okay this is a sensitive subject for me.. but I gotta write about it… it’s been consuming my brain.

And NOTE: This is about ME. Nobody else. I am talking about my actions/reactions/ and decisions. NOONE elses.

okay so in the past two years I know I have changed.

Not to talk  to much about my past relationship but to lay the groundwork for what I need to say.. I have to a bit. What I really want to say is at the end of my rambling. My previous relationship WOKE me up to just how long I was accepting LESS than I deserve. I found this GREAT resource and paid for and uploaded her E-Book called “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” . (This book is FABULOUS – oh my gosh I think I highlighted every line of this book and wrote notes in the margins like “Holy Shit!” and “This is Me!” This book paired with continual therapy really helped me face just how much I accepted less than I deserved and more importantly… WHY I accepted less. That has really been the most important and also the hardest part to figure out – the WHY.

It’s the why part that I found so hard to face. It’s because I didn’t love myself. And BIG time.

I never really realized JUST how much I didn’t love myself. Wow. The years of comparing myself to others – seeking approval from others. I’m not thin or I’m too tall…stuck wearing glasses and NEVER understanding why men never liked me more than a friend. Well I finally figured out why…

They didn’t like me because I DIDN’T LIKE ME.

It HIT me when reading this book – oh the years I wasted.. No seriously.. believe me.. WASTED.  Just because I didn’t love myself and continually accepted less than I deserved. I even created things that weren’t even there just to comfort my sadness…told myself lies.. to create a buffer between me and the truth. Anything I could do to NOT face that I didn’t love myself.

So I projected it outward – I did everything I could to MAKE people love me because I didn’t love myself.  I bought them.. both my friends and potential relationships – literally and emotionally.  Part of who I am is someone who is VERY interested in what’s below the surface of people. I want to know.. I WANT to know…and in part I myself  am very VERY open with my own feelings…and am not afraid to show my imperfection. I am still learning why I am like this. I somehow always knew that I have my own issues or “stuff” so I was always aware that everyone does too. I am not perfect and I know neither is anyone else. How can I be really angry at someone else when I make just as many mistakes?  I am able to see below the surface to what is really important.. what is inside.

Its there that I really resonate with most people – because its what’s below the surface that makes me feel like I’m on even playing field. I don’t love myself – I am not pretty or thin or smart enough so when I recognize that in others I somehow don’t feel so alone and broken myself which makes me connect with them. I see in them how I feel about myself. Which is why… I am finding.. that I am SO open to show my stuff.. to test the other person. I guess subliminally I exposed my inner feelings.. my inner world just to SEE if 1. they wouldn’t be afraid and run away (i.e. they like scary movies) and 2. so I could find out what their inner ’stuff’ is so I could comfort myself.  And these

And so I kept bringing people into my world that made me feel less than (or I sabotaged myself/created imaginary situations/etc.. because after a while it became “normal” and regular for me to accept less..I didn’t know any other way) but because I didn’t love myself to take a stand and ask for what I deserved.. I took crumbs because I didn’t feel like I deserved the whole loaf. From way way way back in the day.. little girl Kerilyn.  I want to say I remember it starting at 11 yrs old but it could possibly be all my life.

TRUST me this has caused so much heartache. Dissapointment and the feeling let down by others.

When REALLY.. what really was happening was that I was accepting less.. and not taking a stand… for fear that they would leave me then I would really have to face how much I didn’t love myself.. and NO WAY did I want that.. I wanted to keep the fantasy going… so I kept my mouth shut or didn’t push too hard..

Then.. I met my last relationship… He was SO broken inside which Yep! is a bullseye for Kerilyn.. This is PERFECT! It can be SO MUCH about him that the fact that I won’t have to face just how much I don’t love myself! And that was alright for a while.. I was happy to take a back seat to my neurosis and play the “see we’re happy!” when all I really wanted was to be seen.. and loved. Truth be known I fell for him and his neurosis hard.. He was broken which matched what I felt on the inside which made me feel not alone and so I fell .. I wanted to take care of him and his ’stuff’… I wanted to hold him and tell him it was going to be okay… I was here. But here’s the thing.. I got NOTHING in return. Emotionally… Physically… I got nothing. Here I am making these decisions under the guise of “see we’re happy!” when I was BEGGING him to just see me. Oh my god.. it was SUCH a low. I knew it wasn’t okay the way I was feeling.. I knew it really had to do with me… then this book came into my life… This book.. and therapy every other week.

I can’t tell you what exactly happened while reading this book and going to therapy that woke me up.. I think it was her point blank way of saying… He’s NEVER going to change.. YOU have accepted this because you don’t love yourself… and I then…. it hit me..

EVEN THOUGH I LOVED HIM (AND I REALLY DID)  – I STILL HAD TO DO WHAT WAS BEST FOR ME. I HAD TO LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO LEAVE. Even though it wasn’t what I wanted…  I had to make a decision that was best for ME. It hurt like Hell…but I had to. (The Song that most resembles what I am saying is Alanis Morrissettes’ “That Particular Time” to which I’ve listened to ALOT)

Yes.. Peter came back into my life… Yes.. it happened very fast. But I feel SO MUCH MYSELF around him…. I am myself.. my broken self around him.. and he loves me still. Does that mean he’s still not broken. Hell no. He is.. He just shows it differently than me. It’s on the outside. Mine is on the inside. It does strangely bring balance. It’s why I know that we are best for each other. We bring balance.  At this point, I don’t lose myself in his stuff.

Blah Blah this isn’t what I wanted to even write about… get to it Kerilyn!!!

When I left.. DESPITE the fact that I loved him but because I LOVED MYSELF MORE… that I am NOT accepting less than I deserve… something changed for me inside.. It felt SO good to make decisions based on what was good for ME even if no one understood (or liked it) It was ME loving ME. It felt like freedom.

Then I found myself in the same situation not too long after the decision to leave my past relationship… with one of my dear friends. Again I had to make a decision that was best for ME even if no one understood (or liked it). Did it hurt? Uh hells yes…. but it felt SO good to make decisions on NOT accepting less.  I think for the first time I felt what it was like to really love myself despite it all.. OR to put it so beautifully put in Oriah Mountain Dreamers “The Invitation”

“I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.”

THIS is what really loving yourself means. Trusting yourself. Trusting your gut no matter WHAT.

oh and how damn scary it is… it means you might risk losing it all. But I tell you when you make a decision based on what is right for YOU (even though it hurts like hell) it’s SUCH a freeing feeling. wow. Euphoric actually. Like I picture little flowers flittering about. I feel like I’m living my more genuine self.

Then it happened again with another dear friend very shortly after the wedding. But wow.. I felt this amazing strength… LOVING yourself feels good!Again.. does it hurt any less? NO. I feel sad that my friend and I are going our separate ways…But I Love myself MORE than this. Is it selfish? I’ve thought a lot about this question… I don’t think so.  It’s what I think I didn’t have all along.. Self LOVE.

So I hear from others that Marriage changes friendships… so I thought maybe it was that.
I’ve thought long and hard about this.. It isn’t about that (well maybe a teeny part)  This is about doing something I’ve never done… NOT accepting less than I deserve.

Then I had a conversation with my parents this weekend about this… wow. They both brought up how, with the decision to take care of myself.. I need to face the consequences that I will not have as many friends… Of course this makes me feel uncomfortable and sad.. because I don’t WANT to lose any friends.  But with the advent of wanting to start a family… I have to teach my children to trust their gut.. no matter what… to NEVER accept less than they feel they deserve… To nurture them to have enough love for themselves. And I cannot show them and teach them this if I don’t know about it myself.

So my circle of friends might get smaller… and I will always ALWAYS light a candle to them in my heart for the love I will ALWAYS feel for them. But I feel like I woke up… and I now am on a mission to take care of me… possibly for the first time in my entire life. With this said…I am grateful in this way for my last relationship… because I had to dive to the bottom of my sadness…. and there, despite how I felt for the other person..I did what I had to do to take care of MYSELF.   I found a light… the light of the love I have for myself.. despite it all.

Just sharing my inner world with you.
Second week  at new job… away I go!
Kerilyn

I’m BACK!! from Kerilyn (Fox) Russo on Vimeo.

Want to show you my face!!! (okay my face has gotten… rounder.. but i’ll get back to the treadmill when I move to our new office (with a gym!!!)

Thank God it’s over.

That’s all i can say. wow. I am SO happy to report that as of Monday I join the workforce again, in the same vein as my last…Designer for another Herman Miller Dealership .

this has been a very strange week for me to say the least. I cannot tell you the sequence of events without sharing my feelings and experiences (and you say.. oh no.. not Kerilyn sharing her feelings again) yep.. get over it or stop reading.

a horrible interview on Tuesday (after many reschedulings) that i will honestly say lead me to come face to face with considering to no longer believing that Everything Happens for a Reason. Walking out of that interview.. I had NO other ideas for jobs.. NO other options…I didn’t know who to call or what leads to follow up on. I did NOT know how to proceed. It was as if I was sitting in the movie theater.. the movie ended as well as the credits… and i’m sitting there in the dark… I had NO idea of where to go next. I talked to my blessed girlfriend, Sparkly Roxanne in my car after the interview and broke down with her… shared my feeling of utter despair.. desperation.. and sadness over the “what is” of where I still found myself.  Deep, from inside me…sobs came pouring out and I gave up. I told her “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO GO!! ”

in that moment…. even though I didn’t really understand what was happening… I FELT like I was being faced with the decision to continue having faith in the unknown (to have hope) or to stop believing it. It wasn’t a ‘life or death’ feeling but i could sense that something was happening.  I felt this sense of having made a decision that i wasn’t consciously aware of… i think somewhere in that decision i surrendered my hope.. my beliefs.. i let go. i didn’t know who i was surrendering to but i felt like i wanted to give up trying to look for a way out.  I felt sadness because having faith that Everything happens for a reason gives me HOPE but because of my lack of options.. I didn’t know WHAT to hope FOR.

So I stopped hoping.

It felt weird.. I went thru that day into the next with a deep sadness. I didn’t know what I was going to do.. I didn’t know when this feeling would end… i was numb..  felt like i didn’t care anymore… I ached. During the day Wednesday I was trying to find relief from this ache.. and I remembered my beloved Auntie showing me Ho’oponopono mixed with EFT (also called Tapping). (PLEASE LOOK AT THE EFT LINK FIRST!) So I did it.. I was trying to relieve this ache.  Strangely it worked.. I felt better almost immediately with this STRONG desire to go to sleep. (I could barely keep my eyes open! Weird!)  A few hours later… I get an email from this website that I NEVER get emails from.. a website where  Design Jobs are posted. Okay Weird.  I look and the FIRST posting is for a Director of Design job close to my house.. So I do what I usually do.. I call the company.. get the name of the person in charge of hiring for design and craft a nice email to her with my resume.  I got a good feeling. I did the tapping a few more times but I definitely felt better. I went to bed feeling calmer.. and less hopeless. Peter and I slept very strangely that night… we both woke up around the same time in the middle of the night… but we didn’t talk to each other. We just laid there.. he ended up getting up and going downstairs and I fell back asleep shortly thereafter.. but it was strange. I woke up at 9am Thursday… to my phone ringing. Peter was already gone but I didn’t recognize the number so I didn’t answer it. I listened to the voice mail. It was the chick I sent my resume to that previous evening. Weird. so I called her back and ended up having a telephone interview for an hour. It sounded like a really interesting opportunity. In the middle of my phone call.. I got another phone call that i didn’t recognize so obviously I didn’t answer it in the middle of my possible opportunity. I got off the phone and immediately my blackberry “blew up” with emails and one of them was from a former co-worker who is at the gob I really wanted.. she said she left me a voice mail.. and so I called her. The designer from the dealership she now works at is leaving so she asked “When can you start?” WEIRD. I made plans to go into the office to talk to her that afternoon. And got a call back from the first place where I talked to them more.. and scheduled a formal interview next week.  So I’m kinda in shock… TWO opportunities in ONE day…. So I get showered and start on in to DC and get a phone call from another former co-worker who has a few freelance projects for me. WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

no really? what is happening here?

I go to meet my former co-worker at the job i really wanted.. asked for the salary I wanted (and got it – it was just a continuation of where i was at my last job) and an hour later.. it was decided i would start on Monday. UH… OKAY? It’s what I want my “just a job” to be. A way to make the money I was making (So I don’t have to take a $10/hr job) and get back to “normal” so I can really start working on Peter and my dreams as well as my own personal dreams.

This time not working has changed me for sure. There is NO way I am walking into that office on Monday the same person I was SIX months ago. I don’t feel the same. Besides now being a married woman -  I TRULY believe I came face to face with my faith… on the brink of losing it.. and in the end… only when I chose to SURRENDER my faith and hope.. did God/The Universe/whomever you believe in.. have the chance to step in and help.  wow.

I have a newfound belief. This.. is “just a job”. Because of this experience – being unemployed – I have a better idea of what path I want to follow that will move me and help other people. This will help facilitate me to get out of the debt I owe (and the energy/guilt I have for even having it in the first place – I know you’re reading this)  GO TO ITALY! then get Peter his WELL DESERVED motorcycle… then start the Life Coaching Program… this will help us get back on track with our thoughts to get pregnant in the spring…and pay my girl Kyra for the full design of  Married to a Chef Website to be created… with the Finish Line being to Move (My heart is still in Charleston, SC) to begin our Fresh Start…

This has truly pulled on Peter and my love for each other as well. This has not been easy for both of us… in our own  and different ways. His lack of faith in the unknown/his needing for the proof in the pudding pushed me.. up to the wall of where my faith is.. made me doubt it and question it myself. And his fears became my fears and vice versa. I am an emotional person and have on many occasion broke down to him about these fears. My powerless and feeling dependent on him, his finances … definitely didn’t make him feel good. But through it all.. the love was there. Every morning and every night – we would joke around and be silly with each other (uh it’s hard to get Peter to be serious) and wrestle and play around…(I always lost – he’s strong!) those were very intimate moments.. laughing despite it all. This experience brought us closer.

While this part is  now over.. the revelations that have come from it, have changed me.  I must say… My faith is stronger than EVER. I can honestly say I faced losing my faith, lost it (even if just for a day) and in that moment of SURRENDER… experienced the miracle. My belief that EVERYTHING…. EVERYTHING…(even the things I do not understand and more IMPORTANTLY the things I do not understand) happens as it should.  Everything. Everything. We sometimes have to dive to the BOTTOM of the pool… almost lose our breath before we realize what a gift Life is. It’s no wonder that most people who have survived a catastrophe, almost losing their lives.. will tell you they see how precious life is. My experience is NO way about losing my physical life.. but in some way I did lose the way I VIEWED my life… and was revived to see it through different eyes.

So I’m off to go have a celebratory drink at Peters restaurant… !!! Onto the next chapter!
Much Love!
Kerilyn

Thanks to my Auntie… She sent me these vows…
My heart resonates with these Resolutions.
I’m sure your heart  will too.

Thank You my Auntie…I love you.

• I want to be happy for no reason this year except that I am here and
  alive and I claim this moment as my own. It’s mine. Its got my name on it!

• This year, I want to spend more time in nature, not on the path near my
  home, with its iPods, and cell phones and incessant chatter, but deep in
  a forest, where the earth recognizes my step, and the ground kisses my
  feet as I walk.

• This year, I want to say no, more often, and not feel guilty, and say
  yes, more often, and not feel embarrassed.

• I want to take the time to grieve fully this year, for those people that
  I have lost and mourn those things that I shall never have or be again.

• I want to hear the sounds of creation and I can’t tell you what those
  sounds are, because I have never really heard them before. I ‘ve been
  too busy for that. But their music beckons to me in the stillness when I
  have finally given up my need to control.

• I want to see, really see the sights of the universe and I can’t tell
  you what those sights are, because I have never really seen them before.
  I’ve had my eyes closed. But their vision haunts me in my dreams and
  gently calls forth to me in my waking hours.

• I want to take the child in me out to play more this year and step in
  mud puddles, get my feet wet, eat cotton candy, build a snowman, talk to
  strangers, kiss furry dogs and chase mangy cats.

• This year I want to eat my spaghetti with a fork and forget about the
  spoon and get my face really dirty.

• I want to get to know my teddy bear more this year. After all, he is
  really the only one who has always been there for me, in my darkest
  hour, comforting me and whispering sweet messages into my heart, that
  were more accurate than any psychic ever could be.

• I want to see the world with new eyes this year, as if I have never seen
  it before, like an alien on an unfamiliar planet, and not take anything
  for granted.

• This year, I want to talk less and say more. I want to taste more and
  eat less.

• I want to write more about those things that really matter to me, with
  passion, the things that I know in my gut, the things that stir up my
  soul, and not give a damn about keywords or tags or where I rank in
  Google.

• I want to sit with a flower this year and watch it bloom, and know what
  it feels like to finally surrender to life, to succumb to a purpose
  bigger than my own.

• I want to talk to the moon and bask in the sun and gaze at the stars for
  hours and hours.

• I want to be much more silly this year, and care much less about what
  people think of me. I have forgotten just how much fun being silly can be.

• I want to laugh, harder than I have ever laughed before. And cry less
  for all of the pain and suffering that I think I can’t fix, because I
  know that I can. Every time that I make the choice to be free, there is
  less suffering in the world, not a world with less pain, but less pain
  in the world.

• I want to love more this year, not the sappy, greeting card kind of love
  they sell on Valentine’s day cards, but a love that surpasses all
  distance, time, space and differences.

• This year, I want to make friends with those parts of me that I am
  afraid of and attempt to do those things that still scare me to death.
  Well, at least some of them.

• I want to appreciate more and complain less, accept more and judge less,
  forgive more and blame less. I want to ultimately do nothing and allow everything.

• This year I want to break open the windows of my life and knock down the
  doors, remove the shackles and stare down the illusion until it sets me free.

• So you won’t find goals here or projects or timelines or objectives or
  plans or directions or bucket lists or targets. You‘ll only find me.

– Veronica Hay

What is the question?

The question is….

IS THIS IT?

I am so excited about it. Like SO excited! It makes me want to jump around.Makes me feel FREE!

– it gives me hope. and i could use some hope right now.

It will not always be like it is today. THANK GOD! (No really.. Thank You God)

This whole thing has become ridiculous. Laughingly Ridiculous. Like Are you F$^King kidding me?
Is this a practical joke?
Am I in the middle of a really cruel dream?

So Ridiculous in fact that I just can’t talk about the specifics anymore.
Just Plain ridiculous.

But just like the Freezing Cold that penetrates our skin into our bones this winter… inevitably the spring will come and the flowers and the leaves on the trees… It will NOT always be this cold.  While SIX months is absolutely positively ridiculous… it will NOT always look like this. And recently, that  is the ONLY thing I am clinging to.

So I reached out to a Life Coach who spoke to my condition (Thank You K) and she sent me this awesome Questionnaire to fill out. I really let go of my fears when I wrote this  and I want to share with you all..  Ask yourself these questions. I think they are good ones because our instinctive selves, I think want to give the answers that we feel everyone wants to hear… but leaves our souls yelling out to the contrary. Yes, It’s mostly about money. (AIN’T THAT THE KICKER!!!) If Money were no object.. I would be already in Charleston – on my way to… EVERYTHING!!!  One of those dreams is opening up my own Shop.

I found it interesting that What my secret passion is to open up a shop. My desire to do this has always been there… like I wrote it isn’t a secret. I just have NO idea HOW to do it and with what resources so I sorta bagged it years ago but recently… my thoughts have recently revived themselves to my shop.

Friday, I found this awesome ad on Craigslist for a Flower Shop/Gift Shop.  I left a message Friday nite and felt SO strongly about going there… so I did yesterday. I strangely felt connected SO strongly to that little shop. I didn’t have an appointment and didn’t get a call back.. I just KNEW I had to go there.  I talked to the owner about me,etc.. and mentioned my husband was a Chef (with regard to working Saturdays being okay) she asked where.. and I told her LIAS and she said she goes there most Wednesdays with her daughter and family. Weird? It is a cute shop.. not 100% what I envision for my Own shop… but it felt really good to be there. I left and she called me back while I was 5 minutes down the road.. to meet her husband. So I did. (Isn’t this weird?) Then she called me back a few hours later and asked if I’d come in a few hours this upcoming week to see if I’d be a good fit. WOW!!!!

(okay back to the kicker above.)

It doesn’t pay enough to survive. UGH!!!

So we’ll see… I feel like I’m being drawn to do this.

WHO KNOWS???

Dang…it’s like I have this bouquet of BURSTING IDEAS in my hands… Life Coach, Married to a Chef Website, Opening up Shop, Being a Mom, Moving down South… and all of them.. that damn kicker!!!! And I can’t do one without having money. It’s so…. I don’t know!

So that’s where I am… anxious… excited… giddy almost. Kinda like I get when I answer NO to

IS THIS IT?

So we’ll see…. I still have NO idea how to do it… but I cannot ignore the bouquet in my hands… I just need help to make them grow!!!

Let’s see what tomorrow and the next day brings…
Much Love,
Kerilyn

PS: Three RANDOM things:

1. You didn’t think I’d forget? Did you? Todays thing:

#615 When your friend makes sure you got into the house safe after dropping you off at the end of the night

I do this when I drop off my girl Kristy.. Make sure she gets in alright. I like when others do this for me..Especially when I open the door.. turn around and wave.. and they wave back.. Like a Silent Wave of Gratitude aimed at them as I wave…

2. I am going to mail Letter Numero Dos via my 4 goals for 2010 tomorrow!

3. I am starting with Season 1 of the Ghost Whisperer. (I heart Jennifer Love Hewitt) Secretly I love her clothes and her hair. (Going to get my hair cut soon… maybe not short but something different)