High/Low 9.28.04
so it’s wednesday. i had no enthusiasm to write last nite. Something is going on with me.. dont’ know what. Started this Sunday…I am feeling angry, raging.. and hopeless.. like I really have NO reason to even try anymore.. Why? Why try? I feel like crying all the time.. ya wanna know how I really feel? Like God is too busy to take care of me.. I mean what the heck do i have to be hopeful about?
whatever… who cares anyway? Why be positive? Why care about others? Why?
On one positive note.. seemingly the ONLY thing in my life that is good news.. Naomi closed on the house yesterday.. it was good to be with her to watch it/support her.. i am excited to move in.. unfortunately I am in this mood where I am foreshadowing my yearning to be alone.. in this new house…
listen people.. i know this is unrealistic.. i CAN see that. Please don’t email me and tell me how wrong I am for feeling this.. I’m not wrong. It is.. how i’m feeling and that’s valid and it is what it is.. I know something will happen that will break this.. but this is where i am.. for now.
I am tired of making wishes, of hoping for some BIG change.. So I say I give up.. I don’t care anymore.
Kerilyn…I am with you and behind you (but not in a scarey, sneaking up behind you kind of way…hahahaha) but in a I’ve-been-there-it-sucks-and-it-is-what-it-is-kindof-way. Keep on hangin’ on.
I don’t know if this is going to help at all….but everybody feels this way. I do all the time. And it makes it worse because you think that everyone else has their shit together and you’re the only one who doesn’t. But I am telling you that NO ONE has it together – some people have moments of sanity and clarity and joy and others are just better at hiding and pretending they’re okay. but you’re not alone. Also, for me, for a long time, I had a plan of what was supposed to happen. And all at once, the plans fell through and it seemed like I was scrambling to hold myself together. And I came up with an alternative plan that I thought, Well this isn’t what I wanted to happen but this will tide me over until I figure out my life. And last night, as I was walking home, it hit me: I’m okay with this, my life right now, actually i’m good with this. For awhile, I looked at my situation as something I was settling for because my “main” plans fell through, but sometimes, when you’re not paying attention, you realize that it wasn’t what you planned, but the alternative reality you are living now is just as good, if not better, than what was “supposed” to happen.