Hi my beautiful people…

I want to share something with you.. I have to get this out now or else I feel I’m going to BUST!

Okay… it’s probably no secret that I’ve been feeling a little lost/blue/coo coo lately. NO, it’s not cause I can’t find a JOB (okay I haven’t found a JOB yet either – ugh) but more because I find myself in the same place – questioning my Life’s Mission or Purpose. While I fully 100% understand from a physical point of view that it was nothing I did that lead to me losing my last job.. but there HAS to be something bigger happening here.

I believe in God. Oh yes. God/The Universe/Shiva/Jah- you can call them what you like (it’s no secret.. they’re all the same!) and I kinda feel like God/The Universe is saying.. “KERI – NO. You KNOW what you need to be doing but you keep NOT doing it.. because you’re scared… Keri.. It’s OKAY to be scared… Say it with me Keri… IT’S OKAY TO BE SCARED!” God says. “Keri listen… The reason this keeps happening with your JOB is you keep NOT listening to what I’m telling your soul you need to be doing.. you keep doing it on small levels.. with your friends..etc.. but NO.. you have enough light to go around to more people… You need to find a way to share your light with MORE people. ”

Yea.. I get that. I really do. I have felt this for a LONG time… God is saying.. “KERILYN… How many more jobs is it going to take for you to really GET it?”.. Okay. Message Received God… I hear you loud and clear.

So…that’s where I am. I KNOW I need to find something else to do but here’s the thing… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS or HOW TO DO IT!!!

And yea yea.. everyone keeps saying they go thru this lull period after they get married.. yea.. I understand the concept of that but this is SO much more than that!!! This is my life purpose here on the line people!!!

Of course I have ideas… I have PLENTY of ideas… 1. Marriedtoachef website 2. writing my memoir (been working on that actually) 3. Something one of my girls mentioned for her.. that I have been thinking of for YEARS for me – Considering being Certified in becoming a Life Coach (let me answer this for you in case your already laughing at me…NO you don’t have to have it all figured out in order to BE a Life Coach. (I’ve already asked.)  But all these things… involve MOOLAH that I currently… do not have. So up to this point, I do not know how to do these things that involve a financial investment.  (And NO I’m not writing this to somehow subtly ask for money.. UNLESS you are a Billionaire and you have 100,000 to GIVE me! hey..Miracles DO happen!)

Okay so…. back to “reality” – I have a possible job opportunity (odds look really good) doing what I did at my last job..It’s not quite just a JOB – more like a CAREER but it’s not what I should be finding.. my MISSION/PURPOSE! and this opportunity will not be available till January so I have to find something temporarily so I don’t drive Peter completely mad (oh.. or myself from never leaving the house/staying in my pajamas all day/watching Stupid Television shows/buying too many self-help books/spending too much time on the internet trying to find an answer) So I feel like a High Schooler.. looking for an after school job.. I’ve applied at Aveda/Barnes and Noble/World Market.. Gotta find some place I actually enjoy.. still… no bites. ARGH!!! Would this search actually be easier if I WAS in High School? (okay gotta laugh here)

So there I have been…. a bit blue.. desparately trying to find an answer.. a sign.. SOMETHING that will propel me toward my mission… Like I told my girl Michelle… My sadness, I feel, can be a bit contagious  so I’ve been hunkerin down with a box of tissues in the house until it passes…

And I think….. it sorta is.

I went to my Jivamukti Yoga class tonite. My beloved teacher Jill was in town from San Francisco and taught for Kori our regular Wednesday nite teacher. She gave us a heads up on Facebook and via email… So.. although I’ve been LESS than enthusiastic about exercising lately.. I told myself I didn’t have an excuse not to go.. and I wanted to go Enjoy Jill. She has such a great energy to her.. I can feel what she believes in in her voice. So I did. And gratefully I got my favorite spot in the room (There were 34 people in the class.. crammed in like Sardines!)

She said something that I think is helping my blahs to pass… and I am SO excited to share!

She was talking about thoughts that come up that cause stress… that during our Asanas (The Physical Movements in a Yoga practice) that these thoughts come in… she was telling us that Everything that prevents us from getting to where we want to be is in our Mind. Don’t you think that’s true? I do… even in meditation.. we’re sitting there.. trying to focus on clearing our mind and DANG it if ALL these thought come FLOODING in!!!

Then.. she said…. Think of something that’s bothering you… then think the OPPOSITE of it. THINK… the opposite of it.  HOW BRILLIANT!!!

I think we as adults are still looking for instruction. I don’t care how old you are.. you still are searching for a teacher.. someone to hold your hand and give you instruction, homework, tools to make what you have to learn.. easier. Well Jill did that for me today! I wanted to jump up while in downward dog and Scream!!! THATS IT!!!! THE OPPOSITE.. I THINK THE OPPOSITE!!! Even now… I hear Jill in my head say.. “Okay now.. Think the Opposite.” when my thoughts go to tomorrow and next week.. what I am going to “do”.

‘THINK’ the opposite
‘DO’ the opposite
‘BE’ the opposite

I think we are looking for some big complicated/multi step answer to lifes problems… I know I did/do.. But usually the answer is SO Simple and WE complicate things by thinking it has to be hard.  THINK the opposite. How simple of an answer is that! That’s what made it so “A-HA!” to me.. is it’s simplicity.

So whatever has you spinning or “churning churning churning” as I call it.. THINK the opposite. SEE the opposite of it happening in your head.. The “What would it look like if it was opposite of what it currently is?”It’s actually kinda freeing.

Thank You Jill. I miss you and Please let me know when you are back in town.

As for me.. I am breathing in thinking the OPPOSITE of what I am scared of…
I think that might be the way for me to find my way to my Mission.

Much Love,
Kerilyn

Hi there…

How’s it goin my peeps? Good? I’m good.. feel good that today I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off and went to get all my Name Change Stuff done… Went to Courthouse for copies of Marriage License then to Social Security then to DMV then to Bank! Only thing I didn’t get to is the Passport office but maybe i’ll do that tomorrow.  It feels really good to have that stuff done.. I actually had to sign my Married Signature a few times and boy.. do I need to practice.. NOT used to writing Kerilyn Russo at all. It’s gonna take a little while to get used to that.

Lets see.. what else is going on… gotta interview on Thursday… I’m hopeful.

ooh ooh… It’s rained here for the past 4 days… and yea.. it’s been chilly and the leaves have been sticking to the bottom of my shoes and I’ve been tracking them in when I bring in the mail… but I’d like to say a big Thank You to the Rain. For when I opened my eyes this morning and the sun was shining… and the trees…. Sigh.. ah out my window looked like a scene from “When Dreams May Come” … the Reds, Oranges and Yellows… twinkled with Greens and the BEAUTIFUL Blue sky… it was the BEST way to wake up in the morning… adding the fact that my kitty girl Pez came and joined me in the window which made it just THAT much more perfect.  Ah I love my life. My husband sleeping next to me…. getting back on track with a job and saving money so I can pay back my debts and then save money so we can 1. Enjoy our TRUE honeymoon to Italy in March and then 2. making our decision in spring of next year to place our roots… wherever that is.. so we can get on with the Muppet Show..er. I mean the Russo Show!

Lets see.. what else is going on in this brain of mine..

With the changing of the leaves.. lots of us are going thru and making our own changes.. wouldn’t you say? I know quite a few of you who are making a shift in your life. Big monumental shifts… Why is it we feel more “comfortable” making changes in the fall? Do you decide to make changes when sweaters are pulled out of your boxes and your sitting on your couch with a blanket over you? Like being more protected.. we feel this time of the year we feel more safe to make a change.. go in a different direction, let go of something or someone that no longer makes you feel good…or simply take on something new; into the realm of the unknown.

That’s where I am.. I feel like I’ve been just standing there.. with this blank canvas in front of me.. and I’m waiting with anticipation at what the final outcome will be.  Paintbrush in hand. Artist..Dreamer.. Wife… a Mrs? I’m almost antsy to get going… almost a fear that I will start in the wrong direction and regret making my first move… Almost not trusting myself. Yea.. that’s it.

Trust.

Wow… which brings me to my next random stream of consciousness. Trust. It’s been a subject that’s come up a lot this past year and half; mostly in the realm of therapy and some good long talks with my closest people as well as a lot of talking with myself. Most of my life I have never trusted myself. (Surprise!)  Never trusted my own self worth.. yea blah blah I can say that it was because I was always the tallest in the class (5′-10″/Size 10 shoe in 6th grade!) or the fact that I wore glasses at 6.. or that I have always been the “big” girl… stayed back in 6th grade.. who knows! But from a young age.. somehow, I didn’t trust myself. Grew up making stupid decisions… and quickly and with swift severity began to accept LESS than I deserved. Accepted LESS than because I felt I didn’t deserve to receive what I really wanted. Wasted SO MUCH TIME!! Trying to figure out how it began would take forever and won’t change anything… but what I can do is see how NOT loving myself and accepting less has affected what I had chosen for my life.. my friends.. my relationships and where I stand now. It’s making baby step decisions toward loving myself more.. even when it hurts like hell.. but I think I’m getting it.

I’m still the same person.. emotional.. not afraid of showing you who I am (I mean come on – are you still reading this stuff? HA!)  WANTING to know what’s inside everyone… still silly and wacky and still telling people “What do you REALLY have to lose?” but I’m also wanting to NEVER accept less than I deserve EVER again.  If not for my sake.. then DEFINITELY DEFINITELY for my future childrens sake. I do not want to have my children look at me and FEEL that I don’t trust myself.. even with my most tender and black and blue spots in my soul. It’s more important than EVER to really put the work in.

So that’s where I am… Actually really enjoying getting closer to some kindred souls who had drifted out of my life, rekindling with some old friends during an earlier time.. and letting go of some who I thought would always be there. I was just sitting outside a few minutes ago.. looking up… at the stars..(twinkle twinkle little star…) in  a quasi (love that word quasi) meditative state and I thought.. “When one door closes another door opens” and that’s how I feel right now in this moment. Some doors have closed.. my job.. being a “Fox”  among others…while others are just beginning their prologue or opening.  And I walk to the opening door with anticipation..some sadness…a  twinge of fear.. take a deep breath and just maintain the one thing that I DO know for sure.. that I am… EXACTLY where I should be.

Oh…So are you.

Thank You.. you are all the best bits of me.
Much Love,
Kerilyn

Hiety folks…

Kerilyn here.. Friday.. it’s been raining and COLD (like the 40′s?) for the past 3 days.. and it’s kinda put me in a melancholy mood.  Plain out blah. As you might expect – the dwindling down of Wedding energy has made daily life more pronounced and the fact that I am without employment. The past 3 days this have been difficult for me. What is my next step? I’m just not sure. I really wish I was. To tell you the truth.. I think I’m scared. Actually yes.. I can admit I’m very much scared.

Scared with lots of moments of faith… and optimism. It’s like the TV Show I’m watching is called “Oh no you don’t have a job Kerilyn” and every 2 minutes… just when it gets intense…ep.. commercial! Time for (insert some catchy tune here) “Faith… It’s the best thing on the market.. it’s organic and abundant… it’s endless! Come on! It FEELS good! Try some Faith on for size.. I guarantee you.. you will be glad you did! GOOOOO FAITH!”Then… (insert some impending dracula kinda music) back to the Fear Channel… Ugh.

It’s not that I’m unfamiliar with this swinging pendulum of dualing feelings. I VERY much am… but dang it if I wish I could master it.  You would think that I woulda learned by now. Grr at myself.

I have these two projects.. 1. Writing a Book (Have I started? uh..er… um well.. no?) and 2. Our Marriedtoachef.com website.. which both of these projects are in FULL IDEA mode… spinning spinning ideas.. whirling around all the time… just kinda dont’ know how to manifest Action. (Side Note: I wish that Wayne Dyer would knock on my door right now… I know he could help me.. He’s the MASTER of helping others make their dreams come true!)

Okay… I gots to focus on something happy.. I’m starting to want to get away from myself right now! How bout a delicious helping of 3 things 2 things , eh? I haven’t done this in a while.. and I know it always helps my mood.

3 things that make me happy:

1. Seeing our wonderful wonderful photographs from our amazing Photographer Michael Smith of Ash Imagery as well as his assist for the weekend, Jen Arthur,  her photos also ROCK THE CATBOX! Wow.. I am so excited to frame my favorites.. and do a framed collage on our wall… I already have some nice frames!!! NICE!!!
2. Along the same lines… hearing/seeing such wonderful comments/compliments on our wedding/the photos/the flowers.. how much of a Great time everyone had/how they cried/ how they laughed/how FABULOUS we looked (hee)/how much they needed to dance their butts off/How awesome their Tarot Reading was/How awesome we had a cigar roller.. It fills my heart to hear all these things…. ALL these things were in the forefront of Peter and my mind… We (I) REALLY wanted you all to go to a wedding and actually REMEMBER IT!!! Okay.. no, I wasn’t expecting to cry as much as I did. But oh well. We were both very open… the cumulation of all this time.. all this drama.. for this one moment. We weren’t just crying for us.. but the realization of how many people showed up to support our love.. our story. It is still overwhelming for me to know how many important people were sitting in that room. (Or on an airplane due to delayed flights.. Kyle/Wayne)
3. Receiving this amazing Wedding Gift from my friend Kristy. (See photo) We had a great day the other day.. doing errands.. she treated me to lunch at my FAVORITE Restaurant – had some Lobster Bisque (yum) and she brought her gift. To which I opened sitting there… Baby Books. Wow.. Holy Moly! One for Peter on how to be a good Dad… and one book that I really wanted.. Spirit Babies which I’m halfway done with.. among others that I’m interested in diving into. I choked up the moment I started opening them..Wow.. This is 2 steps down the road from where Peter and I are heading (Step 1 is putting down roots aka Moving to a house conducive for having a family or possibly moving somewhere else to do the same.)  Kristy runs a nanny business and is a nanny herself…and she’s been helping me with my own fears about being a mom.. So this gift.. was her love and support.  It meant so much to me.  Thank You Honey.

2 things that I look forward to today:

1. Tonite I’m going to spend a few hours with my beautiful friend Davina and her daughter who I call Baby Tai. (She’s over a year old but the last time I saw her she was a Baby) I’m excited to talk to Davina.. ask her some questions about raising her daughter.. She’s a good resource.
2. Okay well this doesn’t REALLY apply to looking forward to TODAY but while typing this rambling session out to you all.. I got a phone call with a prospective Job opportunity and It brings me peace in my soul to say that I have a Meeting/Interview scheduled next week! Whew!! As soon as I’m finally done rambling.. I’m getting up and doing A HAPPY HOPEFUL DANCE!!! (whatevers going to be… will be.. trying to remember that!)

2 long term things I look forward to:

1. It’s been 3 weeks now.. I’m still waiting for our Marriage License so I can go to the DMV and Social Security and change my last name,etc… I’m kinda eager to do it.. and I know Peter is too. Officially be a Russo and begin signing my name – Kerilyn Russo. Gonna take some gettin’ used to…
2. Our postponed “Honeymoon” for 2 weeks in Italy in March 2010… by then.. we’ll have lots in Savings and can really do our Honeymoon the way we originally intended.  SO excited.

1 person I am going to appreciate:

There is NO way that I could just pick one person… My parents.. Peters mom Maria… wow.. My sister.. my ‘people’  Kyra, Matthew and Michelle… Every single person that traveled.. near and far.. to come be with us…(and even those who couldn’t make it or be with us)  Chantal our Coordinator, Michael Smith our amazing photographer.. Anne Marie who read Tarot…  it goes on….Everyone. Ladybugs even.. Thanks Bertha.

Sigh… so I feel better now. Thank You.
Much Love,
Kerilyn

Greetings from Mrs. Kerilyn Russo!!!

I’ll admit that saying Mrs. makes me feel uncomfortable… but that’s just my issue. As a little girl.. I always saw the Lady of the House (the Mrs.) to be someone who had it all together.. taking care of the household and the children.. doing errands.. running to PTA meetings.. making sure everyone was seated at dinner – without their elbows on the table… that when I hear that I am now one of those infamous women now.. I sorta cringe.

My Piano Teacher – Mrs. Kendrick
Neighbors – Mrs. Domanski and Mrs. Gray

Hearing that I’m a “Mrs” now.. makes me feel like I am now in this club of women who have graduated to having the concerns and issues of Single life figured out.. and for me that cannot be further from the truth. I would rather just be called Kerilyn… Peter and I are partners.. I have NEVER felt like the kind of couple where I am hovering in the shadow of him.. Being the mushy emotional person I am..with an insatiable desire to help inspire others.. we both help each other to shine.. and well… Being a Russo I am happy to be.. but a Mrs.. not so much.

Because sitting here.. outside on our little back porch.. on this glorious October day.. I still don’t have it all figured out.

But with all that said… What a ride!!! For most of you that were there.. bearing witness to the cumulation of a decade of marinating in our own souls… it was a glorious time! From beginning to end it was clear that The Universe was on our side… watching over us.. even through the rain. I look at all the wonderful photos (Thank You Everyone for sharing them with us!) and think how blessed we are… to have wonderful friends and family surrounding us, to sing and cry with us.. to dance with us… to stand in line for some DRY chicken with us. (ha!) Thank You. I felt like the luckiest woman in the world.. where.. wherever I turned.. I saw someone I loved. How amazing is that!

And.. to top it all off.. the Washington Post featured us.. What an amazing testimony to our awesome (and crazy!) story! I have attached the copy of the article for your viewing pleasure if you are not local  – or even if you are and you just want to read it! Washington Post Article

So now that our “honeymoon”  (Our original plan to go to Italy for 2 weeks had to be postponed until March due to my sudden loss of employment) to Charleston, SC and Savannah, GA is over (Great time had by all!) and life is getting back to “normal”… I find myself on the cusp of some amazing inner findings.

I am now pondering what is my next step.. in my career. Where do I search? Do I continue searching for another Systems Furniture Design Job? Or what? I’m really not sure. Is it just fear that is telling me to start looking for a job in Design, to bring in finances so we can save money to prepare to plant roots before starting a family? Or should I just throw caution into the wind and follow my inner stirring to 1. start writing a book and 2. create the marriedtoachef.com website and finally 3. NOT do design. I’m really not sure. I know like sifting thru dirt to find gold.. the sifting part is the tedious most laborious process, but necessary to benefiting worldly riches. I feel like that.. I’m sifting thru the dirt of my fears, trying to sort out what is real, and where my heart really wants me to go. Part of me just wants to go to the local Aveda store and apply to work there.. I have always believed in the product, the mission of the company.. and I know I would happily be a part of something I love. Maybe I do that part time while I write… Who knows.  ALL I do know is I feel something stirring. I’m kinda enjoying this moment in time.. as an observer of the Universe creating something for me.. A pathway being laid down I feel.. and I’m excited to see where it will take me.

So thank you.. for continuing to stay tuned to my journey.. as just Kerilyn… Kerilyn Russo.

Much Love,
You know who.