Thank God it’s over.

That’s all i can say. wow. I am SO happy to report that as of Monday I join the workforce again, in the same vein as my last…Designer for another Herman Miller Dealership .

this has been a very strange week for me to say the least. I cannot tell you the sequence of events without sharing my feelings and experiences (and you say.. oh no.. not Kerilyn sharing her feelings again) yep.. get over it or stop reading.

a horrible interview on Tuesday (after many reschedulings) that i will honestly say lead me to come face to face with considering to no longer believing that Everything Happens for a Reason. Walking out of that interview.. I had NO other ideas for jobs.. NO other options…I didn’t know who to call or what leads to follow up on. I did NOT know how to proceed. It was as if I was sitting in the movie theater.. the movie ended as well as the credits… and i’m sitting there in the dark… I had NO idea of where to go next. I talked to my blessed girlfriend, Sparkly Roxanne in my car after the interview and broke down with her… shared my feeling of utter despair.. desperation.. and sadness over the “what is” of where I still found myself.  Deep, from inside me…sobs came pouring out and I gave up. I told her “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO GO!! ”

in that moment…. even though I didn’t really understand what was happening… I FELT like I was being faced with the decision to continue having faith in the unknown (to have hope) or to stop believing it. It wasn’t a ‘life or death’ feeling but i could sense that something was happening.  I felt this sense of having made a decision that i wasn’t consciously aware of… i think somewhere in that decision i surrendered my hope.. my beliefs.. i let go. i didn’t know who i was surrendering to but i felt like i wanted to give up trying to look for a way out.  I felt sadness because having faith that Everything happens for a reason gives me HOPE but because of my lack of options.. I didn’t know WHAT to hope FOR.

So I stopped hoping.

It felt weird.. I went thru that day into the next with a deep sadness. I didn’t know what I was going to do.. I didn’t know when this feeling would end… i was numb..  felt like i didn’t care anymore… I ached. During the day Wednesday I was trying to find relief from this ache.. and I remembered my beloved Auntie showing me Ho’oponopono mixed with EFT (also called Tapping). (PLEASE LOOK AT THE EFT LINK FIRST!) So I did it.. I was trying to relieve this ache.  Strangely it worked.. I felt better almost immediately with this STRONG desire to go to sleep. (I could barely keep my eyes open! Weird!)  A few hours later… I get an email from this website that I NEVER get emails from.. a website where  Design Jobs are posted. Okay Weird.  I look and the FIRST posting is for a Director of Design job close to my house.. So I do what I usually do.. I call the company.. get the name of the person in charge of hiring for design and craft a nice email to her with my resume.  I got a good feeling. I did the tapping a few more times but I definitely felt better. I went to bed feeling calmer.. and less hopeless. Peter and I slept very strangely that night… we both woke up around the same time in the middle of the night… but we didn’t talk to each other. We just laid there.. he ended up getting up and going downstairs and I fell back asleep shortly thereafter.. but it was strange. I woke up at 9am Thursday… to my phone ringing. Peter was already gone but I didn’t recognize the number so I didn’t answer it. I listened to the voice mail. It was the chick I sent my resume to that previous evening. Weird. so I called her back and ended up having a telephone interview for an hour. It sounded like a really interesting opportunity. In the middle of my phone call.. I got another phone call that i didn’t recognize so obviously I didn’t answer it in the middle of my possible opportunity. I got off the phone and immediately my blackberry “blew up” with emails and one of them was from a former co-worker who is at the gob I really wanted.. she said she left me a voice mail.. and so I called her. The designer from the dealership she now works at is leaving so she asked “When can you start?” WEIRD. I made plans to go into the office to talk to her that afternoon. And got a call back from the first place where I talked to them more.. and scheduled a formal interview next week.  So I’m kinda in shock… TWO opportunities in ONE day…. So I get showered and start on in to DC and get a phone call from another former co-worker who has a few freelance projects for me. WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

no really? what is happening here?

I go to meet my former co-worker at the job i really wanted.. asked for the salary I wanted (and got it – it was just a continuation of where i was at my last job) and an hour later.. it was decided i would start on Monday. UH… OKAY? It’s what I want my “just a job” to be. A way to make the money I was making (So I don’t have to take a $10/hr job) and get back to “normal” so I can really start working on Peter and my dreams as well as my own personal dreams.

This time not working has changed me for sure. There is NO way I am walking into that office on Monday the same person I was SIX months ago. I don’t feel the same. Besides now being a married woman -  I TRULY believe I came face to face with my faith… on the brink of losing it.. and in the end… only when I chose to SURRENDER my faith and hope.. did God/The Universe/whomever you believe in.. have the chance to step in and help.  wow.

I have a newfound belief. This.. is “just a job”. Because of this experience – being unemployed – I have a better idea of what path I want to follow that will move me and help other people. This will help facilitate me to get out of the debt I owe (and the energy/guilt I have for even having it in the first place – I know you’re reading this)  GO TO ITALY! then get Peter his WELL DESERVED motorcycle… then start the Life Coaching Program… this will help us get back on track with our thoughts to get pregnant in the spring…and pay my girl Kyra for the full design of  Married to a Chef Website to be created… with the Finish Line being to Move (My heart is still in Charleston, SC) to begin our Fresh Start…

This has truly pulled on Peter and my love for each other as well. This has not been easy for both of us… in our own  and different ways. His lack of faith in the unknown/his needing for the proof in the pudding pushed me.. up to the wall of where my faith is.. made me doubt it and question it myself. And his fears became my fears and vice versa. I am an emotional person and have on many occasion broke down to him about these fears. My powerless and feeling dependent on him, his finances … definitely didn’t make him feel good. But through it all.. the love was there. Every morning and every night – we would joke around and be silly with each other (uh it’s hard to get Peter to be serious) and wrestle and play around…(I always lost – he’s strong!) those were very intimate moments.. laughing despite it all. This experience brought us closer.

While this part is  now over.. the revelations that have come from it, have changed me.  I must say… My faith is stronger than EVER. I can honestly say I faced losing my faith, lost it (even if just for a day) and in that moment of SURRENDER… experienced the miracle. My belief that EVERYTHING…. EVERYTHING…(even the things I do not understand and more IMPORTANTLY the things I do not understand) happens as it should.  Everything. Everything. We sometimes have to dive to the BOTTOM of the pool… almost lose our breath before we realize what a gift Life is. It’s no wonder that most people who have survived a catastrophe, almost losing their lives.. will tell you they see how precious life is. My experience is NO way about losing my physical life.. but in some way I did lose the way I VIEWED my life… and was revived to see it through different eyes.

So I’m off to go have a celebratory drink at Peters restaurant… !!! Onto the next chapter!
Much Love!
Kerilyn

Posted Friday, January 15th, 2010 at 8:16 pm | High Low. Subscribe to the comments RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.