okay this is a sensitive subject for me.. but I gotta write about it… it’s been consuming my brain.

And NOTE: This is about ME. Nobody else. I am talking about my actions/reactions/ and decisions. NOONE elses.

okay so in the past two years I know I have changed.

Not to talk  to much about my past relationship but to lay the groundwork for what I need to say.. I have to a bit. What I really want to say is at the end of my rambling. My previous relationship WOKE me up to just how long I was accepting LESS than I deserve. I found this GREAT resource and paid for and uploaded her E-Book called “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” . (This book is FABULOUS – oh my gosh I think I highlighted every line of this book and wrote notes in the margins like “Holy Shit!” and “This is Me!” This book paired with continual therapy really helped me face just how much I accepted less than I deserved and more importantly… WHY I accepted less. That has really been the most important and also the hardest part to figure out – the WHY.

It’s the why part that I found so hard to face. It’s because I didn’t love myself. And BIG time.

I never really realized JUST how much I didn’t love myself. Wow. The years of comparing myself to others – seeking approval from others. I’m not thin or I’m too tall…stuck wearing glasses and NEVER understanding why men never liked me more than a friend. Well I finally figured out why…

They didn’t like me because I DIDN’T LIKE ME.

It HIT me when reading this book – oh the years I wasted.. No seriously.. believe me.. WASTED.  Just because I didn’t love myself and continually accepted less than I deserved. I even created things that weren’t even there just to comfort my sadness…told myself lies.. to create a buffer between me and the truth. Anything I could do to NOT face that I didn’t love myself.

So I projected it outward – I did everything I could to MAKE people love me because I didn’t love myself.  I bought them.. both my friends and potential relationships – literally and emotionally.  Part of who I am is someone who is VERY interested in what’s below the surface of people. I want to know.. I WANT to know…and in part I myself  am very VERY open with my own feelings…and am not afraid to show my imperfection. I am still learning why I am like this. I somehow always knew that I have my own issues or “stuff” so I was always aware that everyone does too. I am not perfect and I know neither is anyone else. How can I be really angry at someone else when I make just as many mistakes?  I am able to see below the surface to what is really important.. what is inside.

Its there that I really resonate with most people – because its what’s below the surface that makes me feel like I’m on even playing field. I don’t love myself – I am not pretty or thin or smart enough so when I recognize that in others I somehow don’t feel so alone and broken myself which makes me connect with them. I see in them how I feel about myself. Which is why… I am finding.. that I am SO open to show my stuff.. to test the other person. I guess subliminally I exposed my inner feelings.. my inner world just to SEE if 1. they wouldn’t be afraid and run away (i.e. they like scary movies) and 2. so I could find out what their inner ’stuff’ is so I could comfort myself.  And these

And so I kept bringing people into my world that made me feel less than (or I sabotaged myself/created imaginary situations/etc.. because after a while it became “normal” and regular for me to accept less..I didn’t know any other way) but because I didn’t love myself to take a stand and ask for what I deserved.. I took crumbs because I didn’t feel like I deserved the whole loaf. From way way way back in the day.. little girl Kerilyn.  I want to say I remember it starting at 11 yrs old but it could possibly be all my life.

TRUST me this has caused so much heartache. Dissapointment and the feeling let down by others.

When REALLY.. what really was happening was that I was accepting less.. and not taking a stand… for fear that they would leave me then I would really have to face how much I didn’t love myself.. and NO WAY did I want that.. I wanted to keep the fantasy going… so I kept my mouth shut or didn’t push too hard..

Then.. I met my last relationship… He was SO broken inside which Yep! is a bullseye for Kerilyn.. This is PERFECT! It can be SO MUCH about him that the fact that I won’t have to face just how much I don’t love myself! And that was alright for a while.. I was happy to take a back seat to my neurosis and play the “see we’re happy!” when all I really wanted was to be seen.. and loved. Truth be known I fell for him and his neurosis hard.. He was broken which matched what I felt on the inside which made me feel not alone and so I fell .. I wanted to take care of him and his ’stuff’… I wanted to hold him and tell him it was going to be okay… I was here. But here’s the thing.. I got NOTHING in return. Emotionally… Physically… I got nothing. Here I am making these decisions under the guise of “see we’re happy!” when I was BEGGING him to just see me. Oh my god.. it was SUCH a low. I knew it wasn’t okay the way I was feeling.. I knew it really had to do with me… then this book came into my life… This book.. and therapy every other week.

I can’t tell you what exactly happened while reading this book and going to therapy that woke me up.. I think it was her point blank way of saying… He’s NEVER going to change.. YOU have accepted this because you don’t love yourself… and I then…. it hit me..

EVEN THOUGH I LOVED HIM (AND I REALLY DID)  – I STILL HAD TO DO WHAT WAS BEST FOR ME. I HAD TO LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO LEAVE. Even though it wasn’t what I wanted…  I had to make a decision that was best for ME. It hurt like Hell…but I had to. (The Song that most resembles what I am saying is Alanis Morrissettes’ “That Particular Time” to which I’ve listened to ALOT)

Yes.. Peter came back into my life… Yes.. it happened very fast. But I feel SO MUCH MYSELF around him…. I am myself.. my broken self around him.. and he loves me still. Does that mean he’s still not broken. Hell no. He is.. He just shows it differently than me. It’s on the outside. Mine is on the inside. It does strangely bring balance. It’s why I know that we are best for each other. We bring balance.  At this point, I don’t lose myself in his stuff.

Blah Blah this isn’t what I wanted to even write about… get to it Kerilyn!!!

When I left.. DESPITE the fact that I loved him but because I LOVED MYSELF MORE… that I am NOT accepting less than I deserve… something changed for me inside.. It felt SO good to make decisions based on what was good for ME even if no one understood (or liked it) It was ME loving ME. It felt like freedom.

Then I found myself in the same situation not too long after the decision to leave my past relationship… with one of my dear friends. Again I had to make a decision that was best for ME even if no one understood (or liked it). Did it hurt? Uh hells yes…. but it felt SO good to make decisions on NOT accepting less.  I think for the first time I felt what it was like to really love myself despite it all.. OR to put it so beautifully put in Oriah Mountain Dreamers “The Invitation”

“I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.”

THIS is what really loving yourself means. Trusting yourself. Trusting your gut no matter WHAT.

oh and how damn scary it is… it means you might risk losing it all. But I tell you when you make a decision based on what is right for YOU (even though it hurts like hell) it’s SUCH a freeing feeling. wow. Euphoric actually. Like I picture little flowers flittering about. I feel like I’m living my more genuine self.

Then it happened again with another dear friend very shortly after the wedding. But wow.. I felt this amazing strength… LOVING yourself feels good!Again.. does it hurt any less? NO. I feel sad that my friend and I are going our separate ways…But I Love myself MORE than this. Is it selfish? I’ve thought a lot about this question… I don’t think so.  It’s what I think I didn’t have all along.. Self LOVE.

So I hear from others that Marriage changes friendships… so I thought maybe it was that.
I’ve thought long and hard about this.. It isn’t about that (well maybe a teeny part)  This is about doing something I’ve never done… NOT accepting less than I deserve.

Then I had a conversation with my parents this weekend about this… wow. They both brought up how, with the decision to take care of myself.. I need to face the consequences that I will not have as many friends… Of course this makes me feel uncomfortable and sad.. because I don’t WANT to lose any friends.  But with the advent of wanting to start a family… I have to teach my children to trust their gut.. no matter what… to NEVER accept less than they feel they deserve… To nurture them to have enough love for themselves. And I cannot show them and teach them this if I don’t know about it myself.

So my circle of friends might get smaller… and I will always ALWAYS light a candle to them in my heart for the love I will ALWAYS feel for them. But I feel like I woke up… and I now am on a mission to take care of me… possibly for the first time in my entire life. With this said…I am grateful in this way for my last relationship… because I had to dive to the bottom of my sadness…. and there, despite how I felt for the other person..I did what I had to do to take care of MYSELF.   I found a light… the light of the love I have for myself.. despite it all.

Just sharing my inner world with you.
Second week  at new job… away I go!
Kerilyn