I heard it once said “When you dont’ know what to do.. do nothing.”
So that is what I’m going to do.

I am taking a break from spilling my life… on Facebook/here.. and in pictures.

I am in the middle of a  huge, life altering storm of sorts.. and it seems the more I spill.. the worse the storm gets.
So I am taking a break from writing/posting/filling in.
Until a time when I understand the consequences of this storm around me.
Because right now, I don’t understand.

So Until the storm passes and I am able to see the way with more clarity.
Take care of yourselves.
Kerilyn

PS: I want to leave this with you – for I feel this is what best expresses where I am and who I am. Please read this and let it sink in.. (My lovely Michelle read this at our wedding. It speaks to my condition.

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

My Auntie resent me my numerology chart that she did for me back in 2006. I think to help me find peace in this phase I’m in. The most challenging part of anything is the not understanding WHY something is the way it is.. As it stands for this extreme sensitivity lately… I wanted to share because as I read… this felt SO right on to me. (Thank You Auntie.. I love you)

2^nd   PINNACLE – NUMBER 7   (AGES 35 – 44)

With a 7 Pinnacle you are in a time of study, research, introspection, or soul development.  Under this Pinnacle, education, scientific interests, study and specialization are not only favored but strongly recommended.  There is a quality of the individualist, separatist and the loner present under this number, and it is a time to be reclusive and focus on the inner landscape.  

Country living is excellent during this period – or anywhere you will have time to learn to be alone, learn about yourself, do research for areas of specialization, learn about mystical thinking, and understand the principles of right living.  This Pinnacle brings much wisdom, and people come to you for your wisdom, because you develop a talent for explaining the unexplainable.  In addition, specialization in a field brings good money.

2^nd CHALLENGE – NUMBER 1

When 1 is your Challenge, you are learning to stand up for yourself, be true to your own beliefs and ideas, be self-reliant and finally find the courage to lead.  You will have test after test to see if you have finally learned to stand firm and not compromise yourself.  It is a time when you are learning to remain true to this self and have self-confidence.

Uh.. HOLY SCHNIKEYS BATMAN!

Brings me peace.
Have a loverly Wednesday.
Much love,
Kerilyn

PS: I submitted my paperwork for July enrollment into the Life Coaching Program. I should know by Friday if I’m in. Please say a prayer. Thank You.

I am a mix of emotions (Don’t worry – I am not going to cry here.. I actually want to laugh in humble amusement and amazement at the Universe! ) I write this as a learning experience.. but before I begin… as I have said before and will probably say a thousand more times..

As you read this KNOW:

1. I am not perfect – I do not have it all figured out.
2. I will never give up trying to figure it out.
3. I SUCK at being objective in the moment. Hear me? SUCK at it. I get all upset (cry) and stomp around.. but after a period of time – usually an hour or two- I snap of it and move on. I am then better at being objective once the wave has passed.
4. YOU are not perfect either – YOU dont’ have it figured out either… You are right there along with me.. doing what you can (or not) to figure it out for yourself.

Oh.. finally:

    5.  (My one small moment of anger) This is MY spot on this blessed internet where I am able to express my feelings, right?  RIGHT? (Answer: Exactly. Yes Kerilyn, it is.)  I pay for the running of this website and the use of this domain name every year… therefore – this is my little spot) If you want to write about how strongly you feel about Fried Watermelon or what have you- Please feel free to create your own spot! Fun for ALL!!! Then I can make my OWN choice to read (or NOT to read) (In the case of Fried Watermelon – No Thanks.) If you do not like what I have to say – I ACCEPT that. (Truly I do – Sincerely.) But it is a CHOICE to read.. to get these emailed to you. If you do not wish to receive them – I am HAPPY to help you make a different choice. But if you DO choose.. KNOW I respect your opinion – But know this is MY spot to share what I want to.. It’s not your choice to tell me what to write.. your ONLY choice is to choose to read or not! (I know a lovely website for Fried Watermelon lovers you might like)

Okay…Deep Breath…

I am in humble amusement… THIS is why the Universe/God is so amazing.. Just when you pray that you want something (Patience/Peace/etc..) God in their infinite wisdom (Or actually – US in our infinate wisdom (sorry speaking to my Auntie there)  has to GIVE you the opposite, or some varying degree of the opposite of what you want just to PUSH you toward making a decision to learn it yourself.. (usually the hard way) WE chose to come here.. WE have to learn this stuff. God isn’t a Fairy Godmother – with a magic wand (Okay sometimes.. but not usually) WE have to make the choice to learn.. it’s why we’re here. (Again – I’m not objective in the moment- I’ve ADMITTED the whoa is me soapbox – but I don’t stand on it forever I tell ya… too much to learn/see/be inspired by in this world)

So what I have to learn is to be OKAY that others do not feel the same or do not accept me or feel comfortable with who I am. Doesn’t mean that my feelings are any less valid. (Thank You Naomi for teaching me that)  Which means that I have been and continually will be faced with others that vehemently do not agree with how I do things. It’s actually becoming amusing.. just in the past few months… I’ve run into this alot. So I thought I’d write out who I am; my previous posts are CLEARLY stating that I am OKAY with who I am. I’m sensitive and emotional. YES, I’m going thru a HUGE shift.. I can FEEL it. I feel I’m being prepared for something HUGE. It’s really all I can tell you or anyone that looks into my little spot of mine. I’m not one for spontaneity; as I’ve already stated… but I am able to express my discomfort of where I’m at. Why does that make so many SO uncomfortable????

I MIGHT NOT LIKE WHERE I’M AT.. BUT I KNOW I’M HERE FOR A REASON.  I CAN FEEL SOMETHING COMING. DOES THAT MEAN THAT I SHOULD I PRETEND THAT I’M NOT UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW?

The reactions I’ve been getting are familiar to me. (Although previously I would have taken them much more personally “What is WRONG with me that I’m so sensitive..etc?)  And I would just BEAT MYSELF UP even more than I usually do. It is what I have dealt with, with most of my close friends in my life – I know I will face this much more in my future  (which is why I need to learn it now) -  so I see this as good practice. I will admit that my first response is like most…anger. Wanting to lash out. But then I remember ‘ I dont’ have it all figured out.. NEITHER do YOU.’  Okay so, you only know what you read/hear… you don’t live my life – So how can I be angry at you? You don’t know of the things I do not write about; for which there are many. You do not know of the moments I am happy (for I try to write those as well.. 3 things 2 things – of which I haven’t done in a while admittedly. Note to self: Get on that girl!!!)

I ask myself over and over again, in my churning – Why is it that people feel comfortable (in their anger) telling me what to do/how to be? Is it because I’m okay with how I feel? I am OKAY that I’m not comfortable?  I KNOW its not forever. I am reminded of most of those that have held STRONG beliefs… in Equal Rights/Saving the Environment.. you pick.. and they are the ones that have been chastized, ridiculed or even killed because they do not Believe what MOST believe.  I’m NO better than anyone else but one example I have in my head is Martin Luther King Jr. I’m SURE he was told that he was crazy – and stupid for believing what he did… threats..etc… But he maintained. I’m NOT saying I’m him. I’m just relating to his being comfortable in his belief when everyone around him isn’t. I am comfortable with what I believe.. who I am.

So with myself standing as firm as I ever have – NOT being afraid for people to leave my life – NOT accepting less than I deserve I say with Love for MYSELF:

If you dont’ like what you see/what you hear… LEAVE. It’s your choice. This is who I am. DEAL. I’m sure my world won’t stop spinning and I’m sure yours won’t either.

And with that said (and believed) I sign off - bidding you a fond adieu.  I vow my next few posts – will consciously focus on those parts of my life that inspire me… make me happy.

Prouder of myself than I EVER have been,
Kerilyn

I am totally serious with you all.. I have been a crying mush lately… I would say seven times today I was within varying degrees of teary-ness. Between just busting out with the stingy nose… all the way to having to wipe away tears flowing down my face…what was it? oh I don’t know.. a song.. a moment on the TV… thinking of missing my grandparents… talking to K about not being where I want to be…really enjoying spending Saturday cleaning and listening to music.. who knows!  ugh.

Okay I’m usually a mush… but this is abnormal. Seriously. I have been crying SO much lately… I have no idea what is going on but something is going on. I can feel it.

I feel like something is shifting inside and around me. again. (Uh.. hello Train Conductor/God? Can I get off at this stop? I’ve been riding this dang train for QUITE some time and I’m ready to get off; and STAY ON something solid that won’t move for a LONG time. Sigh.

i mean i need to go easy on myself.. as peter says ‘i have had a LOT going on in that head of yours.’ (God bless him for knowing me like he does)

I just want stability. I think it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I am ready to GO somewhere and put down roots.. one place.. to start my family… Nest. I am a creature of habit.. it’s where I’m most happy. Doing the same thing… It’s where focus and mindfulness come from for me. I’m not one to try something new. That mixed with my newly found revelation of the qualities of Sensitive Souls.. my yearning for alone time (and quiet time) makes sense.

I’m NOT trying to be whoa is me.. but I’ve given it some thought… Since I’ve moved here to DC.. I have not had much to any stability. Here’s a timeline for ya. ( Allow little wiggle room for small shifts in accuracy – Feel pretty confident about Months.)

October 1999 – Moved from Savannah,GA to Shirlington  – in with Kristine T.
November 1999 – Re-met Peter after 3.5 years – we started dating (he was in NJ)
January 2000 - Laid Off (BBGM)
TWO WEEKS UNEMPLOYED
February 2000 – Started Forrest Perkins
September 2000 - Moved onto E. Glendale Ave (Del Ray)
October 2000 – Peter moved to D.C
July 2001 – Laid Off (Forrest Perkins)
SIX MONTHS UNEMPLOYED – I do NOT know how I did it. God was helping – Had SERIOUS growth in my faith/Spirituality during this time.
January 2002 – Broke up with Peter/he moved out
January 2002 - Started at KCCT
PETER AND I ON AND OFF
August 2003 - Laid off (KCCT)
ONE AND HALF MONTHS UNEMPLOYED
October 2003 – Started at Interspec Consulting (yuck – this was NOT the right fit)
February 2004 – QUIT Interspec without another job. (Again.. NOT the right fit)
May 2004 – Started Omnifics (Haworth Systems Furniture doing sales – Kerilyn is NO saleswoman!)
September 2004 – (I think) – Moved out of E. Glendale and onto S. Hudson St next to Naomi
September 30, 2005 – I bought my first Car (My loverly VW Jetta that I love – 5 payments left as of May 1st!!!)
November 2005 – Quit Omnifics (Wanted to go back into Design)
November 2005 – Started Atlantic Corporate Interiors (ACI – Teknion – doing design.. okay now we’re onto something  BUT I was driving 70 miles a day to/from work.. after a year I put 20,000 on my new (to me) car.)
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BUYING MY CAR AND FEBRUARY 2006 – I TOLD PETER I WAS MOVING ON.
February 2006 – Met Kevin
August 2006 – Quit ACI (Found a job locally!!!)
August 26, 2006 – Started at Chasen’s Business Interiors (Herman Miller – LOVED it..!!! A HA! Now I’m onto something.. I’m staying here FOREVER!!!)
April 2007 – Moved OUT of house at 100 S. Hudson and (Strangely) BACK into my same apartment on E. Glendale (I should have NEVER MOVED OUT!! I loved my apartment – ugh)
November 2007 - Told Peter I wanted to be with Kevin. I quote “If you call me, I won’t answer.. if you email me I won’t reply, if you text me I won’t respond.”
January 2008 – Kevin and I moved in together. (I gave it 1000000%)
SAD SAD SAD SAD SAD – NOT WORKING
April 26ish?-May 2ndish? 2008 – Reconnected with Peter (Thanks Kristine)/ Broke up with Kevin (VERY CONFUSING TIME – What an F’ed up situation!!!!
May 2008 - Go to Kristines wedding – Peter surprises me and shows up! (uh.. still LIVING with Kevin. Stuck in Lease till December 2008)
June 26,2008 – Peter asks me to marry him.
May-July 2008 – Tried making the best out of the fact that I had to stay in that house with Kevin.. Stayed there 2-3 nites a week… Got TOO hard.
August 2008 – Moved ALL my stuff to the Basement of the house and moved most of my daily stuff to Peters.. moved in with him.
December 2008 – Move my stuff out of the house – that’s done. (Thank God – that six month period of time was one of the hardest of my life – emotionally)
PLANNING WEDDING – SEPTEMBER 26, 2009
January 19,2009 – Naomi and I end up going separate ways.. wow. I wasn’t expecting that one.. but okay.
July 2, 2009 – All employees at Chasens found out we weren’t getting paid next day.. something wrong. Conference call Monday after 4th of July Weekend.
2 OF THE SCARIEST/CONFUSING WEEKS OF MY LIFE – FOUND OUT COMPANY HAS FINANCIAL ERROR – GOING BANKRUPT!!!!!!
July 20, 2009 - Handed in my Keys.. Last Day at Chasens.. (Haven’t been paid since June 29th.)
THANK GOD I GOT UNEMPLOYMENT – BUT STILL.. TWO DAMN MONTHS BEFORE MY WEDDING!!! (Makes me cry thinking about this…I loved my job…okay 8 times today now I’m crying.. ugh stop leaking kerilyn!)
August 31-Sept 4th – Sister and friends surprise me and take me to Savannah for weekend (Would’ve been nicer if I had a job… kinda a crazy weekend)
September 25-October 1st - Peter and I get married!!! We had to cancel our original dream trip to Italy cause of losing my job so we drove to Charleston – It was just nice to get away.
December 31st, 2009 – Turn 35 ( Still unemployed, Sick and by myself because Peter was working.. NOT the way I wanted to ring in turning 35)
January 18th, 2010 - First day at Supply Source (thank GOD I work with some of the same people from Chasens… my ONLY saving grace! No really. That and 2 weeks after I started they moved from D.C. to Arlington,VA so I still have a 10 minute commute – And I have been able to pay back wedding debt/save!)

Can you really see how ALL I want is to be ONE PLACE? It makes me get choked up for the 9th time today to think how DESPARATE I feel for this. Stability. Does reading this make things a little easier to see? Just how what I’ve always wanted is to remain in one place and that is NOT what has happened. (For the record – those jobs I quit.. It didn’t feel right..crazy bosses.. and long commutes…but I still was searching for someplace I felt Safe.. which was Chasens (I would never have left) . Last weekend when my dear friend Kriss and her love Jeff got married – I met up with my old friend Heather.. she has a 2 yr old.. lives on this 24 acre farm.. I asked her if she ever had plans to move to which she said “nope.. we are here to stay.” I found myself jealous and sad (Ugh I cried on the way home to Peter of course). It’s what I want.. that knowing that Everything isn’t going to change one year, two years from now… Sigh.. I feel so sad about this.

So eyes – keep on crying. I’m doing my best to have hope to find roots this year. I will find out by next Wednesday if I am enrolled in the Life Coaching Program (fingers crossed people PLEASE!) and who knows how long it will take Peter and myself to find a job out of this area (Either Charleston, SC or Brooklyn, NYC bound!) Who knows.. I’m predicting the fall. So Endure this information overload job I will…. crying all the way home.

Thanks for enduring this post. HA!
Love,
Kerilyn

whew.. without getting into it… life has been a bit turbulent. Unfortunately in the event of unexpected turbulence.. I do not have my safety belt fastened … shoot I don’t even HAVE a safety belt! In a few words… work is constant information overload and I have moments when my brain/and my capacity to handle twenty things at one time becomes too much  which has recently had me bumping up against the similiar topic from my last posting….Living in the world being a sensitive person. Have been challenged lately to find a way to deal.. in the moment. 

I really read this yesterday and I have to say it helped me 1. not feel crazy 2. not feel like a freak and 3. find a sense of peace… solace. And I just wanted to share…

 Are you Highly Sensitive?

By Jenna Avery, CLC,
Life Coach for Sensitive Souls

Do you often feel overwhelmed by your environment or the people around you? Has anyone ever called you shy – or worse: “too sensitive”? Do you care deeply about EVERYTHING? You may be a highly sensitive soul – a person of deep empathy and high intensity, with powerful intuition, awareness, and intelligence.

Being highly sensitive, you have a uniquely perceptive sensory system. You are therefore more sensitive to emotions, energy, environmental conditions such as lighting or sound, other people, excitement, and stress. As a result of constant stimuli, you may feel easily overwhelmed or unable to cope. Things can be particularly confusing when others seem unperturbed by the same experiences. For example, your friends might be able to shop all day, go out to dinner, and then head to a loud party. For you, that would be unbearable.

Research psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You , has studied high sensitivity extensively. Her research shows that being sensitive is a personality temperament or trait, one usually inherited. According to Dr. Aron, up to 20% of the population is highly sensitive.

How To Tell If You Are Highly Sensitive

Being highly sensitive comes with a number of gifts, as well as challenges. See if any of these highly sensitive qualities resonate strongly with you.

1. You are deeply affected by all aspects of your life.
As a sensitive soul, you have great emotional passion, intensity, and depth. You may have been told that your emotions are “too much.” You are sensitive, caring, and easily affected by the energy and emotions of others. These qualities make it easy to lose touch with your needs and desires.

2. You have heightened perceptive skills.
A sensitive soul is intuitive, highly aware, and keenly observant of the subtleties of your environment, including energy, light, noise, smell, texture, and temperature. You may also be empathic or even psychic. Your perceptive skills operate in the physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual realms. You tie together things you see into complex and original concepts. This makes you a visionary.

3. You have a lower tolerance for stimulation than others.
Because you receive so much information from your surroundings, your threshold for what’s “too much” is significantly lower than for those around you. This means: a) You may be seen as shy or timid; and b) You may feel uncomfortably dissimilar to others because you respond so differently to stimulation.

4. You are highly conscientious and thorough in all your undertakings.
A sensitive soul makes a great employee. You concentrate intensely and process multi-source information deeply. However, you require privacy, uninterrupted time, and little or no pressure in order to do your best work.

5. You have a strong relationship with aesthetics and art.
As a highly sensitive soul, you have a passion for beauty, art, and aesthetics. You may be highly artistic and creative yourself. You easily create beauty and comfort. Seeing things “out of alignment” can actually be physically or psychically distressing.

6. Your inner life is just as intriguing and inspiring as your outer life.
You likely have a rich, complex inner life and are highly imaginative. You may find it challenging to connect to “real world” priorities and realities.

7. You absolutely require private time alone in order to feel replenished.
Up to 70% of highly sensitive souls are introverted. But even extroverted sensitives need downtime to rejuvenate, often in a darkened, quiet room.

8. You have a strong spiritual connection and depth.
If you are highly sensitive, you experience a profound spiritual connection with the divine and/or spiritual realm. You “see” a lot in what appears common. Because of this you may feel impatient with the truly mundane.

Learning To Thrive: What You Need

Learning to thrive as a highly sensitive soul presents challenges. If you’re sensitive, you have likely accumulated years of training in trying to overcome the trait because you don’t “fit in” with society. And yet being highly sensitive is a vital part of you.

A first step toward thriving as a sensitive soul is to understand and accept your trait. Hear this now: There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are just different. As one of my clients says, being highly sensitive is both a gift and a responsibility.

Sensitive souls require regular self-care, meaningful work, and supportive relationships. There are books, websites, web-based communities, and teleconference gatherings on the subject. Connecting with like-minded souls is often deeply healing for sensitive persons.

As you begin to manage your life in a way that truly works for you, you will trust the power and gift of your sensitivity, and be inspired to share your much-needed wisdom with the world.