alright already… let’s get on with it.

I’m talking about the fact that between getting ill on Friday which kept me home bound all weekend.. and the never ending snowfall which then led to the past 4 days in the house… my thoughts are really doing a doosy on me. Idle down time (added to the past 6 months of down time) is not doing much for my thoughts.

Kinda like quicksand my thoughts are lately and I find myself stuck in them.

Stuck in this moment in my life. SO anxious for something new and fresh (my 2010 word) but before this occurs, I need to do some serious housecleaning… I need to STAY in the place I am a little while longer.. put in some elbow grease (you’ve heard that phrase before right? elbow grease?) fix it up so I can get rid of it and move ON!

Instead.. I just feel stuck .More like procrastinating maybe? I don’t know what’s keeping me from actually making the changes so I can feel like I’m making forward motion… fear? self pity? A little bit of both?

Sigh…I just got off the phone with my girl Michelle… in our swimming in the deep end reminded me that I am the only one that can get me to the next step. I know this.. I just don’t know why I’d rather sit here.. being blue.  It’s really bugging me and I know I need to do something about it.

My current employment does NOT make me feel comfortable. The past 4 days I have not slept well. Go back in time.. you remember when you were in college and you had the nervous butterflies because you had a exam the next day or a paper due or even more… your deadline for your Studio project! (eww) that weird flurry of  “Can I get this done in time? Will the teacher like this? Will I pass this class? Have I studied enough?” …so you feel panicky? This weird feeling in your stomach that a LOT is riding on you and you could get in trouble if you don’t do it right.  That’s how I feel. I unfortunately feel the same way I felt years ago.. when I knew I was not in the right place in my career. It made me panic. I started getting really panicky at my job.  I wake up in the middle of the night the past few nights…thinking of all the things that I have to do.. or be responsible for.. and how this is SO far from what I thought I was going to be doing that I don’t even know where to begin. And the saddest part is I say… “You’re doing this for the money.” And I know that.. but it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know if I’m doing it right… and it is an uncomfortable feeling to sit with.

Sometimes.. although it’s not beneficial to us.. we don’t study at all because we’re SO overwhelmed with the amount of information we have to know? Have you ever done this?  Or we give up and say we’re going to ‘wing’ it.. just to SEE if we pass?

I know this uncomfortable feeling is good as well. It helps me focused on the future of doing what I need to do so I do not feel this way anymore. And I can tell you it’s helped me face my fears and try to take a small step in the direction in where I want to go. I feel antsy though… I want to already be there.. and I have to sit on my hands and know that with everything else in my life..things take their own time. I can’t rush this weird uncomfortable phase.. who knows what else is setting itself up nicely on the path to where I want to be..while I’m focusing on the uncomfortable part ya know?

But I feel like the spoiled child a bit.. not getting what she wants so I just sit on the couch and sulk.

I feel angry at life that I lost the job I loved.. and didn’t have the finances for my dream honeymoon…and now that I have another job.. it’s not what I want.. and well.. I’m angry and pouty about that.

Does that make me totally selfish? I don’t know. I don’t like that I’m in this place. It doesn’t feel right. I don’t know – though – how to necessarily get out of this…

I want to be exercising.. with spring and open windows.. I want to wake up to a job where I make a difference and regular date nites with my husband so we can go out and have fun. I want to wear fun dresses and go dancing (No retro music please)

I have been on hold since last july.. I am READY to GO!!!!! Move away.. do it!

All in due time Kerilyn… all in due time.

Well….  (I stick my tongue out) waah to that.

Tomorrow I will go back to work officially. Then it will be Valentines Day weekend. The one weekend for a significant other in the restaurant industry – that SUCKS.  Peter works all day and I have to volunteer.  This might be (will most likely be) the last Valentines day that will be just he and I… I’d like to make it nice… Bleh.. who knows.

Please bear with me people.. I’m really just venting today… I know that Change is inevitable..I just gotta sit tight. Waa Hoo!!!

Much Love,
Kerilyn

Posted Thursday, February 11th, 2010 at 4:52 pm | High Low. Subscribe to the comments RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.