how’s it goin folks?

goin, right? yep, me too. first i want to thank you all for your beautiful comments today; Shannon, Naomi, Kyra, Cathy, Stephanie, Mr. Sheridan (I will call you soon) thanks.. it is much appreciated, please trust me.

as for me.. (is it weird that I feel so selfish just going into me and not really asking you all how your doin? hmm..) today was a repeat of yesterday.. despair.. hopelessness.. spontaneous crying… especially when I saw my neighbor, Nicole (who.. I will miss SO much when i move, I can’t think of it long.. I’ll cry) Nicole looked at me and said that I looked good (i’m going to assume the fact that I am losing weight) well i lost it.. I cried all the way almost to the gym…

again i want to say that I really don’t know what is going on.. I just know something is.. Funny but my poor faith is getting whacked against the wall.. or pounded on like those pounders for flattening chicken.. I’m whacking at it saying mean things to it.. hoping it will ‘kick in’… but that’s not working… I’m sure it’s just doing the opposite..

funny.. i really do believe in the principals of ‘as you think.. so shall you be’.. man.what does that mean for me.. i usually try really hard to watch what i think and say (not always successful), keeping that principal in mind.. the other one.. ‘ask and you shall receive’..yea, not sure that one actually works at this moment in time. wait.. did i ask for nothing to happen in my life? hmmm.. maybe that’s the answer (insert sarcasm that’s not sarcasm) maybe all this time spent meditating.. creative visualizations.. is just my failed attempt when I should’ve been sleeping those extra 30 minutes every day.. hmmm.. at least that way i won’t be upset when my goals don’t come true.. cause i hadn’t decided what I wanted them to be….

oh well.. ambivalence is the answer folks.. I think I might try going thru life not giving a shit, that MIGHT just be the answer (yes i realized i said shit.. hope that doesn’t offend anyone) it does seem like the least risky thing to do…

so.. if your asking yourself.. WHAT is going on with her that is making her speak lunatic words? Good question!!! wow.. i just wrote them all to you, long paragraph.. but thought that I am not up for telling you all everything that’s going on.. (partially cause it’s not fair to you all to read that) but just trust me.. I got stuff going on.. my own “stuff” ,the same “stuff” that I always tell you that we need to rise above.. I KNOW i need to figure out how to rise above this.. i just have NO idea how to.. (anyone have any ideas?)

oh well.. another one down.

so it’s wednesday. i had no enthusiasm to write last nite. Something is going on with me.. dont’ know what. Started this Sunday…I am feeling angry, raging.. and hopeless.. like I really have NO reason to even try anymore.. Why? Why try? I feel like crying all the time.. ya wanna know how I really feel? Like God is too busy to take care of me.. I mean what the heck do i have to be hopeful about?

whatever… who cares anyway? Why be positive? Why care about others? Why?

On one positive note.. seemingly the ONLY thing in my life that is good news.. Naomi closed on the house yesterday.. it was good to be with her to watch it/support her.. i am excited to move in.. unfortunately I am in this mood where I am foreshadowing my yearning to be alone.. in this new house…

listen people.. i know this is unrealistic.. i CAN see that. Please don’t email me and tell me how wrong I am for feeling this.. I’m not wrong. It is.. how i’m feeling and that’s valid and it is what it is.. I know something will happen that will break this.. but this is where i am.. for now.

I am tired of making wishes, of hoping for some BIG change.. So I say I give up.. I don’t care anymore.