I wish I could run away… somewhere by myself..where no one knows me.. Somewhere where I won’t be the “oh look she’s unemployed AGAIN”, or “oh HER..she’s too emotional for her own (or anyone else’s) good”  or “aww look.. she never has her shit together.” she’s got too much baggage kinda girl. I want to move somewhere and start fresh…. I really desire a BIG AND POSITIVE CHANGE in my life.

I feel really alone.. I know I should be happy… TWO months from today I’m getting married….. But I have honestly never felt so lost. SO.. NOT knowing what to do next or where to go.  I have my fiancee.. who’s been WONDERFUL trying to understand and support me.. constantly asking me “What’s the matter with you?” And When I say I’m lost… he doesn’t understand.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME????

WHY?

I was so… on track or so I thought? Had a good Job.. was able to pay for all the wedding stuff.. my life.. and have plenty to do fun things.. I LIKED my job.. Really I did. I wanted to do it for quite some time.. Where I was… I’m not bullshitting with you.   I really don’t understand and it makes me so sad… And NO it’s not just the money part..although that’s a big part of it.  I feel more out of control with my own life than I think I EVER have. I just don’t understand.

I know all the positive things to say to myself.. like This is the precipice to something awesome that’s on the Horizon.. I WANT to believe that. I’ve had this happen enough times to know that’s true..I try.. to snap myself out of it..But I’m back in this really really vulnerable place.. this scary and dark place.. and If you know me.. I’m afraid of the Dark and not afraid to admit  it.

I feel like I can’t relate to any of my friends.. Here I sit.. at home.. I haven’t even exercised in like 2 weeks…. I just don’t know what to do.. It’s like I’ve been dumped in the middle of a city with no map and I’m hungry, I have no money, and the sun is going down and I gotta get somewhere but I have no idea where IT is.. It’s frustrating.. MADDENING… Scary…People try to guide me to my destination but they don’t know where I’ve been to tell me where I’m going…. so I desparately try.. try to find my way back on the path. I feel like I’m spinning.. Sometimes the spinning is at a minimum.. and I can hold on enough that it’s not too scary.. but then theres now… Right Now.. where it spins really fast… all I want to do is RUN AWAY.. not talk to anyone.. NOT want to hear anything FROM anyone… and just be alone…. I guess there is a part of me that feels that everything I touch.. Everything that I really want.. doesn’t want me.. doesn’t care to stick around long enough… Have this happen to you more than a handful of times.. and you can only make yourself feel better so much…

Oh.. and for those that only started reading my posts. You might only see me as Happy Go Lucky Kerilyn… Let me introduce you to her Nemesis.. the one that feels like Life has handed her a SUCKY SUCKY HAND and that she is angry and totally doesn’t understand why God Hates her. (She wins out sometimes.. but the HGL Kerilyn ends up usually winning the fight.) Tonite Sad and Mad Kerilyn Wins.

Side Note: I’m just getting this out..I appreciate and love that you love and care for me.. but I ask.. Please don’t try to console me.. I respectfully ask that you just listen.  I’m just trying to piece this scattered puzzle back together and my medium has been anything I can type on.. or talk to. I’m going to be FINE… It’s going to be FINE… I just feel lost and I am sure.. that just like the weather.. the clouds will part and I will see the sunshine again.