Earthquake below my feet,
here we go again…
Visions of the life I’ve been dreaming of,
erupting before my eyes.
Windows blowing out their glass,
Metal bending beneath the weight of this unexpected shift…
Riding the wave of concrete.
unsteady.
Not the first one for sure but this one,
a 9.2 on the Richter Scale.
Damn it; I just put the remains of the last shift back together
the glue just disintegrates as I try to keep it together in my hands.
NO longer able to go back to Life as I knew it.
NO longer able to recreate and feed the illusion of a purpose that was never really there.
Brain spinning – synapses not quick enough to calculate my next step
so I won’t fall into and dissappear into the Earth.
Screaming.
Did you hear me? SCREAMING
and yet never loud enough to send the signal to the
Control Tower
that I am WAY OFF my trajectory.
Oh and I’m not wearing an Emergency Life Vest.
and the seat beneath me does not magically transform into
a life raft.
Goodie.
Oxygen; our essential life force, dire to feed our heart and lungs,
Pure bliss to any passing dog in car;
the proverbial double edged sword while in the midst of the
fire; the presence of oxygen only assures for a bigger
burn.
I can’t breathe.
As I stand there,
I decide to crouch down clutch my knees and wait it out in order to see
what the world looks like now.
Tears fall as I say to myself…
It’s time…Kerilyn, it’s time to move AWAY from the regularity of these
Earthquakes, having to redesign my life one more time within the confines of these
four square miles.
It’s hard to just stay there… crouched down; while I hear the cries of the frightened people
running around me;
trying to lead me safety which doesn’t quite exist.
Their heart is in the right place but I have to trust myself…
possibly for the first time in my life and wait it out.
I stand up when the earth stops quivering…to take a look at the rubble that
surrounds me…
I pick out a familiar sight from the remains,
a loving memory in a frame, a piece of music
that inspires me…. my favorite sweatshirt.
Put my hands to my heart and ask the Infinite to guide me,
to protect me;
to bless me… as I walk away from all that I have known…
my false beliefs about myself and my contribution…
that I’m not good enough.. that I’m not brave.
the illusion that has kept me going all this time.
and walk onto the path that will take me
to a different state;
literally and emotionally,
body and mind;
with excitement and with trepidation…
I take that long awaited deep breath in.. the pure bliss kind.
head out the window.
and just drive….
into the sunset of something unfamiliar.

Wow.. Haven’t written a poem in QUITE a while.. figure it’s a more romantic way to express how I feel.
No sense in rambling on anymore…
Gonna get off here now… but before I do let me tell you ONE thing that I am so grateful for
This Thanksgiving.

That Change is Inevitable.
That I will NOT be in this space of utter confusion and panic forever.
That this time next year.. it is a guarantee that something in my life will look different.
Hopefully it will be me, my geographic location and my career (and my family status..i.e. we’re expecting!)
That gives me joy… and helps steer my boat toward some other shore…
Time flies… or so they say.
Let’s bring it on!

Happy Thanksgiving.
Much Love,
Kerilyn

Posted Wednesday, November 25th, 2009 at 5:59 pm | High Low. Subscribe to the comments RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.