my girl Michelle writes a blog – and I caught up with her postings just now… made me want to write myself. (Way for Pay it forward honey)

I’m in this weird place where I am not contented where I am. Antsy. Stagnant. Things aren’t moving as fast as I want them to. I know I say that I know I will not be where I am today – say a year from now but in reality I have NO idea how long it’s going to take for me to achieve what I desire. I have been driving myself and Peter crazy talking about planning for the future and that means I have not been enjoying today. I’m struggling to accept where I am. And in not accepting where I am – I am sad and in being sad – I start to think sad thoughts – and when I think sad thoughts – sad and upsetting things happen because I believe with my being that all thoughts are things – so… with that being said – what is getting me from where I am now (sad) to living a little happier in my day to day is to just accept the what is – TODAY.

So I thought I need to write it down (and let it out) with the things that I need to accept. Writing 100% in the present moment – not focusing on the past or of the future. Hoping that writing it down here will somehow stand as a declaration of sorts… acknowledging full well that I am NOT FOOLING MYSELF.

I need to accept:

1. It’s okay that my job doesn’t satisfy me. It’s a nice office with a nice view and great location (and a nice station to work in) and a great salary and that’s OKAY!! It’s OK that it’s NEVER going to be like it was at my last job and I need to GIVE UP thinking it is or could be and ACCEPT IT for what it is.  IT’S OKAY!!! ACCEPT IT!
2. That I am not in the living situation I desire. That yea.. it’s not the 3 Bedroom House with the bedroom that I will convert into my studio/office and awesome kitchen that makes me want to cook in it or a garden but the place we live in now is MORE than affordable and has a huge bedroom where I can have a little space for myself. Has a backyard and a patio that I can sit and read outside. (and if you get over yourself buy some flowers you can have a little flower garden!)
3. That I am an emotional and introspective person. That it is OKAY that living on the surface and listening to others go ON and ON about themselves all day without one thought to stop and ask how YOU are doing – agitates you.  It is OKAY that those are not the kindsa people you need to be around. STOP THINKING THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. ACCEPT IT. You are someone who needs a deep connection with someone else.  Stop dwelling in the fact that just because others can talk about nothing – and you can’t – that there is something freakishly wrong with you. It is who you are – ACCEPT IT!!!
4. That my friendships have changed and I don’t have the large circle of friends I once had. KERILYN IT’S OKAY!! It’s OKAY. I know it doesn’t feel okay and you feel (yet again) like there is something wrong with you – there isn’t. Things change – people change – You (Kerilyn) have changed. And in changing yourself so is what you want in your friendships and that means (voila!) your friendships change!!! ACCEPT IT. Doesn’t mean you will be some sort of recluse in your house – watching the dust settle. Just means you need to go out there and find people who need the same things. (I predict you’ll find some of these people when you go to the Life Coaching Weekend in two weeks!)
5. That money comes and money goes. Stop holding on tight to every penny you save. It’s OKAY. I know you’re scared with all the job changes/unemployment.. I know. But it’s OKAY. You’ll have a nice savings by the end of the year – just RELAX and know the tighter you hold onto it – physically and mentally – (like the sad thoughts) the more things will happen so you’ll have to spend that precious savings (like your $700 car repair last week!) LET GO AND ACCEPT IT!
6. That your faith is teeter tottering. It’s OKAY! Alright – you’re not running down the path at full speed .. you’re strolling along in the dark.. but KERILYN!! You’re not giving up.. ACCEPT IT!! Its OKAY!! The sun will come up and You’ll find your stride again – you always do. Find an awesome book or movie – that will re-invigorate you again.. trust that. You are never alone – you know this. Just accept that this is where you are. It’s alright.
7. Ah a tough one – It’s OKAY that you are conflicted about your feelings about getting pregnant. It’s going to happen when it’s supposed to happen. STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT. The more you worry – (like sad thoughts… well you know) and we don’t want that. It’s OKAY that you are feeling all these things – jealous for those who are pregnant/already have children – anxious because you hope there’s nothing wrong with my biology – nostalgic cause you wish you had more time – antsy because you’re not in the job/in the house/have the savings that you wanted to be when you did get pregnant. JUST LET IT GO KERILYN. FOR GODS SAKE – LET IT GO.
8. Another tough one – that you have to start over with your exercise/eating regime. I know you are sad and very mad at yourself that you let yourself go – after all that job stuff.. it’s alright – you did what you had to do but STOP thinking that this is it. LET ME TELL YA GIRLFRIEND… IT ISN’T! You actually could pick up your gym clothes and bring them to work tomorrow and we can get back on track. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. And yea yea.. you can feel blue and depressed that you aren’t where you were and you have to start over.. meh…. at least you know you can do it.. you did it once (twice) you can do it again. NOW DO IT ALREADY.. WILL YA?

Okay there are a few more – and maybe i’ll add them tomorrow.  (or maybe I won’t) It’s late. Time for bed.
Thanks for listening. (or not)
xoxo
Kerilyn

Posted Monday, July 12th, 2010 at 11:29 pm | High Low. Subscribe to the comments RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.