hi there everyone…

figured i’d write.. I have NOT been feeling very chatty or social lately. feel very sensitive and weepy lately. i don’t know what exactly is happening… I wish I did. I can’t seem to pull myself out of this. My job is extremely stressful – everyday is an all day challenge to see it as “just a job” – just to bring in money to pay off my debt and then SAVE for the future.  I usually start the day out feeling somewhat strong and end up leaving feeling discouraged and panicky.  I try to see this period of my life as temporary — but well.. I guess the truth to my sadness is. I don’t see anything changing and I want to so badly. Every day seems the same… everyday of feeling overwhelmed and not knowing what to do or who to turn to to help change it. I have been trying to take the next step with regard to the Married to a Chef website (trying to reach out to someone in Restaurant Industry PR to get advice) but so far it has not been successful to connect/meet with her.) And truthfully – I am so exhausted from work at the end of the day that I have not had much energy to devote to much else. Many will call this depression and I guess to some degree it is – but to me this is my souls call for help. Do I know what I want? YES.  I just don’t know HOW to do it.

And then there’s the fact that I’m not alone in what I want to do. It’s been so interesting (challenging is more like it)  lately just to realize how Peter and I have been  so independent most of our lives that it’s been challenging to come  together and work as a team. We both do things very differently and it’s been eye opening (and a little disheartening) to try to get us to both look in the same direction). Peter focuses on today/now/lives in the moment; he’s spontaneous and I am long term vision… keeping my eye on the prize.. planning and saving($) and working backward toward my goal. Together we do bring balance to each other but we are both still LEARNING how to find that balance.  It makes me panic – I try SO hard (my issue) to see how his living for today is something I NEED to learn.. but it’s not a comfortable place for me to live. And for Peter – he is NOT a planner.. he lives for today – He realizes how my looking ahead is valuable to achieving our goals.. but again… it is NOT a natural way for him to think. We need to be gentle on each other, this is about change.. and it’s not immediate and I think that’s another thing that makes me feel melancholy. (NOTE: Me saying this does NOT mean that we are on unstable ground. We just got married – we are making big decisions (like trying to start a family/move/change careers for me) about our lives and therefore it is natural that we are going to bump up against these natural ways of doing things)

Do I know that I should exercise? yes. I know it will help. Why am I not? I don’t know… I really don’t know.

Do I know that I need to get back to meditation? Yes.

Do I know ….. (you get my point)

It takes a lot of energy to focus on JUST what’s in front of me instead of living for the future. Again this is not a natural way of doing things for me.  I think that’s why I am quiet more – wanting to just lay low… not really expose my inner feelings (uh like I did here? ha) to everyone. I’m sure that change is happening… a more INNER change. I guess I want the inner change to match what I want for outer change. I can tell I’ve changed a bit in my philosophy over the past 2 years.. living my life based on what I deserve.. and not accepting less. (EVEN if it means that I have to make tough decisions) Well I still am working on things.. and this is where I am.

I am hopeful. I don’t know how things are going to play out but I will tell you I will never give up.  I want to continually learn and grow.. and sometimes growing is NOT always fun.

Love you all,
Kerilyn