Hi there everyone..

Just a note to say Thank You to those who wrote me encouraging notes.. I try to write how I’m feeling in the moment.. Good or Bad. And I was feeling a low at the time and felt I really had to get it out. I could write in a diary.. but my High/Low has been a place of solace… a slate where I can put both my happy and not so happy thoughts.

Thank You to everyone who shared with me their story. I am so grateful that you felt comfortable enough to Share. I’m happy to report that as usual.. the clouds parted and I am feeling much better today (Maybe that had to do with the 3 LARGE Margaritas Peter had me imbibe last nite.. a nice reprieve from the churning churning in my head) and had a great day! I had a Tarot Reading in the morning which really helped put an ease on the edge I had been feeling.. then I met up with my sister at Macy’s and  I tried on my Wedding Dress (It’s WAY big on me.. which is good and is Meh – I look pretty but they are going to need to really take it in – oh well.) then Kristine and I went to see ‘The Ugly Truth‘ – A good movie to forget about your life for 2 hours.. then home to my love.

Also.. today was the first day of receiving RSVPs for the Wedding!!! Yippee!!! So excited to see them come back. (And if you got one and want another postcard, just to keep it..email me and I’ll mail one too you – they’re awesome aren’t they??? That’s my girl Kyra!)

Just want to keep this short and say Thank You. I know.. in my heart that I am lucky.. blessed.. to be in a position where I can take 2 months off and really focus on the wedding.. me.. and trying to really figure out what I want to do. I know how lucky I am for that.  (Side Note: I went into an Aveda store today.. maybe I’ll work a spell in an Aveda Shop.. I DO love Aveda Products and feel I could sell them really well!) Who knows!

I am excited.. this Saturday my people; Scott, my sister and Sparkly Roxanne and I are going out to the Organic Farm to look at the Flowers for the Wedding. Talk Prices/Quantities and when we can come out to cut them! Then Sunday, Peter, My Mom, Kristine and I are doing the Favors! It should be a really fun day!

Can you believe it’s days away from August already? Whew.

Okay People.. Thanks again for being there. I feel your support and I know I’m not alone.
Much Love,
Kerilyn

I wish I could run away… somewhere by myself..where no one knows me.. Somewhere where I won’t be the “oh look she’s unemployed AGAIN”, or “oh HER..she’s too emotional for her own (or anyone else’s) good”  or “aww look.. she never has her shit together.” she’s got too much baggage kinda girl. I want to move somewhere and start fresh…. I really desire a BIG AND POSITIVE CHANGE in my life.

I feel really alone.. I know I should be happy… TWO months from today I’m getting married….. But I have honestly never felt so lost. SO.. NOT knowing what to do next or where to go.  I have my fiancee.. who’s been WONDERFUL trying to understand and support me.. constantly asking me “What’s the matter with you?” And When I say I’m lost… he doesn’t understand.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME????

WHY?

I was so… on track or so I thought? Had a good Job.. was able to pay for all the wedding stuff.. my life.. and have plenty to do fun things.. I LIKED my job.. Really I did. I wanted to do it for quite some time.. Where I was… I’m not bullshitting with you.   I really don’t understand and it makes me so sad… And NO it’s not just the money part..although that’s a big part of it.  I feel more out of control with my own life than I think I EVER have. I just don’t understand.

I know all the positive things to say to myself.. like This is the precipice to something awesome that’s on the Horizon.. I WANT to believe that. I’ve had this happen enough times to know that’s true..I try.. to snap myself out of it..But I’m back in this really really vulnerable place.. this scary and dark place.. and If you know me.. I’m afraid of the Dark and not afraid to admit  it.

I feel like I can’t relate to any of my friends.. Here I sit.. at home.. I haven’t even exercised in like 2 weeks…. I just don’t know what to do.. It’s like I’ve been dumped in the middle of a city with no map and I’m hungry, I have no money, and the sun is going down and I gotta get somewhere but I have no idea where IT is.. It’s frustrating.. MADDENING… Scary…People try to guide me to my destination but they don’t know where I’ve been to tell me where I’m going…. so I desparately try.. try to find my way back on the path. I feel like I’m spinning.. Sometimes the spinning is at a minimum.. and I can hold on enough that it’s not too scary.. but then theres now… Right Now.. where it spins really fast… all I want to do is RUN AWAY.. not talk to anyone.. NOT want to hear anything FROM anyone… and just be alone…. I guess there is a part of me that feels that everything I touch.. Everything that I really want.. doesn’t want me.. doesn’t care to stick around long enough… Have this happen to you more than a handful of times.. and you can only make yourself feel better so much…

Oh.. and for those that only started reading my posts. You might only see me as Happy Go Lucky Kerilyn… Let me introduce you to her Nemesis.. the one that feels like Life has handed her a SUCKY SUCKY HAND and that she is angry and totally doesn’t understand why God Hates her. (She wins out sometimes.. but the HGL Kerilyn ends up usually winning the fight.) Tonite Sad and Mad Kerilyn Wins.

Side Note: I’m just getting this out..I appreciate and love that you love and care for me.. but I ask.. Please don’t try to console me.. I respectfully ask that you just listen.  I’m just trying to piece this scattered puzzle back together and my medium has been anything I can type on.. or talk to. I’m going to be FINE… It’s going to be FINE… I just feel lost and I am sure.. that just like the weather.. the clouds will part and I will see the sunshine again.

Hi there everyone!

How are you? It’s Friday. In a few short hours I’m heading out.. on the road for my trip to Roanoke, VA. Going to meet my best friend from High School, the wonderful beautiful Bohemian Girl Kyra for a Girls/Best Friend weekend before I get married. About a year ago.. I made a pact with myself that I would spend.. individual time with each of my Best Friends before I get married. And so.. Kyra and I are going to immerse ourselves in.. well us!

A topic that I have always felt sensitive about.. needing to explain my feelings has come up and I want to ramble on about it for a spell. You probably already know.. but if you do not. I have 4…5 if you count my wonderful little sister, best friends. Each of them Represent a different time of my life.  Kyra from High School.. Matthew from WVU, Michelle from Savannah and Naomi from Here. Naomi and I have had a falling out earlier this year, and we are no longer actively friends but that doesn’t change the fact that I consider her a Soul Mate in my life .. No one will ever be able to fill her shoes.. Good, Bad and Conflicted (we used that word a lot)  and I don’t ever want them to.

Then you say.. What about all your other awesome friends.. “Best” Friends? I’ve had this topic come up more than once so I’m familiar with it and I want to talk about it here, now. It’s an emotional thing… plain and simple. I guess I should change the word from Best to Kindred Spirit .. but I believe I have SO MANY Kindred Spirits.. People who, upon meeting them.. INSTANTLY I KNEW I’ve known them before.. The list goes on and on… And Soul Friend… well.. that just sounds cooky. To me the best way to explain it is to define it.

Best Friend  = Someone who, has been there.. thru thick and thin.. years upon years… a marriage of sort…. Laughing.. Crying… Getting thru Arguements.. Making Up.. Surprises.. “Swimming in the Deep End” ; diving deep into who we are.. our fears, dreams, desires. Years upon Years of Love and Understanding (okay not always understanding.. HA!)

I was telling another Dear Kindred Spirit of mine, Kristy, that these “Best” Friends… are like Great Big Oak Trees.. Standing tall.. Strong.. enduring years of Rain Storms, Blizzards, as well as the Cool, Crisp Days where Cicadas and Butterflies flitter about, taking in the shade. I can’t explain it any other way.  It’s not at ALL that I don’t absolutely and positively adore the Forest that are all my friends.. I am one lucky woman that I have been blessed with many wonderful friends.. Many of you.. who are reading this right now. I have many Oak Trees in my Forest.. but these people.. these spirits of mine.. Have stood the test of time.. Have watched me become the person you see today, directly and indirectly with such importance that saying “Best” is the only way most people will understand.

Okay with that said….

Kyra and I are going to a Music Festival called FloydFest tomorrow… Going Swimming.. Reading..playing Skip Bo.. and LOTS OF TALKING. Kyra.. just so you know.. is responsible for this website.. for our Wonderful Wedding Invitations which are the BEST I’ve Ever Seen (But I’m biased admittedly). I am so grateful to her.. I met Kyra my Senior Year in High School in Chemistry Class.. she sat in front of me. Hee hee.. We’ve been to Woodstock together.. and a trip out West… Up and Down and all around.. I will be communing with her a few days and taking in every drop of her and her creativity and free spirit-ness!

Oh.. and about the Job Stuff.. I still am unemployed.. Filed for Unemployment on Tuesday.. A miracle of sorts has happened (Thank You God for answering my prayers!) and Peter and I have the finances to get through our Honeymoon. I am so grateful for this miracle.. which is really nothing less than a Miracle… a Gift. I’m still spinning of sorts.. have my moments of melancholy.. and feeling betrayed.. but I am trying with all my strength to be in the HERE… NOW. To move forward from TODAY.. not react from the effect of yesterday. I am seeing this weekend as a purging.. shedding the old and really focusing on what’s to come.. Because there are a LOT of awesome things on the Horizon.

To my love Peter.. it’s been stressful to say the least. But I”m sure your not surprised.. he’s been amazing. He handles things differently than I.. as I live in my emotional world.. and so we have been facing the what is on a different plane.. but are able to come together in a middle ground and talk about our feelings.. Which I am grateful for. Peter has been down this road with me MANY times, of unemployment.. and I’m sure it feels scary a bit. But this time it’s different. It feels different.

Okay my wonderful people… I will end and say Check out our Photos from our Wedding “Shower”/BBQ this past weekend.. It was very fun although it did take me 3 margaritas to really loosen up (and I did). Surrounded by our family and WONDERFUL FRIENDS. Got some awesome Gifts (YOU DID NOT HAVE TO DO THAT!!!) And enjoyed ourselves into the wee early hours.

Have a great weekend.
Much Love,
Kerilyn

High/Low 7.17.09 from Kerilyn Fox on Vimeo.

Hi there my peeps…

How are ya? Well… it’s been a roller coaster of emotion the past few days to say the least…Don’t want to focus on it.. but it has to do with work and finances.. I’ve been feeling ALL sorts of all over the place… (plus traveling to and fro NJ in a very short period of time threw me off too) I am one that needs regular alone time.. I lived alone for 6 years and loved it… and well… I go thru times when I just need to sit still… I’m not a big TV watcher… but I enjoy regular moments of solitude.. I haven’t had time by myself in a while till last nite and so it was nice.. I watched a movie (Movie New in Town.. it was alright) my little Pez girl sat on my lap and purred for an hour or so… and I just vegged out.. went to bed later than usual… I went to bed feeling like I wished I had a RESTART button to snap me back on the path of Sparkles and Yee haw which is where I like to be… Watched this awesome Video last nite with Bob Proctor (Thank You my wonderful Auntie) (Bob Proctor is one of the men in The Secret – Which, if you have not seen yet.. GO.. RUN and get it!!!) and I was listening to what he said.. but I wasn’t sure it was seeping in.. I wanted it to… I woke up this morning.. still feeling the residue of last nites ickyness…. but like running every day.. I go thru this moment when I’m like.. “Do I really want to run today?” And I think of all these excuses to not run..and then I tell myself SHUT UP! You’re going to feel SO much better afterward.. and you know what? I do.

Sun is shining.. I’m saying SHUT UP Kerilyn! Start being positive! You’ll feel better! Trying to focus on the flower I cut and put in a little vase in the bathroom when I’m doing my eye makeup… then I was told of the status of someone in my past’s misfortune that, if God/Karma/Life hadn’t of changed.. would’ve been my everyday life. And man.. that was the kick in the butt I needed.  Wow.. here I am.. getting ready to be married.. Running Every Day.. at a job that, while it’s in a state of instability.. I still go to and look out the window at the beautiful Potomac River.. and I am going to the Reggae Festival 2009 this Sunday to listen to one of my FAVORITE performers, Beres Hammond !!! Woo Hoo! I am so blessed. I got a call yesterday… my dress is in! And I am going tonite to look at the first run of our invitations! I got news of  my friends Liz and Matthews made their flight arrangements to come in for the wedding..  and I have a man who I love very much who supports me in whatever I need.. and I wonder.. WHAT THE HECK AM I FEELING BLUE ABOUT?? HUH???

oh my… so miraculously.. I feel good (coincidentally Beres Hammond sings a song I LOVE called I feel good which will definitely be playing at the Reception) no.. I feel GREAT! As Tony the Tiger says….

So.. I go into my day feeling .. no.. KNOWING I am blessed. I can run and walk and sing and see and hear this morning… I feel valued at my job.. and know that when I go to bed at nite.. that ALL is as it should be…

Wow… Bob Proctor said that in the Book Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill that it takes JUST as much energy to be positive as it does to be negative…. I thought of that… Why I am CHOOSING to focus on all the ickyness.. when it takes JUST as much energy to feel ALIVE and grateful for all I DO have…!!!

So yea… Thank You to everyone for being there for me.. for your Facebook Comments..your texts and words of concern… I am very thankful you are in my life.. I am grateful I want for nothing.

So I dance into my day… tuning into Channel 84 on my Sirius Radio (The Joint – Reggae Channel) and say I wish you to focus on the good today… cause if you look.. there is a LOT of it going on!

Much Love,
Kerilyn