High/Low 9.29.04
how’s it goin folks?
goin, right? yep, me too. first i want to thank you all for your beautiful comments today; Shannon, Naomi, Kyra, Cathy, Stephanie, Mr. Sheridan (I will call you soon) thanks.. it is much appreciated, please trust me.
as for me.. (is it weird that I feel so selfish just going into me and not really asking you all how your doin? hmm..) today was a repeat of yesterday.. despair.. hopelessness.. spontaneous crying… especially when I saw my neighbor, Nicole (who.. I will miss SO much when i move, I can’t think of it long.. I’ll cry) Nicole looked at me and said that I looked good (i’m going to assume the fact that I am losing weight) well i lost it.. I cried all the way almost to the gym…
again i want to say that I really don’t know what is going on.. I just know something is.. Funny but my poor faith is getting whacked against the wall.. or pounded on like those pounders for flattening chicken.. I’m whacking at it saying mean things to it.. hoping it will ‘kick in’… but that’s not working… I’m sure it’s just doing the opposite..
funny.. i really do believe in the principals of ‘as you think.. so shall you be’.. man.what does that mean for me.. i usually try really hard to watch what i think and say (not always successful), keeping that principal in mind.. the other one.. ‘ask and you shall receive’..yea, not sure that one actually works at this moment in time. wait.. did i ask for nothing to happen in my life? hmmm.. maybe that’s the answer (insert sarcasm that’s not sarcasm) maybe all this time spent meditating.. creative visualizations.. is just my failed attempt when I should’ve been sleeping those extra 30 minutes every day.. hmmm.. at least that way i won’t be upset when my goals don’t come true.. cause i hadn’t decided what I wanted them to be….
oh well.. ambivalence is the answer folks.. I think I might try going thru life not giving a shit, that MIGHT just be the answer (yes i realized i said shit.. hope that doesn’t offend anyone) it does seem like the least risky thing to do…
so.. if your asking yourself.. WHAT is going on with her that is making her speak lunatic words? Good question!!! wow.. i just wrote them all to you, long paragraph.. but thought that I am not up for telling you all everything that’s going on.. (partially cause it’s not fair to you all to read that) but just trust me.. I got stuff going on.. my own “stuff” ,the same “stuff” that I always tell you that we need to rise above.. I KNOW i need to figure out how to rise above this.. i just have NO idea how to.. (anyone have any ideas?)
oh well.. another one down.
i like the idea that you don’t want to make wishes anymore, kerilyn. i think all the wishing is a big part of what’s dragging you down. seems like you put a lot of weight on things (like the perfect job, car, boy) and set yourself up for disappointment: not because you are undeserving or have unrealistic goals, but because you can compartmentalize or package your happeness and represent it in these other things, and long for them when you know it’s really going to be about you in the end anyway, big life change or not. i only knew you for 5 weeks but your self-image or happiness seemed to be heavily vested in these other things. maybe i will understand when i get older and have a job i don’t like and feel stuck…for now i can’t imagine. your entry today has struck me as one of the most honest, in-touch, thinking-outside-the-box ones i’ve read and to me you seem like you could be moving in a better direcion no matter how crappy you feel at the moment.
Long time, no chat. Despite the fact that we haven’t talked for awhile, Keriwinwin, I still check in every day to see how you are doing. I must say that I agree with Bridge-tee’s comments. I myself am a planner and years ago had very specific ideas about where my life was going (the ideal job, house, relationship… you name it). And for the most part, I stuck to the plan. But then things changed (or maybe I just changed) and my ideal plan wasn’t so ideal anymore. Unfortunately, however, I felt the need to stick to my ideal plan anyway, because it was my plan, dammit. But I had days like you have where the inevitable frustration and disappointment snuck in. Why inevitable? Because our ideals are just that… ideal and reality wasn’t quite delivering (as it often does). Does it mean we have to settle for something less than we hope for? No. But how am I really supposed to know exactly what I want and/or need all of the time? I was so caught up in my ideal that it’s likely that I missed out on some other interesting opportunities because I was not open to them (i.e., they didn’t fit into the ideal picture of my life). So what happened? I ended up hurting someone else and myself in the long run. So now things are different. My ideal life now: just to be happy and enjoy whatever I can. However I can. My hopes are a little more general now… and I honestly feel better. And I am happy. I still have days when I feel like crap…. everybody does. But sometimes you have to change the way you look at things (e.g., general hopes versus very specific dreams) and open yourself up. I found someone to be with who is not anything near what I envisioned as my ideal partner… but he actually is. And it still surprises me. You are great person meant for great things. And they will happen, but just remember that they might not match up to your ideal vision or happen on your time table. Some days patience is a lot to ask, I know. But it is so worth the wait. I know it’s a little sapppy, but when you are feeling down, look around you and be happy for you do have (for example, lovely friends from WV that still love you, wink wink) instead of focusing on all of the things that you don’t. Because you may never have everything you need/want and, therefore, will often be disappointed. And you deserve much better than that. So turn on some rockin music and dance around your house (pretend I am there shakin’ it with you) or go for a run (and run like Phoebe from “Friends,” I swear you will feel better) and know that your friends are behind you!!!