on particularly rough days

photo credit: Jen at Bits o’ truth

I don’t know what happened, I woke up this morning feeling SO OVERLY FRUSTRATED with everything. Whew. Yesterday, I was planning on writing a post titled, “Pinch me, I’m dreaming”, about how life is unfolding in a somewhat yummy, dreamy way but today… I have NO idea where those good feelings went. I am feeling SO different than yesterday. I message my sister and she tells me that the fact that I’m one week from my third trimester is a clear reason why I’m feeling so emotionally grumpy today. It sort of feels like a bad PMS trip, pissy and ‘locked and loaded’ to attack anyone or anything that comes into my path. So strange.

Before I attempt to turn it around, let me get off my chest what I’m frustrated about. (Just sharing, I’m sure this feeling will pass just as quickly as it came on)

 – Frustrated that I’m feeling like my house is never in order, that it always needs to be cleaned or tidyed up or organized better. I DO know this is just life, but it’s frustrating the crap out of me today.
– Feeling frustrated that the guest room/nursery is not in place yet. How I wish I could look into that room now and envision ‘the boy’ sleeping in there. Not just yet.
– Frustrated with the 9-5, futile endless training that is inevitably going to lead to a dead end when the little one comes. NOT how I saw myself spending the last 3 months in this industry. (Company changed manufacturers, from Herman Miller to Steelcase two months ago, so I’m learning a new product and new way of designing just to leave when the boy comes)
– Frustrated that our savings account is not as large as I would like it to be. Never feeling like I can keep the money IN there, instead there is always a reason to take it out. *Again, I know this is life, just frustrates me today.
– Frustrated that I haven’t had a vacation in over two years and most likely will not before the little one comes. I can’t tell you how I want to cry knowing I haven’t had a ‘time out’ from my everyday life (where I didn’t have an agenda) I am ACHING to have nothing to do, on a beach somewhere, listening to the waves, writing in my journal. This yearning is so strong, it’s palpable.
– Frustrated that I COULD’VE been closer to a beach if we had gone with our plan to move to Charleston,SC (I got a design job down there back in May and then WE decided to go with Plan B (quit 9-5, take a year off, build business) I DO see the value in going with Plan B, I think I’m just frustrated I am still here in DC, where I am SO ready to be down south.
– Frustrated that I don’t feel that Peter is grasping how his life is going to change once this little one comes, and how our independent ways are going to take a pause for an undetermined amount of time and his life is going to consist of work and home for a while. I know I’m not giving him any credit that he does know how life will change, and that he’s trying to just ‘live it up’ now. I think my frustration is REALLY that he’ll get frustrated with me because he can’t go out and do what he wants to, when he wants to like he is used to. Feeling scared that he’ll somehow resent me for limiting him and the things that make him happy, in turn for being sequestered at home with me and the boy. Not saying it’s rational folks, just where I am.
– Frustrated (more like scared) that I don’t know how to rock my business into forward motion when I am able to put all my focus on it. I see others doing it, I just feel a bit scared that I won’t know what to do first… when it comes time to do it for me. So much I want to do… just not sure what to do first.

There, glad I got that off my chest. I still feel the same, but it definitely helps to get it out. Again, I’m just sharing where I am, I’m positive this feeling will pass.

So to attempt shift directions, I am going to do 3 things 2 things, hopefully it will help redirect me out of this frustrating mood I’m in today.

3 things that make you happy:

  1. Feeling the boy moving around a LOT more in the past three days, still such a trippy feeling, one that I am trying not to take for granted (I think it can easily be taken for granted because it’s happening, on and off, all day long)
  2. That it’s FRIDAY. (Can I get an AMEN!)
  3. That I am writing this blog post today. I have been wanting to do this a few days now.

2 things you are looking forward to today this weekend:

  1. That my sister is coming to spend the weekend with me while Peter is off on his bike to a chef/food event in Southern Virginia called Lambstock. We are going to figure out how to lay out this nursery/guest room and get it to a place where I can feel a little more prepared for the boy to arrive.
  2. We are also going to be meeting with a doula on Sunday, hopefully/maybe to be the middle ground between having a hospital birth and a midwife/home/birthing center birth. She is a new doula, but has a team of experienced midwives/doulas on her side so I’m excited to see if we click.

2 long term things you are looking forward to:

  1. That if all things go as planned (fingers crossed), Peter has a getaway weekend (at the beach!) planned next weekend for us so at least I can hopefully spend one day, listening to the waves, eyes closed. If not, I will definitely be going to the pool.
  2. Looking forward to the baby shower shin dig that my sister is throwing at our house in September. If I may… Peter and I “give good parties”, and this one, I think will be no exception. I get most excited to see everyone have a good time. 🙂

1 person you are going to appreciate:

Honestly myself. I am so proud of myself. I told myself that I wanted to be as calm as I can be throughout this experience of preparing for the next chapter of my life. I feel like I’m doing a good job, and am feeling at peace with where I am (despite these frustrating moments). I think I’m at a point in my life where I can see the fruit of my work to SURRENDER to the outcome. I have NO idea what’s ultimately going to happen (how my birthing experience will look like, how I’ll “be” as a mom, how our decision to leave the 9-5 will affect our financial future) and yet I feel at peace with that part of me that is okay that I don’t know. I am facing my fears… and attempting to do it in a way that leaves me feeling as calm as I can be, for me and for the little one within that I am charged with caring for.  I feel BRAVE.

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