all these answers is a shame/guilt feeling.
A feeling of WHY…
WHY did I listen to his/her/their message?
WHY did I BELIEVE it??
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME FOR GODS SAKES!
FORGIVENESS. IT ALWAYS GOES BACK TO FORGIVENESS.
At the root, NOT FORGIVING YOURSELF is always the why.
Why did I listen to them?
Why didn’t I know better?
Why wasn’t I stronger?
Why didn’t I resist?
Underneath it all, It’s not even about the person who was telling you what to do/what to believe….
It’s NOT about my dad at all.
It’s about ME… beating myself up over and over again for believing I wasn’t strong enough to believe/do anything different.
Even to withstand his resistance.
It’s ALWAYS about me.
In this situation for SO long, I wasn’t willing to look deep enough to find the root of what caused me pain.
And you know what… as a young child and young adult… I wasn’t in the place to resist.
I was still under his direction. His “Not under my roof” you don’t… energy.
But sadly when I moved from outside that space..
I didn’t know what was plaguing me was that I NO LONGER HAD TO LISTEN.
NO LONGER HAD TO OBEY.
And that’s when the lack of forgiveness crept in.
The Self Loathing.
Except it’s easier to blame my father than to take responsibility for my own adult decisions.
Because ending the parent/child relationship and entering into a mutual adult one, comes with strings attached.
So we don’t speak up.
We don’t do what we want.
We don’t follow our own dreams.
Because we are still that 6-7 year old girl or boy who needs to OBEY.
Except we’re 26, 36, 47. Still worried if mommy or daddy will yell at us.
Be disappointed in us.
So we stay stuck.
What If I had just not listened to my father all those years when he kept saying “Be Careful”
Maybe I wouldn’t be SO afraid.
Maybe I wouldn’t feel so paralyzed.
Maybe…. on and on.
So the work is…
HOW do I get from initially recognizing whose messages I’m listening to…
to how we get to a place where we can forgive the voice.
And finally.. forgive ourselves.
If you’re ready to do this, join me in the CLOSED (read: SAFE) Facebook group
FIRE YOUR PARENTS (from your mind)
CLICK THE BUTTON BELOW.
Because when is it time for us to begin listening to our OWN VOICE
What WE want, versus what we’ve taught what we have to listen to.