One more day.. people. One more day.  2010 here we come!

I have to admit that I have this strange feeling that 2010 is going to be a good (NO, a GREAT!) year.  I think for a lot of those reading.. it’s time. It’s about time. Years of putting your wishes in the glass jar… yea. Put your ticket on the table; it’s time to COLLECT bitches. (yes I feel a bit of potty mouth coming on.. )

This past year…in one word.

Purging.

Purging misconceptions about myself  and of those around me.
Purging my identity as a single woman.
(FINALLY) Purging the idea that because my degree says I’m an Interior Designer that I should be doing that for my career.

This has been a humbling year for me to say the least.  I have learned a lot this year (as always)  as I continue my pursuit of the project that is myself. I had a ONCE in a lifetime experience -Becoming Mrs. Russo! (TO DATE the best day of my life) and became a part of the Russo Family, reconnected and opened a new chapter with some old friends and closed a few chapters with others. Reached new depths in sadness and confusion after losing my 7th job (in 10 years) that I enjoyed going to every day to a sudden bankruptcy, another 6 month stint of unemployment (this is Numero Dos for Kerilyn) lost a bunch of weight and then proceeded to put most of it back on.. (ugh don’t get me started).  Having to ask for help and rely on others which makes me feel very uncomfortable (Lesson learned – Will NEVER do that again!).  Sinking into a depression like nothing I’ve ever experienced -  feeling like I’m in the middle of a nightmare and I just want to wake up and realize this has all been a dream. It’s been such a low that at times I didn’t even recognize myself.

I am hopeful that as this year ends.. I can say goodbye to this past year. I look forward to saying goodbye to 2009.  Of confusion and despair, I can look forward to longer days, and with that -  a progression and focus upward.

Tomorrow (in about an hour) I become 35 years old. 11:56am to be exact. I usually am really excited for my birthday. For New Years Eve is about celebration. Most people are in a happy happy joy joy mood. Getting dressed up and deciding what party to go to. I think there is an Energy to New Years Eve/Day. Like a Get out of Jail Free card…12:01 on January 1st gives us this clean slate. I usually am blissfully enjoying this day along with everyone others.. kinda feeling a little more special than usual. But no other year do I look forward to this new ‘Second Chance’ to make different (and LIFE ALTERING) decisions toward abundance than this upcoming one.

To EVERYONE that has touched my life. Thank You. Thank You for being patient with me.. 2009 has thrown me around a bit harder than usual and I feel a little bruised and tender to the touch. Thank you for being there.  In body and in mind.  It is my hope that this year.. I am able to reach out and deliver the same sort of support to those that I know are going thru (or will be going thru) their own transition. To my husband – my SOLE support in EVERY way this year.. We still manage to find and feel the love daily despite the tight wallet and sad Kerilyn face most days… Besides his dream of a Harley which I am POSITIVE he will be riding by years end… it is my goal to make sure he knows that while this year he too wished ended differently.. that we learned a LOT.. leaned on each other and in the end.. made us a stronger couple.

Together and apart, the Russos have lots to look forward to this year.. a move (whether local or not) our postponed dream Honeymoon to Italy,  a ‘just a job’ which will facilitate a focus on education and end with career change,  a networking effort near and dear to our hearts (Married to a Chef Website – Hopeful to be Kicked Off by Mid-January) and by years end… maybe a December bambina e bambino?

I am going to sign off now… but I want to end this with a small sign. I feel it is a sign that my new debit card (with my married name on it) ENDS in 2010. I even called the bank and asked them if they gave it to me because of the year and they said it was just coincidence. (hmm… I don’t know about that. )

Happy New Year All.  And WELCOME 2010!!!
Much Love,
Kerilyn

A little behind in the 2009 Blog Challenge so let’s get that taken care of…

December 22 Startup. What’s a business that you found this year that you love? Who thought it up? What makes it special?

- Hmm.. a business? Besides ETSY? And Supermarket ? Etsy was founded by Rob Kalin, Chris Maguire, Haim Schoppik and Jared Tarbell in June 2005. and Supermarket was created by SuperCorp .What makes it special? AWESOME designs… awesome community of artists. LOVE LOVE LOVE! But in all fairness it’s not a new discovery… just one I really enjoy.

December 23 Web tool. It came into your work flow this year and now you couldn’t live without it. It has simplified or improved your online experience.

Ha…How bout Web tool for the Unemployed? Yep … this is a VALUABLE tool for me this year and honestly I couldn’t “live” without it.

December 24 Learning experience. What was a lesson you learned this year that changed you?

Just ONE? Hmm…Well most importantly -  JUST when you things are going along swimmingly – TRUST THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE.  Even things you NEVER expected.. (MOSTLY things that are not expected) NEVER to expect things to stay the same….  Jobs, Friends…. it ALL changes. I think I’m finally learning to expect that from year to year… How one year starts will most definitely NOT be how it will end. I don’t know if I’m really sad by this lesson.. or really liberated by it.  I think a little bit of both. More on this theme as you read on.

December 25 Gift. What’s a gift you gave yourself this year that has kept on giving?

Another doosy…let’s see. A Gift.  I wish I could tell you something YIPPEE! Positive.  But I think the gift I gave myself this year…. is to FINALLY realize that Life does not work out the way you envision it. (See above.) Yea Yea it’s a bit sad and also.. quite freeing at the same time. I think it’s a gift. For SO long I had these high hopes for everything I did…. did it with purpose and forward thought… I think it’s high time that I stop really banking on my expectations… and just Live in the NOW! I can continue reliving the past… and worrying about the future.. but really learning to live in the NOW. What happens..will happen.. whether I fret or stress or cry about it…And I really can only live in THIS moment.

December 26 Insight or aha! moment. What was your epiphany of the year?

Grr.. another deep and penetrating question!!! Epiphany this year… Other than the same answer to the two questions above – I WANT TO MOVE AWAY FROM HERE. I want to wake up and look at different scenery, different roads, different climate, different people, different living environment. I want a fresh start.

December 27 Social web moment. Did you meet someone you used to only know from her blog? Did you discover Twitter?

No I wish though… I am hopeful that one day I’ll be able to meet NieNie. I find myself in the past week… when I am feeling myself feeling down… I think of her and what she’s been thru.. her pain. her confusion at the “Why did this happen?” and I feel better… Her ability to go on despite what happened is TRULY an inspiration.  She’s a mom.. she has four little ones to live for.. cookies to make.. little dreams to come true… and again I say.. WHAT am I so sad about? She is and hopefully will, I’m sure, continue to be an inspiration to me.

December 28 Stationery. When you touch the paper, your heart melts. The ink flows from the pen. What was your stationery find of the year?

I will say my favorite correspondence of the year is the AWESOME postcards that my girl Kyra created for Peter and I for our wedding. Both the RSVP as well as the Thank You. It gives me such joy to envision my friends and family getting pictures of Peter and I on postcards in their daily peek into the mailbox. Thank You Kyra. I love it!!!

~~~~~ Aww.. Thank You Alicia. She just emailed me. …

“Thought the first thing on this blogpost *might* make you feel a teeeeny bit hopeful” (Read Number 1)
(Yes Alicia… it makes me feel a LOT better! Thank You Honey!!!)

Alright.. that’s it for me.
Kerilyn

Well folks….

Just a few days left…. I’m excited to just BE with my family (MY family and Peters) for what Christmas is REALLY about… to be with the people you love. This year I took a pass with Christmas Gifts. (I wish I could say my husband was happy about that.. or complied but alas.. he was not and did not) It does NOT make any sense to me to spend money that currently I do not have on gifts that will stress ME out more than enjoy the holidays. Yea yea.. it makes people FEEL good to get gifts… okay thats true.. but still. This year I take a pass and I feel good about it.

Alright… firstly onto The best of 2009 Blog Challenge

December 21 Project. What did you start this year that you’re proud of?

- Project huh? Hmm… I think saying the project of the year was the wedding and all the intricacies of it.. but that’s taking the easy road I think.  Another cop out is the “Project” of finding a freaking job. UGH!!!! But let’s focus on something positive shall we?  Meh.. a project that did involve the wedding that I thought was really fun was our favors. Doing the little bottles of infused olive oil.. and the packets of Zinnia Seeds. AND the Hotel Welcome Bags… fun. So yea.. my answer will be the favors. Easy Road taken!

So okay.. hold on to your winter hats and gloves people .. I’m going to be really real and NOT happy joy joy Kerilyn… One of my good girlfriends is helping set up an interview Wednesday at her firm…(she’s awesome) so we talked yesterday a while…she’s talking to me about the positions.. the fact that they’re actually on a hiring freeze till February etc… and that just come in and my boss will “feel you out”. Which makes me feel SO… like I’m a prostitute and he’s coming to see if he wants to complete a transaction. I want to cry (and usually do with regularity and with great fervor) about this seeming powerlessness I am feeling. It’s really what makes me feel like I have NO CHOICE in my life. I’m cornered. Backed… in a corner. The ONLY choice I have is to take what I see in front of me which will facilitate me to get out of the corner. And I will do that… because it’s what I have to do.. it’s what I NEED to do… But

DON’T ASK ME TO CARE ANYMORE!!!

Don’t ask me to give a SHIT about the direction my “career” is going in.
Don’t talk to me like I’m supposed to be HAPPY that I’m being thrown a BONE.
Instead…
talk to me about what it really is…
an opportunity to get OUT of the corner I’m backed in.
THATS IT.

~hear me people.. this is when the positive kerilyn comes out:
I fully 100% believe that Everything happens as it should.. Even the things I don’t understand/like – Even if it makes me smirk like I’ve just eaten a sour lemon. I believe it does. I KNOW KNOW KNOW that even THIS… is happening because of some reason. Maybe I’m supposed to learn something (I am) or do something (like decide I want to move FAR away from here)
I know that’s what’s happening amongst my sadness and confusion.. I know it.. I believe it. My insides are saying “just hold on kerilyn… you’ll one day turn around from this experience and SEE why this happened.” I have seen it happen before…

BUT.. it doesn’t CHANGE the way I feel about WHAT IS.

God love her.. but I found myself being snappy with her.. She WANTS me to be happy… that this opportunity is in someway MY CHOICE.

Sorry.. those days are over.

I felt bad with my snappyness for it’s not how she knows me to be… so I wrote her an email and I want to share it with you..

(hey you…
thank you for ALL your help…
you are amazing.
Thank you for believing in me.

I want to be totally honest..
Honestly I think that I’m saying this to you because I feel SO
comfortable sharing my vulnerabilities with you…
So please more than nothing see this as venting…
This whole thing has done a doozy on me..
I feel lost.. and
I give up…
and all I want is to move away from here.
I want a fresh start..
I can’t ignore the signs… this is NOT
for me.. this area.. this industry.
Yea.. I know that this sounds SO pessimistic and
negative.
But I CANNOT deal with this anymore.
CANNOT take having to prostrate myself just for an opportunity
to DO what I thought I wanted to do…
I thought I was doing what I wanted to do…
I thought I was finally OVER with this search…

You know when you give up and so LIFE has to
kinda prove it to you?
That your wrong.
that you are doing the right thing?
that you are not crazy.
yea.. that’s where I am.
Maybe you have never felt this way before…
I don’t know.
I feel SO… like life … God.. has let me down.
I know that’s not how I should feel probably…
But it just is….

I don’t want you to worry…
I DO need a job.
And I am desperate.
I need to bring in an income to contribute to my family…
this is SO stressful on Peter and I…
And I DO know I’m a good designer.
I want to do what I know.
And until I move away…
WHO knows when that will be.
I wish it was tomorrow.
I mean… what I want is for this to be a year of HUGE change.
I mean.. we both want to get pregnant this year.
and move somewhere where we’re going to put down roots and stay for years.
THATS what I wanted my focus to be this year… That and that alone…
But NEVER did I think that I would be back to square ONE with my “career”
Six months ago I really did think I had most of the puzzle of my life put together..
But now… I realize I only have one piece.. Peter.
I give up.

So dont worry..
I will not let you down.
I am SO DAMN GRATEFUL to you for helping me…
for SO much more than just the job..
For standing by me..
holding my hand.
For I FEEL your hand..
when I don’t feel strong.
it’s an amazing feeling.
I am SO grateful.

Thank You…
For believing and loving me even when I don’t believe and love myself.

Kerilyn)

(SIDE NOTE: I’M NOT ASKING FOR PITY FROM ANY OF YOU. I’M NOT AFRAID TO SHOW YOU WHAT’S GOING ON INSIDE…EVEN MY VULNERABILITIES… I NEVER HAVE AND I NEVER WILL.)

I’M JUST REQUESTING THAT WHATEVER YOU THROW MY WAY.. YOU SAY IT AND AIM IT AT ME WITH THE KNOWING THAT EVERY CHOICE I MAKE (MINUS GETTING ACCEPTED TO BECOME A LIFE COACH WHICH IS ON HOLD $$$/MOVING AWAY TO A HOUSE SUITED FOR FAMILY LIFE AND THEN STARTING A FAMILY) IS OUT OF NECESSITY.

IT IS NOT MY CHOICE…

I am not a dumb woman. I have learned this year that most of my dearest friends think that because I’m this extremely emotional person, this extremely open and REAL person… that somehow my rational mind has flown the coop and I’m acting PURELY on emotion, no common sense, no intelligent decisions. NO. That is SO far from who I am. I am a planner. I do everything with purpose. Yes, I overthink A LOT.. but I’m thinking 3 steps ahead just to see what every option could result from my well thought out decision. I know what I’m doing.. I make PURPOSEFUL decisions… always.  Do they backfire sometimes? Yes, I can say a handful of times they have. Does it sometimes take me a bit longer than I’d like to make that decision? Absolutely. But 9.5 times out of 10… my gut AND my purposeful thinking leads me down the right path. (Even if I refuse to face it.. I still know it in my gut – ahem.. my last relationship)

So with that said…. PLEASE trust me… I know it may SEEM like I’m just flailing into space… without really knowing what’s happening. While it is TRUE that I cannot control OUTSIDE of myself.. the getting accepted into a position..getting email responses from a prospective employers…..getting that call back from the Herman Miller Dealership in Charleston (GRR!!!)

I KNOW WHAT I WANT. And because the job that I loved so much went bankrupt.. It hit me over the head…. I SEE what I really want now.. I DO NOT want to do design anymore.. I do NOT want to live here anymore. I DO want to become a life coach/be the spokesperson for Married to a Chef website/write a book/MOVE away from here/start a family.

I know.. you got WAY more than you bargained for today… but I HAVE to get this out… I could write in a journal but I type much faster than I write.. (and my handwriting is saved today for finishing up Wedding Thank Yous)

You’ll probably hear from me one more time this week…
If your snowed in.. hope your enjoying it.. and if your at work… hope it’s slow cause of the holiday week!
Happy Monday Everybody!
Much Love,
Kerilyn

Day One of Shoveling out 2009~ Peters already out there – in two pair of pants and gloves shoveling out his truck… Me? Nah I’m fine sitting below my warm blanket and slippers.. sipping on coffee watching Sunday Morning Edition (Side Note: Thank You Bill Geist – I would LOVE to throw an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party – Check the website out!!! AWESOME! I think next year.. I’m doing it!!!)

Yesterday we went a wasseling (I mean walking) over to our neighbors for dinner (Thank You Allison and Mahoney!) It was fun (for me, Peter no likey) It came down starting Friday nite… through the night and all day till around 8ish.. at times it was really really coming down.. inches per hour… Now for the record… I enjoy the snow…. enjoy being in it.. walking in it… looking at it from the window… breathing in the crisp cold air. Just don’t do the driving part.. NO THANKS!

Alright been slack on doing The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge – so AWAY we go!!!

December 16 Tea of the year. I can taste my favorite tea right now. What’s yours?

- I have to agree with my girl K – HOMEMADE Chai is my favorite. I learned how to make Homemade Chai at Yoga in Daily Life where I used to take meditation class. A mortar and pestle… cloves and Cardamom.. and Black Tea (I use English Breakfast) I was told that it has to come to a boil – rises and sets 3 times before it’s ready. To me -  a cup of Chai tea is as comforting as a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

December 17 Word or phrase. A word that encapsulates your year. “2009 was _____.”

December 18 Shop. Online or offline, where did you spend most of your mad money this year?

- Mad Money huh? PRE 4th of July…. I would say Macy’s. I had been consistently losing weight.. and kept needing to buy smaller sized clothes throughout the year. (Which is now NOT the case since I haven’t exercised since Labor Day Weekend)

December 19 Car ride. What did you see? How did it smell? Did you eat anything as you drove there? Who were you with?

-  I have TWO car rides that we’re unforgettable this year… 1. Driving down to Savannah,GA for my surprise pre-wedding weekend with my wonderful sister and AMAZING friend Kristy. We saw the cop that pulled us over…and lots of Highway… We ate junk food and coffee on the way down.  and 2. Our drive down to Charleston, SC for our Unofficial Honeymoon with my new husband. We rented a comfy car… Peter bought a nice GPS and away we go! We really enjoyed our talks.. and just being together. Oh and we saw a cop on that trip too.. like SEVEN miles from Charleston… DRAT~!

December 20 New person. She came into your life and turned it upside down. He went out of his way to provide incredible customer service. Who is your unsung hero of 2009? Hmm.. new person.. (PRE and DURING wedding) I’m going to say Chantal. She single handedly helped with keeping everything with the wedding weekend in check. For I didn’t have to worry about ONE thing for the wedding. She came to the tasting… and was there every step of the way.  (POST wedding) – hmm.. NEW person? I have three answers.. 1. Emily Ogawa – Fiancee of Anthony who’s the GM of another one of the Family of restaurants that Peter works for.. Emily and Anthony are AWESOME!!! I am so enjoying spending time with them.  2. Cliff and Angel – Cliff, the Chef de Cuisine at TenPenh and his girlfriend. All these years.. I have Never really known Cliff.. and it makes me happy to get to know him for he’s important to Peter. And Angel is tres cool too. and 3. Bonnie and Jason – Bonnie, former co-worker of mine.. and her hubs.. really good people.. easy conversation.. easy to be around. These are three examples to me… of “When one (or two) doors close… another opens.” For this I am thankful.

Okay that just about does it for me.. for today..
Until tomorrow my lovelies!
Love,
Kerilyn

PS: Peter is sitting next to me and says that I can’t finish this High/Low without informing EVERYONE that this weekend was a weekend of firsts. It was our first Snowstorm as husband and wife.. it was ALSO the first time that Peter totally “Pants” me (pulled my pants down without me knowing) at the Front Door.. and SURPRISE I wasn’t wearing any skivvies.  Thankfully it was at like 10pm Friday night and so odds of someone who saw are slim! Thank Goodness.

So the past few days have been rough. I’m not going to lie; I don’t know where my positivity or hope is hiding. Feeling blue and overly not very social. Aimlessly wandering round the house.. trying to find something to snap me the hell out of it. Peter and I – well.. it’s been hard. You wouldn’t know that we’re supposed to be newlyweds.. all lovey dovey and stuff.. with the state of things around here. Even his trying to get his wife to smile by going out to get a Christmas Tree was very short lived.  Haven’t even been enthusiastic enough to read or knit.. kinda just want to sleep. Right now my bed is calling me from behind me.. probably cause I don’t sleep well or much at all when the moons out… Tossing and Turning.  Exercising? uh no thanks. Back to the nasty habit of regular smoke breaks (don’t judge).

Depression – they call it.

Failure I call it. I feel like a failure. How can it take THIS long to find a stinking job? To put money back on the plus side of my bank account; pay back my debtors and to NOT be sitting in my pajamas for days at a time? Am I being to picky – where I find work? Maybe. It’s a regular argument between my husband and I… Just do SOMETHING… ANYTHING. Have I been reduced to just picking ANYTHING? I want to disagree with the naysayers that I’m refusing to reach for the bottom of the barrel.. instead at least reaching upward. My soul pulls on me and says ‘just hold on Kerilyn’ so I sit tight. (When I mean sit.. I mean make calls/send resumes, etc…) but still nothing. (Well not nothing – I got a call today from a Dealership in Columbia, South Carolina that is looking for a designer. How they got my resume, no idea.) My favorite Salesperson Bob giving me a glowing reference to a recruiter I interviewed with last week and another favorite salesperson, who wrote this awesome recommendation to a Dealership I’m interested in, just yesterday:

She is an awesome designer and I hope that there is a spot for her at ( ) because she does a great job and I know that you would enjoy working with her. Kerilyn and I worked together for over 3 years at Chasens Business Interiors in Alexandria, VA.  She is an excellent designer, has a very close attention to detail and always has a positive attitude. Kerilyn was always able to juggle many projects at one time for many different salespeople and she was always able to effectively manage her priorities while working with an extremely high level of accuracy.

On one particular project Kerilyn was the sole designer on a complicated multiple phase, 250+ workstation project with a very difficult client.  She was perfect and designed 250+ Vivo Workstations with zero punch, this was also when Vivo was very new and I believe that it was the first Vivo Project that she worked on.  That is the norm with Kerilyn, not the exception.

“Leap and the net will appear” – Unknown

Right.

Designing with no punch (mistakes) to “Welcome to Wal-Mart?” ..  How have I gotten to this level?

Then a moment of laughter (temporary insanity?) comes over me and I laugh at how serious I’m taking myself and the situation I find myself. It’s not THAT bad.. I say to myself as I try to reach for a better feeling. It could be worse. I could give a course on HOW TO PANIC… and I realize that’s just not who I want to be. At all.

Maybe I’m looking at it wrong. I really don’t know. To my debtors I’m sorry. I never in a million gabillion years thought this was going to be the way things were. Wow. And my husband an extra special Sorry for I wish our start into husband and wife-hood were not plagued with how we are going to pay this and pay that..feeling so guilty for involuntarily taking Peter on this INSANE emotional roller coaster I’m on… wishing I was waking up tomorrow to go to my job with the view of the water.. juggling those many projects again.  The only answer I have heard is that I’m not trying hard enough… but that doesn’t feel right in my soul.

It just doesn’t.

I know that you need proof. Well,most of you need proof. Proof of my seeking employment.. PROOF that I’ll do ANYTHING. But part of me resists scraping the bottom. Isn’t that what most people do? Live out of FEAR?

REACT.

UGH!!!! I KNOW there has got to be something out there for me… something that will not be a step in the BACKWARDS direction.

Then I run into this beauty. Beauty doesn’t describe her and her family.  THIS is what having faith/hope and love is in my eyes. This woman/wife/mother and husband/father/love to 4 beautiful children endure a Plane Crash and  burns on most of their bodies. MONTHS in comas… and skin grafts, painful physical therapy, their children not recognizing them…

AND I’M COMPLAINING????

Over coming up with money so I can resume my “normal” life and enjoy regular goings outs with my friends/husband? Really…I’m complaining?

I dove back into time.. back before the accident. Her life/her blog before that day. She was just being SO much herself every day… being grateful for everyday… an artist/photographer/fashionista and SO in love with her life.

I dare you to really soak her in BC and AC (before crash/after crash) and NOT feel SO grateful for what you DO have.  I’m still reading.. when I need another boost of “get over your self Kerilyn” I read another post of hers.

She is an inspiration to many… including me.

Plus.. she lives a very natural and outside the house/not a lot of TV/ reading reading reading/arts and crafts/baking cookies and cakes FROM SCRATCH/cute shoes/haircuts/poem reading/apron wearing… Example of LOVE.

So Thank You NieNie…  You have, just by being you, have helped pull thisdreamergirl out of her rut. Will it come back? Who knows.. probably. But I want to thank you – for being SO brave.. for showing us what unconditional means.. for not allowing fear or the pain to close you off to us. We are grateful…. I am grateful.  Please if you read this.. follow me like I follow you?

I feel like I can knit again. Thank You. Feel like I can open the book I’m reading again. Thank You.  I have been feeling guilty for doing these things.. guilty cause I should be worrying constantly – 24/7 about what HASN’T happened yet.. instead of focusing on whats right in front of me.

Also a HUGE love love love to my girl K .. for the goodies I got in the mail today (SO excited to do them!) and for her wonderful blog that I’ve been slack on diving into… Bravo Beautiful Bohemian Mochachica you…  (duh-I can’t believe I never subscribed.. done!)

And in following my girl fashion – I am jumping on the bandwagon for

The best of 2009 blog challenge

December 15 Best packaging. Did your headphones come in a sweet case? See a bottle of tea in another country that stood off the shelves?

Hmm.. best packaging?

I’m going to say the trifold envelope that my wedding photographer sent us with the CD of our wedding photos.

Alright my people.. thanks for hanging on to me. (Oh the house I linked to in my previous posting is in Charleston, SC – and it’s what I DREAM of having my family in. psst: it’s still available. looking here and looking there.. we’ll see what happens)  Isn’t it WONDERFUL? I lay in my bed at night… trying to make myself feel better and visualize a Christmas tree and my family coming to stay with us.. our children riding bikes in the driveway and on the very private street. Sigh…

Please say a prayer for me?
Until next time.
Much Love,
Kerilyn

Hi there,

Feel like writing. Momentary cloud clearing after watching a movie that made me laugh out loud and give me hope and I felt… good. Lighter.

Really good quote from this movie that I MUST share (Context: talking to 7 yr olds teacher)  “Why don’t you try not making him feel like being  “Who he is”  is the problem? That’s what happened to you and me… remember?”

Isn’t that profound? I think it is. What if our parents/teachers just accepted us for who we are.. instead of  being like everyone else? I mean that’s a lot of pressure don’t you think? And I know.. blah blah… about pushing someone to be “All that they can be”…..bleh, I don’t know… I haven’t figured it out…it’s just something to ponder.

also… (context: taking sip of morning coffee) “ahhhh….It’s like liquid Angels.”  I can TRULY relate to this.  Sigh.. Coffee.

How are you? I feel like I don’t hear from most of you very often. I want to ya know… hear from you. Why don’t you send me a line…  even if you just tell me how you are today. What’s on your mind? Will you share with me something in your life that will help me not feel so alone? I think that’s the prevailing state of mind…self deprecation at it’s best! yippee!

Let’s see… what else can I share? Hmm…

I’m making split pea soup right now.  It smells SO yummy on the stove. The Garlic-y, comfort inducing smell of soup. I’m doing the basic work and Peter will come and doctor it up when he gets home. My husband… the food doctor.  I heart my husband.  He makes me smile and laugh every day. I thank God for him for he helps me not take life so damn seriously. You really can’t take life seriously when your with Peter Russo.  Right now he’s calling himself Gangsta P… And I’m his Gangsta Wife… oh yea.. that’s my husband.

Let’s see… it’s been a constant barrage of getting rejected (with regard to getting “just a job”) It’s getting pretty unnerving to tell you the truth… And everyday… I keep asking myself… asking GOD… “WHAT am I missing?” What am I doing.. or NOT doing for that matter that’s making me not hit ANYWHERE on the target. I have long talks with my beloved Auntie about this and I want to say I KNOW what it is… (I don’t want to talk about it much here.. It’s VERY deep and all about God and Studying) that’s keeping me from working; but then there’s the fear side of me. Ugh. Back and forth like some psychotic see saw. Ugh the room is spinning.

Blah Blah what else can I share?

Peter and I put up our first Married Christmas Tree! I won’t lie, I didn’t really feel happy putting it up that I can’t really afford to put any gifts beneath it. It just plain bums me out.  It looks pretty. I  love the way it looks.. especially when my kitty girl is sleeping near or under it or when it’s dark out and the lights gleam from inside it. I have moments of sheer detachment and joy when I realize it’s not about Gifts AT ALL!!!! but the people who you love… and being with them. Again that damn psycho see saw…

A Random thought: I watched the finale of Jon and Kate plus 8 today. I just want to put my own two cents in. Kate has helped me a bit today. I mean talk about going into something HUGE not knowing the outcome because you are going with your gut. EVERY question she was asked she talked about a Silver Lining. Nice. (And how HOT does she look after having EIGHT kids!) She’s fashionable… and dedicated.. strong.  I like her. Not in some weird fanatical way… just in an admiration kinda way. I had an interview today and because I watched her show.. I spent a little more time on my makeup and hair…and I actually feel pretty today. (Boy my hair is getting long!!! Peter loves it! I’ve decided I’m going to keep growing it right until we move OUT of this area which I hope will be in this year and then RIGHT before I drive OUT of this area permanently once and for all;  I am going to get it ALL…. CUT…. OFF (no, not as short as Kates) !!!!! Fresh Start…. Fresh DO!

What else? Alright… don’t make a big deal out of this.. for we have NO idea how $$$ we’re going to do this… but the offer we delivered to the owner of this BLOW MY MIND.. I WANT TO RAISE MY FAMILY IN THIS HOUSE.. house got accepted!!! We could be living in this house by January 2010. What do I want? THIS. To get the HELL out of here… away from the dark cloud joo joo of unemployment in this area. The heartache of being heartbroken.. and start FRESH!!! Do I know that a fresh start doesn’t prevent any other doo doo from happening? yes… duh. But I deserve a Fresh Start Damn it!!! I want to move to this house and I want to get pregnant in the spring.. while we are in Italy on our REAL honeymoon!!!

Ugh….. I’m done rambling…. WHO THE HELL knows what’s going to happen? NOT ME!!! So until my next installment…

Talk to me.
Kerilyn