Hi there…

How’s it goin my peeps? Good? I’m good.. feel good that today I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off and went to get all my Name Change Stuff done… Went to Courthouse for copies of Marriage License then to Social Security then to DMV then to Bank! Only thing I didn’t get to is the Passport office but maybe i’ll do that tomorrow.  It feels really good to have that stuff done.. I actually had to sign my Married Signature a few times and boy.. do I need to practice.. NOT used to writing Kerilyn Russo at all. It’s gonna take a little while to get used to that.

Lets see.. what else is going on… gotta interview on Thursday… I’m hopeful.

ooh ooh… It’s rained here for the past 4 days… and yea.. it’s been chilly and the leaves have been sticking to the bottom of my shoes and I’ve been tracking them in when I bring in the mail… but I’d like to say a big Thank You to the Rain. For when I opened my eyes this morning and the sun was shining… and the trees…. Sigh.. ah out my window looked like a scene from “When Dreams May Come” … the Reds, Oranges and Yellows… twinkled with Greens and the BEAUTIFUL Blue sky… it was the BEST way to wake up in the morning… adding the fact that my kitty girl Pez came and joined me in the window which made it just THAT much more perfect.  Ah I love my life. My husband sleeping next to me…. getting back on track with a job and saving money so I can pay back my debts and then save money so we can 1. Enjoy our TRUE honeymoon to Italy in March and then 2. making our decision in spring of next year to place our roots… wherever that is.. so we can get on with the Muppet Show..er. I mean the Russo Show!

Lets see.. what else is going on in this brain of mine..

With the changing of the leaves.. lots of us are going thru and making our own changes.. wouldn’t you say? I know quite a few of you who are making a shift in your life. Big monumental shifts… Why is it we feel more “comfortable” making changes in the fall? Do you decide to make changes when sweaters are pulled out of your boxes and your sitting on your couch with a blanket over you? Like being more protected.. we feel this time of the year we feel more safe to make a change.. go in a different direction, let go of something or someone that no longer makes you feel good…or simply take on something new; into the realm of the unknown.

That’s where I am.. I feel like I’ve been just standing there.. with this blank canvas in front of me.. and I’m waiting with anticipation at what the final outcome will be.  Paintbrush in hand. Artist..Dreamer.. Wife… a Mrs? I’m almost antsy to get going… almost a fear that I will start in the wrong direction and regret making my first move… Almost not trusting myself. Yea.. that’s it.

Trust.

Wow… which brings me to my next random stream of consciousness. Trust. It’s been a subject that’s come up a lot this past year and half; mostly in the realm of therapy and some good long talks with my closest people as well as a lot of talking with myself. Most of my life I have never trusted myself. (Surprise!)  Never trusted my own self worth.. yea blah blah I can say that it was because I was always the tallest in the class (5′-10″/Size 10 shoe in 6th grade!) or the fact that I wore glasses at 6.. or that I have always been the “big” girl… stayed back in 6th grade.. who knows! But from a young age.. somehow, I didn’t trust myself. Grew up making stupid decisions… and quickly and with swift severity began to accept LESS than I deserved. Accepted LESS than because I felt I didn’t deserve to receive what I really wanted. Wasted SO MUCH TIME!! Trying to figure out how it began would take forever and won’t change anything… but what I can do is see how NOT loving myself and accepting less has affected what I had chosen for my life.. my friends.. my relationships and where I stand now. It’s making baby step decisions toward loving myself more.. even when it hurts like hell.. but I think I’m getting it.

I’m still the same person.. emotional.. not afraid of showing you who I am (I mean come on – are you still reading this stuff? HA!)  WANTING to know what’s inside everyone… still silly and wacky and still telling people “What do you REALLY have to lose?” but I’m also wanting to NEVER accept less than I deserve EVER again.  If not for my sake.. then DEFINITELY DEFINITELY for my future childrens sake. I do not want to have my children look at me and FEEL that I don’t trust myself.. even with my most tender and black and blue spots in my soul. It’s more important than EVER to really put the work in.

So that’s where I am… Actually really enjoying getting closer to some kindred souls who had drifted out of my life, rekindling with some old friends during an earlier time.. and letting go of some who I thought would always be there. I was just sitting outside a few minutes ago.. looking up… at the stars..(twinkle twinkle little star…) in  a quasi (love that word quasi) meditative state and I thought.. “When one door closes another door opens” and that’s how I feel right now in this moment. Some doors have closed.. my job.. being a “Fox”  among others…while others are just beginning their prologue or opening.  And I walk to the opening door with anticipation..some sadness…a  twinge of fear.. take a deep breath and just maintain the one thing that I DO know for sure.. that I am… EXACTLY where I should be.

Oh…So are you.

Thank You.. you are all the best bits of me.
Much Love,
Kerilyn

Posted Monday, October 19th, 2009 at 7:22 pm | High Low. Subscribe to the comments RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.