ok..its Saturday , stating this post at 4:01pm… sitting here on the couch.. still in my pajamas.. with both the front and back door open… listening to life outside (ep.. the clock just chimed… i haven’t set it right.. it’s 2 minutes behind) the wind… the leaves ruffling.. the birds.. a infrequent passing car…. sounds lovely…

See.. I have declared today ME day… which really means “KERILYN DO NOTHING TODAY” day…. or maybe I should call today “JUST ~~~ BE~~~~~” day…. so the fact that it’s now 4:04pm and I’m still in my pajamas.. with the TV off and I’m listening to the world…. and NOT making plans to do something… is something short of a miracle. Wow.. I can remember VIVIDLY being at my grandparents house in Queens, NY where the only thing I would hear for HOURS would be this.. the sounds of planes flying by… birds… cicadas.. the wind and passing cars… Hmm.. I just had a flashback.. Good Times. (Whomever said that NYC is the city that never sleeps never really spend much time on 116th Street in Richmond Hill, Queens, NY in the summertime)

Some people.. when they have multiple plans in a weeks period of time.. feel exhausted..Not me… too many wonderful friends to connect with, things to do in and around the city.. goals to work on meeting. That I find doing this.. sitting here.. is quite… unsettling..

Let’s see… just a handful of things I could be doing today:

1. Taking Pez to get her nails trimmed
2. Doing all my laundry
3. Really Scrubbing the Kitchen floor like I really want to
4. Go see Sunshine Cleaning this afternoon
5. Find someone to eat Sushi with
6. Go get a pedicure

That’s just the few things that come to my mind… But no.. Alas.. I sit here, writing to you.. WANTNG to write to you so as to not feel alone with my rambling and sometimes unproductive thoughts. (Aren’t most thoughts unproductive REALLY?) So I sit here with my legs propped up on the coffee table.. well.. here’s a picture so you can be with me.

So… What else?? I just got done watching a Good Movie.. Now let me preface by saying I’m not the biggest Woody Allen Fan.. but this movie speaks to my Dreamer/Arty/Girly Side… called Vicky Christina Barcelona – loved it. Loved the Art.. the Music.. the Way of life.. the Feminine clothing and hair styles..The way they enjoy food and drink… i highly recommend it if you are in the mood for a different (and more intimate/emotional) take on Woody Allen movies.

Oh.. let’s give a round of applause to my girl Michelle.. Michelle Ran her first 10K Race today!!! Yea!! She ran the entire time and I am VERY VERY proud of her!!! clap clap clap!!! Yea… Because today was “KERILYN DON’T MAKE PLANS TODAY!!!” day… I was able to enjoy a long conversation with Michelle without worrying about where I was off to next.. and feeling guilty that I had to end our conversation short.. Which, I needed because I needed a dose of Kerilyn and Michelle. (Side note I am VERY excited to go down to Charleston for a long “Swimming in the Deep End” weekend with Michelle over Memorial Day! Yippee!!

What else is in this head of mine? um…. I am happy. I’m getting happier exponentially that my therapist sees a significant difference and she only wants to see me once a month instead of historically every 2 weeks. She always ends the session by saying “Good Work.” I like to hear that. I need to hear that I think. A parental sort of move that makes me feel satisfied that my eternally ‘churning churning’ actions (or inactions) and thoughts.

churn – v. to agitate or stir/ adj. moving with or produced or producing with vigorous agitation; in a state of turbulence

oh.. back to being happy.. Yes. I am. I feel more happy and contented that I EVER have been in my entire life. I’m coming to find this is a huge epiphany for me.. this.. “wistful soul” (wistful being the only real word that sums up this inner need to continually search for that that inspires.. that makes this beautiful world tick. (even the yucky gross black parts that I know is there but I don’t focus too much time on thankfully) I take a deep sigh and really realize that this is exactly where I have always wanted to be all my life. HERE. Sitting right here.. in this scenario of a life. Doing a job I love… being inspired.. with someone that makes me feel beautiful, who also has passion and wants to enjoy all that being alive entails while making yummy food that I really shouldn’t be eating because I saw really yucky pictures of myself looking like a cow….

wait a minute…. off topic..

as I was saying…. so yea.. I’m happy… I know that Peter and I are reasonably comfortable financially.. and that in the next year or so.. we will have what it takes to support a family..

wait wait.. kerilyn??? did you say FAMILY?

yes yes folks… family.. just today i was looking in the Coupons and in the KMART pages.. I saw these adorable newborn sandals.. and even found myself getting up and showing Peter where I simultaneously said.. out loud mind you.. “Aww honey.. look at these cute little shoes”.. Peter lovingly looked at me and smiled..

so it begins. This weird yearning to look at baby clothes and understand how cloth diapers are better for the environment is growing stronger.. and yes… admittedly it scares the crap out of me. (not literally) WHY? you ask. Good Question.

Because I’m a planner. Because I’m NOT spontaneous (I know I know.. as you think so shall you be. I know) and I think I’m terrified of projectile vomit. (No I’m not kidding about this one) DO I have the basic tools inside me to NOT mess up my child with overachiever thoughts and panic attacks if they don’t put their shoes in the “right” place? I’m serious people.. I’m not scared of the poop.. I’m scared of THIS.. ME!!! Can I mess my future child up with my own ‘ness’?

ok.. there.. I wrote it.. it’s out.. and I dont’ want to go into it anymore.. it will probably come out more as time progresses… my hands are starting to sweat thinking about this… and my heart is definitely beating faster so moving along I will…

Are you tired of reading this yet? My… ramblings? No? Ok.. I continue.

Hmm.. what else? This really is a version of my own therapy you do know that right? And as the Great Bill Cosby Says.. “Push it out , Shove it out…. WAY OUT!” So OUT I will go! I will honestly say I think I’m a good writer.. and if sitting here and just typing out my thoughts is writing.. and if this is what it takes in a continual fashion for multiple pages acquired that will henceforth create a book of sorts.. then I DEFINITELY have what it takes…

(side note: Is there a limit to how much you can type in WordPress? Note to self to ask Kyra Girl)

Tomorrow I am supposed to get up early… like 5AM early and find my way down to the tidal basin where I have volunteered to hand water out to the runners of the Cherry Blossom 10K/5K Race . I have been very excited EXCEPT for the time. Eww.. Have to BE there at 6AM. Gross. It’ll be fun.. Suck it up Kerilyn. I wanted to do this to be in the ENERGY of running and runners… Cause I need to be inspired. a bout of shin splints and a recent episode of sweating profusely while running my 2.25 miles every day… I need to be inspired… I really want to run a 5K soon.. Like Yesterday. But alas.. it is what it is.

Ok well.. I think that’s all I have inside of me for now. It’s now 4:57pm. Almost an hour of ramblings.. I’d say pretty good… I love ya.. know that…. I leave you with this.. DON’T GIVE UP.. Whatever your circumstance is.. whatever your facing… DONT GIVE UP…. go ahead.. cry.. get angry…. punch a tree (don’t worry they can handle it.. not sure your hand can though – oh and apologize afterward to the tree) or throw out all the clothes in your closet because their ugly and search bargain sales for new and fabulous clothes… but don’t EVER EVER give up.

I promise I won’t if you won’t….. Deal?

Much Love. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Kerilyn

Posted Saturday, April 4th, 2009 at 2:00 pm | High Low. Subscribe to the comments RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.