I’m angry.

I know – such a shift in topics from yesterday but I gotta say something to everyone who reads this.

I had an experience last nite that was very familiar… left me feeling defeated and confused and as I was walking away.  It hit me – I realized just how often I’ve walked away from this same situation with different people.  So I want to say this for the record – I am saying this for ME… to clear something up for those who might need to understand who I am.

Who I am….

- Even though I am VERY open with my feelings (sadness/confusion/happiness/etc..) does NOT mean that I am not strong.

- Wow – Just because I might become weepy over something that is overwhelming to me – does NOT mean I am not strong.  I am aware that most (99.999%) of people in this land try to HIDE by using humor or other unhealthy vices to show their confusion. I DO NOT. I would rather show you how I REALLY feel than to pretend to be someone I’m not.

- I have been thru a LOT in my life and am pretty damn proud of how far I’ve come.

- I am the kind of person who is always WANTING to learn. I’M NEVER EVER GOING TO RUN AWAY FROM THAT.  It so much has to do with my faith. Yes, my faith in God, Reincarnation,etc…) One way I learn is by being interested in (and learning from) the perspective from those around me.. I believe that I am inside the circle looking out and those closest to me are outside the circle looking in and in that.. is an opportunity to learn and grow. Like a student – I ask questions about others perspective of me – just to see where I can grow.

- And on that note -  JUST because I am open to hearing what others perspective is.. – DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM RELYING ON OTHERS TO TELL ME WHO I AM AND WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO ‘FIX’ THE SITUATION I’M DISCUSSING.  To the contrary – I believe I have worked hard to know my preferences – what I like and what I don’t like… and JUST because I ASK someone else to tell me what they see – does NOT MEAN that I don’t know what I believe. (Wow – If I’m asking you what you see because I believe I have something to learn – NOT because I’m flailing out there wondering what I’m doing and that I want you to come in and rescue me – I don’t. I’ll ASK you if I need help.. I’m pretty articulate and can express when I am needing help.)

- I am not perfect. NEVER will be. I am always growing and learning – experiencing. (uh what do you think Ancora Imparo means?) I do not think I’m better than anyone else nor do I think anyone else is better than me. I’m still working on things – I am not going to pretend that I have it all figured out – I know you don’t (have it all figured out) I just want to show others that I’m still working on me.. and not being afraid of that.

- I believe everything is relative. I don’t live in your shoes… I have not witnessed behind your eyes. It’s WHY I know I can learn from you. Maybe you have experienced something and have wisdom about something that I haven’t learned yet.. I want to ask you about it. I want to “dive in” (where do you think I’ve come up with the term “Swimming in the Deep End”… I’m always wanting to learn.

- I am GENUINELY INTERESTED IN WHO YOU ARE.. WHAT MADE YOU WHO YOU ARE.. HOW YOU THINK.  I don’t have a hidden agenda except to know you. (Again it’s where my faith comes in.. I believe we are all God – why wouldn’t I want to know another part of God)

- And again – I believe that God is NOT JUST IN CHURCH. God is you, and me, my kitty cat, the sun, the leaves.. the sparkles on the water… and I want to touch all of that. I am not afraid.

- Okay talking about being afraid – YES – there are things that scare me… I am not comfortable with spontaneity, I don’t like the Dark or Scary Movies. Because of my experiences in my life – I have this need to want to feel in control. When I feel out of control – I kinda panic. Then I get weepy.. STILL doesn’t mean I want you to FIX ME.  I know myself enough to know when I just need to get it out.

I need to say this.. I needed to get this out. Just in the past week I have heard from three different people somehow that my caring for others.. or my yearning to know about your perspective, what makes you tick has somehow turned into something that makes others uncomfortable and therefore they lash out at me. Usually sounds like “You think too much” or “Why are you upset for me?” or just wanting to tell me how I can fix the situation i’m in.. like last nite.

NO. I want to know you.. know your soul.. I don’t want to judge a book by it’s cover. I want to know the sadness behind your eyes… behind your uncomfortable laugh… I want to dive in and READ. I feel for you. I want to feel for you. It’s NOT because I don’t think I’m STRONG. At the same time  – I KNOW what I’m doing. I’m purposefully ask questions and want to know.

My friend years ago told me that I “lay down my cards too fast”… Yep.. that’s me. Just look around you.. Do you really think that living with your cards up has worked for you to now? My friend Marc wrote a post yesterday.. it resonated with me.. it inspired me. He wasn’t “afraid” to express how he really feels. I’m the same. It makes me sad that most people don’t understand that…. that they WANT to hide their inner feelings because they think it will keep them safer. I say to them – EVERYTHING has to come out somehow.. in some fashion.. Food, Drugs,Alcohol. I choose to NOT do that and to just be up front with my feelings.

Does that make me different from most? I guess so. But then again – I’ve never met another Kerilyn before, have you?

UPDATE: 3.26.10

Upon more reflection… a few more things I know about myself:

 - I think too much. I KNOW THIS. If you knew how many times others have told me that I think too much, even my husband… I’d be rich.
I call it ‘churn churn churn’ in my head…. because it’s like making butter. There IS a purpose to my churning… (ah.. butter and everyone LOVES butter, yes?)
I’ve been this way all my life. Is it good? no. Is it bad? no. It just is who I am. WITH THAT SAID……

 - I AM VERY WELL AWARE that because I 1. think too much (churn churn churn) and 2. am not necessarily spontaneous MEANS that I have a hard time living in the moment. STOPPING the churning and just BEING. I KNOW THIS ABOUT MYSELF. I’M NOT OBLIVIOUS. (It actually makes me laugh when others talk to me as if I am oblivious to this fact). My beloved Auntie whom I adore once told me back in 2004 (I remember it vividly – She flew in from Phoenix, AZ to be with my mom who was having serious back surgery and staying in my house) she said “Ya know.. your house is filled with all this inspiration.. these quotes etc… but you do not live what you believe.” It hit me… SHES RIGHT. I know this about myself. It’s something I’m working on. I DO NOT HAVE THIS FIGURED OUT AT ALL. It’s something that is NOT familiar or natural for me..  but I promise I will never give up trying to figure this out.

Do I wish that I was more go with the flow? Yes (and no) I do most everything with purpose. Does it prevent me from really enjoying what’s around me? Yes. AGAIN – I”M WORKING ON THIS.  (Again – because I can see what I need to work on doesn’t mean I’m weak.)

Side note: I get these inspirational quotes to my inbox everyday “A Note from the Universe“ : Strangely this was todays and it brought tears to my eyes as soon as I read it (surprised? me? getting weepy? hilarious)  I try to lead by example.. to show others to NOT be afraid of their feelings.. to learn to be more comfortable with “diving” in… (True not everyone is on that path – Blessings to those!)  So reading this was really like God answering my plea…

You know what else is kind of wild? Just as this need arose, simultaneously, all over the world, there have appeared the greatest teachers, though in far smaller numbers, who have ever graced your plane. Those who are actually living these truths, leading with the example of their lives, and healing those in need through simple conversation.  

Want to know what’s even more unbelievable? That you sometimes consider yourself more of the student.

All bow,
    The Universe

Anyhoo…. Have a great weekend and I hope this helps you understand who’s behind typing all these words.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
Much Love,
Kerilyn

hi there everyone…

figured i’d write.. I have NOT been feeling very chatty or social lately. feel very sensitive and weepy lately. i don’t know what exactly is happening… I wish I did. I can’t seem to pull myself out of this. My job is extremely stressful – everyday is an all day challenge to see it as “just a job” – just to bring in money to pay off my debt and then SAVE for the future.  I usually start the day out feeling somewhat strong and end up leaving feeling discouraged and panicky.  I try to see this period of my life as temporary — but well.. I guess the truth to my sadness is. I don’t see anything changing and I want to so badly. Every day seems the same… everyday of feeling overwhelmed and not knowing what to do or who to turn to to help change it. I have been trying to take the next step with regard to the Married to a Chef website (trying to reach out to someone in Restaurant Industry PR to get advice) but so far it has not been successful to connect/meet with her.) And truthfully – I am so exhausted from work at the end of the day that I have not had much energy to devote to much else. Many will call this depression and I guess to some degree it is – but to me this is my souls call for help. Do I know what I want? YES.  I just don’t know HOW to do it.

And then there’s the fact that I’m not alone in what I want to do. It’s been so interesting (challenging is more like it)  lately just to realize how Peter and I have been  so independent most of our lives that it’s been challenging to come  together and work as a team. We both do things very differently and it’s been eye opening (and a little disheartening) to try to get us to both look in the same direction). Peter focuses on today/now/lives in the moment; he’s spontaneous and I am long term vision… keeping my eye on the prize.. planning and saving($) and working backward toward my goal. Together we do bring balance to each other but we are both still LEARNING how to find that balance.  It makes me panic – I try SO hard (my issue) to see how his living for today is something I NEED to learn.. but it’s not a comfortable place for me to live. And for Peter – he is NOT a planner.. he lives for today – He realizes how my looking ahead is valuable to achieving our goals.. but again… it is NOT a natural way for him to think. We need to be gentle on each other, this is about change.. and it’s not immediate and I think that’s another thing that makes me feel melancholy. (NOTE: Me saying this does NOT mean that we are on unstable ground. We just got married – we are making big decisions (like trying to start a family/move/change careers for me) about our lives and therefore it is natural that we are going to bump up against these natural ways of doing things)

Do I know that I should exercise? yes. I know it will help. Why am I not? I don’t know… I really don’t know.

Do I know that I need to get back to meditation? Yes.

Do I know ….. (you get my point)

It takes a lot of energy to focus on JUST what’s in front of me instead of living for the future. Again this is not a natural way of doing things for me.  I think that’s why I am quiet more – wanting to just lay low… not really expose my inner feelings (uh like I did here? ha) to everyone. I’m sure that change is happening… a more INNER change. I guess I want the inner change to match what I want for outer change. I can tell I’ve changed a bit in my philosophy over the past 2 years.. living my life based on what I deserve.. and not accepting less. (EVEN if it means that I have to make tough decisions) Well I still am working on things.. and this is where I am.

I am hopeful. I don’t know how things are going to play out but I will tell you I will never give up.  I want to continually learn and grow.. and sometimes growing is NOT always fun.

Love you all,
Kerilyn

Hi everybody -

I need your help. I was sitting here on the couch a few minutes ago – watching last weeks  Episode of Private Practice – thinking about HOW I’m going to get thru tomorrow (Work is getting REALLY crazy busy – and I am the only official designer and too many projects with insane deadlines to do – and EVERYONE is looking at me for an answer – I predict that tomorrow I’m going to have every single person at my job ask  me for direction. It’s exactly the kind of thing that makes me PANIC. I’m sitting here trying my best to focus on the long term goal ($$$ and Moving and starting family and etc…) but I’m sorta stuck in feeling panicky about the short term. I do NOT know how to come up with the solution for the fact that I am only ONE person. It’s freaking me out.  I’ve been  stressed out – and snappy with Peter – and unable to really relax – ever since I started this job – then it hit me… I need to ask you for help.

Ugh – I need you. I don’t know how I’m going to get thru this. (No.. I’m NOT at the end of my rope – I just have never had to seek solutions for so many people – with so much information – clients depending on us to get this done. I won’t lie that I kinda feel like I don’t have the skills to manage. I do feel overwhelmed.

I feel like I can’t really be able to receive help without telling you what I need. I need some sort of Big Picture focus.. like a mantra to get me thru this challenge.

That’s what this is – a challenge. Maybe it’s a challenge because it’s teaching me to see what it takes to really manage. When I am the spokesperson for Married to a Chef and I perhaps will need to be directing other people… I have a feeling I might need to know what I’m starting to learn now. Management.

Does this new experience make me nervous? Yes. It pushes on my fears. Big time.

But there is a part of me that knows that I’m learning something…

That’s why I’m reaching out.

Do any of you have management or any sort of advice I can use to get thru tomorrow.
I’d really appreciate it.
Thanks guys.
Kerilyn

PS: GREAT GREAT GREAT OVER THE MOON NEWS!!!! My girlfriend since I was 17 years old – Kyra – she and her boyfriend Dave welcomed a little girl into their family today! YAY Kyra!!! It definitely blows my mind. When I heard from Dave today – tears flowed from my eyes – I’m sad I am not close to see how Beautiful Kyra looks.. to meet their little girl (Her name is Indira Skye which I think is a BEAUTIFUL name!!) Even now thinking about my good friend… holding her daughter – makes me get choked up a bit. Sniff.

Thanks to my girl Kyra who passed along The Happy Award to me.. I am flattered she gave this to me. I will admit being happy hasn’t been so free flowing lately.  The job has been really challenging and I have been consumed with trying to understand the way it works. (in reality it’s realizing just how much it’s not working) But gratefully the end of this past week – We started to see a shift, toward teamwork and the extreme need for process… I left Friday actually feeling happy. So I think that’s why I am able to now write.

So here we go; 10 things that make me happy:

1. Waking up on Sundays when Peter is off, and we have no plans. Coffee – Sunday Morning Edition. Love it.
2. Waking up on a school day and my husband is laying next to me and my Pez girl is laying between my feet. My family.
3. Getting my nails done – wearing my favorite color nail polish called “Friar Friar, Pants on Fire”
4. Zinnias and Ranunculus Flowers – having them in my space when I walk by
5. Thinking of all the wonderful possibilities of where I might be come this December.
6. Lobster Bisque soup at Carsyle
   
7. Peters Chili and Split Pea soup – YUM!
8. Going to sleep with new sheets on the bed
9. Getting a package or letter in the mail from someone I know!
10. Although I know I am not perfect (never will be) – being really proud of myself that I am always wanting to learn about myself and how I interact with others and the world.

Awesome – I can go on… that makes me happy.

My sister came over this morning; we had a good heart to heart today. I am proud of her. She drove away and I felt like she really is taking stock and trying to look at the scary parts inside. I wanted to say to her – I see it. and I’m proud of what I see. Keep it up Kristine! I believe in you!!!

Wow… Life has been  kinda amazing lately. Everyone around me  is growing… changing.. transforming.. And what I see feels so good. Having Babies… working on  their businesses… facing their fears… making future plans.  It truly feels like change is going on all around  me. Feels like everyone is feeling the same way I am. That this year is about change… evolution. I am really grateful to sit by and watch my loved ones transform before my eyes. I am in awe and thankful for the opportunity to be a part. Wow.  It’s blowing my mind.

Things are  changing for me too. I am on the cusp of something totally different. I am married – I am totally in love with Peter… more now than ever. We look at each other and really are  excited about where we are.  I can only speak for myself… but I feel the best I have in my entire life.  It’s not an outer happiness… but more an inner one. I feel I’m not seeking the same outward approval from  friends and family that I might have in the past. Peter and I are just in this little bubble of time and space together. Loving being with each other.. being in love… and at the same time.. loving our individual identities which brings us balance. He  is not a planner and I am not spontaneous.  He helps me and I help him. A team. I will not lie – not having a job put added stress on us but at the same time it made us really focus on each other.. not on what we could give each other materially to make us happy.  Now that we are getting back on track financially – we are beginning  to talk about our plans… to start our family… to relocate to someplace and put down roots… me and my dream to become a Life Coach and launch my Idea.  This job – my job – is a starting point. The way in which our plans will happen. It is no  longer an avenue for my life.. just the path to my destination. I feel really good about where we are. I’m proud of myself. and Excited for Peter and I… to see what takes shape in the next 12 months.

(*But I will say – I am SO GRATEFUL that I work with 6 other people from my previous job – How many people have that opportunity? Not many. I feel like although I lost the job I loved; I  had a chance to really evaluate what it was that made me happy with it… and now that i see what ‘it’  really is… (just a job) I go back to it with some of the same players. What a miracle that is.)

Monday Morning – SO excited to go to work – my first official day with my shorter hair cut. Like this transition most of us are in – cutting my hair was a symbolic liberation of the past 3 years of experiences. It feels so good – I am excited to do it and to see myself differently!

This weekends weather – especially Sunday – was beautiful. Not having to bundle up in my usual coat and scarf… to feel less constricted. I love it and am almost giddy to experience spring!

Alright – Off into the  wild blue yonder today. Have  a  great day!
Much Love -
Kerilyn