Earthquake below my feet,
here we go again…
Visions of the life I’ve been dreaming of,
erupting before my eyes.
Windows blowing out their glass,
Metal bending beneath the weight of this unexpected shift…
Riding the wave of concrete.
unsteady.
Not the first one for sure but this one,
a 9.2 on the Richter Scale.
Damn it; I just put the remains of the last shift back together
the glue just disintegrates as I try to keep it together in my hands.
NO longer able to go back to Life as I knew it.
NO longer able to recreate and feed the illusion of a purpose that was never really there.
Brain spinning – synapses not quick enough to calculate my next step
so I won’t fall into and dissappear into the Earth.
Screaming.
Did you hear me? SCREAMING
and yet never loud enough to send the signal to the
Control Tower
that I am WAY OFF my trajectory.
Oh and I’m not wearing an Emergency Life Vest.
and the seat beneath me does not magically transform into
a life raft.
Goodie.
Oxygen; our essential life force, dire to feed our heart and lungs,
Pure bliss to any passing dog in car;
the proverbial double edged sword while in the midst of the
fire; the presence of oxygen only assures for a bigger
burn.
I can’t breathe.
As I stand there,
I decide to crouch down clutch my knees and wait it out in order to see
what the world looks like now.
Tears fall as I say to myself…
It’s time…Kerilyn, it’s time to move AWAY from the regularity of these
Earthquakes, having to redesign my life one more time within the confines of these
four square miles.
It’s hard to just stay there… crouched down; while I hear the cries of the frightened people
running around me;
trying to lead me safety which doesn’t quite exist.
Their heart is in the right place but I have to trust myself…
possibly for the first time in my life and wait it out.
I stand up when the earth stops quivering…to take a look at the rubble that
surrounds me…
I pick out a familiar sight from the remains,
a loving memory in a frame, a piece of music
that inspires me…. my favorite sweatshirt.
Put my hands to my heart and ask the Infinite to guide me,
to protect me;
to bless me… as I walk away from all that I have known…
my false beliefs about myself and my contribution…
that I’m not good enough.. that I’m not brave.
the illusion that has kept me going all this time.
and walk onto the path that will take me
to a different state;
literally and emotionally,
body and mind;
with excitement and with trepidation…
I take that long awaited deep breath in.. the pure bliss kind.
head out the window.
and just drive….
into the sunset of something unfamiliar.

Wow.. Haven’t written a poem in QUITE a while.. figure it’s a more romantic way to express how I feel.
No sense in rambling on anymore…
Gonna get off here now… but before I do let me tell you ONE thing that I am so grateful for
This Thanksgiving.

That Change is Inevitable.
That I will NOT be in this space of utter confusion and panic forever.
That this time next year.. it is a guarantee that something in my life will look different.
Hopefully it will be me, my geographic location and my career (and my family status..i.e. we’re expecting!)
That gives me joy… and helps steer my boat toward some other shore…
Time flies… or so they say.
Let’s bring it on!

Happy Thanksgiving.
Much Love,
Kerilyn

Hey my lovely ladybugs…

Thanks for all your wonderful comments and support. It means a lot.  Don’t worry this post will be a LOT lighter…

My favorite blogger, Boho Girl always inspires me. She has a great circle of friends who stand by her side to inspire and be inspired by her.  She also had a pretty large following in the blog world of which I’m really intrigued by. I would love to one day have a steady group of blog world kindred spirits to connect with… Meh one step at a time.

Anyway it’s a rabbit hole with Awesome Blogs… You find one you love and she’ll (for me they’ve been women I’ve came across) usually lead you to another and another.. you look up from your computer and it’s 3 hours later and it’s like your in the time space continuum..

So She lead me to Her.. which lead me to Her.

So I’m going to follow suit… called “Fancy a Few Questions?”

where is your cell phone?
within arms reach.  always.

your hair?
at it’s longest that I can recollect.

your mom?
responsible for introducing me to the art of eyebrow waxing at the ripe ‘ol age of 16.

your dad?
probably watching CNN right now.

your favorite food?
EVERYTHING except celery (bleh times infinity) , Foie Gras and Brie. The act of bashing/cutting/cleaning anything internal that was once living and came from the sea.

your dream last nite?
i rarely remember my dreams but this past week I had a dream about being in a haunted house.

your favorite drink?
since i cannot drink two things at one time, here is my list of favorite things to drink. i prefer water as a regular beverage of choice along with my daily cup (or two) of coffee (light and sweet) , a tumbler of DiSaronno with a few cubes, a glass of medium body red or a chilled fruity white and an endless cup of sweet tea.

your dream/goal?
- write a book – have a HUGE blog following – make a LOT of money – have a really great house – to be the spokesperson for Married to a Chef, to have a very strong client base when I become a Life Coach that is integrated into the MtaC website. – run a 10K  – have (2) beautiful daughters both with natural red hair (Hey I can dream!)  – to visit Prague, Montreal, Seattle, Portland, Brazil, Amsterdam, Croatia

the room you are in?
our living room sitting on the couch with my beloved kitty girl laying next to me while i finish up a movie/ not my dream living room but meh.. it’s temporary.

what is your hobby?
reading, knitting… honestly i should have more hobbies.

what is your fear?
i’m going to be totally honest here…struggling for money, continuing to go from job to job, being too controlling to my future children.

where were you last nite?
at my husbands restaurant with Bonnie and Jason Sanders eating a lovely meal.. It was a great time!

something you are not?
Perfect.

muffins?
corn please

on your wish list?
- moving to that house in Charleston,SC  (fingers crossed) with a BEAUTIFUL house full of brand new furniture including one of the bedrooms with a brand new nursery and another a beautiful office. – a completed Married to a Chef website that I can tell everyone that wants to hear (ahem.. Food and Wine Magazine, Washingtonian, Oprah?) so that I can reach out to tens of thousands of significant others so they don’t have to ever feel alone.  – have a really great white trench coat that looks hot on me.  OOH.. one of those speedlights for my SLR that I can bounce the flash instead of right at someone. – SO excited to be sitting with other people who are also interested in becoming a life coach!!  -having an easy time when it comes to publishing my book.

where did you grow up?
born in brooklyn,nyc and lived in Queens. – moved to Hamilton Square, NJ when I was 6. moved to Washington,NJ when I was 11 until I graduated from High School. I say I’m from New Jersey with family roots in Queens (Still do)

last thing you did?
thats a strange question. it’s been a lazy saturday for me.. not alot on my agenda today. chillin in my pj’s watching TV and trying to get all these questions answered.

what are you wearing?
i feel like  a serious dork when i tell you  i’m in my black nightgown (no not of the teddy sort) and warm socks.

your TV?
on way too much when i’m not working. when i am working it’s used primarily to watch DVR shows only.

your pets?
my beautiful orange kitty girl pez that i love so much…

your friends?
absolute miracles that i thank God everyday for…near and far.

your life?
about to get REALLY exciting!!!!!

your mood?
like the Karate Kid painting the fence… UPPPPPP and DOWN…

missing someone?
i miss my grandpa every day.

your vehicle?
currently my dream car,my VW Jetta V6 Red Manual… but my future dream car would be a Brand New VW Beetle Convertible OR okay I’ll admit it..the Toureq (SUV) – I can’t believe I’m saying that. Dreams of domesticated bliss.

something your not wearing?
i’m not wearing this necklace or…this dress or these shoes

your favorite store?
hands down – Aveda and ETSY , as well as  Uncommon Goods, Signals , ooh and Supermarket … Macys for clothes.

your favorite color?
this is a tough question cause i like different colors for different things.. i’m really craving orange lately.. and purple..l but  my lifelong favorite color is red..  ooh..

last time you laughed?
last nite at dinner with Bonnie and Jason.. lotsa laughs.

last time you cried?
um… i want to say a few days ago… probably to Peter. I thank God he’s my husband.

your best friend?
i have many.. throughout the years.. and i don’t care if noone understands.. they are all my BEST friends. Whether i talk to them every day or every year (or every 5 years). They are in my heart.. I know I am in theirs…and thats what makes them the best.

one place you go over and over?
to my bed – every day… over and over.. every day of my life.

guilty pleasure?
Daydreaming of how I want my life to be… as soon as I start thinking about it.. it makes me smile and if I’m in my car..  turn the volume up on my Reggae or Dance tunes and rock out in my car!!! Sigh.. Imagination… gotta love it. (especially when I now know it’s the way to Manifest my Destiny!)

favorite place to eat?
this is a loaded question. my favorite location to eat in my house is on the sofa watching TV.  Outside of the house.. I’d say in NO particular order

• Pho at Viet House on Richmond Highway in Alexandria
• Filet Mignon/Potato Al gratin/Creamed Spinach at Carslyle in Shirlington, VA
• Chicken Fajitas at Silverado in Annandale, VA
• A Rueben Sandwich with Fries at The Stage Deli in Manhattan, NYC
• Plaintains at Abis Restaurante in Arlington, VA
• Japanese Steakhouse at Kyotos in Savannah, GA
• Cashew Chicken at Roly Poly in Savannah, GA

oh man I can DEFINITELY go on….

where do you want to be in 6 years?
Living somewhere other than here in VA  in a single family house (3-4 bedroom conducive to having a family/having Christmas at our house) with (2) children and a Successful Life Coaching Practice being the spokesperson for Married to a Chef all over the world… traveling and reaching out to others – with a published book under my wing.. frequently visiting my husband at the Restaurant where he is working as the Executive Chef. Running and/or working out every day while still finding plenty of time to visit my friends all over the country and balanced enough to be home to have a family meal with my family and help with homework.  Makes me happy to visualize!!!

Now that was fun!!! Hope you enjoy being a part of my world.
Much Love,
Kerilyn

Hiety Ho my lovelies…

A Super Sized ramble a brewin.. so get your Chai Latte (or Diet Coke) and settle in. (Glass o’ water for me please)

Let me just dive into it…It’s that time folks. oh yes. It’s…. Epiphany time!!! EPIPHANY TIME!!! (yippee!) Ready to go on the Kerilyn Roller Coaster? Buckle in… (PS: this post has turned in a different direction;  it wasn’t what i intended to be but I’m not editing the beginning.. going to just go with it.)

Okay.. before I spill I want to tell you that the subject I am about to speak of, for the next few paragraphs, is VERY tender and sensitive subject matter for me. You can call me Jacques Cousteaux for the next few momentos as I expose my deepest and darkest creatures.. er.. I mean fears. I ask you please Handle with Care.

Okay I will not lie. I think subconsciously or somewhere deep in the low lying vibration of who I am.. I have always known that I have spent my life listening to and seeking out what Others (I’m going to call them ‘they’) think I should be doing with my life instead of trusting myself. Whether you know me well or not, I think I’ve always had a low level of understanding of that about myself. Whether I liked to admit it. A Kindred spirit of mine wrote a while back, as we decided to split ways…

“I hope one day you love yourself enough to not need constant reassurances from everyone bout how they feel about you.”

Ouch. That was not very easy to hear BUT whether I LIKED to admit it or not… I know that Kindred Spirit was right. I do that. Even by writing this blog; I am in some Whacked out way.. asking for your approval.  Part of me says that I’m brave to be able to share my innards with you. And I do…believe I’m brave. Now there are thousands of blogs with thousands of people spilling their insides like I do. So I know i’m not alone in doing this… but I also agree that there part of my ramblings are so that I do NOT appear “crazy” to anyone. What “Crazy” means to me I still have no idea. I think in some wackadoo way I’m trying to convince you that my own damn thoughts and beliefs are sane or “normal”. How messed up is that? (DO NOT ANSWER THAT! HA HA! THAT WAS DIRECTED TOWARD MYSELF.)

Why am I telling you this? Because my epiphany is I realize I am STILL doing that and so it is my intention to learn to take my own damn advice. To somehow UNLEARN to look outside of myself for the answers. I tell others… “Trust your gut.. don’t listen to anyone else (including Kerilyn) except yourself.” But I can’t do it for myself? Kettle… you’re black! So I’m admitting my hypocrisy and bringing it to my own surface for my OWN observation and correction.

Reading a really good book called “The Fear Book” by Cheri Huber thanks to a close friends recommendation. It talks about when we were children, we were fearless. We were in the moment… doing what felt good and happy to us. Then our parents fears overshadowed us and told us “NO! Don’t touch that!” NO, Will you behave!” NO! What’s wrong with you? GET DOWN!” and eventually.. we learned to not trust our own desire to live in the moment, but constantly look for ourward assurances of our next steps. Now TRUE everyone has varying degrees of resistance to outward projected fears… but this makes total sense to me.

Being sensitive and emotional to begin with, I probably was more open to seeing these external fears directed at me as something that I’m doing wrong. And eventually I learned not to trust myself. Sad really.

You want to know a fun fact about Kerilyn?

I KNEW that I wanted to be a psychologist at the age of 10. Yep TEN! I told all my friends and family that’s what I was doing when I grew up.  (With a Minor in Italian that is..) It’s what I KNEW I wanted to do. I went to college at West Virginia University as a Psych major. I was so gung ho about it too. I wanted to do it because it was helping people to trust your own emotions. Yep. And in school.. I found out very quickly that learning to be a good psychologist was about diagnosing and NOT so much about emotion. It it is true that it’s called a Behavioral Science. To me it wasn’t about science.. it was emotion. And that disconnect from emotion sent me spinning.  Whew.. years of academic probation and not understanding myself.. why I wasn’t doing well. I KNEW I wanted to do what a psychologist did.. talk to someone.. one on one. But couldn’t grasp that it ended up having nothing to do with emotion. So with my parents suggestion I took an aptitude test that told me what I would be ‘good’ at for a career.. I got a 20 page report and at the end it said I should be doing something in Art and Communication. My best friend at the time, Heather, she was in Interior Design and well.. it was Art and Communication so I changed my major. Because I was FEELING it? No. Because I didn’t know what else to do. And because there is way more to life than we can see.. it must’ve been a direction I was meant to go in.. because It happened so smoothly.. Transferring into Int. Design and then getting accepted at SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design)… it was a breeze! So I took that as a sign that I was on the right track (finally!) It took me a while but I really came to love being in Art School.. you know why? The emotion!!!! Damn it if art brought out emotion. (Thank You my Beloved Kyle for teaching me SOOO much in that realm.. I am eternally grateful and love you very much!!!)

So here I am.. FEELING like I’m doing something I’m supposed to be doing.. NOT necessarily If I were to be honest.. be doing that I always felt driven to do… Graduated and Immediately started the spinning cycle of jobs… Which got me doubting what the hell I’m doing in first place..

TEN YEARS OF NOT FEELING IT!!! Ten Years and EIGHT Jobs…Feeling like I know I should be doing something else.. I’ll admit that after Layoff 3 at KCCT Architects I officially lost my spirit for whatever design interest I had. I then made decisions NOT on what design inspired me.. but what I could just ‘do’ without getting laid off.  Not quite ever feeling like I had what it took to succeed. Yes. I loved my job at Chasens… loved WHERE I worked in relation to where I lived and being in my favorite city, Alexandria. Loved that I worked looking onto the water.. but come on people!!! Doing systems furniture is putting a puzzle together. it’s not creative.. it’s far from it. I did the job that allowed me to feel safe.. and to NOT have to feel like I’m not in the right place (wow.. admittedly writing this I feel on the brink of crying – I’m really diving in.. shit if i care if you care how long this is.. I’m doing this for me) And YET FUCKING AGAIN I lose my safe job. TRUE it’s not cause of anything I did but STILL!!! COME ON!!!!! Wow..

HOW MANY DAMN TIMES DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN BEFORE I WAKE UP?????

And my previous posting.. about just “getting a JOB” vs. a career or finding my calling. ALL ALONG PEOPLE!!!! Oh my GOD!!! ALL ALONG!!! My perception has been totally totally off.. for longer than I can even THINK!!!!

DESIGN HAS JUST BEEN ‘A JOB’ FOR ME. and I placed way to much misdirected energy at thinking it was my CALLING. Design has just been a way of making money!!! I have been looking in the wrong direction ALL ALONG!!! Totally weeping now at the enormousness of this revelation!!!!! I’ve “wasted” ten years of my life thinking something was more than just a fucking job!!!!

One thing I would place a MILLION dollar bet on for the rest of my life.. is that I will NEVER give up.  I could’ve just resided to accept the ‘what is’ of it all.. and I try to sometimes.. just accept it.. but the truth is that something just didn’t feel right… and I’m finally SEEING THE LIGHT!!! I’m glad I came to this revelation on my own for the most part with little bits of insight from my friends. (Thank You.. you know who you are)

So I’m going back to where I began. I’m sitting with my revelation and turning my car around and CHOOSING to go in the direction I should have gone ALL ALONG!!! Thank You Jesus!!! (No Seriously.. Thank You Master Teacher Jesus and Saint Thomas!!!!!)

It’s no wonder why I have had a pull toward seeking out Life Coaching Programs lately.. I’ve had conference calls and teleconferences and emails with many Life Coaches. Then this touches on my fear of “What are “They” going to think?” which brings up my fear that “they” think I should “figure myself out first” before I become a Life Coach. I know who I feel “they” are including my parents.. the initial start to me not trusting my own decisions. (Every parent runs into this I’m SURE!) If I were to look at who “they” are in my life.. Who are THEY to tell me what to do REALLY? I mean do THEY have it all figured out? Uh again.. Million dollar bet NO.. and that I would be rich.

So with all that said.. admitting I’m scared. Learning to trust myself ; possibly for the first time without wanting to reach out to someone to help keep me afloat.. POSSIBLY having to bump into someone that actually does think I’m crazy or what have you.. I need to do this. FOR ME.

So I say it.. with MUCH excitement.. with a feeling of coming home to what I really feel I should have been doing all along.

I AM BECOMING A LIFE COACH.

If you are interested in what one is.. here is a basic definition set by the Program I am pretty sure I’m going to be taking. (Still gotta work out the details/$$$) It makes me cry to say all this to you and mostly to myself.. not becaues i’m sad.. but because I’m finally trusting MYSELF possibly for the first time in my life… No matter what anyone thinks.

The “just a job” is there.. am hopeful to hear by Thankgiving. But what thisdreamergirl will be giving Thanks to this year is I have a husband who supports me wholeheartedly in my quest, and that I have the courage to NEVER give up!!!

Thank You. I did not intend for this posting to go in this direction when I began it.. but I’m glad it did. I feel good letting you in on what I’m planning on doing. NOT for your approval.. but to Let Go.

Wow.. I think it’s time for a drink. Where’s the DiSaronno?
Much Love,
Kerilyn

Okay Let’s cut to the chase cause I’ve been spinning a bit lately in his head o’ mine and I gotta get this out… Get your cup of tea or your favorite beer ready, this ones going to be a doosy…

Firstly, How am I? I have no idea if you’re even wondering but I’m just going to tell you anyway…   I’m alright. Dang it if Life recently on a day to day basis has been like a roller coaster ride.. I wake up with anticipation of what my day looks like.. kinda like walking up to the Ride… wondering how it’s going to go…wishing that my regularly scheduled program of shower/morning coffee/ meditation then go to work was in place. Then smooths out a bit while morning coffee in hand (ahh)then we’re OFF..one minute I’m flying thru the air looking around…feeling SO grateful for my blessings.. feeling like something amazing is happening and I just have to HOLD ON TIGHT!!!  then BAM I’m jerked this way (visualize being on that roller coaster) and that and I’m now upside down and wondering when I’m getting off this thing….am I going to throw up? Do I REALLY like being at these heights? … only to end my day the same way I started.. pulling into the station both with excitement and anticipation as I ask myself “Let’s do this again!!!???”

Yep it’s been quite a ride.. Here’s the kicker.. This specific roller coaster  is designed solely just for me. Even my wonderful husband (still sounds weird) as much as he tries.. only ends up frustrated because he cannot quite understand.

Because it’s NOT “just a job”!!! Nothing is “just a job” for me. I do not know how to separate myself from what I’m doing enough to see it as just a way of bringing in money… It’s not how I’m programmed. When Peter says.. “Honey.. you need to ‘hit the streets’ and ‘get a job” This is what I hear…..

نشانی از این حس به من من نمی دانم چگونه برای جدا کردن این دو چیز را نمی

Yea.. okay but just for appeasement sake.. I’ve been looking for “a job”… Crate and Barrel, Barnes and Noble, Container Store, Whole Foods, Aveda – at this point to no avail. I’ve been on what I call “after school job ‘interviews’” and I’ve run into this very strange and HIGHLY offended phenomenon… which I’m about to spew for you right now. (Just so you know that what I’m about to say does NOT mean I’m perfect or that I am somehow better than in ANY way – just my own experience with a dab of stereotype mixed in.)

Okay.. I have degree. I have been in a position where I get a steady paycheck.. making WELL over $7.50-$14.00/hour with benefits, vacation days, free parking, expense reports, etc…  What I consider that is what most of the intellectual world calls “white collar” job. To clarify.. here is what I mean by White Collar and Blue Collar (via Wickipedia)

Here I am… just needing something to keep me occupied. I thought I’d find something that I myself enjoy that would make a filler ‘job’ more enjoyable. I thought that it would be relatively easy to find something. Nope. Not at all. Here’s how it plays out.   I go to these retail locations that I would enjoy being a part of and I get treated like I am a convict or that it’s some HUGE COMPLIMENT to even be considered to work there. If I don’t bow down to the person I’m “interviewing” with.. then I’m dismissed with a “Don’t call us.. we’ll call you” or what I’ve found more of is.. “We’re in the process of hiring right now and we’ll give you a call next week.” To NEVER hear from anyone. What the F? Are you kidding me?  At Aveda; where I have spent probably thousands of dollars to date on product and services, because Peter and I discussed that I would not work at my ‘job’ on Sundays.. because he’s off and hey.. I have a life too. the Manager practically scowled when I said Sundays are out but I am totally flexible 6 of the other days of the week… then proceeded to say “Well.. (scowling) we really are looking for someone who is completely flexible 7 days a week.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Am I supposed to just clear all my own priorities for some measly $10/hour job? Really? Are you kidding me? is what I feel I want to say over and over to them? Hello? I’m someone who just wants to help out.. freaking FIT ME IN where you can! Dang… Crate and Barrel “interview” … met the manager who was cute in her cute little dress and boots.. sat me down and seemed interested.. told me she’d call me. Have I gotten a call? You take a guess. Then the kicker.. yesterday at Barnes and Noble.. the seasonal work is just to run the cashier which I’m totally cool with..(My secret life long dream of running a Cashier but thats another story)  but get this… $7.50/hour!!!What? Even IF I work 40 hours a week at that rate.. BEFORE taxes I wouldn’t even make what so graciously gets deposited from the Government each week with unemployment. And Peter is bitching at me to “just get out and get a job!!!”

Now I can see where you would think I’m being snooty. But here’s the thing.. I would NEVER be treated this way if I was interviewing in my own industry. And even if I am kidding myself that I am wrong – at least I have somewhat of an advantage with my experience and education. It’s just a given that Weekends are out and Insurance is automatic (as is paychecks with direct deposit) Here I am.. walking from store to store practically BEGGING these would be Supervisors to Hire me? Do YOU see the emotional/moral issue I’m having here? And.. at the end of the day when Peter comes home and says “So… what did you do today?” What am I to tell him? Um… I prostrated myself at 4 retailers today honey! Yippee! See these wounds on my knees husband? Thats from dragging them on the ground as I parade around the store following the manager saying “PLEASE.. PLEASE HIRE ME!” uh no. OR… I walk into another retail establishment (Whole Foods or Container Store) and they say.. we don’t accept applications in person.. the application process is handled online… When you get home go to our website and fill out an application.” WHAT? WHY DID I GET SHOWERED ALL DOLLED UP JUST TO HEAR THIS? I COULD BE IN MY PAJAMAS DRINKING COFFEE AND WATCHING OPRAH RIGHT NOW WHILE I APPLY TO WORK THERE!!!”  are you kidding me?

And yea a big BLAH BLAH to the broken record that this has ANYTHING to do with the Economy. It doesn’t. It’s always like this. So my internal HeavyWeight Champion Boxing fight in virtual ‘ring’ in my head is. White Collar vs Blue Collar? Which is “Better?”  wow…

Now back up.. I will admit a snooty stereotype of my own. Yep.. I’m not above anyone to admit I have my own. When I was in college and was failing because I was having a hard time grasping what I was actually learning vs what I wanted to learn…. I would get into shouting matches with my father saying ” I WILL NEVER FLIP BURGERS FOR MY JOB!!!” whew.. I bring myself back to the shame I felt when I visualized myself doing that. It was a metaphor for.. I will NOT ever work for something that I didn’t EARN due to working hard and believing in something; just working to work.. the mindless, non-purpose filled life!!! It makes me cringe. So that’s probably where some(most) of my resistance to this is. This is what it’s come to… “flipping burgers”.. and that makes me feel like I’ve failed.  So if you will.. let me just get this out..

I’VE FAILED!!! I FEEL LIKE A BIG FAT FAILURE!!! FAIL FAIL FAIL!!! A BIG F ON THE PAPER OF MY LIFE!!!!

Sigh.. that actually makes me feel a little better.

Okay so now what? Ha Ha.. Another Friday.. in my PJ’s.. looking on Craigslist… making phone calls asking “Are you hiring for Seasonal work?” and then I put my ear REALLY close to the phone to listen for some snide attitude.. some “oh.. another one of  those people.”  I’m now believing that those that work in these stereotypical “blue collar” jobs think they’re BETTER than. The people who pick up the phone don’t know if I have a Masters Degree or if I’m still working to get my GED and yet they treat me like I’m somehow LESS than them who is currently employed.”

So.. I play the pity card. “Yea.. I’m an Interior Designer” which usually brightens up their face with this “Wow that’s such a cool job to have!”  excitement then I say “Yea.. my company just went bankrupt and I find myself unemployed.” Which usually works to render a level or two more of interest…so they can know that I am educated and subscribe to the philosophy of 9-5, Monday thru Friday…  but that’s just if I am able to spit that out…  but in the end I still receive the same treatment… “Don’t call us.. we’ll call you.”  Hilarious.

And to make matters worse… Peter teeters on the edge of a Blue Collar/White Collar world. There are parts of his job that are stereotypically Blue Collar.. dealing with Line Cooks that don’t show up or don’t speak ANY English having to negotiate with a dishwasher.. I can tell he’s used to it. Plus his job is NOT at a desk… so right off the bat he doesn’t understand having your own phone extension and to check the fax machine for an incoming. Then at the same time he does because he’s technically a manager in his own right.. going to managers meetings while his phone is ‘blowing up’ with texts about who’s opening and who’s closing, etc.. He walks the line. I’d say he leans more toward Blue than White… so like DJ Jazzy Jeff says.. “Parents (or in this case Husbands) just don’t understand.”

So yep.. thats where I am.. And if you talk to Peter.. can you help him understand how I’m feeling.. because it just ends up in confusion and misunderstandings which look like two people who love each other and are SO happy to be married.. just bickering and being frustrated.. which is NOT where we both want to be right now.

Okay I gots lots more to say… but time for an Intermission…
Much Love,
Kerilyn

UPDATE MOMENTS FROM PUBLISHING THIS: I hit publish on this post and got up to get the mail where I receive this lovely little generic letter from Crate and Barrel (I’ve blacked out the Managers name… no need to get personal here) Hilarious. I don’t know if I want to laugh or to cry.

Hi my Chicken Pot Pies….

Okay I came across another awesome SIMPLISTIC thought…..another A-HA!!!!!! that I HAVE to share… A thought that… I’ll admit being the silly head I am… I actually practice sometimes when I write my 3things2things but I so quickly forget as soon as I complete it.

okay check this out… Quote of the Day…

“A happy life is just a string of happy moments. But most people don’t allow the happy moment, because they’re so busy trying to get a happy life.”— Abraham

Yea? How bout them apples??? Simple enough for ya?

I woke up at 7ish this morning which I have been doing for a while now even though I don’t have to because I still am not currently employed and I read that… I actually visualized a string with ‘Happy Moments” on pieces of paper strewn from end to end.. and I decided I’m actually going to do that…above my desk.. I need a daily reminder of that.. It’s not the search for ONE LIFETIME LONG happy moment.. but a Series of Moments.. and in between those moments.. is learning and living and loving and learning and living and loving.. with a tear shed or a confused brow somewhere thrown in too… Why do we complicate it by adding like 16 more steps to try to find happiness? I mean really.. when I really think about it… there are reasons why the most basic things have really simple commands.. Stop. Go. Breathe In. Breathe Out. Eat. Sleep.  So simple but we complicate it.. argh!

So… here’s my ongoing list of SIMPLE answers to life:

1. Whatever icky thing your thinking of in your mind… THINK THE OPPOSITE.
2. “A happy life is just a string of happy moments.”

SO… with that said… What are some of your Happy Moments? I know you have them.. are having them.. and will have them.. continually throughout your life… Come on.. why don’t you tell me what one of them are?  Okay you need an example… here ya go here’s one of mine.

TODAY… I’m in line outside at Constitution Hall in D.C.; trying to pick up Free Tickets to an AWESOME US Army Band Christmas Concert when we were told the tickets were pretty much already gone! After finding out I didn’t have much of a chance.. I asked a friend who’s husband is in the US Army Band… if she could ask him if he could find some.. he came up with (4) tickets!!! (Woo Hoo…Thank You Bonnie!) THEN.. as I got to the front of the line…(figured I’d stay and see this out… they were still handing out  I got (4) more on the same night!!!Wow.. I woke up thinking there were NO tickets.. FREAKED OUT (Sorry My Peter) and then…. walked away with (8) tickets!!!! I walked away smiling… like.. permagrin!

Okay now you….

alright need more incentive.. how bout a 3things2things to get the ball rolling:

3 things that make me happy: (uh.. happy moments!!!)

1. Saying “My husband Peter”. I love it.. the way it comes out of my mouth.. It sounds… like happiness. I hope to get this amazing warmth when I say it..always.
2. Meeting up at “The Man Club” (Peter joined the Fraternal Order of Eagles with a neighbor.. so it’s a place to hang out.. have a beer and chill) with Allison and Mahoney with a beer or two and some great wings.. catching up!
3. Getting emails and text messages/blackberry messenger messages from my dear friends.. When I hear the little bing sound.. or bloop or riiiing! my heart jumps.. and for a millisecond I wonder….. Who is it??!

2 things I look forward to today:

1. Bout to meet up with two friends, Stephanie and Scott.. I haven’t caught up with them in what seems like FOREVER! and I’m excited to hear how they are!
2. Honestly the day is almost over.. but today I got my package in the mail which is part of a Baby Gift for our neighbor.. I am SO excited to give it to her.. she’s going to LOVE it!!!!

2 long term things I look forward to:

1. Launching my idea for a website to help support Significant Others of those in the Restaurant Industry.. called Married To A Chef (There is Nothing there yet.. so dont’ email me and say.. the link didn’t work) My wonderful Kyra and I are powwowing regularly now.. Setting up emails and starting Groups/Logging onto sites and stuff.. SO excited!!!! It makes me want to get up and dance around the room to THIS!!!!!!
2. Peter has so graciously offered to cut off all his hair (on his head) for a good cause..  For “Shave and Be Brave” for one of the other Sous Chefs sons… I’m excited to see him without hair (am I really excited.. or scared? ha!) and also.. there will be some people there I’m excited to talk to about my Project (see No. 1)  JUST the people I need to talk to!!!

1 person I am going to appreciate!

Roxanne… I love that girl… I love her voice.. so soothing talking to me… another Kindred Spirit in my pocket.. Love You Roxy Roxy Roo!!!!

Okay gotta Dash.. Okay so tell me.. What’s one of your Happy Moments???? Oh come on I gave you quite a bit to work with!!
Much Love,
Kerilyn