I am a mix of emotions (Don’t worry – I am not going to cry here.. I actually want to laugh in humble amusement and amazement at the Universe! ) I write this as a learning experience.. but before I begin… as I have said before and will probably say a thousand more times..

As you read this KNOW:

1. I am not perfect – I do not have it all figured out.
2. I will never give up trying to figure it out.
3. I SUCK at being objective in the moment. Hear me? SUCK at it. I get all upset (cry) and stomp around.. but after a period of time – usually an hour or two- I snap of it and move on. I am then better at being objective once the wave has passed.
4. YOU are not perfect either – YOU dont’ have it figured out either… You are right there along with me.. doing what you can (or not) to figure it out for yourself.

Oh.. finally:

    5.  (My one small moment of anger) This is MY spot on this blessed internet where I am able to express my feelings, right?  RIGHT? (Answer: Exactly. Yes Kerilyn, it is.)  I pay for the running of this website and the use of this domain name every year… therefore – this is my little spot) If you want to write about how strongly you feel about Fried Watermelon or what have you- Please feel free to create your own spot! Fun for ALL!!! Then I can make my OWN choice to read (or NOT to read) (In the case of Fried Watermelon – No Thanks.) If you do not like what I have to say – I ACCEPT that. (Truly I do – Sincerely.) But it is a CHOICE to read.. to get these emailed to you. If you do not wish to receive them – I am HAPPY to help you make a different choice. But if you DO choose.. KNOW I respect your opinion – But know this is MY spot to share what I want to.. It’s not your choice to tell me what to write.. your ONLY choice is to choose to read or not! (I know a lovely website for Fried Watermelon lovers you might like)

Okay…Deep Breath…

I am in humble amusement… THIS is why the Universe/God is so amazing.. Just when you pray that you want something (Patience/Peace/etc..) God in their infinite wisdom (Or actually – US in our infinate wisdom (sorry speaking to my Auntie there)  has to GIVE you the opposite, or some varying degree of the opposite of what you want just to PUSH you toward making a decision to learn it yourself.. (usually the hard way) WE chose to come here.. WE have to learn this stuff. God isn’t a Fairy Godmother – with a magic wand (Okay sometimes.. but not usually) WE have to make the choice to learn.. it’s why we’re here. (Again – I’m not objective in the moment- I’ve ADMITTED the whoa is me soapbox – but I don’t stand on it forever I tell ya… too much to learn/see/be inspired by in this world)

So what I have to learn is to be OKAY that others do not feel the same or do not accept me or feel comfortable with who I am. Doesn’t mean that my feelings are any less valid. (Thank You Naomi for teaching me that)  Which means that I have been and continually will be faced with others that vehemently do not agree with how I do things. It’s actually becoming amusing.. just in the past few months… I’ve run into this alot. So I thought I’d write out who I am; my previous posts are CLEARLY stating that I am OKAY with who I am. I’m sensitive and emotional. YES, I’m going thru a HUGE shift.. I can FEEL it. I feel I’m being prepared for something HUGE. It’s really all I can tell you or anyone that looks into my little spot of mine. I’m not one for spontaneity; as I’ve already stated… but I am able to express my discomfort of where I’m at. Why does that make so many SO uncomfortable????

I MIGHT NOT LIKE WHERE I’M AT.. BUT I KNOW I’M HERE FOR A REASON.  I CAN FEEL SOMETHING COMING. DOES THAT MEAN THAT I SHOULD I PRETEND THAT I’M NOT UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW?

The reactions I’ve been getting are familiar to me. (Although previously I would have taken them much more personally “What is WRONG with me that I’m so sensitive..etc?)  And I would just BEAT MYSELF UP even more than I usually do. It is what I have dealt with, with most of my close friends in my life – I know I will face this much more in my future  (which is why I need to learn it now) -  so I see this as good practice. I will admit that my first response is like most…anger. Wanting to lash out. But then I remember ‘ I dont’ have it all figured out.. NEITHER do YOU.’  Okay so, you only know what you read/hear… you don’t live my life – So how can I be angry at you? You don’t know of the things I do not write about; for which there are many. You do not know of the moments I am happy (for I try to write those as well.. 3 things 2 things – of which I haven’t done in a while admittedly. Note to self: Get on that girl!!!)

I ask myself over and over again, in my churning – Why is it that people feel comfortable (in their anger) telling me what to do/how to be? Is it because I’m okay with how I feel? I am OKAY that I’m not comfortable?  I KNOW its not forever. I am reminded of most of those that have held STRONG beliefs… in Equal Rights/Saving the Environment.. you pick.. and they are the ones that have been chastized, ridiculed or even killed because they do not Believe what MOST believe.  I’m NO better than anyone else but one example I have in my head is Martin Luther King Jr. I’m SURE he was told that he was crazy – and stupid for believing what he did… threats..etc… But he maintained. I’m NOT saying I’m him. I’m just relating to his being comfortable in his belief when everyone around him isn’t. I am comfortable with what I believe.. who I am.

So with myself standing as firm as I ever have – NOT being afraid for people to leave my life – NOT accepting less than I deserve I say with Love for MYSELF:

If you dont’ like what you see/what you hear… LEAVE. It’s your choice. This is who I am. DEAL. I’m sure my world won’t stop spinning and I’m sure yours won’t either.

And with that said (and believed) I sign off - bidding you a fond adieu.  I vow my next few posts – will consciously focus on those parts of my life that inspire me… make me happy.

Prouder of myself than I EVER have been,
Kerilyn

Posted Monday, April 19th, 2010 at 6:47 pm | High Low. Subscribe to the comments RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.