sometime last week it hit me.

I AM HAPPY.

Yep. Me.
It came when my wonderful peer coach sent me this questionnaire. In it were the questions:

On a scale of 1 – 10 (10 high), how fulfilled are you with the choices you’ve made in the last 6 months?

On a scale of 1-10 (10 high), how much stress is in your life right now?  Explain.

Fulfilled is a great word. I think I am really starting to grasp what being fulfilled feels like.  These questions really made me slow the spinning in my head and take stock in the past eight months… Eight months of working again, eight months of experiencing the freedom in saving money, months of recognizing the ebb and flow of Peter and I and loving it when it comes back around to feeling close to him. Reveling in the serendipity that occurred that allowed me to enroll in this Life Coaching Program , seemingly at the perfect moment. The building momentum of my business idea and taking steps to making it a reality. (Ordered Business Cards today! – thank you again Lady Miss K  and Terry for making this possible!) Facing the life lesson to let go of expectations. Of others.. of myself. “It doesn’t have to be what you think it does Kerilyn. Let Go.”  repeats in my head almost hourly and in that repetition.. I find fulfillment.

Finally beginning to accept the purpose my 9-5  job serves. Starting to allow myself to float instead of constantly treading.  Floating allows me to release the hold of a whole compartment of worries and fears about being good enough or proving my worth in my brain and I find I now have a LOT more energy to focus on feeling present where I AM. Fulfilled in the now knowing it won’t always be this way.. so I should appreciate it for what it is.

The unexpected discovery and understanding (also called A HA! moments) of a couple of unresolved quandaries that have plagued my mind (and sense of purpose) for a very long time has brought me so much peace this past eight months. Feeling of fulfillment that I now understand something I so desperately was seeking an answer to for so long.

I thought the concept of “Settling” was like a Cross to a Vampire.  Something that terrified me.
From my experiences -  it meant I was destined to live an ordinary and uninspired life.
The gradual (meaning slow) revelation that ‘Settling” was anything but accepting ordinary has been one of the best gifts I’ve ever given myself.
It has been an understanding that I liken to playing chess. I don’t actually know how to play but I understand the concept. The act of understanding and setting up the players and life experiences around me, knowing they will pick up and change, making them familiar to me according to each step I take. Accepting their position in my life. Accepting their impermanence, that it will inevitably change. When finally understanding that settling doesn’t take my power to make inspired and unordinary decisions from me… I then allow myself to settle into my surroundings. Float. Be fulfilled.

I will admit I most likely will continue to do battle with the older perception of what “settling” is. What most of us think it is. But now, instead of continually being afraid of it, not wanting to look at it … I now know what to compare it to. And in that place I find my power.

That’s where I am. I can honestly say that I am at a place in my life where I never dreamed I’d be. Thinking of this place seemed so far from where I thought I’d ever achieve. A place where it is OKAY to NOT KNOW what is going to happen.  To let go.. and float.

and in that place… to be fulfilled.

xoxo
Kerilyn

Posted Friday, August 27th, 2010 at 11:34 pm | High Low. Subscribe to the comments RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.