Hey everyone..

I need to vent.. and well.. I can’t think of a better place to do it than my home base….. Bear with me okay?

Okay.. Every once in a while.. I have these experiences where I come smack in the face with the root of who I am.. and If it’s a good thing or not. Let me explain.. This is me.. Kerilyn.. I have as long as I can remember (and if you know me please feel free to chime in here) I have always expressed who I am.. Good, Bad and Indifferent. It feels SO ingenuine to me to HIDE how I feel.. who I am.. I lay my cards down.. from the get go. I honestly don’t know how to do it otherwise… and to set the record straight. I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.  Sigh. I feel that I’d rather share with you who I am and how I feel (even if it’s me being in a bad mood) than to PRETEND. See I’m pretty observative and I can sense.. or tell when someone is not being “real” (Real being relative) I can tell. I always have…at least as long as I can remember… and I feel a VERY STRONG DISCORD with those that don’t really project who they are… again Good, Bad and Indifferent. I might not vibe with and choose to be around someone who is constantly negative… but I respect that they are being Really who they are. Am I making sense?

*Now TRUE.. I have sabotaged my own self worth due to drawing people into my life who I HAVE ALLOWED to treat me badly which will keep the broken record of  “See.. this is why I’m not worth it.” playing over and over… but that’s a different story. I don’t want to talk about that today.*

I love who I am.. I think you get that.. I love that I am the kind of person who you don’t have to guess who I am. I take the guess work out.      BUT EVERY once in a while.. I bump up against the feeling that maybe… I should NOT be this way..

Had a conversation with my love last nite.. about this topic. I have an issue going on at work that is causing me much uncomfortableness. There has been a mistake on a job site.. of which I know I am partly responsible but I go to the extreme and make it like the SKY IS FALLING and I know I am doing this and I can’t stop myself. Whew.. It wipes me out for up to a few days and I can’t think straight or snap out of it which I DESPARATELY want to do right now. It affects my concentration and my ability to communicate. MY ABILITY TO BE HAPPY AND FEEL BLESSED!!! (Which I know I am!!)  I beat myself up SO BAD that I feel like maybe am not in the right career… and maybe i’m not smart enough for this job..etc.. WOW.. it’s amazing the dialogue that goes thru my head. I know part of this is my fear of making mistakes in my job which is related to the fact that I’ve had so many jobs; it flashbacks to getting laid off 3 times and all the jobs that I felt panicky all day/every day… I don’t feel this way at my current job, which I really enjoy.. EXCEPT when I make a mistake.

Which lead me to my conversation with my love.. See I have had to communicate with my work about this situation and with other situations where I want to tell the client how it REALLY is (Real being Relative)… I WANT lay my cards down. 99.999% of the world does NOT lay their cards down so, especially when I have to deal with communication at work… I have to NOT say how I feel.. and follow the Tribe.. The “We” of it all if you know what I mean. I still feel the same.. I want to tell them EXACTLY how I feel.. but at work.. it’s about the bottom line.. and who did what… Responsibilities… “they” say:

“It’s not personal.. it’s business.”            and thisdreamergirl cringes at hearing that. EEK.

You mean my PERSONAL CHOICE to wake up.. and go to a certain place, 5 days a week.. to be compensated for a Salary that will help me support my PERSONAL life… is not Personal? Can you see how this just quakes at the foundation of who is me? And.. on top of that… someone who has had a very disenchanted AND PERSONAL experience with her career? Was it a PERSONAL CHOICE that my father felt strongly about dishing out THOUSANDS of dollars for my education so I could have PERSONAL choices when it came to my career?  Sigh.. this is a HUGE Speed bump in my brain… not a negative one.. but one that I can’t seem to grasp from those 99.999% of other peoples view.

So… when a mistake is made..I want to lay my cards down, say “hey, this was my mistake”  or in the topic of talking to clients about a touchy subject… but I can’t.. and then I feel… I don’t know the word.. I’m going to say STUCK.

I feel stuck in What should I do.. and then I bump up against what I WANT TO DO. (Lay my cards down) and what most of the world does (DOESN’T) and then I feel like well.. 99.999% of the world doesn’t.. maybe I can learn to NOT show everyone who I am too?  I hear.. “Don’t tell them it’s your fault.. don’t assume blame.” But then I look around at most of the worlds businesses.. and all of this philosophy going on and the demise of so many corporations…PERSONAL jobs… that I really have a hard time thinking that is the RIGHT thing to do (Right being Relative) and feel that maybe if we can start being REAL with everyone we meet.. that we will “Naturally Gravitate toward others of like mind.”

*Yes.. the same could be said of PERSONAL Relationships, I’m guessing.*

And that’s where I find myself today…. This happens to me from time to time.. Especially in situations like this. And I don’t know what to do or how to push past it. MY OWN BOTTOM LINE IS… I LOVE WHO I AM.  I have the most connected friendships/relationships with people because of my lack of card playing. See.. when I am in a GREAT MOOD… I CAN LIGHT UP SOMEONES LIFE. I KNOW THIS ABOUT MYSELF. I CAN HELP INSPIRE.. AND LEAD OTHERS TO FOLLOWING THEIR DREAMS AND FIND THEIR HAPPINESS. But the down side (Rephrase) The stinky side is.. When I’m feeling lost.. I know others around me feel what I”m feeling too.. and I bump into this inner question which is.. “Should I be this way?” And well.. this is where I need some guidance. (Side note: Peter was telling me how I would be a HORRIBLE Poker Player… Matthew/Kristy?)  I DIVE DEEP.. into the abyss of where those 99.999% of people are TOO AFRAID to go.. and sometimes.. I feel like the perverbial Astronaut who’s let go of her shuttle and is floating out there.. trying to figure out what to grab on to.

I don’t know.. I think part of this is being an Empath I know this.. But the other part is. How can I live among the Tribe and still not feel disingenuine to my soul?

 I quote Oriah Mountain Dreamers Poem in “The Invitation“ 

 ”It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.”

And well… I’m feeling like i’m floating out there today. I’m really just venting.. but If you could provide some assistance.. In Perfect Love and Perfect Grace.. then I graciously accept.

Much Love,
Kerilyn

My 2nd Entry from Kerilyn Fox on Vimeo.

So how can I share with you all how my life has realy been the manifestation of a dream. No Really it has. It seems that with Every Day.. Every Week… I am settling into my life.. Enjoying it (Okay I still have my moments) and really appreciating all the love that surrounds me. It starts when I wake up in the morning to my love and my kitty girl in the bed with me… then to my delicious cup of coffee that I enjoy in the morning…. I haven’t been meditating every morning,  for about six months.. Not sure quite why.. I have been sleeping in more.. I think I need the extra sleep. At first I was really beating myself up that I wasn’t meditating.. since I had been doing it for almost 8 years.. but I just settled in my mind that I’m passing from one phase into another like the perverbial Caterpillar into a Butterfly. I feel like I’ve been transitioning into what I am seeing today when I look in the mirror.. and well.. I need some extra rest.  I am not dismayed.. I know God still loves me.. I know my Spirit people are still there too… I know that I can still ‘tune in’ when i’m running or well.. now that I have started this amazing journey with Jivamukti Yoga (more on that in a bit). I go to a job that I really enjoy.. I work with people that I really enjoy and I look to the left at my desk and I am looking at this wide expanse of River before me.. watching the boats and the rowers go by.. watch the Rain Storms come in.. and the clouds change.. at the people who are running or walking their dogs on the trail… I’m telling you.. this is one FINE 9-5 job AND.. I am financially in a place where Saving is my only goal. I then go from my job.. to exercising which makes me feel alive.. and more in tune with myself and my body. Then back home to my little kitty girl.. and if Peters off or opening that day.. home to my love where we’ll either sit outside with our lovely neighbors.. or sit and watch a movie together.. snuggled on the couch.

This is my life.  Not just as it isn’t sunny every day.. I have my moments of cloudyness.. rain.. and blah. That hasn’t changed for years… It comes in.. it goes out.. But you want to know what’s different? I can SEE it now.. I can see it come in and pass with greater clarity. I’m saying that yes, sometimes I can still be a bear.. or yes, I still can get frustrated with what’s in front of me.. but my eyes are taking everything in… my soul opens up.. and I am more thankful now for all that I have.. all that has transpired in this past year.. than I EVER have been. I have some AMAZING friendships/connections with my lovelies .. deep and steadfast.. no matter what the weather.. that makes me feel SO blessed. My beloved family… feeling a sense of shedding old fears/resentments to allow healthy and fresh love in…  something I feel so strongly that I want to do… NEED to do… before I get married. And let’s not forget that this dreamer girl… will, if all goes as we Visualize it to.. will at some point have a little miracle growing inside me.. Wow.. just saying that kinda takes my breath away.. kinda makes me want to cry… I have never talked about this more than I have in the past 6-8 months of my life. And it’s getting more comfortable talking about… I still feel unknowing.. with regard to the How To’s.. but my heart, I feel, is opening and preparing itself for this next chapter… I’ve always been a mushy person.. and I have a feeling that being a parent is going to open me up beyond recognition. With my faith… after the wedding.. I will be meditating on the spirit of the little one charted to be our child. Okay enough for now. Deep Breath in…

Memorial Day Weekend I departed into the Big Blue Sky to fly down to Charleston, SC to be with one of my best friends, Michelle for a few days. I won’t go into the whole weekend but I will say that that weekend was one of the best few days of my entire life. It was the whole package for me…REALLY Good Food and Drink, Taking in the beautiful town that is Charleston, little shops to go into and look around, family (hers) which is so familiar to me, LOTS of amazing “Swimming in the Deep End” talks with Michelle that seemed to just ebb and flow from subject to subject without much trouble.. Really going deep.. sitting outside with a glass of wine and a smoke or two (yea yea.. Enjoy it like a fine wine I do)  Just being us… and well… without minimizing it.. a Reconnection to my faith which is SO important to who I am.. wow. Michelle and another Soul mate of hers, Marty.. took me to a Jivamukti Yoga class.. which honestly I can say changed my perception of my life.. and my love of God and the Universe and mostly.. of MYSELF.. for I am part of God. I have come away from this weekend Loving myself more.. Wow again. I put that weekend on a very soft ,but very sturdy shelf where I can look at it always as something to cherish for the rest of my life. Here… check out the pictures from that weekend!

And well.. then there’s Peter. It is beyond words yet again.. to explain that we are still… even months after being engaged.. falling more in love with each other every day. It’s almost like… every day.. we become more beautiful and more beautiful to each other. I know there are times when Peter looks at me and he is overwhelmed at the feelings he’s feeling for me.. and feel the EXACT Same.  We have been having regular moments when we look at each other and say.. “We are going to be married!” Holy Moly I am so excited.. let me tell you.. to be Mrs. Kerilyn Russo. There is so much love there…Wow.

I am becoming a Monarch Butterfly folks.. One Big (Tall) Beautiful, Colorful and Gracious Butterfly. Floating High above the trees… taking in all the beauty that is this world. And I am so dang proud of myself!!!!

I can go on and on.. but I’m going to end here for now… I send you much Love… Much.. Much Love.
Thank You for helping me be who I see in the mirror.
Your Butterfly girl,
Kerilyn

PS: I had to share this.. I went for a run outside today… SO beautiful out… two things I LOVED about my run today:

1. The GLORIOUS Smell of Honeysuckle that filled the air.. oh my.. it was AMAZING!!!
2. When the bikers would pass me from behind.. they would ring their bell that sounded like a Tibetan bell, resonating in my ears.. It made me smile every time I heard it.