Okay Let’s cut to the chase cause I’ve been spinning a bit lately in his head o’ mine and I gotta get this out… Get your cup of tea or your favorite beer ready, this ones going to be a doosy…

Firstly, How am I? I have no idea if you’re even wondering but I’m just going to tell you anyway…   I’m alright. Dang it if Life recently on a day to day basis has been like a roller coaster ride.. I wake up with anticipation of what my day looks like.. kinda like walking up to the Ride… wondering how it’s going to go…wishing that my regularly scheduled program of shower/morning coffee/ meditation then go to work was in place. Then smooths out a bit while morning coffee in hand (ahh)then we’re OFF..one minute I’m flying thru the air looking around…feeling SO grateful for my blessings.. feeling like something amazing is happening and I just have to HOLD ON TIGHT!!!  then BAM I’m jerked this way (visualize being on that roller coaster) and that and I’m now upside down and wondering when I’m getting off this thing….am I going to throw up? Do I REALLY like being at these heights? … only to end my day the same way I started.. pulling into the station both with excitement and anticipation as I ask myself “Let’s do this again!!!???”

Yep it’s been quite a ride.. Here’s the kicker.. This specific roller coaster  is designed solely just for me. Even my wonderful husband (still sounds weird) as much as he tries.. only ends up frustrated because he cannot quite understand.

Because it’s NOT “just a job”!!! Nothing is “just a job” for me. I do not know how to separate myself from what I’m doing enough to see it as just a way of bringing in money… It’s not how I’m programmed. When Peter says.. “Honey.. you need to ‘hit the streets’ and ‘get a job” This is what I hear…..

نشانی از این حس به من من نمی دانم چگونه برای جدا کردن این دو چیز را نمی

Yea.. okay but just for appeasement sake.. I’ve been looking for “a job”… Crate and Barrel, Barnes and Noble, Container Store, Whole Foods, Aveda – at this point to no avail. I’ve been on what I call “after school job ‘interviews’” and I’ve run into this very strange and HIGHLY offended phenomenon… which I’m about to spew for you right now. (Just so you know that what I’m about to say does NOT mean I’m perfect or that I am somehow better than in ANY way – just my own experience with a dab of stereotype mixed in.)

Okay.. I have degree. I have been in a position where I get a steady paycheck.. making WELL over $7.50-$14.00/hour with benefits, vacation days, free parking, expense reports, etc…  What I consider that is what most of the intellectual world calls “white collar” job. To clarify.. here is what I mean by White Collar and Blue Collar (via Wickipedia)

Here I am… just needing something to keep me occupied. I thought I’d find something that I myself enjoy that would make a filler ‘job’ more enjoyable. I thought that it would be relatively easy to find something. Nope. Not at all. Here’s how it plays out.   I go to these retail locations that I would enjoy being a part of and I get treated like I am a convict or that it’s some HUGE COMPLIMENT to even be considered to work there. If I don’t bow down to the person I’m “interviewing” with.. then I’m dismissed with a “Don’t call us.. we’ll call you” or what I’ve found more of is.. “We’re in the process of hiring right now and we’ll give you a call next week.” To NEVER hear from anyone. What the F? Are you kidding me?  At Aveda; where I have spent probably thousands of dollars to date on product and services, because Peter and I discussed that I would not work at my ‘job’ on Sundays.. because he’s off and hey.. I have a life too. the Manager practically scowled when I said Sundays are out but I am totally flexible 6 of the other days of the week… then proceeded to say “Well.. (scowling) we really are looking for someone who is completely flexible 7 days a week.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Am I supposed to just clear all my own priorities for some measly $10/hour job? Really? Are you kidding me? is what I feel I want to say over and over to them? Hello? I’m someone who just wants to help out.. freaking FIT ME IN where you can! Dang… Crate and Barrel “interview” … met the manager who was cute in her cute little dress and boots.. sat me down and seemed interested.. told me she’d call me. Have I gotten a call? You take a guess. Then the kicker.. yesterday at Barnes and Noble.. the seasonal work is just to run the cashier which I’m totally cool with..(My secret life long dream of running a Cashier but thats another story)  but get this… $7.50/hour!!!What? Even IF I work 40 hours a week at that rate.. BEFORE taxes I wouldn’t even make what so graciously gets deposited from the Government each week with unemployment. And Peter is bitching at me to “just get out and get a job!!!”

Now I can see where you would think I’m being snooty. But here’s the thing.. I would NEVER be treated this way if I was interviewing in my own industry. And even if I am kidding myself that I am wrong – at least I have somewhat of an advantage with my experience and education. It’s just a given that Weekends are out and Insurance is automatic (as is paychecks with direct deposit) Here I am.. walking from store to store practically BEGGING these would be Supervisors to Hire me? Do YOU see the emotional/moral issue I’m having here? And.. at the end of the day when Peter comes home and says “So… what did you do today?” What am I to tell him? Um… I prostrated myself at 4 retailers today honey! Yippee! See these wounds on my knees husband? Thats from dragging them on the ground as I parade around the store following the manager saying “PLEASE.. PLEASE HIRE ME!” uh no. OR… I walk into another retail establishment (Whole Foods or Container Store) and they say.. we don’t accept applications in person.. the application process is handled online… When you get home go to our website and fill out an application.” WHAT? WHY DID I GET SHOWERED ALL DOLLED UP JUST TO HEAR THIS? I COULD BE IN MY PAJAMAS DRINKING COFFEE AND WATCHING OPRAH RIGHT NOW WHILE I APPLY TO WORK THERE!!!”  are you kidding me?

And yea a big BLAH BLAH to the broken record that this has ANYTHING to do with the Economy. It doesn’t. It’s always like this. So my internal HeavyWeight Champion Boxing fight in virtual ‘ring’ in my head is. White Collar vs Blue Collar? Which is “Better?”  wow…

Now back up.. I will admit a snooty stereotype of my own. Yep.. I’m not above anyone to admit I have my own. When I was in college and was failing because I was having a hard time grasping what I was actually learning vs what I wanted to learn…. I would get into shouting matches with my father saying ” I WILL NEVER FLIP BURGERS FOR MY JOB!!!” whew.. I bring myself back to the shame I felt when I visualized myself doing that. It was a metaphor for.. I will NOT ever work for something that I didn’t EARN due to working hard and believing in something; just working to work.. the mindless, non-purpose filled life!!! It makes me cringe. So that’s probably where some(most) of my resistance to this is. This is what it’s come to… “flipping burgers”.. and that makes me feel like I’ve failed.  So if you will.. let me just get this out..

I’VE FAILED!!! I FEEL LIKE A BIG FAT FAILURE!!! FAIL FAIL FAIL!!! A BIG F ON THE PAPER OF MY LIFE!!!!

Sigh.. that actually makes me feel a little better.

Okay so now what? Ha Ha.. Another Friday.. in my PJ’s.. looking on Craigslist… making phone calls asking “Are you hiring for Seasonal work?” and then I put my ear REALLY close to the phone to listen for some snide attitude.. some “oh.. another one of  those people.”  I’m now believing that those that work in these stereotypical “blue collar” jobs think they’re BETTER than. The people who pick up the phone don’t know if I have a Masters Degree or if I’m still working to get my GED and yet they treat me like I’m somehow LESS than them who is currently employed.”

So.. I play the pity card. “Yea.. I’m an Interior Designer” which usually brightens up their face with this “Wow that’s such a cool job to have!”  excitement then I say “Yea.. my company just went bankrupt and I find myself unemployed.” Which usually works to render a level or two more of interest…so they can know that I am educated and subscribe to the philosophy of 9-5, Monday thru Friday…  but that’s just if I am able to spit that out…  but in the end I still receive the same treatment… “Don’t call us.. we’ll call you.”  Hilarious.

And to make matters worse… Peter teeters on the edge of a Blue Collar/White Collar world. There are parts of his job that are stereotypically Blue Collar.. dealing with Line Cooks that don’t show up or don’t speak ANY English having to negotiate with a dishwasher.. I can tell he’s used to it. Plus his job is NOT at a desk… so right off the bat he doesn’t understand having your own phone extension and to check the fax machine for an incoming. Then at the same time he does because he’s technically a manager in his own right.. going to managers meetings while his phone is ‘blowing up’ with texts about who’s opening and who’s closing, etc.. He walks the line. I’d say he leans more toward Blue than White… so like DJ Jazzy Jeff says.. “Parents (or in this case Husbands) just don’t understand.”

So yep.. thats where I am.. And if you talk to Peter.. can you help him understand how I’m feeling.. because it just ends up in confusion and misunderstandings which look like two people who love each other and are SO happy to be married.. just bickering and being frustrated.. which is NOT where we both want to be right now.

Okay I gots lots more to say… but time for an Intermission…
Much Love,
Kerilyn

UPDATE MOMENTS FROM PUBLISHING THIS: I hit publish on this post and got up to get the mail where I receive this lovely little generic letter from Crate and Barrel (I’ve blacked out the Managers name… no need to get personal here) Hilarious. I don’t know if I want to laugh or to cry.