Hiety Ho my lovelies…

A Super Sized ramble a brewin.. so get your Chai Latte (or Diet Coke) and settle in. (Glass o’ water for me please)

Let me just dive into it…It’s that time folks. oh yes. It’s…. Epiphany time!!! EPIPHANY TIME!!! (yippee!) Ready to go on the Kerilyn Roller Coaster? Buckle in… (PS: this post has turned in a different direction;  it wasn’t what i intended to be but I’m not editing the beginning.. going to just go with it.)

Okay.. before I spill I want to tell you that the subject I am about to speak of, for the next few paragraphs, is VERY tender and sensitive subject matter for me. You can call me Jacques Cousteaux for the next few momentos as I expose my deepest and darkest creatures.. er.. I mean fears. I ask you please Handle with Care.

Okay I will not lie. I think subconsciously or somewhere deep in the low lying vibration of who I am.. I have always known that I have spent my life listening to and seeking out what Others (I’m going to call them ‘they’) think I should be doing with my life instead of trusting myself. Whether you know me well or not, I think I’ve always had a low level of understanding of that about myself. Whether I liked to admit it. A Kindred spirit of mine wrote a while back, as we decided to split ways…

“I hope one day you love yourself enough to not need constant reassurances from everyone bout how they feel about you.”

Ouch. That was not very easy to hear BUT whether I LIKED to admit it or not… I know that Kindred Spirit was right. I do that. Even by writing this blog; I am in some Whacked out way.. asking for your approval.  Part of me says that I’m brave to be able to share my innards with you. And I do…believe I’m brave. Now there are thousands of blogs with thousands of people spilling their insides like I do. So I know i’m not alone in doing this… but I also agree that there part of my ramblings are so that I do NOT appear “crazy” to anyone. What “Crazy” means to me I still have no idea. I think in some wackadoo way I’m trying to convince you that my own damn thoughts and beliefs are sane or “normal”. How messed up is that? (DO NOT ANSWER THAT! HA HA! THAT WAS DIRECTED TOWARD MYSELF.)

Why am I telling you this? Because my epiphany is I realize I am STILL doing that and so it is my intention to learn to take my own damn advice. To somehow UNLEARN to look outside of myself for the answers. I tell others… “Trust your gut.. don’t listen to anyone else (including Kerilyn) except yourself.” But I can’t do it for myself? Kettle… you’re black! So I’m admitting my hypocrisy and bringing it to my own surface for my OWN observation and correction.

Reading a really good book called “The Fear Book” by Cheri Huber thanks to a close friends recommendation. It talks about when we were children, we were fearless. We were in the moment… doing what felt good and happy to us. Then our parents fears overshadowed us and told us “NO! Don’t touch that!” NO, Will you behave!” NO! What’s wrong with you? GET DOWN!” and eventually.. we learned to not trust our own desire to live in the moment, but constantly look for ourward assurances of our next steps. Now TRUE everyone has varying degrees of resistance to outward projected fears… but this makes total sense to me.

Being sensitive and emotional to begin with, I probably was more open to seeing these external fears directed at me as something that I’m doing wrong. And eventually I learned not to trust myself. Sad really.

You want to know a fun fact about Kerilyn?

I KNEW that I wanted to be a psychologist at the age of 10. Yep TEN! I told all my friends and family that’s what I was doing when I grew up.  (With a Minor in Italian that is..) It’s what I KNEW I wanted to do. I went to college at West Virginia University as a Psych major. I was so gung ho about it too. I wanted to do it because it was helping people to trust your own emotions. Yep. And in school.. I found out very quickly that learning to be a good psychologist was about diagnosing and NOT so much about emotion. It it is true that it’s called a Behavioral Science. To me it wasn’t about science.. it was emotion. And that disconnect from emotion sent me spinning.  Whew.. years of academic probation and not understanding myself.. why I wasn’t doing well. I KNEW I wanted to do what a psychologist did.. talk to someone.. one on one. But couldn’t grasp that it ended up having nothing to do with emotion. So with my parents suggestion I took an aptitude test that told me what I would be ‘good’ at for a career.. I got a 20 page report and at the end it said I should be doing something in Art and Communication. My best friend at the time, Heather, she was in Interior Design and well.. it was Art and Communication so I changed my major. Because I was FEELING it? No. Because I didn’t know what else to do. And because there is way more to life than we can see.. it must’ve been a direction I was meant to go in.. because It happened so smoothly.. Transferring into Int. Design and then getting accepted at SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design)… it was a breeze! So I took that as a sign that I was on the right track (finally!) It took me a while but I really came to love being in Art School.. you know why? The emotion!!!! Damn it if art brought out emotion. (Thank You my Beloved Kyle for teaching me SOOO much in that realm.. I am eternally grateful and love you very much!!!)

So here I am.. FEELING like I’m doing something I’m supposed to be doing.. NOT necessarily If I were to be honest.. be doing that I always felt driven to do… Graduated and Immediately started the spinning cycle of jobs… Which got me doubting what the hell I’m doing in first place..

TEN YEARS OF NOT FEELING IT!!! Ten Years and EIGHT Jobs…Feeling like I know I should be doing something else.. I’ll admit that after Layoff 3 at KCCT Architects I officially lost my spirit for whatever design interest I had. I then made decisions NOT on what design inspired me.. but what I could just ‘do’ without getting laid off.  Not quite ever feeling like I had what it took to succeed. Yes. I loved my job at Chasens… loved WHERE I worked in relation to where I lived and being in my favorite city, Alexandria. Loved that I worked looking onto the water.. but come on people!!! Doing systems furniture is putting a puzzle together. it’s not creative.. it’s far from it. I did the job that allowed me to feel safe.. and to NOT have to feel like I’m not in the right place (wow.. admittedly writing this I feel on the brink of crying – I’m really diving in.. shit if i care if you care how long this is.. I’m doing this for me) And YET FUCKING AGAIN I lose my safe job. TRUE it’s not cause of anything I did but STILL!!! COME ON!!!!! Wow..

HOW MANY DAMN TIMES DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN BEFORE I WAKE UP?????

And my previous posting.. about just “getting a JOB” vs. a career or finding my calling. ALL ALONG PEOPLE!!!! Oh my GOD!!! ALL ALONG!!! My perception has been totally totally off.. for longer than I can even THINK!!!!

DESIGN HAS JUST BEEN ‘A JOB’ FOR ME. and I placed way to much misdirected energy at thinking it was my CALLING. Design has just been a way of making money!!! I have been looking in the wrong direction ALL ALONG!!! Totally weeping now at the enormousness of this revelation!!!!! I’ve “wasted” ten years of my life thinking something was more than just a fucking job!!!!

One thing I would place a MILLION dollar bet on for the rest of my life.. is that I will NEVER give up.  I could’ve just resided to accept the ‘what is’ of it all.. and I try to sometimes.. just accept it.. but the truth is that something just didn’t feel right… and I’m finally SEEING THE LIGHT!!! I’m glad I came to this revelation on my own for the most part with little bits of insight from my friends. (Thank You.. you know who you are)

So I’m going back to where I began. I’m sitting with my revelation and turning my car around and CHOOSING to go in the direction I should have gone ALL ALONG!!! Thank You Jesus!!! (No Seriously.. Thank You Master Teacher Jesus and Saint Thomas!!!!!)

It’s no wonder why I have had a pull toward seeking out Life Coaching Programs lately.. I’ve had conference calls and teleconferences and emails with many Life Coaches. Then this touches on my fear of “What are “They” going to think?” which brings up my fear that “they” think I should “figure myself out first” before I become a Life Coach. I know who I feel “they” are including my parents.. the initial start to me not trusting my own decisions. (Every parent runs into this I’m SURE!) If I were to look at who “they” are in my life.. Who are THEY to tell me what to do REALLY? I mean do THEY have it all figured out? Uh again.. Million dollar bet NO.. and that I would be rich.

So with all that said.. admitting I’m scared. Learning to trust myself ; possibly for the first time without wanting to reach out to someone to help keep me afloat.. POSSIBLY having to bump into someone that actually does think I’m crazy or what have you.. I need to do this. FOR ME.

So I say it.. with MUCH excitement.. with a feeling of coming home to what I really feel I should have been doing all along.

I AM BECOMING A LIFE COACH.

If you are interested in what one is.. here is a basic definition set by the Program I am pretty sure I’m going to be taking. (Still gotta work out the details/$$$) It makes me cry to say all this to you and mostly to myself.. not becaues i’m sad.. but because I’m finally trusting MYSELF possibly for the first time in my life… No matter what anyone thinks.

The “just a job” is there.. am hopeful to hear by Thankgiving. But what thisdreamergirl will be giving Thanks to this year is I have a husband who supports me wholeheartedly in my quest, and that I have the courage to NEVER give up!!!

Thank You. I did not intend for this posting to go in this direction when I began it.. but I’m glad it did. I feel good letting you in on what I’m planning on doing. NOT for your approval.. but to Let Go.

Wow.. I think it’s time for a drink. Where’s the DiSaronno?
Much Love,
Kerilyn