hey ya’ll..

how are ya? sigh.. well i feel a lot better.. I want to thank you, Bridget, for your comment today.. it really was what i needed to read to really put things in perspective.. (if only i could figure a way to put things in perspective myself without outside help). Lori aka Haircut.. thank you too.. was a great surprise to hear from an old but dear friend. I woke up this morning feeling like I needed to put an end to these wishes.. these big dreams.. not kill them off, mind you.. but to stop focusing on them as what will make my life a success. I really cannot tell you why I am this way.. maybe it’s from having a very successful father in his career.. and the example he set for me of what I thought success should be in my career.. (that’s my guess.. but NOT at all the sole reason) who knows..

i meditated.. and afterwards, to signify an ending of the push i was going to give my yearning to work at the Corcoran.. I gave the Director of Personnel a final call.. i told her that i was just checking in.. that i’m still interested, in becoming part of the Career Services Center. Well.. to my utmost surprise.. she called me back. left a message and wants to set up a meeting next week. I feel calm… maybe this is a test.. but i’ll say it could be exciting.. I told myself I’d give up the fire in the eyes consuming feeling of wanting this.. so we’ll see what happens.. everything happens for a reason..

Thanks everyone for tuning in.. tomorrow i leave for New Jersey.. for the funeral… It’s going to be a long weekend.. and then I get ready to move.. (tomorrow I am putting in my 30 days notice.. I have loved living here.. LOVED… and will miss it.. my area.. but I am really psyched for this new change.. I guess there is a sadness.. so much has happened here.. one example.. since September 2000, I spent 11 months in this apartment unemployed.. that’s almost a year of day in and day out of this apartment.. this apartment held the beginning (basically) and ending of my first relationship.. many laughs and many tears shed.. but alas.. moving is an opportunity to give ritual and honor to those experiences.. and to ask for an abundance of new experiences.. new adventures (I mean.. how AWESOME is it going to be to live right next door to one of your best friends? yea.. awesome)

I look back on the past few days.. of my roller coaster of irratic feelings and emotions.. I still don’t know why I was feeling so enraged.. so out of control.. still feeling the wake of it.. but not as strong at all.. but I’m sure there is a rhyme and reason of things..

here.. i want to share with you all something i have never exposed but to a few of you.. I am a poet. want to share something small.. about the past few days … hope you don’t mind.

‘as is’

how I’m feeling as I throw my emotions against

the wall like spaghetti clinging for dear life.

dented cans in the grocery store.

half price.

that one damn red sock..

bleeding over my newly clorox-ed shirts.

still looks the same..

the height and breath of me

resembles no difference than the

pictures of a not so distant past.

but with my magnifying glass, I see…

the ingredients have been stirred and muddied

her composition askew..

a cacophony of untuned instruments

someone, please stop the ringing in my ears..

and pounding in my heart for i feel

unraveled.

undone.

waving the white flag of all future endeavors

I walk toward indifference with my hands up.

surrender.

thoughts as sharp as little shards of glass I step on

when I didn’t sweep up all the remains of my

broken heart and melodramatic intentions become the

prisoner in this poem.

feeling trapped in my cell with a beautiful willow

staring back at me from my designated window.

I stare long enough at my friend the tree

and i am free again…the bars fade away..

and i am free to run and skip and sleep

perchance to dream

a day of blue skies and

clear starry nights; when the only thing ‘as is’

is everything I know.

and that is alright with me.

-Kerilyn Fox

ok not so small…. SO me.

Ancora Imparo.

Love you all,

Kerilyn

in interior design and architecture.. on drawings we usually say things that will remove us from liability, also called “Cover your butt notes” or CYB notes (this is an actual thing).. for example, “Please be aware that all drawings might not represent actual dimensions and the client is required to verify all field measurements before construction.” yea.. that’s their way of saying – even though I might be showing you this.. doesn’t mean it’s right in reality…

and i have been sitting here thinking about it.. my posts the past few days.. this strange state I’m feeling.. and I want to tell you all my own version of “cover your but notes”…

this is how i’m feeling now. it doesn’t mean that i will feel this way a day from now, even a minute from now.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason.. I’m not just saying that as an excuse.. so this has to be happening for something… maybe it’s protecting me from something.. WHO knows.

I know i will not be in this phase for much longer (I already feel better, strangely) I kinda have a feeling what I need to work on… working on not working on something.. not wishing and not making expectations anymore.

anyway.. just want you to know i might feel strongly, one way/today but tomorrow i might feel COMPLETELY different and that is OK!

how’s it goin folks?

goin, right? yep, me too. first i want to thank you all for your beautiful comments today; Shannon, Naomi, Kyra, Cathy, Stephanie, Mr. Sheridan (I will call you soon) thanks.. it is much appreciated, please trust me.

as for me.. (is it weird that I feel so selfish just going into me and not really asking you all how your doin? hmm..) today was a repeat of yesterday.. despair.. hopelessness.. spontaneous crying… especially when I saw my neighbor, Nicole (who.. I will miss SO much when i move, I can’t think of it long.. I’ll cry) Nicole looked at me and said that I looked good (i’m going to assume the fact that I am losing weight) well i lost it.. I cried all the way almost to the gym…

again i want to say that I really don’t know what is going on.. I just know something is.. Funny but my poor faith is getting whacked against the wall.. or pounded on like those pounders for flattening chicken.. I’m whacking at it saying mean things to it.. hoping it will ‘kick in’… but that’s not working… I’m sure it’s just doing the opposite..

funny.. i really do believe in the principals of ‘as you think.. so shall you be’.. man.what does that mean for me.. i usually try really hard to watch what i think and say (not always successful), keeping that principal in mind.. the other one.. ‘ask and you shall receive’..yea, not sure that one actually works at this moment in time. wait.. did i ask for nothing to happen in my life? hmmm.. maybe that’s the answer (insert sarcasm that’s not sarcasm) maybe all this time spent meditating.. creative visualizations.. is just my failed attempt when I should’ve been sleeping those extra 30 minutes every day.. hmmm.. at least that way i won’t be upset when my goals don’t come true.. cause i hadn’t decided what I wanted them to be….

oh well.. ambivalence is the answer folks.. I think I might try going thru life not giving a shit, that MIGHT just be the answer (yes i realized i said shit.. hope that doesn’t offend anyone) it does seem like the least risky thing to do…

so.. if your asking yourself.. WHAT is going on with her that is making her speak lunatic words? Good question!!! wow.. i just wrote them all to you, long paragraph.. but thought that I am not up for telling you all everything that’s going on.. (partially cause it’s not fair to you all to read that) but just trust me.. I got stuff going on.. my own “stuff” ,the same “stuff” that I always tell you that we need to rise above.. I KNOW i need to figure out how to rise above this.. i just have NO idea how to.. (anyone have any ideas?)

oh well.. another one down.

so it’s wednesday. i had no enthusiasm to write last nite. Something is going on with me.. dont’ know what. Started this Sunday…I am feeling angry, raging.. and hopeless.. like I really have NO reason to even try anymore.. Why? Why try? I feel like crying all the time.. ya wanna know how I really feel? Like God is too busy to take care of me.. I mean what the heck do i have to be hopeful about?

whatever… who cares anyway? Why be positive? Why care about others? Why?

On one positive note.. seemingly the ONLY thing in my life that is good news.. Naomi closed on the house yesterday.. it was good to be with her to watch it/support her.. i am excited to move in.. unfortunately I am in this mood where I am foreshadowing my yearning to be alone.. in this new house…

listen people.. i know this is unrealistic.. i CAN see that. Please don’t email me and tell me how wrong I am for feeling this.. I’m not wrong. It is.. how i’m feeling and that’s valid and it is what it is.. I know something will happen that will break this.. but this is where i am.. for now.

I am tired of making wishes, of hoping for some BIG change.. So I say I give up.. I don’t care anymore.

hello everybody,

how’s it goin? Just got in bout 30 minutes ago from New Jersey. WHAT a long drive it was.. 6.5 hours going up and 4.5 coming back. I’m tired and mentally exhausted and although I have REALLY REALLY exciting news.. I’m not feeling enthusiastic. I’m glad I went up to visit. It was really nice weather this weekend in NJ, thankfully.

High: ok.. ready for my great, amazing, “I can’t believe this is happening” news? I have a website!!!! I’ve been wanting to do this for SO long.. years, part of the reasoning for going up to NJ was to sit down with my girlfriend Kyra so we can create the look of my website. We sat for 4 hours or so.. and she magically created this wonderful website, using only our ideas and all the knowledge she has. I am BLOWN away at how much I love it! I am so thankful and grateful for her to help me with part of my wishes this year. For now, till I figure out about finding a host for my site, kyra has graciously put my site on her site. Please check her site out.. it’s awesome too! So…. I give you http://www.whykyra.com/kerilynsite/index.html soon to be www.ancora-imparo.net PLEASE give me your feedback, ideas, thoughts, quandries, etc.. I’m really interested to know what you think. Shoot me an email or send a comment thru this day’s high/low. This is a live website, and although all the pages are not designed yet, you can access my high/low from hitting the menu, if you like. Yea! I was SO excited watching her design it.. and I’m SO excited to be able to manage it on my own.. when the time comes.

Low:

Hey everyone.. it’s monday morning.. I’m exhausted.. have a migraine.. and decided I’m not going to work today. Peter’s grandfather died yesterday.. I stayed up late last nite trying to help comfort.. ended up that he comforted me and I cried for hours. My eyes hurt from pouring out the tears. Lots of emotions.. life, my trust in others, my assumptions, my own neurosis, my aspirations, my seemingly failed attempt at trying to succeed in my career, my life….. peter’s suppression of how he REALLY feels..and how I couldn’t help him ‘let it out’ … kinda hit me last nite. I slept like 3 hours.. feel quite emotionally and physically drained. I’ll probably write more later but I just want you to know I’m ok.. but I’m just feeling kinda out of sorts today. yea.. I’ll write more later after I sleep some more.

ancora imparo.

love you all,

kerilyn

“It is not easy to be reborn as a human being. It is rarer than for a one-eyed turtle, who rises to the surface only once every hundred years, to push his neck through a wooden yoke with one hold that floats on the surface of the wide ocean.” – Buddha Shakyamuni

Hey kids…

How are ya? I’m good.. anxious but good. It’s thursday nite.. it’s warmed up enough in temperature that I’ve had to put the air on tonite.. I guess there will be no listening to crickets tonite. I think this weekend it’s supposed to be really nice.. fingers crossed it’s as nice in New Jersey.

High: Had a very synchronistic day today.. Had to do errands today.. and when I would go do one errand.. the other errand would lay itself out nicely in front of me.. I was actually watching the string of “I don’t believe in coincidences” coincidences play out.. It was interesting! I found a cute store that I will be frequenting when I have some time to browse. I left work for a meeting, after meeting I went got my car inspected.. got eyebrows waxed.. a productive day .. non-work wise. Eh.. we all need those kindsa days sometimes. I’m happy to say that I will be leaving at 3 tomorrow afternoon from work so I can get on the road to go to New Jersey sooner. I would LOVE to be there by 7:30-8ish! Had a good study group tonite.. good to catch up with my sister, Kristine, and Naomi. My sister told me that she can tell I’m losing weight.. what a great feeling!

Low: BAD hair day. It’s muggy and sweaty out today.. eww. My office today was SAUNA hot.. one day it’s freezing antartic and the other day it’s like baking.. hard to get work done! Didn’t get all my errands done that I wanted… oh well there’s tomorrow.

Ok my lovelies.. I hope you have a good weekend. Do something fun. Go for a bike ride.

Ancora Imparo “I am still learning” in Latin.

love you all,

Kerilyn

“In the middle of our life journey, I found myself in a dark wood. I had wandered from the straight path. It isn’t easy to talk about it, it was such a thick, wild and rough forest that when I think of it my fear returns. I can’t offer any good explanation for how I entered it. I was so sleepy at that point that I strayed from the right path.” – Dantes Inferno, Canto I

Hey there Hi there Ho there..

How are ya this beautiful evening? Good I hope! I’m good.. had a slightly better than average day.. it’s been a wonderful day.. bit warmer than the past few days but not a cloud in the sky again.. Tonite the crickets are speaking to me, their melodious tones that I love to sleep to.

High: It was beautiful out.. my boss and I went to a meeting in D.C that only lasted 30 minutes (we predicted 2 hours) so we went, got a cup of coffee and sat in the park looking onto the water for 30 minutes or so.. I was kinda blown away that my boss.. of all people was the one who suggested it.. it was interesting to feel like I’m doing something fishy but I’m not.. Work was ok.. nothing special. Good workout at the gym.. kicking my own butt to go faster.. work harder.. especially since I won’t be working out again till next monday.. after the gym.. I went to my girl Naomi’s house… she made me dinner! I brought a bottle of wine and we had such a great meal ( I think my new fave food is spaghetti squash.. it tastes SO much like spaghetti and it’s not grain!) We had a good time, catching up.. talking about the move into the house.. I’m so excited!!!!! A new phase in my life.. a HOUSE!! with a washing machine and dryer!!! AND.. she’s getting the floors refinished and looking into new windows.. It’s gonna be like I’m moving into a new house.. I am SO excited to have a blank slate to do my “kerilyn” thing!

Neutral: This morning.. when I was getting ready… I was kinda in a “WHY the heck am I at this job that I don’t want to be at.. WHY am I where I am?” *trust me.. I’m usually thinking this most of the time* and I overheard this program on TV.. this woman and her life.. being homeless.. having AIDS.. and it made me think that when I was 11.. I was really sick.. in the hospital for 2 months.. had lung surgery.. blood transfusion.. ICU unit for 2 weeks… i was 11 so i don’t remember a lot but I know I was dying.. but I didn’t… and BECAUSE I didn’t.. lead me to this day.. and I should be SO grateful for having this day.. It kinda put my day in perspective.

Low: Even though I had that realization this morning (see above) I am continually in the “WHY am I at this job” mode.. I try to get out of it.. I try to meditate on what I want to happen then “letting go and Letting God” but I feel like nothings happening.. I know it’s just me complaining.. that things are actually happening and I’m taking them for granted.. I’m trying to recognize the little things.. but damn it.. sometimes it’s not what I want.. and I want what I want (wow.. did I actually say that? yep.. and selfishly i meant it.. come on.. we all want what we want) I just have to deal with the fact that I’m not getting it at this moment.. doesn’t mean I won’t eventually.. Honestly.. a little nervous to be in that big house all by myself.. bumps in the night might freak me out for a while.. I’m a little scared thinking about that.. to tell ya the truth. (PS: I’m a BIG scaredy cat, TRUST me on this!) (right matthew?)

Wow.. few days of short high/lows and now I write a novel.. I guess I’m feeling and thinking a lot the past few days.. and it’s just now come out. More on my mind but I’ll try to save it for tomorrow. Nite.

Ancora Imparo “I am still learning” in Latin

love you all,

Kerilyn

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually who are you NOT to be? YOU are a child of the universe. You were born to manifest the glory of the universe that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone” – Marianne Williamson (Used by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech)

Hiety Ho my lovelies..

How are you? I’m good.. full but good. Just got done eating dinner and I’m full! Whew.. but i digress.. today was warmer.. but georgeous out! I wish I coulda played hookie this afternoon… it was the perfect day for a drive.. with all the windows open.. blaring good music.. But alas.. I was in my cubicle.. tomorrow it’s supposed to be warmer.. I’ll take what I can get… I hope the warmer weather doesn’t mean I need to put the air on.. Today is the last official day of summer.. tomorrow we will wake up and Fall will be here! Woo Hoo!

High: Felt good in my outfit today.. made a really yummy lunch when I came home.. mmmm.. Good workout today.. then made this yummy dinner (corn, mushrooms, meatloaf) now I’m sitting here a bit stuffed.. content.. but stuffed.. getting ready to watch my boy, Zach Braff in his show scrubs!

Low: Boring day at work.. Either by body was running hot today or it was hotter in the gym because I sweat like a runny faucet today.. it was a bit tougher to keep motivated when it felt much more warm.. oh well.. suck it up kerilyn.. Dinner tonite was yummy but I burned my finger on the stove.. A teeny bit bummed because this guy I was supposed to have a date with was busy tonite.. oh well.. another time..

Ok my lovelies.. I will talk to you all tomorrow. Wednesday.. boy I wish it was Thursday. oh well again.

Ancora Imparo.

Love you all,

Kerilyn

“The happiest people are those who think the most interesting thoughts. Those who decide to use leisure as a means of mental development, who love good music, good books, good pictures, good company, good conversation, are the happiest people in the world. And they are not only happy in themselves, they are the cause of happiness in others.” ~ William Lyon Phelps ~